by Leddy Harper
“Why do you think it will?”
“I just mean…being in bed with me. You’ve never pressured me or made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t think anything will change, I’m only making sure it won’t.”
“Trust me, Layne, I don’t want anything to change. I told you on our first date you’re the one calling the shots, and that is as true with this as it was about hiking. As long as I get to have you in my life, I don’t care how slow you want to take things.”
She kissed me once more and then went back to styling her hair. By the time we finished in the bathroom, Colin had gotten home and they were ready to leave. Layne was hesitant at first, considering Colin had never seen her without her wig before, but he didn’t make a big deal about it. In fact, he acted as if he hadn’t even noticed. I could tell his lack of attention offered Layne some much-needed encouragement before heading out into the public without her armor.
I’d never been more proud of her.
And if being around others with her short hair bothered her, she never once showed it. While playing miniature golf, she commanded all my attention, and I couldn’t keep my hands off her. Between my affection and her sister giving her a hard time for holding up the others behind us, I wouldn’t be surprised if Layne had forgotten all about her lack of hair.
But I never did.
It was her first step.
The first of many.
Chapter Five
Now
I jolted straight up, panting heavily with the weight of panic on my chest. However, I had no idea where it had come from. I’d been asleep, dreaming of Layne, and for no reason at all, I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, searching my room for something—although I didn’t know what.
File folders and single sheets of paper were thrown haphazardly around me. After finishing the memorandum for Harvey, I’d set it all aside to lay down, planning to organize everything before falling asleep. But then I’d called Layne…and she didn’t answer. After that, I didn’t have the motivation to do anything, and instead, I’d fallen asleep.
My head dropped and I fisted my hair, tugging at the roots until my scalp ached. The nagging feeling wouldn’t go away. Something had woken me up, something so terrifying it had spiked my adrenaline and left me unable to fall back asleep. The sun hadn’t come up yet, so I quickly glanced at the time, noting it was only four in the morning. My alarm would go off in an hour, and then I’d have to get ready for the office. It was a big day, and I’d finally gotten myself prepared.
However, the idea of going into the office set a dark cloud over my thoughts.
Grey and looming with dread.
I knew what my problem was. I hadn’t been able to get ahold of Layne. The longer it went on without hearing her voice, other than on her voicemail, the more worried I became. I knew if I could only get her on the phone, I’d be okay. I only needed the chance to talk to her. If she didn’t accept my apology, or if she told me anything about her new life, it wouldn’t just sting. It would cut me deeply. However, I’d take the pain, because at least I’d know she was all right.
I picked up my phone from the floor where it’d fallen off the table the night before after I’d thrown it. I thought about calling her again, hoping maybe I had a better chance of her answering if the call came through in the middle of the night. But as I pulled up her number, the picture stopped me from going through with it. I had so many reasons for contacting her, so many reasons for wanting to hear her voice.
I wanted to make sure she was okay.
I wanted to ask for her forgiveness.
I wanted another chance with her.
And while I could’ve gotten those things by calling her—if she’d only answer the damn phone—there was a longer list of the things it wouldn’t provide. It wouldn’t allow me to see the color of her eyes, smell her hair, touch her soft skin. It wouldn’t give me the chance to show her what she meant to me or how much I couldn’t live without her for another day.
Another minute.
Another second.
A phone conversation or text message wouldn’t give me the solace I needed. However, seeing her face to face would. Over the past year, and especially on Christmas, I’d thought about going after her, but I had always ended up deciding against it. I didn’t know where she lived. I didn’t know if she’d moved on. And more importantly, I didn’t know how she would react to me showing up unannounced.
I no longer cared about any of those reasons.
As the fog of uncertainty lifted, clarity filled its place. I needed to go see her. And as soon as the thought came to me, I jumped off my bed and ran to the closet for a bag. I randomly pulled clothes from my drawers, not even caring what I grabbed, and threw them into the duffel bag sitting open on the mattress. I didn’t pay attention to what I packed from the bathroom, sweeping whatever was on the counter on top of the clothes. I’d been in such a hurry to leave, wondering what had taken me so long to make the decision in the first place, I almost walked out in my boxers.
I pulled a clean T-shirt from a hanger in my closet, picked up a pair of jeans off the floor, and got dressed as fast as I could. And then, as if they’d appeared out of nowhere, I noticed the papers and files on my bed. I hesitated for a moment, debating what I should do.
Harvey would need these for the deposition tomorrow. If I left without giving them to him, I could jeopardize my career before it really ever began. If I knew Layne would take me back, and I didn’t have to face the idea of her turning me away, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. I would’ve left and never looked back. But the truth was, I didn’t know what would happen once I got there. And even more, I didn’t know if I’d ever get there. I still had no idea where she lived, and although I was sure I could find out, it wasn’t guaranteed.
I thought about waiting until Harvey got into the office and then leaving after handing everything over, but I had no idea how long that would take. Harvey never arrived at the same time every day, and could very well not even show up until our two o’clock meeting. I didn’t want to wait that long. Every second that passed was another second without Layne.
