Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1)

by Michelle Sutton

  “No. Not this time.” I pulled into our driveway.

  Jimmy started to open the door before I had fully parked. I threw the SUV into park and groused, “How many times have I told you to wait until I park before you open the door?”

  “Too many times.” Jimmy laughed and raced toward the back door. He set the pizzas down on the porch table and opened the door with the key in his pocket. My little guy was growing up so fast. Pretty soon he wouldn’t need me anymore. The thought sobered me. Maybe he wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me if he found out what I was really doing on my free time. Forcing that thought from my mind, I locked the SUV and held my arms against my chest to ward off the slight chill in the air.

  The scent of smoke from fireplaces drifted past. The fall season had begun. I remembered the times when James and I would lie down by the fire in the hearth and read our Bibles to each other and kiss. My heart pounded at the memory until the hurt within my soul swelled to overwhelming proportions.

  I wanted to yell at God, my husband, the world. Anyone who got in my way. Most of all, I wanted to run away from the pressure, the pain. It was getting out of control. My life. Everything.

  My cell phone rang again. The tone was my husband’s. He must be working late. “Hey, Hope. How’s it going?”

  “Fine, I guess.” I hiked my purse up on my shoulder as I stepped onto the porch.

  “You have dinner ready, Babe?” His voice was soft, kind.

  “I brought pizza home.” I cringed, knowing he hated that. Thought it was a waste of money. But I didn’t feel like arguing about money tonight.

  “That’s fine. I’ll see you in a few minutes.” He hung up. Not reminding me how broke we always are, no nagging. I didn’t know what to think.

  I opened the back door. With a shrug I removed my jacket and hung it on the coat tree. “You leave me any pizza?”

  “Sure.” Jimmy approached me with a broad smile. Somehow he’d packed away four slices already. My goodness. Must be another growth spurt.

  I grabbed a slice and plopped it on a paper plate, then headed over to the couch to finish sorting the whites that I’d pulled from the dryer. After taking a bite, I set my pizza down and began folding socks. When I finished, I brought my husband’s underclothes to the dresser and opened his drawer. As I stuffed the bundle inside, I noticed an envelope. Curious, I pulled it out and looked at the return address.

  Charlotte Grey, London, Canada. The letter came from his ex-wife!

  The date stamp was March, the same month I’d flown to L.A. Maybe that was why my husband wouldn’t answer his phone when I called from the airport and the plane. He always left it on. Always.

  The timing seemed too weird. Too coincidental. In fact, I realized the letter had arrived the same month that things had slowed down to a near-screeching halt for us in the bedroom. Mystified, I held the note with shaking hands.

  Wondering why he hadn’t told me about the letter, I dared to look inside. I noticed a folded sheet of paper and the back side of a picture.

  Though I normally respected the privacy of others, I just had to know…What did his ex have to say to him, and why did she write now? After fifteen long years, when their marriage had dissolved. And why had my husband hidden it in his drawer? To pull it out later? What did he do with the picture?

  My chest tightened. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

  He’d never had kids with either of his ex-wives, so for her to contact him out of the blue made no sense.

  I pulled out the picture first. My mouth hung open.

  She’d sent him a picture of herself in the buff. And she looked like a swimsuit model even though she was five years my senior. On a small sheet of pink paper she’d written a short note and signed her name.

  Sorry about how everything ended between us.

  I was wrong.

  Love Charlotte, who will always be your wife in heart,

  if not in reality.

  The back door slammed and I quickly stuffed the letter back into his drawer. Maybe I’d wait and see if James acted suspicious, or quiz him indirectly just to see what he’d say first. Whenever we finally dealt with this new issue, I didn’t want Jimmy to be around to hear the ugliness that would result from such a confrontation.

  Now I wasn’t so sure that James hadn’t cheated on me. Maybe the rift in our spiritual walks hadn’t started with me after all. Isn’t the man supposed to be the covering over his wife? Maybe my husband had left me wide open for attack. The thought made me shiver.

  But I’d hold it together until our son was asleep. It was the least I could do to protect him. James walked into the room and kissed my cheek. “Hey, Babe.”

