by Leddy Harper
I pressed the green call button and listened as it rang, each time growing louder and louder in my ear. My chest tightened the longer it went on. The excitement I felt when I pulled up her number had been completely swallowed by grief on the fourth ring. And then her voicemail picked up. Despair covered me as her voice came through the line, mocking me, reminding me I could hear her, but I couldn’t speak to her.
I disconnected the call and threw my phone back to the bedside table. The ache of disappointment and anger residing heavily in my chest intensified. If she wouldn’t answer my calls, I’d have to find another way to get through to her. Because I wouldn’t give up.
I’d made a decision a year ago to let her walk away.
And as I closed my eyes, I made another decision.
I’d get her back.
No matter what it took.
Then
Over the last four weeks, I’d fallen asleep next to Layne more times than not, but this morning was the first time I’d woken up next to her. She usually waited until I fell asleep before leaving. If Drea had been with Colin that night, she’d take her home, and if not, Layne had the car and would drive herself. I loved our nights together, because it allowed us to learn so much about the other. It seemed easier to talk under the cloak of darkness. Opening up about personal things didn’t leave us feeling exposed as much as it did if it had been during the daylight.
Layne had talked a lot about her cancer, telling me about the procedures and medical terminology—most of which scared the shit out of me. Imagining her going through all that pain and suffering hurt me more than anything else ever had. Some of the things she described made no sense to me, but I’d ask and she’d answer. After a couple of weeks, she finally delved deeper and explained what it was like to lose her hair. Apparently, it’d been the hardest part of it all. In my head, I imagined a person would simply wake up one morning bald. Which proved my ignorance. She told me how it happened over time, sometimes coming out in strands on her pillow, and other times in clumps during a shower. Not all evenly, either, as I also had pictured. She waited until most of it was gone, unable to accept having no hair. At that point, she sat in front of her bathroom mirror with a pair of scissors and cried as she cut the remaining strands.
Her voice broke while telling me that story, the emotional turmoil it’d caused still evident in her words. I didn’t have anything to say to her about it, so I simply pulled her closer and pressed my lips to the soft spot behind her ear.
Her hair had grown considerably longer since she’d first taken the wig off for me in my room. It was thick and dark—the shade between dirty blond and light brown. A week ago, she went in for a haircut to reshape it, and I’d hoped it meant she’d start going without the wig, but that wasn’t the case. I’d told her so many times how much I loved her hair, how sexy I thought she was when she went without the wig. Yet the only times she’d take it off was before climbing into bed with me at night where I’d run my fingers through her short, soft strands until it lulled me to sleep.
Last night, it’d taken me longer to fall asleep. My eyes were still open long after Layne’s breathing had evened out. She had another follow-up appointment at the doctor’s office in the morning. She’d gone a few days ago to have blood drawn so they could check the levels of cancer antigens, and had to go back for an exam and the results. I’d held her all night, scared to death for what the morning could bring. She had these appointments every month, and had gone through this before, but it was the first time I had to go through it with her. It terrified me more than anything I’d ever been through before, making it difficult to sleep or focus on anything. However, if she was worried, she didn’t show it.
Her strength was immeasurable.
I knew there would be many more appointments after this one, and I couldn’t allow myself to get this worked up over it every time. It would do no good for anyone involved. Although I couldn’t stop the unease from amplifying, consuming my days and nights. I couldn’t imagine the debilitating fear going away anytime soon.
Waking up to Layne was…unbelievable.
She was still asleep when my eyes popped open at seven, much like they did every morning. It never mattered how late I stayed up the night before, my body had become accustomed to waking up early for school, and today had been no different. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to lay there and watch her sleep, savor her warmth next to me for as long as I could. I didn’t want to obsess about doctors or tests. I didn’t want to leave the security of my room, my bed.
I didn’t want to deal with the reality of life.
When she rolled to her side and opened her eyes, I knew it’s what I wanted every morning for the rest of my life. I wanted her next to me when we fell asleep, and I wanted her eyes to be the first thing mine met when I woke up.
Layne came home later in the afternoon with amazing news, and I’d never felt more relieved. I wanted to take her out to celebrate, but she had other plans. She and Drea wanted to play miniature golf—it was apparently something they’d started after the first time her tests had come back clear—and had asked Colin and me to join them. It wasn’t what I wanted to do, although the second Layne batted her long eyelashes and asked in her sweet, southern voice, I couldn’t say no.
So Drea, Layne, and I sat on the couch while we waited for Colin to get back from class. “I should probably go to the bathroom before Colin gets here. Excuse me,” Layne said before leaving me and Drea alone in the living room.
I’d never been uncomfortable around Drea before. We got along well, and I’d become accustomed to having her around. Conversation came easy between us, but for whatever reason, sitting with her alone while Layne was hidden away in the other room seemed odd. Ever since I met Layne, I hadn’t been alone with her sister, and it left me slightly uneasy.
“It seems like things are going well between you two,” Drea said next to me, breaking my stare away from the bedroom door Layne had just walked through. “Staying the whole night is a big step. How serious are you guys?”
