The Survivor

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “You shouldn’t try to do so much.”

  “I’m not complaining. Just trying to talk to you.” She gave him an encouraging smile. “So . . . what have you been doing? What caused your day to be so long?”

  For a moment, she didn’t think he was going to answer. Then, leaning back, he crossed one foot over another knee and swallowed. “I went back to speak with Jenna today.”

  Now it was her turn to feel like she was made of stone. Mattie quickly tried to steel herself for his news.

  “You said when you talked to her last time you felt humbled. Are things better now?” Really, she was proud of herself for acting so nonchalant.

  “Good enough,” he said with a sigh. “Well, I think so.” He shifted again, moving his leg off his other knee, bracing his elbows now on his knees. “I think we got some things ironed out.”

  “Such as?”

  “Well, I told her she’s going to have to tell everyone who the father is. Or at least, that it’s not me.”

  That sounded like the very least Jenna could do! “Do you think she’ll do that?”

  He shrugged. “I hope so. She said she would. I guess the man who she, uh, was with . . . is back in her life.”

  “This is wunderbaar! If she tells everyone the truth, she’ll clear your name and we can go back to how things were.”

  “I doubt they ever will be the same. I tell you what. I think some people are going to think the worst of me no matter what I say.” His eyes darkened. “Or what Jenna says now.”

  Mattie noticed that the lines of tension around his mouth hadn’t eased a bit. Actually, he looked even more perturbed. “Graham, you’re going to have to learn to get control of your anger.”

  “I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do that.”

  “Then I guess you’ll just have to try harder.”

  “It’s not that easy, Mattie.”

  “Believe me, I know that. For months after my cancer diagnosis, I wanted to be mad at everyone, but it wasn’t the right thing to do. I had to learn to ease my anger. Most of all, I had to learn to give my hurts and worries over to the Lord.”

  “I’d gladly give this burden to the Lord, but it isn’t even my problem. Jenna’s baby isn’t mine.”

  “I know that. But don’t you see, Graham? The baby was never the Lord’s trial for you. The gossip and losing your control over your reputation was.”

  “Why would God give me something like this? It makes no sense.”

  “You’re right. It doesn’t. But you don’t need to analyze it, Graham. I promise, I’ve learned the hard way that we all have burdens to shoulder. Some are more evident than others. If I’ve learned anything over the last year, it’s that it would be foolish to imagine that one person’s problems are more important than another’s. I’ve also learned that when times are tough, it’s best to depend on the only thing that is our constant: Faith.”

  Hesitantly, she gazed at him. Please let me in, she silently pleaded. Please don’t push me away. Don’t put up more guards.

  “Well, this is sure new for you,” he said sarcastically. “I didn’t know you’d made such a pact with the Lord.”

  Well, he’d obviously made his choice. A deep sadness flowed through her as she realized that he was far from moving on. Instead, he was mired in his grief and anger.

  Choosing her next words carefully, she said, “Graham, I haven’t made a pact with Him. I merely chose to listen.” Finally, she added silently.

  “I’m not ready to do that. It might surprise you, but the other night I actually did pray and I asked Him for help. But He didn’t answer.”

  “Maybe He did.”

  He waved a hand. “Things aren’t better, Mattie. I don’t think He was of the mind to listen. Or at least not of the mind to do a thing about it.”

  Mattie knew it would do no good to press him any longer. Graham had made up his mind, and was sticking to his decision, no matter what. “Where does this leave us?”

  He blinked. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

  “I think you know.” Bracing herself, she dived in. “Graham, you told me that you cared for me. We kissed. I thought we would start courting . . .”

  Her cheeks burned as he looked at her like he’d never seen her before. As if such a thing had never even occurred to him.

  Just when she thought she couldn’t be more embarrassed, she felt the heat flow from her cheeks, down her neck, and across her chest.

  “We can’t, Mattie,” he said finally.

  “Because of the rumors?”

  “Because of that. And because of where I am right now. Mattie, I’m so angry and confused right now, I don’t think I can be everything you need me to be.”

  “Graham, all I want is for you to be yourself . . .”

  “That wouldn’t be enough.”

  As she thought back to all the times they had together . . . both the good and the bad, she shook her head. He’d been there for her when she could hardly get out of bed . . . and hardly get off the bathroom floor, she was so nauseous.

  He’d teased her when she came home bald, and had given her hope when she thought she would never feel hopeful again. “I promise, Graham. Just for you to be you is always enough.”

  A fierce, sweet yearning flashed in his gaze, giving Mattie hope . . . then, just as quickly, anger and desolation flew back.

  “Not yet, Mattie. I can’t start pretending nothing in my life is wrong. Not when everything is.” And with that, Graham stood up. “I’m going to leave now. I think it would be best.”

  “Yes. Probably so.”

  “I hope you’re not too mad . . .”

  “I’m fine.” Well, she would be. One day. “Don’t worry about me.”

  He paused. For a brief moment, a flicker of something so familiar and sweet entered his gaze, bringing with it a thousand memories of easier times.