  I tried my best to look normal and not flinch as his mouth touched my face. He paused when he noticed I hadn’t said anything back. “You okay?”

  Jimmy ran into the room. “Let’s play a game?” He held the Scrabble box in his hands and wore such an endearing grin that I couldn’t help but smile.

  Wiping the tears from the corners of my eyes with both hands, I sucked in a cleansing breath and with a chuckle I followed our son. James didn’t follow, but remained in the bedroom. I turned to wave him toward us. With a relieved look on his face, James joined us. What we needed to discuss would have to wait.

  While Jimmy set up the board and handed out the tiles, James watched me with a pensive look. I had no idea what he was thinking but I sensed he was worried. I just ignored his staring and tried to act pleasant.

  Our son went first. He placed his tiles proudly on the board. L O V E. What a sweet kid. He grinned at my husband and said, “You’re next, Dad.”

  James smiled back, then watched me closely as he placed his tiles down. He’d added an R to L O V E, which spelled L O V E R, and with the same R tile he also added the word R I G H T. I couldn’t help wondering if my husband was speaking in code. The glint in his eyes didn’t imply accusation, but amusement. Hmmm…

  Glancing down at my letters, I didn’t have many options, so with warm cheeks I placed a B next to line that held the letter T. I then added more tiles to them, creating a new word, B R E A S T S. Holding my bottom lip with my teeth, I tried hard not to laugh.

  Jimmy’s eyes grew wide. “M-o-m!”

  At first I thought he was embarrassed by the word I’d created, until he laughed.

  “Hey, you just got extra points!”

  James scanned the front of my shirt and lingered for a few moments, obviously more interested in the meaning of the word than my bonus points. I warmed up under his perusal. My body became so ridiculously revved from that simple act that I was seriously thinking about having my hormones checked. How could I possibly be interested again? I was worse than a girl dog in heat!

  And I should be mad at James, not suddenly wanting him. At that moment I decided I must be the most crazy, confused, sex-craving chick on the planet. Of course, Jimmy and his innocent eleven-year-old self had no idea about the war waging between his father and me. As long as I could protect him, I would. Even if it meant never seeing Tony again.

  My cell phone rang in the other room. “Excuse me.”

  Sprinting toward the phone, I was thrilled Tony called, even though moments ago I was willing to pitch the entire relationship. But it was one thing to tell myself I’d stop seeing him and a totally different thing to follow through.

  I peeked at the ID on my cell as I flipped it open. Angela? My mind played tricks on me. The rings sounded similar enough to Tony’s that I thought he’d called.

  With a sigh, I decided to answer it anyway. “Hey, Ang. I’m in the middle of playing Scrabble with the boys. What’s up?”

  “I just wanted to see how you were doing. I didn’t get a chance to talk to you after church. You left in a hurry. I was worried. I would’ve called sooner but with the kids…well, you know how it is. Preachin’ to the choir, eh?”

  “I could be better.” I sighed.

  “James still not meeting your needs?” Her voice sounded tender.
She knew where I was coming from and said she’d had troubles in that area, but the Lord had healed her marriage. He’d also healed Jenna’s. So why wouldn’t he heal mine?

  “I don’t think he even likes me anymore.”

  “Can you call me later or send me an e-mail? Meanwhile I’ll pray for you.”

  “Sure. I’ll do that later tonight or first thing tomorrow. Okay? Bye.” My throat tightened as I hung up the phone. I sure did love Angela. She was my angel friend from church. If it weren’t for her friendship and Jenna’s, I would’ve fallen apart for sure…and long before now.

  “Who was that?” James hollered from the other room as I approached him.

  “Angela. She wanted to know how I was doing. I said I’d call her later.”

  “Ah, thought it might be that boyfriend of yours again.” James smirked.

  Jimmy looked at me, horrified. “You have a boyfriend?”

  Fury at my husband made me lash out. “See what you’ve done!”

  “Relax, Babe, I was just teasing.” James touched my arm as I sat back down.