I had no idea how to answer her, considering it wasn’t something Layne and I had discussed. It was like she came into my life and never left without once talking about what we were to each other. Then again, we didn’t exactly need to bring it up. It was more or less understood since the first day we’d spent together.
I shrugged and turned my attention to the bare coffee table in front of me.
“Well, I asked her the same thing, and she said she didn’t know, either. You guys have been attached at the hip for a month, yet neither of you know the extent of your relationship. You don’t find that odd?”
I started to shrug again, but then thought better of it. Drea was my friend, and I had no reason to be diffident with her. So instead of brushing her question off, I turned to her and said, “It’s not that I don’t know how I feel about her, but if she doesn’t know, then it clearly means we haven’t talked about it. And if I haven’t talked about it with her, why would I say anything to you?” I wore a grin on my face to let her know I didn’t mean my words harshly, while at the same time, not offering her anything.
“It worries me. I can’t help it.”
“What worries you?”
“She spends so much time over here…with you, in your bed. She’s never been in a relationship before, and Colin has filled me in with how you were—you know, hookups and nothing serious. I don’t want her to get her heart broken. For all I know, she’s deeply invested in this and you’re not.”
“First of all, don’t form your opinions based on outdated information from Colin, of all people. If that’s your argument, then you should ask yourself something. If I’m spending this much time with her, it must mean something. Right? You act like you’ve seen me bring girls home, which isn’t true. How I was over a year ago doesn’t reflect the person I am today.”
Drea held her hand up in front of me, as if conceding my point.
Except, I didn’t let her off so easily
. “Secondly, I’m not going to break her heart.”
“What’s with lawyers and their constant need to argue?”
I ignored her rolling eyes and answered her rhetorical question. “I’m not a lawyer yet. And I’m not arguing. You made accusations; I’m simply dismantling them. If I haven’t told Layne how I feel, what would make you think I’d tell you? Shouldn’t it be a conversation I have with her?”
“Fine.” She waved me off and leaned back into the couch. “Are you aware she’s a virgin?”
Drea’s question caught me completely by surprise. My mouth dropped open and my eyes widened. Throaty half stutters came out, not even full syllables, but it was all I could come up with. To be honest, I wasn’t so much shocked over the news as I was the way it’d been brought up. I knew Layne hadn’t dated anyone before me, and even though I understood you didn’t have to date to have sex, I knew Layne wasn’t like that. She was good. Pure. Innocent.
“Well, that’s good to know.” Drea’s smile widened.
I blinked a few times before finally pulling myself together enough to speak. “What’s good to know?”
“I’ve been worried about her being in your bed so much. And since you didn’t know she’s a virgin, I can only assume it’s because you two haven’t taken that step yet. Which makes me happy.”
“No…we haven’t—not like it would be any of your business if we did. And I don’t understand why you’re so concerned about it. I know you and Colin don’t go in his room to take a nap. These walls are thin.”
She leaned forward and licked her lips, showing a glimmer of embarrassment. “Layne and I may be twins, but we’re very different people. Where I fly by the seat of my pants, my sister doesn’t. It’s what was so hard on her when she first got sick. She was scared she had run out of time to experience things. She put school first, thinking she had plenty of time to live. Why do you think I always gave you such a hard time about studying? There’s more to life than a test or a grade, and I learned that firsthand watching my sister go through the fear of regret.”
I didn’t know what to say. I simply stared at her, letting her words sink in as I tried to wrap my mind around what it must’ve been like for Layne. How facing a death sentence had altered her life to some degree, and I couldn’t help but conclude we might not have ever found each other had she not gone through something so awful.
A year ago, she’d planned for the future instead of living in the present.
Whereas I’d lived in the moment while expecting my future to be secure.
A year had changed us both, and somehow, without meaning to, we’d met in the middle. Balanced each other out. Together, we learned how to enjoy the moment without being too careless like I once was, and at the same time, preparing ourselves for what we hoped would come. Tomorrows aren’t promised, although it doesn’t mean you can’t plan for them while enjoying your todays.
Thankfully, our heavy silence was interrupted by the groan of my bedroom door, and then Layne came out to join us. Except she’d left her wig behind. The quietness she walked into grew thicker as Drea and I did nothing but gape at her, our mouths falling open in awe and wonderment.
I didn’t wait for her to say anything, nor did I allow Drea to make the first move. After long moments of motionless staring, I pulled myself from the couch and made my way to her. My feet stopped abruptly with about a foot of space between us. Electricity filled the air around our still bodies, my skin prickling with the heightened energy. And then her mouth opened, as if she was about to say something, but I didn’t give her the chance. Before she could utter the first sound, I wrapped my hand behind the back of her neck and pulled her to me, meeting her lips with mine.
I poured my every thought into that kiss, letting her know without a doubt how I felt. I had no idea if she planned to leave the wig off for the remainder of the night, or if she only took it off for a few minutes, but it didn’t matter to me. She had removed it and then came back to us in the living room, a space where Colin could walk in at any moment. And that was all I needed. One step. Because one step could lead to two, and then to three.
