Eminent Love

by Leddy Harper

  Her tears tracked her face, and all I wanted to do was wipe them away. But I couldn’t. Because the only thought running through my mind was she wanted to leave. I stood there with my hands at my sides as she pleaded with me, my heart twisted in pain and clenched in ire.

  “We can have it all,” she begged again through a deep sob.

  “Then let’s wait. Let me work for a year, get some experience under my belt so another firm will take me. We can move then. I’m not saying I plan to stay near Durham forever…but I can’t leave right now.”

  “This job is once in a lifetime. It won’t be available in a year.”

  “You don’t have to have that one. Another one will come along. I promise you.”

  She slapped my chest and let out a choked cry before stepping away. “I don’t get it, Creed. You say you can’t go because you’d have to learn a new set of state laws, but in the next breath, you say you will in a year. What’s the difference? Doing it now versus next year? Why waste the time here when we can just go and do it all at once without me having to risk my career? Why is your job more important than mine?”

  “I never said mine was more important. But you can do yours from home. You don’t have to be in an office or in California to do it. And I need to work here first so at least I’ll have experience to offer another firm. It’s illogical for me to graduate from law school in one state, and then move to another before I even take the bar.”

  “So that’s your answer?” She peered up at me, her eyelashes wet and stuck together as black streaks of makeup lined her face. “If I go…you’ll stay here? You’ll just let me leave?”

  “My question to you is…would you really leave? You’d really turn around and walk out? Turn your back on me—on us? For a job thousands of miles away…after all we’ve been through? You’d really do that?”

  “Stop thinking about it like that. Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. I’ve battled cancer twice now. Twice, Creed. And I’ve won…twice. I don’t want to, but I can’t stop the thought of what will happen if it comes back. It did once already. What if it happens again? And then what? How many chances will I get to do something with my life? To fulfill my dreams? Should I keep passing up every opportunity that comes my way because it doesn’t fit with other people’s agendas?”

  “Oh, so I’m just other people to you now? Our dream is nothing but my own anymore? What about our plans? The future we’ve talked about making? Huh? Does that not matter to you anymore? Is this job in California more important than the life we’ve been working toward?”

  “Just stop!” She waved her arms around as deep sobs wrenched from her.

  “No, Layne. I won’t just stop. You’re talking about walking out on me. I won’t stop.”

  “You don’t get it.” She frantically swiped her face, smearing the black makeup on her cheeks. Her eyes were bloodshot, highlighting the blue I once loved to stare into, but now they did nothing but strike an unimaginable ache into the center of my chest. “You keep talking like I want to leave you. Like I don’t want to spend my life with you. For nearly five years, that’s all I’ve done. I’ve sat with you countless nights helping you review for exams or running though cases with you, bouncing ideas off one another until you find what you’re looking for. I’ve done nothing but support you and your dreams. And I want a life with you more than anything.”

  “Clearly not,” I interjected before she could continue. “Not more than anything if you’re choosing a job over us. Over the life you claim to want.”

  “Why does it have to be one or the other?” Her voice was so soft, so broken it gutted me. It shattered my soul and decimated my heart until I was left burning alive from the inside out. “If we stay here for your dreams, you’re asking me to give up mine.”

  “You’re twisting my words around so you can put all this solely on me.”

  “Stop being a goddamn lawyer right now!” Her hands balled into white, angry fists at her sides. The expressive spot between her brows creased so deeply the blood vanished and turned the skin almost transparent. Her anger surprised me, especially after how soft and painful her tone had been mere seconds before. “This isn’t about blame or who’s at fault. It’s not about guilt or innocence.”

  “Then stop accusing me of shit. Stop saying I’m putting myself first.”

  “You are!” she cried out, absolute agony causing her voice to peak and then fill with a gasping breath.

  “So are you…” I whispered so softly I wasn’t sure if she heard.

  “I’ve been offered the chance of a lifetime. Doing exactly what I’ve always wanted to do. This isn’t some everyday job doled out to fresh-faced graduates. Most of the time, marketing designers who’ve worked in the industry for years don’t even get opportunities like this. The only reason why I did was because my professor had a hand in making this happen. And if I pass it up, I won’t be afforded the same chance again. So yes…you’re saying I should give it up so you can get a year of experience under your belt. My dreams, for your experience.”

  I grew blind to any possible validity in her argument. All I heard, all my mind could wrap around, was the prospect of her leaving me. Enmity coiled inside, squeezing my heart until it no longer pumped blood to my brain, leaving me dizzy and perplexed. I had so many things to say, so many points I wanted to make, but nothing came out. As soon as my gaze lifted and found hers, witnessing the fearful determination in her glistening eyes, all hope vanished.

  “I can’t pass this up.”

  Air refused to enter my lungs.

  “At some point, I have to put my life first.”

  I could no longer feel my legs.

  “I’m going to California, Creed.”

  Everything inside shriveled and perished.

  I glanced around the room, at everything we had. Everything around me had been built around a life with Layne. Our bed. The pictures on the wall. Shoes mixed together by the closet door. For almost five years, it had been the two of us. Together. And now, she was ready to separate mine from hers. Break it all up.