  “I am sorry, Mattie. I’m sorry if you expected more.”

  “I’m sorry, too,” she said simply, and looked at her folded hands on her lap when he paused, obviously looking for something to say. Giving up, he turned and walked away.

  When her front door closed, she leaned her head against the back of the couch and breathed deep. Had she expected more?

  Oh, yes.

  Was she disappointed?

  Definitely.

  Was there anything she could do about it?

  Of course.

  Closing her eyes, she opened her heart. “Lord, I know you hear everything. I know You already know what is deep in my heart, and what is deep in Graham’s, too. If it’s your will, I could sure use some help. And, if you don’t mind, the sooner the better would be best. Amen.”

  Half imagining God grumbling about her impatience, Mattie kept her eyes closed and breathed deep and smiled.

  Oh, it felt so good to give up her burdens to the Lord!

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  “Thanks for letting me come over again,” Chris said the moment he entered Mary’s front room. Wearing jeans, brown suede hiking boots, and a gray wool sweater with a bulky navy coat over it all, he looked big and out of place among Mary’s sparsely decorated room.

  He was also soaked. “It’s really pouring out there. Crazy weather, huh? First snow, now rain and storm warnings.” Holding out a sleeve, he shook his head. “Sorry. I should’ve put on a slicker or something.”

  “Don’t worry. You look fine. Wet, but fine,” Jenna said with a half-smile.

  Actually, Jenna thought their differences had never been more obvious. Here she was in her purple dress, black apron, kapp and black tennis shoes. In contrast, his English clothes stood out like a sore thumb against the plain-looking living room.

  Or maybe he looked especially perfect, Jenna decided as she watched him sit down on the oak Shaker-style chair next to the
matching coach she was perched on the edge of. He was so very handsome. And when he looked at her, his hazel eyes warming her skin, she still felt the faint awareness of his regard.

  When he leaned back, he said, “Actually, I was half afraid you wouldn’t even let me in here.”

  “I told you we could talk more . . .”

  “I figured you were going to change your mind.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. After all, you’ve been avoiding me for weeks.”

  He did have a point. “You’re right. I was avoiding you, but it wasn’t because I didn’t think we had anything to say to each other.” It had been about so much more than that. She’d been confused about her feelings. And she’d been ashamed that she’d let one night’s passion undo a lifetime of trying to be perfect.

  Of course, she’d been scared, too. Her parents weren’t the type of people who smiled and hugged when they were disappointed. No. They punished.

  And she’d felt so completely alone.

  “I was upset,” she finally said. Though, of course, “upset” didn’t really cover all she’d been feeling.

  “I deserved to know about the baby, and about how you were feeling,” Chris countered, his voice flat. “No matter what you thought about me, it was my right. It should have been your first priority, Jenna. Even if you were mad at me—or mad at yourself.”

  “I know.” Glancing his way, she saw the surprise in his eyes at her ready acceptance.

  But she couldn’t deny that he had a point. Now that everything was out in the open, all the pros and cons she’d been weighing didn’t seem so insurmountable. Now that everything was out in the open, Jenna felt almost free. Well, at least less angry and confused. “I should have told you about the pregnancy,” she stated again. “It would have been easier for both of us if I had.”

  “You shouldn’t have been afraid of my reaction, Jenna.”

  “How could I not be? My family was very upset.”

  “I’m not your mother or your father. Besides, I knew better, too, Jenna. We weren’t ready. I should’ve waited. Being caught up in the moment is no excuse.”

  “I never expected you to say that.”

  “Why? Because I’m a guy?” Chris shook his head. “I’m also a pastor’s son, Jenna,” he said softly. “Like you, I knew better. I’d been taught to respect myself better.”

  Goodness! Though they’d spent hours in each other’s company, she’d fooled herself into thinking that he was selfish and immature. But now maybe it was she who had some of those qualities? “You can’t take all the blame. What happened isn’t only your fault. It’s mine, too.”

  “Jenna, how about we move on?”

  “What do you mean?”

  To her surprise, he leaned forward and his voice softened. “Jenna, I’m tired of describing what’s happened between us as a mistake. We can’t go back in time and change our actions. Obviously God doesn’t want us to do that either. It’s time for us to move forward.”

  “You really think God even cares?”

  “Of course,” he said softly. “God always cares about us. And maybe most especially now. After all, hasn’t He been by your side when no one else was?”

  Jenna nodded. Funny, how talking things out was changing her original opinions. When she was alone, she’d turned bitter. Sure that no one else could ever understand her. But she should have recalled that no one is ever truly alone. Not if they embraced the Lord’s companionship.

  Holding out his hand, he said, “Jenna, since we can’t change the past, we might as well concentrate on the future. We might as well start thinking about this baby as a blessing.”

  His words made so much sense. But the last thing in the world she wanted to do was trap him into some kind of responsibility he’d never asked for and wasn’t ready to take on. Ignoring his hand, she murmured, “Chris, that’s not necessary.”