She had her arms around my waist, holding her body to mine as I hungrily attacked her lips. I didn’t want to let up, because then I’d have to share her with the others. And I did not want to share her. I wanted to steal her away, carry her into my bedroom where we could be alone, but I knew it would be wrong to do.
Drea cleared her throat behind us—several times—and interrupted our amorous moment. We finally broke away, although we didn’t let go of each other. We stood with our faces inches apart, staring into the other’s eyes. My hands drifted from her face to her scalp. I ran my palms over her hair until she finally laughed and backed up.
“I just spent like five minutes making it look good, and now you’re ruining it. I have to go fix it again.” Layne offered a teasing grin and rolled her eyes before heading back into my room.
I glanced over my shoulder at Drea, silently seeking permission. She swept her hands in the air, as if shooing me off, telling me to go after her, and I couldn’t have been happier. I didn’t hesitate before chasing after Layne, meeting her in my bathroom.
She stared at my reflection, but I couldn’t take my focus off the real version of her to find her gaze in the mirror. Time seemed to drag on before she finally turned to meet my eyes, reluctance rolling off her in waves.
“You know you’re mine, right?” I asked in shallow breaths of airy words, sounding every bit as desperate as I felt on the inside. “You’re mine, as in there is no one else I’m seeing or even talking to. You know that?”
“Yes.” She gave a slight nod, but continued to stare at me with a knitted brow and intense, questioning eyes.
“And you know this is real for me, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she repeated. “Where is this coming from?”
I shook my head and allowed the consolation to fill me, to calm my racing heart. “Your sister…she asked what we were together. She said she’d asked you the same thing, but you didn’t know. I just want to make sure you know how I feel. I want you to know this isn’t some casual thing for me.”
Layne gently settled her hand on my chest and cocked her head. “If I believed it was casual, or that you had someone else on the side, I wouldn’t be with you. I wouldn’t spend so much time with you or fall asleep in your bed.”
I nodded, even though her response perpetuated the knot in my chest. “And you…” I cleared my throat, hoping to subdue the fear in my voice. “And you feel the same about me?” I hated how vulnerable I was, how desperate I sounded, but I couldn’t hide it. I couldn’t make it go away. I’d never felt this way before, so I had no idea how to conceal it.
Her hand slid from my chest to my cheek, her bright eyes claiming mine. “I didn’t think you needed to hear it, but apparently you do. Creed, this is real for me. You’re the only person I want to be with. I thought it was obvious.”
“Why would it be obvious?”
“You know I’ve never had a boyfriend before, so I guess I thought my feelings for you were apparent considering I’m here all the time. I’m in your bed almost every night, and I woke up next to you this morning.”
I allowed a smile to take over my lips before pressing them carefully to hers. “Drea also told me something else about you.” I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to bring it up, but I wanted to clear the air between us. If I knew something about her, I wanted her to be aware of it.
“Oh, yeah? What did she tell you?” She turned back to the vanity and grabbed a bottle of my hair gel from the counter as if it were the most normal thing in the world to share bathroom products.
I hesitated, unsure of how to say it. But I already brought it up and couldn’t back out now. “She told me that you’ve…um…you’ve never…” My gaze bounced around the small bathroom, avoiding her eyes, before I finally stoned my nervousness and gave her my attention. I didn’t want her to get the wrong impression. “That you’v
e never been with a guy before.”
Layne completely stilled with the bottle of gel in her hand, her eyes fixated on the counter in front of us. Crimson licked the sides of her neck and brightened her cheeks, giving away her mortification.
“Listen, Layne…it doesn’t matter to me. I only wanted you to be aware of me knowing. It doesn’t change anything—other than the level of embarrassment my morning wood will cause me if you sleep over again. Which I’d like you to do, as long as you’re comfortable with it.” I held her elbow and turned her enough so she could look at me. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
She shrugged and glanced away again. “It never came up.”
“Is your sexual history supposed to come up when you date someone?”
A smile graced her lips. “I don’t know. I guess I never found a good time to tell you. It’s not like I’m ashamed about it or anything. It’s just extremely personal. Not to mention, I didn’t want to freak you out.”
“Why would it freak me out?”
She shrugged again and rolled her eyes dismissively. “Because an eighteen-year-old virgin might make you think I’m saving myself for marriage…or suddenly make this thing between us more serious than you’re ready for. I don’t know. There’s lots of reasons why it would scare you off.”
“It doesn’t matter to me what you’re saving yourself for.” I moved to stand in front of her, leaning against the vanity behind me. “It’s your body. You could hold onto it for the rest of your life if you want to. I don’t have any right to have an opinion on it…except, if we end up getting married it might make it difficult to have babies, but I’m sure with science, there’s a way it can be done.” I smiled at her, hoping she knew there was nothing to be worried about.
“It’s not that.” Her grin widened and she let out a small wave of air, as if relief had finally found her. “I’m not really waiting on anything other than the right time. I’m sure I’ll know it when it happens. I’m not in any rush, and at the same time, I’m not unrealistic. This isn’t going to change anything between us, is it?”