  Leave me.

  “Can you…” I cleared my throat and dropped my chin, pulling my hair in my fists. “Can you please just think about this? Promise me you’ll consider everything? Me. You. Us? About what we have, and what leaving would do. Just…think about it before you make up your mind. I know this job seems like a drop of water in the desert, but it’s not. You’re far too talented not to be offered the same—or better—a year from now. You’ll get everything you’ve ever wanted, I promise you. But please, don’t give up on us.”

  She stood motionless, her eyes the only thing moving as they flickered between mine. I waited and waited for something, anything from her, but got nothing. I couldn’t stand there a moment longer, knowing it would only cause more damage. So I walked away. I moved around her, grabbed my keys from the dresser, and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind me.

  All I needed was a breather, space and time to calm down. I knew she needed the same. We’d never had a fight like this before—or a fight in general. Nothing had ever been so bad we couldn’t work things out calmly. I’d never raised my voice to her or her to me.

  I didn’t know how to handle it.

  How to handle the thought of her leaving.

  As I drove away, I had no idea where I was headed, not until I ended up at the trail. I sat in my car for a few minutes, debating what to do, and then I finally gave in. I walked alone to our rock and let the fresh air soothe me. I breathed it in, hoping it would cleanse the ache in my chest. And as I made my way to the rock we’d dubbed as ours, I desperately tried to organize my thoughts, rationalize my feelings.

  I moved to the edge of the rock and sat down. The sounds of rushing water helped to drown out the noises in my head, yet the anger still resided deep within me. As I stared across the river, admiring the trees on the other side like Layne had done every time we came here, I recalled the last time we had been in this same spot. It was
the beginning of spring, when the sun had begun to warm everything up. Only a few short months ago. She talked about seeing the world, about wasting her life away in the same town. That day, with my arms around her, in this very spot, I’d promised her we would see everything. Together.

  I had no intention of breaking my promise.

  However, I had no idea she’d meant so soon. To me, it was a future thing. Something we’d do later, once we were settled. We may have graduated from college, but we still lived in the same apartment with her sister. I wanted to start work, pass the bar, live with her and her alone, and then move on—together. Stupidly, I thought she’d meant the same.

  The box dug into my thigh through my pocket, so I pulled it out. I stared at the diamond, hypnotized by the colors reflecting the sunlight, and sought out a compromise. There had to be something we could do, some way to meet in the middle. There was no way she could walk out on me. Our love was too real, too honest, too indestructible to throw it away.

  For a job.

  With my mind made up, having multiple options to bring to the table, I jogged back to my car and headed home. I used the time to run through my points in my head, preparing myself for what I’d say to her, all the while playing her songs through the stereo. A few miles from the apartment, I finally allowed myself to smile for the first time when a Hootie and the Blowfish song came on. I had no idea when she’d downloaded it; it was the first time I’d heard it on this playlist. I didn’t know anyone our age who listened to songs over a decade old. Then again…Layne wasn’t just anyone.

  I couldn’t open the door fast enough. Confidence ran through me faster than the river I’d just sat in front of for half an hour. I had no doubt she’d agree to at least one of the ideas I’d come up with. But as soon as I made it inside, Drea’s expression forced my feet to halt, my chest to clench, and my hope to evaporate.

  “You love her, Creed. I know you do. You were right there with her every step of the way as she battled her last bout of cancer. Don’t ask her to give up her dreams.” Drea kept her voice low, probably to prevent Layne from hearing us. But her words weren’t encouraging in the slightest.

  “I do love her, which is why I don’t want her to go.”

  Her head slowly shook side to side, every muscle in her face filled with sorrow. “Loving her means wanting what’s best for her. How can you stand here and say you do, while in the same breath, admitting you don’t want her to go?”

  “So you’re okay with her leaving? Leaving me, her family, and her doctors?”

  “She can’t stay here forever. And my parents would never want to see her hold herself back. I know I don’t. So I don’t understand why you do. Don’t trap her in a cage—she deserves to fly. Her wings have been clipped far too many times in the past.”

  “Why do you want me to let her go so badly?” Betrayal burned hot, and I couldn’t believe out of everyone, it would’ve come from her. She’d always supported her sister’s relationship with me, but now, it seemed like she was ready to sabotage it.

  “I don’t.” She lightly held onto my forearm, and I watched as her eyes grew soft. “I want you to go with her. Trust me, I don’t want to see you two break up over this power struggle. She’s my sister, I’ll always support her decisions, but this isn’t about that. She has my support on this because she needs it. If…” Heavy emotion clogged her throat. Her voice erupted in a raspy croak, but she cleared it away and tried again. “If she gets sick again, do you really want her to feel like there’s no reason to fight? To make her question what the point is? If when she gets better, she’s supposed to just go back to the same things she’s been doing and not have her own life to look forward to?”

  “That’s just it, Drea. You both seem so focused on the cancer coming back, yet she’s willing to move away from her doctors. That doesn’t make sense.”