  I couldn’t help but wonder if he spoke the truth and hid it under sarcasm.

  “I don’t want to be teased like that. It’s not funny.” Before I could stop them, the tears started rolling down my face and I sobbed into my hands. I wanted to come clean so badly, but not in front of my little boy. I could just kill James for putting me on the spot like that. Was he testing me?

  Jimmy came up behind me and gave me a hug. “Don’t be sad, Mommy. Daddy just don’t have any sense sometimes, huh, Daddy?”

  James slid over until he put his arms around us both and squeezed tight. “Forgive me, Hope. Sometimes I say stupid things. I don’t mean to hurt you. Sometimes I can be such a jerk.”

  A laugh burst from deep inside me. Now I know I was losing my mind. From deep, gut-wrenching sobs to crazy-sounding laughter. I was torn between joy and pain.

  “It wasn’t that funny, Sweetheart.” James chuckled low and dipped his head so he could reach my neck. When he started nibbling on my ear, I shrieked.

  Jimmy jumped up, clutching his ears. “I gotta run to the bathroom,” he shouted as he zipped out of the room.

  My husband grabbed my face and stared deep into my eyes. “I’m so sorry for how I’ve been acting. I want to get help, Hope. I want to talk to our pastor about us. Will you go with me?”

  Hope welled deep within me and I hugged him tight. When I released him he eased me onto the carpet, his deep brown eyes lurking, taking in my face, my lips, my eyes. He scanned me with appreciation. “Your eyes are so green tonight. Even with the splotches on your face, you’re still the most beautiful woman I know.”

  He captured my mouth with his and started kissing me with abandon. Right on the living room floor. Had he no sense? Jimmy would see us.

  I heard a strange-sounding giggle.

  “Game’s over.” Jimmy snorted and left the room. He muttered with laughter tingeing his voice, “Parents…sheesh!” I heard Jimmy slam and lock his bedroom door.

  My husband’s intensity grew and I struggled beneath him. “James!”

  That seemed to egg him on even more. He chuckled and tore into my face, my lips, pressing against me. Part of me wanted to give up the fight, to give in to his passion…until I realized that even with him pouring out all he had in him, I still didn’t feel his excitement against me.

  Wiggling underneath him, I gyrated my hips, encouraging him on. I pulled his shirt from his pants and rubbed his bare back. My husband groaned.

  As I reached for his zipper, I heard his stomach growl. We burst out laughing together. What were we thinking fooling around on the floor when our son was home? While he had left us alone, he could reenter the room, and then what would we do?

  James rolled off me and sat up. “Guess I should eat something, huh?” He squeezed me tight and grabbed my hand until he pulled me to my feet. He swatted my fanny playfully and strolled over to the table and grabbed a slice of pizza from the box. Popping the tip of the slice into his mouth, he chewed thoughtfully.

  I watched him, not sure if I should join him or not. On again, off again. That’s just the way our marriage had been. Like a live wire gone dead.

  I closed my eyes and sighed.

  James stepped over to me, and after swallowing another bite, he pecked me on the lips. Then he set his pizza on the counter beside him and wrapped his arms around me for another go-round. I kissed him back, though his garlic breath by no means drew me to him. But I ignored the aroma and focused on his lips instead. He explored my mouth. I pulled closer and pressed against him. Nothing. No response below at all.

  Now my body was tense and there would be no release in sight.

  The ex-wife’s picture that I’d found earlier once again zinged through my mind. His ex-wife must have something to do with our problems. When James released my mouth I blurted, “Have you heard from Charlotte?”

  James stepped back, brushing the hair from his forehead. “What in the heck are you bringing her up for?”

  My husband’s passion fizzled visibly before me until only irritation remained on his gorgeous, but unhappy face.

  “Oh, I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Just thought I’d ask.”

  “Okay, then, no, I haven’t.” He stared at me with a questioning look.

  “You sure?” I frowned at him and dared him to lie to me.

  “Yeah, I’m sure. I don’t have anything to do with her. You know that.” He turned away from me and avoided eye contact. With an exasperated sigh, he turned back. “That’s not exactly true, Hope. I have heard from her. It’s been about five or six months now, but she wrote me a note. I haven’t written back.”

