“Whoa. That’s awful. I just can’t picture the cops storming into your house.”
“Well, they didn’t exactly barrel on in. I let them inside because I was scared. I had no idea what James would do once he started threatening me, but I never expected him to get shot with tazer guns. I feel so bad about that. And other things, of course. I feel horrible about putting us into this situation to begin with.”
“Wait a minute, Hope.” Angie touched my arm and peered at me. “Didn’t you tell me that James refused to touch you for months on end? That you told him that things were hard for you and he wasn’t listening?”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t justify what I did.” I pressed my hand over my mouth and sucked in my tears. The remorse I felt for the havoc I’d brought upon my family just increased the more I talked about it. “I can’t believe this is happening to me.”
“I hear you, hon. I’m not saying it justified what you did, but I’m just saying that you didn’t do this alone. He could’ve seen a doctor or gotten help. If my husband ignored my needs like that, I don’t know what I’d do, but I can tell you it probably wouldn’t be much different. I’m just sorry that it happened in the first place. You don’t need this kind of heartache in your life.”
“I know. I keep telling the Lord I’m sorry, and I won’t ever do something like this again. I’m not sure He hears me, but I want Him to. I want to know He forgives me.”
“If you’re truly remorseful and repent, He will forgive you. He’s faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Remember that Scripture?”
“Yeah, but it’s hard to believe when you’ve done something like I’ve done. But I want to believe it. I’ve already told the Lord I’ll turn from my sin and honor Him with my life no matter what happens now. I have to. He’s the only thing that matters in my life. Him and my family. I just can’t believe how easily I lost sight of what was most important.”
“Hope, you’re human. We all fall at times. The important thing is to pick up and move on. Don’t go back there again and don’t let Satan discourage you to the point where you get depressed and do nothing but wallow in self-condemnation. That’s just what he wants. Don’t let him rob you of that joy I know you have inside. Okay?”
For the first time in days I felt like smiling. Truly smiling from the depth of my heart. I would change. I could do it. I decided right then to put my sin behind me and accept the Lord’s forgiveness. Now if I could only forgive myself.
“Thanks for listening Ang. I feel better already.” I gave her a hug and pressed my cheek against her soft hair. Ang always smelled clean and fresh, like the angel she was, but with a citrus scent. My heart warmed as she held me close. I loved her so much.
My heart pounded when I thought about how much my grief must hurt her. But that’s what friends are for, right? To love and laugh with, and to shed tears when we’re hurting. Ang was so tender and empathetic. I longed to be soft like that, but had no clue how.
My personality was more exuberant than I liked, so being calm was about as foreign to me as speaking Japanese. The Lord made me the way I am, so rather than wishing to be someone else, I decided to just be the best person I could be and to love the Lord with my whole heart again. Somehow I’d gotten off track, but no more.
“Thanks for listening, Ang. I think I’ll be okay now. I appreciate you so much.” I kissed her cheek and she grinned.
“I appreciate you more. You’ve been there for me so many times. It’s the least I can do as a friend.” Angie’s eyes filled with tears.
She must’ve been remembering the loss of her unborn child two years ago and how I’d cried with her at the funeral. She’d been seven months pregnant when she lost her youngest. It devastated me more than I thought it would to see the pain she went through. But I had to agree with what she’d said. We’d both been there for each other through the hardest of life’s trials, and we’ve pulled through.
“I love you.” I hugged her one last time, then wiped my eyes and sucked in a ragged breath. If I didn’t stop crying, I’d end up with a migraine soon.
“Love you, too.” Angie smiled at me with her brown eyes wide.
Just then the kids came barging into the room. Apparently they’d gotten caught up in a game of hide and seek and someone was mad that they’d been found. Oh, well.
“Time to go, Jimmy. Thanks for everything, Ang.” I waved for Jimmy to come to me.
As we walked out, I marveled at how clean the carpets were considering they were off-white. I could never have three kids and keep my rug looking that great. But Ang was a meticulous housekeeper. I envied that about her. Then again, she always said she wished she could cook like me. I guess we all have things we wished we could do better.
Ang closed the door behind us, and she and her kids waved through the window as we got into the SUV. As I pulled out of my friend’s driveway, I smiled. I felt better already. Stopping by Angie’s house had been a wise decision.
I pulled on to the main road. My stomach cramped at the sight of Tony’s truck driving down the street and heading toward us. He was going the other way, and I prayed he didn’t notice me, but the sharp glint of recognition I saw in his eyes as he passed by told me that he did.
My blood froze in fear, and for a moment I couldn’t breathe. Maybe his wife sat beside him, but she must’ve been looking in her purse because her head never came up or she would’ve seen us. I waited for a few seconds and worried that Tony would turn around and follow us, but he didn’t. Maybe because he saw Jimmy sitting next to me.
Whatever the reason, I was grateful that he’d kept driving. My son didn’t need to deal with his angry wife railing on me and calling me names.
Then it struck me. If Tony was driving with his wife down the street, then that meant she hadn’t kicked him out of the house like she’d said. Maybe she was planning to try and work on their marriage after all. Most people who are getting divorced don’t drive in the same vehicle together, and my guess was that Tony still lived with his wife, too.