And I’d already spent too many of those to let another one slip by.
But I was a logical person. I made decisions based off reason, and I went with what made the most sense. Even the toughest decisions were made with rationality. When Layne left and I chose to stay back, it wasn’t some half-assed verdict. I’d spent years studying North Carolina state law, and I was less than two months from taking the state bar exam. Had I moved to California, I’d have to spend more time learning a new set of state laws, and then wait even longer for the bar. It was only offered twice a year, and if I missed July, I’d have to wait until February. Add in moving time and getting settled in a new place, and there was a chance I wouldn’t have even been ready for the February exam. Realistically speaking, moving to a different state made no sense.
Granted, when I took living without Layne into account, my decision had been ruled by emotion instead of reason. And it wasn’t the good kind of emotion, either. Rather than allowing love to sway my decision, I’d let the scorching flames of anger build a barrier between us and blind me against the reality of life without her.
I now faced nearly the same choices. Stay for my job, or chase after Layne.
Then
I ran out of class and hurried back to the apartment. I hadn’t seen Layne in two days due to work and school, and I needed to get my room cleaned up. It wasn’t really messy considering I hadn’t done much other than study, but I didn’t want her coming over and seeing my piles of laundry or unmade bed. We’d been together for two months, and I knew at some point I’d have to allow her to see my mess; although, I wasn’t quite ready for that. Layne was a very neat and organized person, and I knew she’d take it upon herself to tidy up.
I did not want to spend our time together with her cleaning.
The front door hadn’t even been fully opened before Colin rushed past me, h
eading out. His cheeks were a deep red, lips pursed, and nostrils flaring—not to mention his rigid shoulders and clenched fists. I had no idea what I was about to walk into, and Colin didn’t seem in the mood to explain anything.
I watched from the doorway as he ran past the elevator and took the stairs. I knew him well enough to understand what that meant. He was pissed. And by the sounds of sobbing coming from inside the apartment, I could only assume it had to do with Drea.
The moment she saw me, she made a mad dash in the direction of Colin’s bedroom. She’d been on the floor in front of the couch and had to pull herself up, which gave me plenty of time to reach her first. Normally, I wouldn’t have gotten involved—their relationship was none of my business—but this was Drea. Layne’s sister. My friend. My best friend’s girlfriend. And whatever had happened, seemed worse than any fight they’d had before. I couldn’t just let her run and hide when clearly she was in a lot of pain.
With my arms around her shoulders, her back to my chest, I hugged her to me. Her sobs were so deep they caused her to convulse in my arms, shaking my body behind her. I held her tighter, hoping it would calm her some, at least enough for her to speak coherently. I couldn’t understand a single word she said through the hiccups and sniffles.
“What the hell happened?” I released my hold on her and waited for her next move. When she didn’t do anything other than stand there, keeping her back to me, I gently held her upper arm and guided her around until she faced me. The red rims around her deep-blue eyes struck me hard and left my shoulders sagging at the sight. She and Layne may not have been identical twins, and their eye colors may have been different shades of the same blue, but staring at her now reminded me of the girl who’d stolen my whole world.
“I don’t even know…” She wiped her nose on her shirt sleeve and dropped her chin. At least she wasn’t as hysterical as she’d been when I first walked in. “I don’t know if I’m being stupid or if he is.”
My fingers found hers, and I used the grip to lead her to the couch. “What happened?” I didn’t want to admit I’d never seen Colin so worked up before, because I knew it would only upset her more. Even though it’d been the truth. “I know Colin pretty well. Maybe I can help some. But I need to know what happened first.”
She sniffled more before curling into the cushion, pulling her knees to her chest and dipping her chin to prevent me from catching her eyes. “He was seeing this girl before me…some chick from one of his classes.”
I knew who Drea was referring to, but I kept that to myself. I was only here to listen and possibly add enough of my opinion to help them get past whatever issue they seemed to have. Remarking on Colin's ex wouldn't help the situation.
“He told me they weren't serious and they hadn't technically dated. But they used to sleep together.”
“Yes…” I added when she paused, hoping to push her to keep talking. “It happens. We're guys…in college.”
She finally lifted her gaze to meet mine and rolled her eyes. “I know, Creed. I'm not an idiot. I'm not upset he used to fuck other people. Hell, I wasn't a virgin when we met. It's not about that.”
“Then what is it about?”
“He's been going to these study groups about three nights a week. He used to only go to them maybe twice a month and—”
“Fall semester is almost over.” I interrupted her, needing to give her something logical to think about. “We have exams coming up. It's not unusual to increase the amount of times you meet up with your study group.”
Her gaze narrowed, as if she didn’t appreciate my commentary. “It wouldn’t be a big deal, except he told me his study partner is Sam. I guess it’s my fault for assuming it’d be a guy, and not Samantha, the chick he used to fuck.”
