I decided I’d wait until she arrived to tell her what had happened to James. It would be too hard to share the details with her over the phone. And I still couldn’t believe the cops had tazered my husband and almost killed him!
So with Jimmy’s hand in mine I approached the front desk. “I’m here to sign James Williams into the hospital and fill out insurance forms.”
“And you are?” The blonde admissions lady glanced over her reading glasses at me.
“I’m his…wife.” I felt weird claiming him even though we’d been married 13 years. Would he still want me to be his wife when he recovered? I doubted it. So rather than risk causing him more stress, I would fill out the forms, then peek in on him, but not stay and visit. I didn’t want to make him more upset than he already was.
Jimmy leaned on my shoulder and closed his eyes as I completed the paperwork. I yawned several times and had to keep rereading some of the lines. They made no sense to me. I was too tired to comprehend much of anything.
When I finished, I jostled my son just enough to wake him. Handing the paperwork to the admissions clerk, I hesitated. I really wanted to know how James was doing, but worried she might ask too many questions. Still, I had to know.
“How is James doing?”
The woman glanced at her watch. “He’s been getting tested for about an hour now. I don’t expect he’ll be ready for visitors for at least eight more. He’ll need plenty of rest. Didn’t look so good when he arrived. Pretty pale, actually, but these doctors here are amazing. I’ve seen miracles happen in cases much worse.” She cleared her throat as if she realized she may have shared too much.
“Thanks. Is there a hotel nearby we can go to? I’m very tired.”
“There’s a motel down the road about a mile on your left. It’s reasonable.”
“Thank you. I’ll be back later.” I reached for Jimmy’s hand and we walked to the car. I was so exhausted my ears were now ringing and I worried that even if I tried to sleep, I’d fail. With determination I drove to the motel and checked in.
My son and I needed to rest. Just a few hours and I’d feel good as new.
Crud, who was I kidding? Nothing would make me feel good right now. Nothing but a miracle straight from God Himself.
I opened the door with a magnetic room key. Jimmy and I stumbled inside. My son flopped on the bed nearest to the bathroom. I locked the door and threw my coat on a chair, then stepped over to where Jimmy lay and helped him out of his jacket.
His eyes were already shut. So I kissed his warm cheek and tucked him in.
After washing my face, I laid on the bed near the window. My feet ached, my head pounded relentlessly, and my clothes were still damp with sweat, so they clung uncomfortably to my skin.
Worst of all, my heart felt as if an army of angry fire ants had chewed it up, it stung that much. How I longed to make the pain go away. If not for Jimmy, I’d end things permanently. But I had to stop thinking like that. My son needed me and I’d promised I wouldn’t abandon him. So like it or not, I had to hang in there.
Burying my face in my pillow, I cried out to the Lord. The only way I’d get through this was if I knew He was with me. That meant coming clean. Asking for forgiveness. Doing whatever I must to get right again with my Lord.
I groaned. “Forgive me, God. Please, forgive me. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I still lusted, and now I see how damaging that was to my family, my son. Forgive my selfishness. Heal my son’s heart and give him strength to get through this. And heal James. Heal his body and his heart. And if it wouldn’t be too much to ask, please help him to forgive me, too.”
I agonized over the last part as I knew He was listening and I felt like I had no right to address Him like a friend, a father, anything personal. While He’d never abandoned me, I’d abandoned Him. I forced the words out. “In Jesus’s name. Amen.”
After shedding more tears on my pillow, I climbed under the covers and inhaled the scent of clean sheets. I longed to be made whiter than snow. Only God could do that for me. Only Jesus, because of His shed blood, offered mercy. Mercy that I didn’t deserve.
Pulling the blanket and comforter to my chin, I closed my eyes and prayed for good rest, right before I blacked out.
*****
My dreams were filled with visions of Tony. Of kissing Tony, making love to Tony. The same scenes played over and over in my mind. Me in his truck, me in his house, the first kiss, the last time we met, and on and on. No guilt, just intense longing.
