by M. Robinson
“Please open your eyes. Please look at me,” she murmured so low I could barely hear her.
I instantly did, and what I saw nearly broke my fucking heart. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears and that was my undoing, I couldn’t take it anymore. I gripped the sides of her face.
“Suga’, look at me. We do not have to do this,” I breathed out against her lips.
“I need you. I need you to make this better. I need you to make it all go away. I need you to erase him from my body,” she rasped, her voice breaking. “Feel me. Touch me.” A single tear escaped her eye.
“Where?” I coaxed.
She pressed her hand onto my heart like she did the night she gave me her virginity.
“Here.”
I kissed her lips, her cheeks, the tip of her nose, all over her face as I slowly moved my hand from the side of her face down to her neck.
“Tell me if you need me to stop,” I urged and she nodded, claiming my lips with hers, our eyes still wide open.
I caressed along her smooth skin, trailing my fingers over her naked body. Her hand immediately clenched against my heart when I reached her pubic bone. Her expression told me to keep going, so I did. Gently, I pressed the palm of my hand alongside her folds, staying above her panties. Her body locked up instantaneously.
“I love you, darlin’, I love you so fucking much,” I soothed in between kissing her. “My life didn’t begin until the day I met you, Aubrey. Do you remember that strong, take-no-bullshit girl?” I coaxed, looking deep into her eyes with an intense stare.
She nodded, resting her forehead on mine as I slowly moved my hand back and forth, caressing her the way I used to. How I knew she loved. Wanting to bring back the affectionate time between us.
“Do you know what I first noticed about you?”
She sucked in air, my tender touch getting to her.
“The way you love, darlin’, protecting the people you care about. I knew right away that I wanted you to love me like that.”
She hazily smiled, her tense hand against my heart relaxing as I glided my hand on her clit a little faster, a little harder, her wetness seeping through on my fingers.
My heart surged.
“I knew that smile, that laugh, those eyes were going to be the end of me. I wouldn’t ever be able to get enough.” I pecked her lips and her mouth parted, my persistent rubbing visibly satisfying her.
“You’re all I ever wanted but never knew I needed,” I breathed out as she breathed in. It was like we were breathing for one another.
“God, Aubrey, you have no idea how much I’ve missed you. How much I love you.”
My words were getting to her, too.
Her back subtly arched.
“I’m yours,” I whispered in her ear as I took it in my mouth.
She was coming undone.
“Ah,” she exhaled into my mouth, her body trembling, causing me to smile.
“There’s my girl,” I groaned, sliding her panties to the side. I positioned myself at her opening and she followed my lead, easing down my shaft.
“You can go as slow as you need, I’m not going anywhere,” I reminded, loving the feel of her wrapped around me, trying like hell not to get lost in the sensation of her.
I took a moment when I was fully inside of her, paying close attention to the expressions on her face and the responses of her body. I always did, but this time it was so different.
Blinding and consuming.
All or nothing.
I caressed the side of her cheek and she leaned into my touch as she gradually rotated her hips.
“Jesus, suga’, I love you so much. I will spend the rest of my life taking care of you, loving you. You have to know that. Whatever it takes. I’m here, and I’m not leaving. We’re in this together, just you and me.”
I closed my eyes and kissed all along her face again, savoring this precious moment between us.
“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, Dylan, I’m so sorry,” she wept, breaking down on my chest, stopping her movements.
“Shhh… Shhh…” I wrapped my arms around her, wanting her to seek the comfort she needed in my arms. “Aubrey, I’m the one that’s so fucking sorry. I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. We can go to therapy. I don’t care as long as we’re together. Do you understand me? Do you hear me?”
I wiped away all her tears and kissed every last inch of her face as I placed my body completely on hers like I knew she loved, and caressed her cheeks that were flushed and warm. My torso touching her chest and my legs firmly locked beside hers.
“Is this okay?” I had to ask. “God, I just want to hold you. I just want to love you,” I whispered, gazing intently into her eyes. “I promise I will make everything better. We will go back to Ohio together, just you and me.”
I needed her to understand how much it meant to me that she was letting me back in, and that she was giving me another chance, us another chance.
“What’s wrong?” I questioned, trying to read her expression. Searching her face for an answer.
She shook her head and closed her eyes as she gripped onto my back tighter, like she was trying to mold us into one person.
She kissed me, and I took it as her silent request to move inside her. I loved to feel her wrapped around me, inch by inch, taking her slowly and cherishing her like she deserved. Wanting to wipe away every memory of that fucker’s hands on her, and remind her that this was me.
Us.
Every time I would thrust inside her, she could feel the mass of my body movement, inching her a little higher each time. I softly kissed her, taking my time with each stroke of my tongue as it entwined with hers. Savoring the velvety feel of my mouth claiming hers. I pushed in and out of her before I pulled away needing to look into her eyes.
I loved seeing every emotion I felt through her gaze, it mirrored every feeling that was displayed inside of my heart. To a degree I never quite understood, but I didn’t care because it was there.
