by M. Robinson
I nodded off a few times and woke up to my phone that I replaced that morning, pinging with a text message. I swiped over the screen.
Please. Leave me alone.
I didn’t have to wonder who it was from. I replied back.
Never.
She stopped texting me. That was the last message I received, and I went home an hour later. Days of not seeing her, of not talking to her, turned into weeks. Not for my lack of trying. I was going fucking crazy, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Not one damn thing.
All I could was wait.
I was all out of prayers.
“Hey,” Alex said, sitting beside me at her parents’ restaurant. “Why aren’t you surfing with the boys?” She gave me a worried look. It was out of character for me not to be surfing, but I wasn’t up for anything lately.
I shrugged, looking out at the patio from the corner table.
“Are you okay?”
I shrugged again.
She picked up my arm, placing it around her tiny frame to lie against my shoulder. We stayed like that in comfortable silence for a while.
“The first time you boys started bringing girls around, I hated every last one of them. I thought you were replacing me with boobs and blonde hair.”
I chuckled, and it sounded so foreign coming from my mouth. I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed.
“You know I never felt that way with Aubrey. Not once. I loved her instantly. She is like the sister I never had, other than Lily of course.”
I nodded, hugging her closer to me.
“I may not understand what you boys do.”
I knew she was referring to Lucas, but I didn’t call her out on it.
“At the end of the day you’re a part of me, each one of you. A bond like that can never be broken.”
I glanced at her, understanding her subtle metaphor and she smiled. I caught someone out of the corner of my eye, and that’s when I saw her.
Aubrey.
I instantly stood up. Our eyes connected from across the room, as if she felt me. For the first time since I met her I couldn’t read her. I didn’t know what she was thinking, what she was feeling, what she wanted or needed. That scared me more than anything.
I stepped toward her and she stepped back, shaking her head no. My face frowned, confusion quickly taking over my entire body. I cocked my head to the side with wide eyes not believing what the fuck I was seeing, what the fuck was happening. She took one last look at me and turned to leave.
I booked it across the room, and roughly gripped her arm when I caught up to her. I didn’t think before I acted. She flinched, her body locking up. I dropped her arm like she was on fire and her skin burned my hand. She shut her eyes tightly, hugging her torso, slightly shaking.
“Shit!” I instinctively reached for her but pulled back. “I didn’t think, darlin’, I’m sorry.”
She bit her lip, lightly nodding.
“But how can you just run away from me like that?”
She stepped back, needing to get further away from me, like I repulsed her.
“What the hell?” I stepped toward her again, and she suddenly opened her eyes.
“Please, Dylan, please just give me some space, okay?” She moved back yet again.
“Jesus Christ, suga’, you can’t even be near me? Look I know what happened—”
“You. Know. Nothing,” she gritted out with a hateful glare.
I stood there shocked, not recognizing the girl standing in front of me. Her bruises and cuts may have been gone, but so was she.
“I’m only here because my mom wanted some dinner from this restaurant. If it were up to me I would never leave my room again, but I can’t do that. Now can I?” she sneered.
I jerked back. “Who do you think you’re talking to, Aubrey?”
She turned, walking towards her mom’s car, dismissing me. She opened the door and at the last second stopped to look at me.
“No one,” she answered. “Not anymore.”
She got in the car and left, taking my heart with her.
Leaving me standing there.
To die inside.
“Thanks for your help, Aunt Celeste,” I said into the phone. “Talk soon.” I hung up.
Seventy-six days.
Ten weeks.
Two months.
Since I recognized the girl that stared back at me in the mirror.
She doesn’t smile.
She doesn’t laugh.
She barely talked.
She hardly moved.
The reflection peering back at me as I sat in front of my vanity was just a body. There was no soul, no life, a shell of a human being.
“I love you,” I muttered so low I could scarcely hear it. “I love you,” I repeated a little louder. “I. Love. You,” I yelled out, emphasizing each word.
I reached for my heart but nothing changed, the beat still remained neutral, a complete lack of any emotion.
Life.
I stood up so fast, I knocked my chair over, raising my fist and slamming it into the mirror as hard as I could. It shattered all around my hand. Shards of glass cut through my numb skin.
Still nothing.
“I hate you!” I punched it again, the glass breaking wider. “I fucking hate you!” I yelled, smashing my fist into the mirror over and over again. Screaming at the top of my lungs, “I fucking hate you! I hate you! Do you hear me! I hate you!”
Dylan rushed into my bedroom out of nowhere, grabbing me tightly around my wrist.
Too tight.
Too hard.
Too much.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he roared too close to my face.
I shut my eyes, holding in my breath with his smell all around me.
“What are—”
“No! No! No!” I shrieked, roughly pulling away my arm, shaking my head back and forth.
He wrapped his arms around me, engulfing me in nothing but his scent and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. I was suffocating, drowning deeper in my despair, in the memories that haunted me when I was awake and when I tried to sleep. He closed me in tighter, and pressed me firmly against him, I could feel him everywhere and all at once.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I screamed bloody murder, pushing him as hard as I could and his back hit the wall. I didn’t falter.