A few times my mind wandered toward James making love to me, but then he’d be quickly replaced with Tony. I couldn’t help wondering what that all meant. I obviously couldn’t have Tony, and I wasn’t sure I really wanted Tony, but the dreams were pretty powerful, intoxicating.
When I woke, an intense sadness kept me nailed to the mattress. My limbs felt like leaden beams. I didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything. I wanted to sleep my problems away.
Jimmy sat on the bed next to mine and watched cartoons. Apparently he’d found something to do that he enjoyed. I sighed, knowing he was content, and rolled over.
“Hey, Mom, you awake?” Jimmy climbed on to my bed and pulled the sheets away from my face and he giggled. “I saw you move.”
I pretended to ignore him, but cracked a smile. I couldn’t fake it, so I opened my eyes just as he planted a kiss on my cheek. “Rise and shine, Mom.”
“What time is it?” I peered groggily at the clock by the bed.
“It’s almost lunch time, and I’m starving. Can we get something to eat?” He bounced on the bed, making my whole body jerk like when we drove over potholes on the road.
“Jimmy!” He knew I hated that. Little stinker. But I sure loved him.
“Sorry.” He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me for a hug.
Considering all that we’d gone through last night, he was acting pretty chipper. Maybe he’d shut his emotions off, pretending that nothing had happened.
Only one way to find out.
“How’re you feeling this morning?” I poked him with tender affection.
“Could be better…’cause…well you know. But otherwise I’m doing okay.” He laid his head on my chest. “What about you, Mom?”
I could tell by his tone of voice that he really wanted to know. “I’m not sure how I feel. I’m a bit scared, I guess, because I don’t know what’s going to happen next.”
That seemed to give Jimmy permission to break down, because he asked in a choked voice, “Do you think Daddy is gonna die?”
Heavy question. “I don’t know, Bud. They said they were doing tests because they believe he had a heart attack, but it sounds like he’s okay right now. We can pray that he doesn’t get worse, okay?”
“Okay.” He grabbed my hands and bowed his head.
I cleared my throat. “Dear God, um, Jimmy and I are…praying that you will help James to heal and get better. We thank you that he seems to be okay. Please help our family get through this difficult time. Amen.”
“Amen.” Jimmy smiled wide and sighed before hugging me again. “Thanks, Mom.”
“No problem. Can I ask you something?” I touched his cheek. “It’s a serious question, okay?”
“Uh-huh.” Jimmy looked worried.
“When your dad gets better, do you want him…do you want your dad to live with us again?” I struggled to finish my sentence, but I needed to know.
“I don’t know. He was so mean and angry. I’m kind of scared.”
I swallowed hard. “Me, too. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet, but I’m thinking about asking your dad to stay at someone else’s house until we can work things out. Would that be okay with you?”
His shoulders relaxed. “I think that’s pretty smart, Mom.”
“What about visiting him today? Want to do that?” I held my breath.
Jimmy worried his lip and appeared deep in thought.
I waited for a response, wanting to be open to what Jimmy needed, but terrified of seeing
James after what had happened. I just didn’t see how a visit would benefit my husband, either. He’d probably get so angry his heart rate would sail off the charts. I remembered his red face and bulging veins as he leaned into me and swore in my face.
A shudder snaked up my spine when I considered how much he hated me right now. No, visiting him would be a bad idea, at least until he got stronger. I’d make sure to check in with the nurse to see how he was doing, but unless Jimmy wanted to see his father, I wasn’t stepping foot into that hospital again.
Maybe I could have our pastor visit him and scope out whether or not a visit in a few days would be beneficial. That sounded reasonable, but I was still open to meeting Jimmy’s needs.
“Naw, I think I’ll just let Dad sleep for now. I can see him later when he isn’t hurting so much and is feeling better. Is that okay?”
Wrapping my arms around Jimmy, I squeezed in an effort to reassure him. “That’s fine. There’s no need to rush things. He’s probably not feeling up to visitors anyway.”