I smiled at the thought that while my own marriage was most likely over, at least Tony still had a chance to keep his son in his life. Maybe my truthfulness helped him win her back. Whatever the reason, I was ecstatic that they were still a family. Oh, how I hoped she was with him. Then at least someone’s marriage would survive this crisis.
Once around the corner, I saw my house. As I approached, I noticed something felt different. Yet nothing seemed out of place. When I pulled into the gravel driveway, I figured out what it was.
A small piece of white paper blew back and forth in the gentle breeze. Someone had taped a note on my door.
Jimmy hopped out of the SUV the moment I parked and raced for the door. He saw the note and ripped it off. After peering at it a few seconds, his eyes widened. “Mom!”
“What is it?” I shut the door to the SUV and followed him.
“Read this.” Jimmy handed me the paper with tears in his eyes.
I squeezed my eyes closed for a moment to keep my tears at bay. With my chest so tight I could barely breathe, I examined the note. Some of the four letter words on the paper made me cringe. But the bottom line was the author wanted me to know what she thought of me in not very nice terms, and most likely she’d hoped my husband would find the note. But he was in the hospital, which she obviously didn’t know.
“Why would someone say such mean things, Mom?”
I folded the note and sighed, discouraged that my son had read such hateful things. “I think it’s the wife of the man I was seeing. She probably wrote this and hoped your dad would find it because she’s really angry at me right now.”
“But is it true? What she said?”
Tears blurred my vision. It depended on whose version of truth, but the bottom line was less than flattering. “Some of it is.”
“I don’t believe it, Mom. Don’t listen to that mean person. I know you, and you’re not like the things she said.”
With an aching heart I wrapped my arms around my son. “Thank you. I wish it were that easy. I just feel so bad dragging you into the middle of my mess.”
“I love you, Mom. Nothing you can do will ever change that.”
While tempted to argue with him, I let it go. I’d heard the same words from James. But what I wanted to know at this point was if the words my husband had said were true. The only way to know the truth would be to wait and see what he acts like when he gets out of the hospital.
I yanked on the back door, pulling it open so we could enter the house. I glanced around and took in the huge mess left by my husband’s rampage. It would take hours to clean, but I’d get right on it. My sister was coming to visit tomorrow and I wanted my house to look its best.
With one last glance at the note in my hand, I crumpled it into a wad and shoved it in the trash can.
I refused to buy in to the enemy’s lies.
God would not abandon me.
Chapter 18
My house was a disaster. In fact, I’d never seen it look so bad. Beer empties on the floor, shards of ceramic on the linoleum from the broken mugs and dishes, smashed mirrors in the bathroom. It was worse than I’d imagined. There was no way I could clean it all up in time for my sister’s arrival without professional help.
Jimmy took in the damage, his mouth agape. “Whoa. This house is a mess.”
“I’m thinking it’s too big of a job for us to do by ourselves.” I sighed.
“Yeah, I’m thinking you’re right.” Jimmy grabbed the beer empties off the floor and tucked them in the crook of his arm. “This stuff smells nasty.”
“Yeah, I hate that stale beer stench. Gross, huh?” I scrunched my face and held it away from the bottle I picked up as I walked to the garbage can and lifted the lid. I dropped the bottle inside and held the lid as Jimmy deposited the ones in his arms.
My son dropped in the last bottle and washed his hands in the sink. “I still can’t believe Dad started drinking beer. He never did that before.” His brow furrowed thoughtfully. “I think beer makes him mean.”
“Can’t disagree with you there.” I sighed. “You know, I had a boyfriend in high school who used to hit me when he started drinking.” Until that moment I hadn’t thought about Mick in years.
The abuse I’d taken from him had continued until I realized he was manipulating me. It humbled me to look back on how dumb I’d been to believe my boyfriend’s lies.
My dad had found out about Mick’s abuse and set me straight. I’d never forget the day my dad came to my rescue and grabbed Mick by the scruff of the neck when he caught Mick slapping me. My dad had tossed him out in the snow and kicked his butt, literally, and told him to stay away from me.
Of course, Mick had quickly replaced me with another girl from school who was more vulnerable than I, because she didn’t have a dad to protect her. Funny how the bad memories resurface when you’re in a crisis.
Jimmy searched in the closet and banged around until he hauled out a broom and dustpan. He started sweeping the floor while I searched the phone book for a maid service. I finally found one and dialed.
“Mini Maids at your service. Can I help you?”
“I know it’s late in the day, but I was hoping I could still get some help since it’s a Saturday. There was an…incident at my house, and I need help cleaning up before my company arrives tomorrow. Can you help me if I pay extra for your trouble?”
The woman on the other end said, “Hold on a sec.”
She hollered at someone with her hand over the phone, so her words sounded muffled. A minute later she came back on. “We can do it if we can come by in the next thirty minutes. We had a cancellation. How long do you think the job will take?”
I surveyed the room and mentally calculated the hours. “About four hours if you bring help. Three if you have several helpers.”
“Hold on a sec.” More muffled conversation. “Can you pay double time?”