  My mouth hung open. He’d told me the truth.

  And I hadn’t a clue what to say in response.

  Chapter 7

  After swallowing hard and thinking about what I should say, I decided to be straightforward about my suspicions. “Can I see it?”

  “See what?” James tensed.

  “The note. Can I see the note she sent you?” I held out my hand.

  He watched me closely, his hands now stuffed in his pockets. He always did that when he was nervous. Probably to keep his hands from shaking.

  “Why? Do you think I still have it?”

  “Do you?” Leaning toward him, with my eyes I dared him to lie. If he didn’t tell me the truth, I’d keep my own secrets. This was serious business. It could make us or break us. Right here, right now.

  With a defeated sigh, James entered our bedroom. I heard him open his drawer. He emerged with an envelope and handed it to me. My mouth fell open as I stared at the note. Peering inside I noticed the picture was missing.

  And I saw red!

  “This isn’t all of it.” I shoved the note back at him.

  “You knew I had more?” He snatched the note from me and tore it up, dropping scraps of the note to the floor, like paper snowflakes. “There’s your note.” He scowled. “You are a liar, Hope. You could’ve told me you already knew I had it.”

  James looked over my shoulder. I turned to see what had caught his eye and saw our son staring at us. Tears streamed down his cheeks. “Don’t you guys love each other any more?”

  His question felt like a drop-kick in the gut. I doubled over and grabbed my stomach. Then I threw my arms open. “Don’t cry, Jimmy. We’ll work it out.”

  Jimmy ran into my arms.

  James swore, then grabbed his coat and his keys and stormed out of the house. He slammed the door so hard a picture frame crashed to the floor.

  Our son sobbed harder and clung to me. I felt my shoulder moisten with his tears and gritted my teeth. I didn’t want my son to go through this. But I couldn’t stop the tidal wave of misery crashing over my family. I couldn’t make it better.

  I entered the front room to inspect the damage. Reaching down, I lifted a family photo of the three of us from the floor. My hands shook. “Jimmy, can you get me a broom. And be careful. There’s
glass on the floor.”

  “Okay, Mommy.”

  Within minutes we’d cleaned the entire floor. If only I could do the same with our little family. If I could just figure out a way to put the pieces back together. But unless something drastically changed, I didn’t see a way out.

  All I knew was I needed to survive.

  I had to. For Jimmy.

  *****

  I’m not sure when James returned home that night. Poor Jimmy was so upset he asked if he could sleep in my bed. I figured it was large enough for the three of us, not that James would climb in with Jimmy there. He’d rather sleep in the other room.

  After showering, I woke Jimmy and made his lunch while he got ready for school. As I waited for him to finish his cereal, I peeked in the back bedroom to see if James was there. I peered through the crack in the door. He sat up on the bed reading his Bible.

  “Morning,” I said.

  He glanced up, nodded, then returned to his reading. I don’t know if he slept last night or not, but regardless, he needed to get out the door soon or he’d be late for work.

  “Want me to make you something to eat real quick?” I asked.

  James nodded.

  “Two eggs good? With some bacon and juice?”

  He shrugged and looked up at me wearing a miserable expression.

  I went into the kitchen and prepared him breakfast. James emerged from the back room fully dressed for work. Jimmy smiled and tackled his dad right before I ushered him toward the door to get his bus.

  Tears filled James’s eyes when our son hollered, “I love you, Dad. Love you, Mom.” Then he ran out the door, lunch in hand, and sped to the end of the road to catch his school bus.

  After serving James his breakfast of bacon, eggs, and grits, I pulled up a chair and poked at my eggs. The aroma of my favorite breakfast made my stomach rumble in an uncomfortable way. The stress in our home was really killing my appetite.

  James wolfed down his food, so apparently it hadn’t effected his at all. “Delicious, Hope. Thank you.”

  “Want to talk about it?” I asked, watching my husband closely to see how far I could push the conversation before it got out of hand.