  “Sure it is.” He looked at her for a moment, then, as if he had finally made a difficult decision, he stood up and moved to the cushion beside her.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Getting closer. Coming to sit right next to you.” A faint sheen of amusement entered his expression as she stared at him. “See, this is the deal. I’m not going to walk away. Fact is, I’m not going anywhere.”

  But if he wasn’t going to walk away, where did that leave her? “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

  “You’re going to have to start seeing me more often. At least every day. Now tell me about how you came to be here.”

  “There isn’t much to tell. Like I said, my parents were mighty upset about the news.”

  “I understand that. But why—”

  “Chris, they asked me to leave.”

  His hazel eyes, the color of the grass at twilight, flickered. It was obvious that her parents’ actions were unfathomable to him. “They didn’t even want to talk to me?”

  “I lied about who the father was,” she sputtered, feeling so terribly ashamed. “I lied and told them it was an Amish friend of mine.”

  “How could you do that?”

  “I was scared. I didn’t think we’d have a future. Of course, the boy denied it. Then I got kicked out.”

  Chris seemed to take a moment to process everything she’d told him. “Do you still think we have no future?”

  “No. I mean, I hope we do.”

  “Jenna, I really liked you. I still do. You are special to me. Did you think that wasn’t the case?”

  “I’m afraid I started listening to stories and gossip about Englischer boys. About how they use girls.” Now that she heard her words out loud, she began to get even more embarrassed. She’d taken so much for granted, and based it all on hearsay and rumors. “I should have talked to you, I suppose.”

  “I wish you would have.” Looking troubled, he said, “Jenna, did you really think I was such a loser?”

  “Loser?” She didn’t know what that meant.

  “A loser is a guy who would tell you things but not mean them. A guy who would sleep with his girlfriend and not care about her.”

  Shocked, Jenna realized that she had thought the worst of him.

  But maybe that was because she’d been feeling so bad about herself?

  Not waiting for an answer, he reached for her hand and rubbed his thumb across her knuckles. “Never mind. Everything that happened before is all in the past now.”

  “It can’t be that easy.”

  “It is, if we’re together. Okay? I mean, if you want to be together.”

  Did she? Scanning his face, Jenna realized that she had missed him terribly. She’d missed him but had been too afraid to hope for a future with him, so she’d pushed everything off to the side, her feelings, too.

  “I do.”

  “Good. Now, how are you feeling?”

  Looking at her stomach, how it was now protruding, she winced. “Big.”

  He laughed. “You don’t look big. If you hadn’t told me you were pregnant, I would have never guessed.” Brushing his fingers along her cheek, he added, “As a matter of fact, you look as pretty as ever.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  “I mean it, Jen. I think you look beautiful.”

  His words sounded heartfelt; his gaze felt like a caress, coaxing her with warmth. Making her feel valued and special.

  That was why she’d missed him, Jenna realized. Chris said what was on his mind, regardless if it was too personal or maybe even too forward. So different than the Amish way.

  “Have you gone to the doctor?”

  She nodded. “Once. Mary took me.”

  “And what did the doctor say?”

  “That everything is fine.”

  “I’m glad of that. Next time you go, let me know and I’ll go with you. Then you can tell me everything about the baby.”


  “Chris, what you are saying, it’s taken my breath away.”

  “Get used to it, Jenna. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Outside the doorway, they both heard Mary shuffle back and forth. It was obvious she was hovering nearby in case Jenna needed her.

  “It’s cold and rainy out, but I thought maybe we could go for a drive. Or go out for ice cream or hot chocolate. What do you think?”

  Going for a drive with Chris meant going around in his heated truck. Since the temperature was hovering around thirty degrees, Jenna thought it sounded like heaven. “I’d like that,” she said with a hesitant smile.

  “I was hoping you would. I want to be alone with you.” As his words hovered between them, he blushed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that how it sounded. I just meant I want to talk to you without anyone else around. And then, if you don’t mind, I want to take you to my house.”

  “Why?”

  “I want us to talk to my parents together.”

  “So soon?”

  “I think we’ve waited long enough. Don’t you?”

  “Perhaps.”

  “Don’t worry, Jenna. You aren’t alone anymore,” he murmured. “I promise you that. I just want to make everything right. That is, if you want to be with me. If you want to be with a man who isn’t Amish.”

  He hadn’t needed to explain himself, because Jenna felt the same way. She was tired of constantly being on edge. Of feeling as if the biggest load imaginable had just been lifted from her shoulders, she smiled at Chris.

  She knew what he was asking. She was either going to have to join his world or he was going to have to join hers. But she was so tired of the secrets and lies and worries that she was more than happy to drop them all and just enjoy being by his side.

  “Let me get my cloak and tell Mary what we’re doing. Then we can go.”

  “Take your time.” He stood up when she did. “I’ll wait right here,” he said.

  And she knew why he said the words, too. Chris meant that he wasn’t going anywhere. Not ever.

  Or at least, not anytime soon.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  “That weather radio is going nuts,” Frank said after signaling John over for a refill. “You should close up shop soon.”