I didn’t have much choice if I wanted to get it cleaned up quickly. “Yeah, I can do that, but only if you can finish in under three hours. Will that work?”
“Ma’am, you’ve got yourself a deal. Now how do we get to your house?”
So I gave the woman directions and hung up. “I’m going to take a quick shower, okay, Jimmy? But I’ll need to use your bathroom because mine has glass on the floor.”
“That’s okay, Mom, I don’t mind.” He strolled into his bedroom with a sigh and closed the door. He probably wanted to take a nap. I wouldn’t blame him. I was emotionally fried, so I could imagine how he felt.
I turned on the hot water and peeled off my clothes. Peering at myself in the mirror, I reflected on the harsh words Tony’s wife had written on that note. And my poor son had to see them in stark black and white. I cringed at the memory, wishing I could’ve protected him. But he’d already seen it by the time I realized what he’d found. Names I wouldn’t call my worst enemy, but directed at me.
It was clear that she’d wanted James to see the note. But the details were still humiliating to remember. Tony even told her about my pregnancy scare. The traitor! That was unnecessary and hurtful, to say the least.
He’d clearly told her just enough information to come off looking like he was the victim in the affair, and I was the psycho hussy—as she’d called me—in pursuit of him. I swallowed hard and entered the shower. The hot water and steam filled my head as I inhaled deeply. If only I could wash away my sin, the shame of it all. I knew He would make me clean, and I knew I’d asked Him to do that, so why did I still feel dirty?
The slanderous words on the note didn’t help. They just fed my self-condemnation. She said I should rot in hell for what I’d done to her family, to her child. Even a few days ago I would’ve agreed with her. I’d believed I deserved to rot, to suffer eternally for my sexual sin.
But today I felt like God was giving me a second chance, and I wasn’t going to blow it this time. I would show Him I repented by turning from my sin and turning my heart back to Him. That was the least I could do for the pardon He was giving me.
And I’d be a hypocrite to say on the one hand I believe He forgave me, then act like He hadn’t. He had suffered and died for my sin. Past, present and future. That’s what the Bible said, so I needed to believe it. The Scripture came to mind…Let God be true and every man a liar.
Who was I to question what God meant when He talked about His will for my life? I believe He spoke through the Scriptures and right now I wanted to read them even though I had only a few minutes before my cleaning crew would arrive.
I turned off the shower, toweled off, and dressed as quickly as I could. Grabbing my Bible from the coffee table, I opened the Word and read the first thing I saw. In the world you will have trouble, but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world.
That brought a smile to my face. Yes, God was speaking to me. He was telling me that with Him in my life I’d make it through this trial. I’d overcome my sin and I’d get right with Him again because of His great love for me. I just had to receive it. To receive His love and forgiveness.
Tears filled my eyes. “Thank you, Lord, for loving me even though my heart was clearly in the wrong. Cleanse me, Lord, and somehow use this mess in my life for the good, Amen.”
The doorbell rang.
I thanked God for hearing my prayer as I stood and walked toward the back door. I sensed His presence, and the peace now filling my heart defied description. The spirit of peace had wrapped His comforting arms around me, and in an instant I knew I was fully loved by Him. More than my son could ever love me, than any man ever could. I warmed inside with the knowledge of being completed in Him, in His love.
I reached for the door and opened it to let in the maid service and came face to face with Tony. From what I could tell in the brief moment he stared into my eyes, he was alone, but his wife could be hiding around the corner and I didn’t want to take a chance. Part of me wanted to scream in fear, and part of me wanted to cr
y and hug him and tell him that I loved him, though I knew that would be dead wrong.
Especially after the talk I had just had with the Lord.
How fickle the heart can be.
Without considering the consequences or waiting to hear what he had to say, I slammed the door in his face and clicked the deadbolt lock in place. I had to keep him away from me. To put a barrier between us.
“You bitch!” he yelled through the door and pounded on it with his fist. He cursed several more times, even saying the Lord’s name in vain. “You ruined my life. You…”
I ran into the other room, sobbing. I couldn’t take any more.
Tony had glared at me. That same face that had looked at me with such tenderness when he made love to me now looked vile and angry. How could he turn on me like that?
I didn’t understand it, but in the end it didn’t really matter. I couldn’t see him again, I refused to compromise. So maybe his anger would help me stick to my decision. Maybe God would use it for the good. But it still hurt. I’d shared some intimate moments with him and he looked at me with such animosity that it tore my heart to shreds.
The sound of crunching gravel and rocks spraying on the side of the house told me that he drove off. My cell phone rang, but I decided to not answer it when I realized it was that special ring—Tony’s ring. I couldn’t imagine that anything Tony would have to say at this point would be worth my attention, so I let it go.
About five minutes later someone knocked on the back door. This time I peered through the peephole and saw it was the maid service. I opened the door and let them in. “Thanks for coming on such short notice.”
The leader of the group took in the mess and whistled. “Looks like you had a wild party that got out of hand.”
I didn’t agree or disagree, but led the three maids into the master bathroom and bedroom. “These are the worst rooms. Can you start here, please?”
“No problem.” The woman handed the younger lady behind her a set of keys. “Go to the van and get…”
Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Page 16