“FUCK YOU! I hate you! I hate you!” I repeated, hitting all over his face. He tried to block each and every advance, so I pushed him and hit him harder.
“Aubrey, calm the fuck down,” he reasoned only pissing me off more.
That was it. I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you so fucking much!” I sobbed, hitting and shoving him the closer he tried to come toward me. “I fucking hate you! I hate you!”
My eyes blurred with nothing but tears, and my body twisted with the longing to break apart.
“I hate you! I hate you!” I yelled, talking to myself. I repeated it over and over to let it sink into my pores, drain into blood and make it become a part of me. Making me truly believe it, truly know that this was the end. There was no hope for me.
For us.
I shuddered to the ground, taking him with me as I sat on my knees with my body hunched over.
“I can’t breathe, Dylan. I can’t fucking breathe,” I bawled uncontrollably. “I feel like I’m dying. I feel like I’m dying everyday. It won’t go away! It will never go away! And I can’t breathe!”
He pulled me into his lap and I let him, desperately trying to block out his scent that assaulted me all over.
“Shhh… it’s okay, suga’… it’s okay, I’m here,” he sympathized, his own voice breaking.
I collapsed into his arms, emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted.
I was there, but I wasn’t.
He placed my hand over his heart.
“Feel me, Aubrey, feel my heart.”
I tried, I really did, but I cou
ldn’t feel anything because I knew…
His was broken, too.
Summer was almost over.
I was leaving to head back to Ohio in a few days. Who knows, maybe the distance would be good to clear my head. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Aubrey since the breakdown in her room a few weeks ago. I was just grateful that I remembered her mom kept a hidden key under one of the lawn ornaments by the flowerbed. I wouldn’t let my mind ponder what Aubrey would have done to herself had I not heard her when I was by her front door. That dreadful day was the last communication between us. She wouldn’t return any of my calls, answer any of my texts, and she refused to see me. I was either turned away by her mom or blatantly ignored when I knocked on her door. It’s like she fell off the face of the earth.
Words couldn’t express how surprised I was when she texted me that morning, wanting me to meet her at the beach. I jumped in my Jeep and headed there with hope in my heart.
She was sitting by the water, crying.
The exact same spot she was in when I first talked to her at Ian’s party. She was thinner, pale, and lifeless, but God she was still so fucking beautiful, so breathtakingly beautiful. Her hair was down and flowing through the light breeze, it was the only part of her that moved with ease. She wore my favorite light yellow dress. I could visibly tell she was uncomfortable in her own skin. I walked slower the closer I got as I approached her. The last thing I wanted was to scare her away.
She flinched a little when I sat beside her, our shoulders barely touching, but to my surprise she didn’t move away. The warmth that usually radiated off of her was missing. She was cold. Detached, lost in her own mind. I saw her painfully close her eyes and swallow hard for a few seconds before she opened them again to look out toward the ocean.
It was a beautiful summer day outside.
There wasn’t a cloud in sight. The sky was calm with soft colors of blue for miles and miles, with no end in sight. The gentle lull of the ocean and the smell of water all around us seeped into our senses. I couldn’t have asked for a more picturesque day.
My girl was sitting beside me except it wasn’t my Aubrey, this person was an imposter.
She suddenly leaned into my shoulder, catching me off guard. At first I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. When she scooted towards me a little more I held back the desire to pull her into me, to place my arm around her and lay her in the nook of my arm like she loved. I didn’t have to dwell on it too long because she did it herself. She moved my arm, setting it around her frail body. The body I didn’t recognize anymore. The body that was no longer mine. Resting her head on my shoulder, she leaned her frame alongside mine.
I felt her take three, deep, steady breaths before she somewhat relaxed against me.
I fucking smiled.
I smiled so big for the first time in months, finally being able to breathe. I hugged her closer to me, kissing the top of her head. She let me, only tensing for a few seconds before calming once again.
We stayed like that for the rest of the afternoon in complete silence, watching the world revolve around us as if we were the only two people in it. The bright colors of the sky started giving way to nightfall, blending brilliantly in deep oranges to fire reds. Sunsets in Oak Island were always a sight to behold. Before panic could set in that she was going to end our time together and push me away once again, she stood, hovering above me. Looking down with an expression I couldn’t place.
She reached her hand down in front of my face.
“Come on,” she simply stated.
I grabbed her delicate hand and stood, she led us up the beach for a few minutes. I watched the way she moved, the way her body swayed with each movement of her feet, the way her hair smelled in the breeze, the touch of her soft skin against my rough hand. Not paying any attention to where she was taking us. We reached a house on the water that appeared to be abandoned. She steered us up the patio steps by the empty pool, opening the glass door into a house that was nearly remodeled, but it looked like it was left to sit and rot away like most homes in Oak Island.