“Maybe we could get him something from a flower shop. Would that be okay?”
“Sounds good to me. I’ll call them now.” So I called the hospital to get his room number and then called a local florist.
“What would you like the card to say, Ma’am?”
I hadn’t thought of that. “Um, say, from your loving family.”
Jimmy smiled and I knew I’d chosen the right words.
After I secured the order with my credit card, I contacted our pastor.
“Trinity Fellowship. Pastor Rick speaking.”
“Hey.” That was all I could get out before bursting into tears. Jimmy leaned in for a reassuring hug. What a sweet boy.
“Hope? Is something wrong?”
“Yeah, it’s me.” I said through tears, “James is in the hospital. He had chest pains which led to a heart attack last night. They think he’s going to be okay, but I wondered if maybe you could visit him and see how he’s doing, maybe pray with him, you know?”
“I can’t believe he had an attack at his young age. Do they know what caused it?”
“He was tazered.” I exhaled and ran my fingers through my bangs. Jimmy moved from my bed to his, then turned up the TV and started flipping through the channels.
“Tazered? How did that happen?” The shock in his voice made me cringe.
Might as well just spill all the details now. It wasn’t like Jimmy didn’t know the facts already, though he seemed pretty absorbed in the cartoon that had just started. Maybe he’d tune me out. But I still had to be careful of what I said in front of him.
“It’s a long story, so I’ll give you the condensed version.”
“Go ahead.”
“I was having an affair, and I told James. He went nuts and threatened us—me and Jimmy—and called me horrible names. The cops showed up and told us to leave, so Jimmy and I went down the street. They said James came out of his room really fast and was angry. They didn’t have time to check him for weapons. They just tazered him for their own safety, but the electricity shocked him, causing chest pains. They believe he had a heart attack, too, so they’re testing him to confirm this.”
“Did he have surgery? Is he okay?”
“I think he just had tests so far, but I’m not sure. Honestly, I’m afraid to go check. He called me horrible names, Pastor. He said he should just kill us all. Jimmy heard everything. We’re both scared. I don’t think he’d do it, but I’ve never seen him so angry before. I don’t know anything about his former marriages. Maybe he was violent with them. I just don’t know if I should talk to him right now. I think I should wait until he’s starting to recover and has his strength back.”
“That sounds reasonable. I’ll visit him and see how he’s doing.”
I sighed with relief. “Thanks.”
“How are you doing? How’s Jimmy?” The concern in his voice made my eyes tear up again. He was such a kind man and I knew he really cared about our family.
“I’m still in shock, I guess. I still can’t believe my whole life just blew up in my face and that James is in the hospital and hates me.”
“James doesn’t hate you, Hope. He’s just hurting.”
“Yeah, well he called me a…a whore. He said it a whole bunch of times and then he woke Jimmy up out of a sound sleep and told him that I was a whore. Pastor, he yelled in Jimmy’s face, and then he threatened to kill us both.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Hope. I don’t think he meant it. He loves you. But I have to admit that’s pretty harsh. No matter what you’d done he should never have said that to you or to your child. I’ll talk to him about that.”
“Thanks,” I choked out. Wiping my eyes, I tried to hold it together, but wasn’t doing very well. Jimmy had already seen enough heartache. I wanted to be strong for him.
“How are you feeling right now?”
I spoke as quietly as I could, but I sensed that Jimmy still heard me. That he listened to every word and only pretended to be absorbed by the show.
“You know what? I’ll talk to you later, okay? I don’t feel comfortable rehashing every detail again with Jimmy sitting a few feet away.”
“That sounds reasonable. So where are you right now?”
“In a motel a few blocks from the hospital. I was too tired to drive home safely last night. This whole thing has just drained the life out of me.”
“I understand. Would you like me to pray for you right now?”
That question broke down the fragile wall I’d used to prop myself up, and tears rolled down my cheek like a rushing waterfall, though I didn’t make a sound. I whispered, “Yeah, that’d be great.”