  “There are doctors all over the country. She doesn’t need to be here to stick with her follow-up plan. And we’re not saying it’ll come back…but do you really want to take the chance of that happening, and then asking her to fight so she can continue to live your dreams?”

  “They’re our dreams, Dre. Ours. We’ve had them for years.”

  Drea bit her lip and closed her eyes. Tears leaked from the corners and raced to her jawline. “She’s been living your dreams, Creed. She went back to school for a secondary degree so she could stay with you. She never cared about a business degree.”

  “So then why is she all of a sudden ready to throw it away?”

  “She’s not. You are. She wants you to go with her. You’re the one making her choose. There’s nothing stopping you from going with her, other than it’ll be more difficult. When has anything problematic ever stopped you before?”

  I pushed past her and made my way to our room. I found Layne standing at the end of the bed with her back to me. My chest grew so tight I thought I could’ve passed out from lack of sufficient oxygen, but I shoved it down and went to her.

  What I hadn’t expected was the bag on the bed, filled with her clothes.

  “What is this?” I asked as I moved to the side, my voice harsher than I’d anticipated.

  She had not one ounce of makeup on her face, all of it washed away by the continuous flow of tears. “I thought you’d want space.”

  “I needed to think. And I did. Now I’m back, ready to fight for you.”

  Her head slowly lifted, her eyes making their way to mine at an even slower pace. “There doesn’t need to be a fight, Creed. Just say you’ll come with me. Say we’ll figure this out, like we’ve figured out everything else in the last five years. You don’t have to fight for me.”

  “We can figure this out. I know we can. As long as you don’t give up. Talk to those people, see if you can do a year from home. See if you can work out of the office they have here, and then, in a year, we can relocate to California.”

  She shook her head, which only left me more confused.

  I’d lost her. I could tell in that one instant. That one moment when her eyes met mine. She was gone. She was no longer mine. I tried desperately to cling to thin air, because there was nothing left for me to hold onto.

  No hope.

  No prayer.

  Nothing.

  “I already called them.”

  “And?” Everything in me stopped working as I pleaded with her, using my eyes to beg her for something. My heart ceased to beat, my veins pinched closed, and my lungs turned stale as I waited for her answer. It was like my brain knew what she’d say, yet everything else refused to accept it.

  “My gut is telling me to take the job.”

  I sucked on my teeth and backed away, nodding as I tried to come to terms with what she said. But I couldn’t. Because I couldn’t think rationally. My temper flared with animosity. My body temperature rose until an inferno raged inside me, searing every part of me.

  “Just like that?” I bit out coldly through clenched teeth. “I asked you to think about it, and instead, you call them and accept a job that’ll move you thousands of miles away from me. It’s obvious you can’t wait to leave. You’re already packing your shit.”

  “I’m just going to stay at my parents’ house. I thought it’d be easier for you.”

  “Easier for me?” I shouted, forcing her to take a step back. “You’re running away, and you think there’s anything you can do to make it easier? For me? Don’t fool yourself. You’re doing this because it’s easier for you. You’re giving up on us, and you can’t look me in the eye. You can’t look at me without feeling guilty for being so damn selfish.”

  She took a step, her hands up in front of her. “That’s not—”

  “Stop.” My shoulders fell as I reached into my pocket. I pulled out the black box and tossed it into her bag. “Might as well take that, too.”

  “What’s that?” Her voice broke as she spoke.

  “My future. I don’t need it anymore.” I turned to walk out, but stopped at the door and spoke over my shoulder
, unable to look at her. “I won’t be back tonight. So you can take your time packing.”

  I walked out, ignoring an emotional Drea in the living room. When I made it to my car in the parking lot, I sat behind the wheel, needing a few minutes to compose myself before driving away. The song that had been playing as I returned home came on through the speakers after I turned the key in the ignition. I had never listened to the words before, but for some reason, sitting alone in my car with no strength or desire to drive away from Layne, I actually heard the lyrics. He sung about letting the love of his life go. Letting her be, if it’d take away her pain.

  I was seconds away from running back up the stairs. If I had to do a long-distance relationship for a year in order to keep her, I would do it. No matter how hard I knew it’d be. I’d do it for her, to give her the chance to follow her dreams. But before I had my hand on the door handle, a text came through my phone. And instead of going upstairs, I backed out of the parking lot and sped away.

  Drea will be coming with me. So you’ll have the apartment to yourself.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Now

  My impatience had woken me up early, which had allowed me a decent head start on the last leg of my trip. I’d spent a little extra time getting ready, making sure my face was cleanly shaven and my hair wasn’t such a mess. I wished I’d gotten it cut, but the thought hadn’t occurred to me. I had one clean T-shirt left, and berated myself for not packing something more appealing. But I couldn’t allow myself to care too much. She’d fallen in love with me when T-shirts were all I’d worn.

  For the first time since the night she’d walked out, I recognized the man reflected back at me. The anger that had once raged behind my eyes was gone; the sadness that had etched its way into the lines on my face had lifted. I looked like I did the night we first met—hair slightly grown out, wrinkled shirt, and faded jeans. I only hoped she’d see me and remember the way things used to be…not how it all ended.