It was for me.
Just for me.
I was always so in tune with her eyes, and in that moment they were indescribable, but I didn’t care because I was inside her. We were together and that’s all that mattered. The rest would come with time. My thumb brushed against her cheek and I kissed her slowly once again, thrusting a little faster.
“I love you. I love you so fucking much. Thank you, suga’, thank you for coming back to me.”
She would never fully understand what this meant to me, but I would spend the rest of my life showing her what it did.
My forehead hovered above hers as we caught our breaths, trying to find a unison pattern.
When her delicate fingers caressed the sides of my face, I was at a loss for words. I grabbed her by the nook of her neck and brought her lips to meet mine, pushing my tongue into her waiting mouth. Something took over me, this primal urge that had never happened with her before and our kiss turned passionate, completely moving on its own accord. There was something agonizing about the way we were making love.
Desperate and desolate.
Urgent and demanding.
All consuming.
Both of us giving what the other needed.
We couldn’t get enough of one another, both of us wanting more.
Wanting everything.
Our bodies moved like we were made for each other. There weren’t any of our demons in the room.
It was just us.
For the first time in months.
Our mouths parted and we were both panting profusely, unable to control the thoughts that were wreaking havoc on our souls. Desperately trying to cling onto every sensation of our skin on skin contact.
I shook with my release and passionately claimed her mouth once again. She returned every ounce of everything I was giving her. There was no holding back, and I couldn’t thank God hard enough.
“My girl,” I groaned in between kissing. “I love you so much, baby.”
She roughly pulled her face away from my hold, turning her head to the side.
“Get off me,” she snapped with a cold and detached voice, making me jerk back like the wind was just knocked out of me. Like I took a low blow right to the stomach.
“What?”
“Get. The. Fuck. Off. Me,” she gritted out through clenched teeth her body instantly rigid.
When I didn’t move fast enough she shoved me with her hands, scooting out from under me. Leaving me frozen on the ground, staring at the place we just made love.
She threw my clothes at me.
“Get dressed. I can’t stand looking at you fucking naked.”
What the fuck just happened?
I sat up with a stunned look on my face as I watched her throw her dress on. She looked at me like I was a goddamn idiot when I still hadn’t moved, so I stood and put my jeans on, not bothering with my shirt.
I stepped toward her. “Baby, what’s—”
She cringed, stepping away from me. “Fuck!” she sneered, shaking her hands out in front of her. “Don’t call me that! Don’t ever fucking call me that again!”
I opened my mouth to say something, anything.
“No! Don’t fucking talk. It’s over! It’s so fucking over, Dylan. It makes me sick to even be around you. We’re done! Do you understand me? Done!” she screamed hysterically.
“You’ve gotta be shittin’ me? This is a joke, right?” I reached for her and she knocked my hand out of the way.
“No.” She violently shook her head. “You want to know what’s a joke? That you actually believe that we just made love and that I was miraculously cured. When in fact, the entire time I was praying that I wouldn’t throw up because the mere smell of you makes me fucking sick,” she spewed, causing me to step back.
“I know what you’re doing. I know what you’re fucking doing, and I’m not going to let you push me away! Not after all this!” I argued, pointing my finger at her.
“Fine, then I’ll leave.”
She turned but she wasn’t quick enough. I gripped her wrist, holding her in place in front of me.
"You're not going anywhere. Not until I say you can and, darlin'… I won't."
“Fuck you!” She crudely tore her hand away from my grasp. “You don’t know anything! Not one damn thing! You need to go now! What more can I say to you! I don’t want you here! Go back to Ohio! Leave me alone!” she screamed the last part.
“I’m not going anywhere. I fucking love you, Aubrey.”
She winced like it hurt her to hear me say it.
“I. Love. You,” I emphasized each word, needing her to understand, needing to get through to her.
She scoffed. “What do you want, McGraw? This wasn’t love making, this wasn’t me coming back to you. This was me fucking you.”
“Stop,” I roared, becoming livid with her rant.
“Stop what? The truth? Dylan, this was goodbye, nothing more. I’m leaving for California! I’m not going with you! We have no future. So, get that through your goddamn head.”
“Bree,” I forewarned. “You don’t need to do this. I know, darlin’, it’s okay. Let me be here for you. I’m not going anywhere,” I pleaded with her.
“I’m sick of your shit! This is your fucking fault! You let me go by myself! You let me get raped! You let me fucking die that day!”
She turned away from me and headed for the door. I was over to her in one stride, grabbing her shoulder to turn her to face me, pulling the hair away from her face to look deep into her eyes.
I spoke with conviction, “Please, don’t do this! Please, don’t fucking do this,” I urged, hanging on by a thread. “You don’t have to do this, please!”
“Let go of me! Do you hear me?”
I did and she immediately started to walk around the room. When I heard the rattle of her keys I didn’t think twice about it, I just acted. She was about to take my whole life with her.