Maybe God would hear my prayer, maybe He wouldn’t. But one thing I knew for certain was that He’d listen to Pastor Rick.
As I listened to Pastor's prayer, I thought about how badly I needed God to heal my heart and restore my family.
That was something I couldn’t do on my own. In fact, I wondered if my life was so broken at this point that even God had His limits.
“Amen.”
“Amen, and thank you, Pastor.”
“No problem, Hope. Call me any time you need to talk.”
“Okay, thanks.” I swallowed hard and hung up the phone.
Then a scripture came to mind. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, Oh God, you will not despise.
I wondered if I’d heard God’s voice, but shook off the thought. It was merely Bible verses coming to mind. A verse I’d memorized from childhood. But the phrase wouldn’t let me go. It kept repeating like a record with a scratch on it that kept skipping back to the same place.
Well if God wanted a broken spirit out of me, He would get His wish.
At this point in my life the only thing I could do was look up.
Chapter 17
As I drove home with Jimmy, I rehearsed my conversation with Pastor in my mind. I knew he’d pray for me faithfully. And oh, how I longed to get my life back on track.
Jimmy played with the radio dial as I approached town. Since I was at the end of my best friend Angela’s street, I decided to take a last minute detour to her house. I wasn’t ready to go home just yet and deal with the mess James had left the house in.
My son glanced up for a moment and asked, “Where’re we going?”
“I thought we’d stop by Ang’s house. I’m not ready to go home yet. I really need to talk to her. Besides, you don’t mind hanging out with her kids for awhile. Right?”
“Yeah, sounds good, Mom.”
“Thanks, Bud.” I patted his leg and smiled. I was very fortunate to have such an understanding and obedient child. While the blessing might not last forever, I was going to enjoy his tender spirit as long as he was with me.
I parked and approached my friend’s house, my knees weakened from fear. One of her twins saw us coming and peered out the window by the front door. She smiled and made steam circles with her breath, then drew little smiley f
aces in them.
Raising my hand, I went to knock on the door but someone yanked it open.
“Hey!” Angie blinked in surprise. “Katie told me someone was at the door.” She peered at me closely. “You okay? You look awful.”
I burst out laughing, then choked on my tears. “It’s bad, Ang. It’s really bad.” I placed my hand over my mouth in an effort to squelch my hysteria. She ushered me inside and simultaneously shooed the kids into the other room.
Jimmy led the pack and offered to play a game with them. The troops cheered and followed my son. Jimmy was so good at knowing when to slip out of the room and give me privacy. God bless him.
Ang guided me to the couch. “Talk to me.”
I sat down and took a few deep breaths, but when I saw tears pooling in my friend’s eyes, that got me sobbing all over again. So I let her hug me tight. We cried together for a long time. Healing, cleansing tears of pain understood between two friends.
I’d trust Ang with my life.
When I finally got to the place where I could speak, I sat up and wiped my eyes. “Sorry I keep coming over and sobbing like a baby. Things have just been so hard lately.”
“It’s okay, Hope, just start from where you feel most comfortable.”
“All right.” I twisted the end of my T-shirt around my fingers and stared at my hands. “I told James about the affair and now he’s in the hospital. He had bad chest pains and they think he had a heart attack. He was mad, Ang, worse than I’ve ever seen him.” I glanced up. “He…he threatened to kill us.”
She placed her hand over her mouth. “Oh my God, he didn’t.”
“Yeah, and at the time I wasn’t sure he meant it. But I was so scared. I was talking to my sister on the phone when he came in and saw me. He threw the phone and broke it. That must be when my sister called the cops. So they came over and had me leave the house with Jimmy while they handled the situation. Well, I guess James came storming into the room where the cops were and they tazered him. They think it was the shock that made him have chest pains and a heart attack. Right now he’s getting a bunch of tests done, and he is under observation. Maybe they’ll have to operate. I don’t know.”
Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Page 15