My stomach sank and I wanted to run after Colin, for nothing more than to kick his ass for hurting Drea. I was almost fearful of what else she had to say. The thought of Colin doing something behind her back left me uneasy, and quite frankly, really pissed off.
“I only found out because he left his phone on the counter while he went to the bathroom and she texted him about meeting up tonight. I didn’t read the whole thing since only the first few lines of the message popped up on the screen. I wanted to see if he’d say anything, so I didn’t mention it to him when he came back.”
I nodded, showing my support and approval over her actions.
I hated being in situations like this, where I almost felt as though I had to pick a side. I didn’t want to have to choose between Colin and Drea, and I understood this was only one side of the coin. I didn’t have all the facts. Although, Drea’s tears and worried tone were enough to have me leaning in her direction, ready and willing to support her.
She threw her head back against the cushion and blinked rapidly at the ceiling, attempting to control her emotions. “I watched him read the message and type something back. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. I mean, I’m sure there are plenty of girls named Samantha around here, but I couldn’t fight the nagging feeling it was her.”
“So what did he do?”
“He told me we might have to reschedule our dinner plans. He said they were putting together another study group and he didn’t want to miss it. I swear, Creed, I didn’t know if I wanted to attack him or cry…or both.” She cleared her throat and wiped away the falling tears once more. “I questioned him some about it, trying to get the truth out, but he had an answer for everything. So I finally asked to see his phone, and that’s when he got pissed at me. He said I was accusing him of lying—but he was lying!”
I moved closer to her on the couch, hoping it would calm her some. She seemed to have shifted from being upset to being angry, and I knew from personal experience anger was far worse than grief.
“Come to find out, Sam—Samantha—is his study partner. So really, he was kinda telling the truth, yet he omitted important facts. And to me, lying by omission is still lying. This whole time, he’s been meeting up with this girl for hours on end at night, sometimes alone with her, and he neglected to tell me. He purposely let me believe she was a guy. And when I called him out on it, he made it sound like I was the one blowing things out of proportion.”
“What’s the real issue here, Dre? Are you mad at him for keeping it from you, or do you think he’s doing something behind your back?” I needed to know where her head was at before I even attempted to play devil’s advocate.
She shook her head and locked her stare back up on the ceiling. I had a feeling she didn’t even know where her mind was at. It was clear in the way she studied the spinning blades of the fan. After one more swipe of her nose on her sleeve, she turned her attention back to me.
“I’m mad he lied to me. I understand why he felt he had to, because he didn’t want me to get upset, but had he talked to me about it…told me the truth…I would’ve understood. I’m not an unreasonable person. I knew they were study partners before we met, and although I would’ve liked it better had he found a new one, I understand the importance of school and needing to pass classes. If she was the best student in the class, and helped him get good grades, then what right would I have to get in the way? But instead of being upfront with me, instead of being honest about it, he deceived me. It pisses me off he didn’t trust me with the truth.”
“Okay…so it’s about him not telling you—”
“And,” she said, holding up a hand and interrupting me, “his deception makes me wonder why. Why wouldn’t he tell me? I knew about her, about them being together before me, and not once did I show any signs of jealousy. Because. I. Wasn’t. Jealous. I’m not that kind of girl. If she wants my man, good for her. If he wants her, then see ya later, buddy. I don’t have time for that shit.”
“I’m a little confused…”
“Just because I don’t get jealous doesn’t mean I want to be cheated on, or I don’t get upset thinking I’m being cheated on. Everything makes sense on paper—more study times because of exams and the end of the se
mester; Colin not telling me who Sam is because he didn’t want me to worry or get upset. It all sounds so plausible.”
“But…” I egged her on.
“But on the other hand, we had plans for tonight. He’s been busy with school, I’ve been busy with work and school, and we haven’t seen each other very much over the last three weeks. Tonight was our night, and he was so easily ready to give that up for yet another study session.”
“Did you ask him about it? About why he’d cancel on you after making plans?”
Drea shook her head and moved her attention to her twisted fingers in her lap. “We didn’t get that far. He flipped out. I flipped out. We yelled at each other and said nasty things, and then he left.”
“Can I offer some advice?”
Her shoulders lifted and then fell dramatically, her eyes never meeting mine.
“I think Colin has a lot on his plate right now. You guys have been dating since the beginning of the semester, and instead of focusing on school, he’s focused on you. I’m pretty sure these exams hanging over his head have him nervous. He changed majors at the end of last year, and he’s more than likely worried about falling even further behind. He shouldn’t have lied to you, I’ll give you that—he should’ve been upfront and honest with you about Sam and his study group. But I also know he’s crazy about you. And I don’t believe he’s doing anything behind your back.” And if he was, I’d kick his ass. I wasn’t a violent person by any means, but I was more physically fit than Colin and I wouldn’t think twice about marring his perfect face for fucking up the best thing to have ever happened to him.
Drea had her faults, but she was a Cooper. And those girls were the best things to happen to life in general. The only way he could do better than Drea, was with Layne. And that would never happen as long as I had air in my lungs and a beating heart in my chest.