When I closed the sliding doors and turned around I saw blankets, pillows, water, and food lying around the empty open space. Someone had been using it as their own. At first I thought it might have been squatters, but the stuff was way too nice for people living on the streets.
She peered around the room taking in our surroundings, still not letting go of my hand. Her eyes found mine again.
“Where did you find this place?” I questioned.
“Alex.”
“What do—”
She placed her finger on my lips. “Shhh…”
I cocked my head to the side, confused.
“Shhh…” she repeated, stepping towards me without cowering for the first time in months.
She looked deep into my eyes intently, searching for something in my stare. Looking for some recognition of whom I was or maybe remnants of who she was when she was with me. I had never seen her look at me like that before.
Longing.
Using the finger that was already on my lips, she started gently swiping it back and forth against my mouth. Pulling my lips apart to rub along the inside where she could feel my breath. I didn’t stop her, I let her do what she wanted, what she needed in hopes that it would bring back my girl.
She slowly moved her finger along the edge of my face, tracing my jawbone from one side to the other. Moving to my cheeks, then the bridge of my nose and up to my forehead. Just touching ever so softly along my skin, remembering my face. She made her way back to my lips, repeating the tracing motion once again.
Our eyes stayed connected the entire time. She licked her lips as she brushed her finger down my chin to my neck, stopping to caress my throat with her thumb. She made her way down to my chest, breaking eye contact, focusing on my heart, tracing her fingers along it, hardly touching me. Sending shivers that shook my core.
When she firmly placed the palm of her right hand against my heart, I saw a subtle smile appear on her face. It was quick, but it was there. She gradually joined our left hands and brought them up to her heart. Pressing her fingers on the backside of my hand to hold it in place. It was beating a mile a minute, nothing compared to my steady beat. She gazed up into my eyes with a glazed look in hers. They changed from what I saw only a few seconds before.
I waited for her next move, feeling her rapid heartbeat pounding against my hand.
She looked down at my lips and continued to where her hand was placed on my chest. Taking a deep breath, she stepped closer to me, leaving no space between us. She took away the hand that was over mine resting on her heart and moved it to the side of my face, tugging on the ends of my hair as I had done countless times to her. She slipped my hair behind my ear and we locked gazes.
Her hand settled on the side of my neck where my reassuring pulse was, and she faintly smiled yet again.
Standing on the tips of her toes with our eyes still locked, she leaned in to tenderly place her lips on mine. I had no time to register what just happened before she parted her lips, beckoning me to do the same.
I did.
I cherished every second that our mouths moved against one another as if they were made for each other, our mouths starving for affection. I hadn’t kissed her in months.
I didn’t understand the change of events, but I was grateful for them nonetheless.
When she suddenly stopped I resisted the urge to whimper as I opened my eyes. I found her still staring at me like she hadn’t closed her eyes the entire time we were kissing. I watched her crouch down in front of me, taking my hand with her. I followed her to the blanketed floor where she laid down, guiding me to lie on top of her.
Her expression told me not to ask questions.
I slowly lay on top of her, being cautious of my movements. It was then that I noticed her hand was still on my chest, above my heart. She had never taken it off. I rested my arms by the sides of her face as I started to lower my frame on hers. Her heart
beat drastically accelerated, and I swear it echoed in the room.
I pushed off her to sit on the heels of my shoes.
“Suga’, this isn’t a good idea,” I said, speaking the truth.
She took in my words for a few seconds and then sat up with me, her face void of any and all emotion. She reached for the hem of her dress, never taking her eyes off mine. I lowered my eyebrows, shaking my head no, but she still started to pull it up. I gripped her wrist immediately stopping her.
“Aubrey,” I coaxed. “We don’t have to do this. This isn’t what I want.” I lowered my hold.
She narrowed her eyes at me and then whispered, “I love you. Just me and you right?” Her voice laced with so much sadness, so much pain.
I nodded with so many emotions coursing through my body I couldn’t find the words to speak.
“Promise?” she added.
“Always.”
Her eyes melted before she raised her dress over her head and was left wearing only her panties. Revealing her once curvy body that looked so frail now. No matter what she looked like, I still fucking loved her so damn much. I peered back up to her eyes because it physically hurt me to remember why she was so small to begin with, and I didn’t want to lose this moment that I prayed would lead to many more.
She looked down at my clothed frame, silently asking me to take off my clothes, and I obliged since it was what she wanted. In that moment I would give her anything her little heart desired.
When I was fully undressed she crawled over to me, resting between my legs and placed her hand over my heart once again, kissing me ever so softly. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, I didn’t know what was okay and what wasn’t, but she must have sensed my resolve because she pushed me back to lie down with her hand that was over my heart. I kept my eyes closed the entire time, terrified that if I opened them this wouldn’t actually be happening and I truly was dreaming.
We stayed like that for I don’t know how long, I could feel her thoughts raging a war in her mind, but then I felt her straddle my waist, breaking our kiss to rest her forehead on mine.