I threw myself on my knees in front of her and wrapped my arms tightly around her waist, holding her as close as possible. The side of my face lying against her stomach.
“Please, don’t do this. I am fucking begging you on my knees, please!”
I could sense her resolve breaking, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I bawled. I sobbed for the first time since I found her broken body on the trail.
“My hands are tied, Aubrey. Isn’t that what you wanted? Me on my knees. Me on my goddamn knees, waiting for you! Well here I am, pleading with you not to do this,” I cried like a newborn baby. “I’m so fucking sorry, darlin’! I didn’t save you then, but please let me do it now.”
She didn’t waver. “I don’t love you anymore. I can’t love you after what happened, it’s too hard. I just can’t. My love for you died the day that I did. Love isn’t supposed to hurt this much.”
I shook my head. "No one said that love was easy."
She didn't falter. "Yeah… But no one said it was going to be this hard either."
I hesitated for a few seconds, silently praying that she wouldn’t reply with what I thought.
“Promise?” I asked the one word that would take all of her away from me.
“Always,” she simply stated as if it meant nothing when it meant everything.
It was then I finally understood.
She tried to fuck me out of her heart.
And I would spend the rest of my life…
Trying to fuck her out of mine.
My heart was breaking, lying on the floor next to his.
This was the only way he would ever leave me alone. The only way he would ever let me go. I knew if I made him believe that we still had a chance, if I allowed him to have hope, allowed him to touch me, allowed him to make love to me, feel my heart, and reach my soul… then he would never forgive me for breaking him right after.
Except I didn’t pretend.
I made love to him, too.
Everything he was saying was true, every last word. I almost couldn’t go through with it, apologizing profusely and crumbling on his chest like it would suddenly excuse what I was about to do to him. Like it would suddenly make it all go away and all that would be left was our love.
The one that I wanted back so badly, so profusely, so intently. But when I felt his strong arms come around me, and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach creeping back in from his scent, I realized it didn’t matter anymore, nothing ever would. I wasn’t that girl anymore. The one he fell in love with. She was gone. She died the day he found me broken in that godforsaken forest.
I needed to set him free.
He didn’t deserve this.
Me.
What was left of me.
I dug my fingernails as hard as I could into the palms of my hands to keep from giving in to every last promise he made. Every last word that fell from his lips.
I couldn’t do this to him anymore.
I needed to end it, knowing that all it would take was a few simple words.
I swallowed hard and with the coldest, detached voice I could muster, I said, “I don’t love you anymore. I can’t love you after what happened, it’s too hard. I just can’t. My love for you died the day that I did.” Tears fell down the sides of my face, one right after the other. Waiting for him to respond with what I already knew was coming.
The end.
“Promise?” he simply wept.
I closed my eyes and pictured that day.
His hands…
His lips…
His thrusts…
And whispered, “Always.” Hammering the final nail in the coffin.
I pushed him off of me like he disgusted me, and I knew he could feel it. I walked toward the door, looking back one last time to find him on his hands and knees, bowing his head in defeat as I bowed mine. I never meant to say all the hateful things that came out of my mouth. I didn’t think it was his fault. Not for one second. I was just trying to add fuel to the fire of our now tainted love.
I wanted one last
time with him, I was planning on breaking his heart by walking out, I needed to set us free from each other, we had become toxic. But when he called me baby… Dylan was gone and the faceless man was in front of me. The two men became one and a volatile feeling took over.
I left him there, broken.
Knowing that he would never look at me the same.
Knowing that what we had was gone.
Knowing that he would now know that, too.
He would hate me, and the thought of that alone made my body shudder to the point of pain. I walked back to my mom’s car numb, cold, and alone.
I drove the entire way home in a fog of my own doing. I parked the car in the driveway, taking a deep breath before I turned my face to see what was in the passenger seat.
And then…
I fucking lost it.
I sobbed for hours upon hours, days upon days, months upon months.
Years to come.
Clutching on to the only love I’ve ever known who gave me the same jewelry box that made me feel not so alone because he knew that it would…
Undo me.
I was halfway through my junior year in college. I hadn’t seen or talked to Aubrey in almost two damn years. I wish I could say I forgot about her, but I'd be lying. I would see her in just a few short hours, since we promised Half-Pint we would come and visit her on spring break. Her and Aubrey shared an apartment in California, both attending UCLA. They still remained close. I didn’t allow Alex to be caught up in our bullshit; it had nothing to do with her. She was halfway through her freshman year of college and Aubrey was a sophomore.
I knew Alex needed us now more than ever since she was going through so much shit with Lucas knocking someone up. He was going to be a father in just a few short months. Another bomb was dropped on us; Lucas’ mom had stage three breast cancer.
We all took the news hard, but that was fucking life.
“What is that?” she asked, pulling me away from my thoughts and nestling closer to my torso, with one arm over my chest and her leg draped over mine.
“None of your goddamn business.” I grinned, trying to lessen the blow of my direct response. Placing my keychain back on the dresser.