When Love Meets Lust

by Stephanie Cross

  ‘It’s time to leave…its time to leave’ I begin to mutter to myself, trying to convince my heart that my head is right.

  I flag down a cab near Bondi Junction station and try to explain in my best sign language to the taxi driver whose English clearly does not go any further than ‘yes’ ‘no’ and ‘thank you’ that I need to get back to my flat. After several attempts of wild hand gestures and breaking down the words for the driver to understand I feel we are finally getting somewhere and that I might get out of this area.

  ‘Daaahlingggg Harrrrbourrrr’

  ‘Yes you know the one with the water and the boats. It gets very busy, there is a big cinema there too.’

  ‘One with no bridge’

  ‘Yes that’s the one, do you know it?’

  ‘I can take you there, no problem’.

  Instead of taking a breather in the taxi, I am still on edge as I am left wondering as to whether he does actually understand and know where he is going or whether instead he will end up dropping me in the middle of Darlinghurst instead. So much for making a quick exit.

  After what seems like a lifetime, he does finally drop me off at Darling Harbour. I stuff a few notes in his hand and hope its covers the fare and then decide to offer him a small bow as a small mark of respect for getting me to the right destination in one piece.

  He shakes his head and mutters to himself ‘You English are all the same.’ He then puts the taxi back into gear and speeds down the road. I begin to wonder whether I have just been rather insulting to his culture with the mini bow I gave and feel bad for the way I handled the situation. It’s not easy to come to another country and start again, I should know… well at least a little bit anyway.

  However, more pressing matters await as its time for me to return back home to the wild yet familiar wilderness of the Essex countryside. They do say the only way is Essex and right now it seems like the only and best way to escape all the craziness that has happened in my life over the past few weeks.

  I walk towards the apartment which is two blocks from the Harbour and think of what I am going to say to my sister. I know she is going to go bat shit crazy when I tell her that I am leaving and I know she will do her best older twin sister act of convincing me to stay.

  As I buzz myself in to the apartment block and head up in the lift, a retching stink fills my nostrils and I see that in the corner of the lift there is a pile of animal faeces…. great just what I wanted to smell and see on my last day in Sydney. I bet you it was that fucking Chihuahua Fifi who decided to use this lift as a toilet. Her owner always seems to be going back and forwards to her accountant to sort out her ‘pet grooming’ business.

  As I turn the key in the apartment door and push it open I see Martha and Chloe curled up on the sofa and I can hear the landlord and his girlfriend playing loud electronic music in their bedroom. Martha jumps up immediately as her twin intuition kicks in as she knows something is not right with me.

  I stand in the middle of the living room and announce my declaration to her;

  ‘I am leaving Martha…please don’t stop me. I will be packing my clothes and I will be telling that creep of a landlord to go do one and then I will be getting a taxi to the airport to leave this city.’

  For a split second we both give each other a stony stare, knowing that a battle will commence of which no one will come out unscathed. However, Martha drops her eyes and then looks back at me like a sad puppy.

  ‘Go Ruby…I will not stop you, we are both adults now and I know you’ve had a tough time but just tell me one thing, what made you decide to leave now and so abruptly?’

  My act of steely composure comes to an end and I can no longer hold back the tears. My body begins to shake as everything erupts from me like a volcano. I tell Martha everything. The good and the bad, its weird that despite being twins our lives took such different directions whilst in Sydney.

  Martha gives me a tight hug which is warm and comforting. I then feel her body become tense and I know that this is a sign that she wants to release some rage…

  ‘That fucking bastard’ she spits in my ear… ‘if I ever see the guy I will personally kick him in the bollocks for you. I don’t want you to leave. I’m also disappointed that you are leaving because of a guy… I thought you would be stronger than this Ruby.’

  She releases me from her embrace but holds on tightly to my lower arms so she can look me in the eye and let her disappointment and sadness be fully known to me.

  I feel absolutely awful. I do not want to disappoint anybody but I need to stand my ground and prove to her that Ryan is not the maker of my destiny.

  ‘Martha, my decision is not wholly based on a boy, the past few weeks have left me exhausted and being attacked has really shaken me. It is time for me to go home and take stock and get back to being the strong and independent woman I used to be.’

  Martha lets out a deep sigh and releases my arms in defeat.

  ‘Okay Ruby, fair enough… it is clear your mind is made up. Let me deal with the landlord as both me and Chloe fancy giving him a good dressing down and we have an eye on an apartment down the road we want to rent anyway. Do you want help in packing your stuff?’

  Martha ended up saying the last sentence to the kitchen wall as I had already walked in to our shared bedroom and began stuffing all my clothes into my tatty rucksack. It’s amazing that even after a year in Australia I have very little to show for my time except for clothes and a few photos and shells from the various beaches I’ve visited around the city. I take in all the pictures sitting on my bed side table…Andre and I at Luna Park grinning like loons, a picture of Martha, Chloe and I sitting on Palm Beach licking big ice creams our hair slightly ruffled from the sea breeze and all pretending to look like cool cats with our big sunglasses on. Tess and I pretending we were flower angels wearing big floral headdresses at work. Behind the photo of Tess, I find one of Ryan and I smiling at each other from when we ended up hiding in the Photo Booth to avoid our disastrous dates. I want to throw it away and forget everything with Ryan but for some reason I hide it between the other photos.

  After placing the photos on top of the scrumpled clothes in my rucksack with a mixed feeling of warmth and sadness in my stomach, I look out towards the doorway ready to make my exit and I see Martha looking at me with a softness in her face as the sides of her mouth gently lift upwards.

  ‘Oh sis…for just a moment I saw a brief look of happiness on your face when looking at those photos there…it’s just a shame you have to go and lose the chance of making some more precious memories here.’

  I try to avoid the subject and keep on track with getting out of this country.

  ‘Okay Martha this is it, I’ll get a taxi to the airport and will see if I can get a flight to London today. If not I will try some other Aussie city like Melbourne or something and stay there for a few days until I can get a flight back home.’

  Martha comes closer to where I am standing and takes on the role of Mother;

  ‘Now are you sure you have got everything? You do know if you can’t get a flight anywhere you can just come back here until things are sorted? Please do be careful Ruby, you’ve already had one bad experience here, I don’t want you to have two. Make sure you text me the details of flights and things once you know…’

  ‘Woah Martha enough with the questions already, your even worse than Mum with all this fussing.’

  The soft smile has turned into a smirk and a look of ‘don’t push your luck.’

  ‘Well you are my little sis even if it is only by three minutes, I have to make sure you are okay…besides Mum would kill me if I hadn’t done the mandatory checks on her behalf.’ She then winked at me and then gave me another strong hug before helping me lift my fully loaded rucksack on to my slightly pinkish red skin, I knew I should have stuck with the factor 50 rather than the 30.

  Whilst I do my best not to moan and groan as the rucksack straps dig into my scorched skin, Martha continues with her i
nstructive tone; ‘Right Ruby, me and Chloe will walk you out of the flat and wait with you until you get a taxi and we will do our best to make some fabulous gurning faces to make sure you have a send-off to remember.’

  ‘Thanks so much sis, I couldn’t think of a more sentimental and loving way to send off a sister than gurning’.

  Then just as we are about to get out of the door Mr Chen makes an appearance from the bedroom and stands in front of us. He is wearing an off-white string vest that covers his podgy stomach along with a pair of rather fetching purple y-fronts. I am not sure whether to laugh or scream at the site of this guy. I do know however that I can finally get my own back on this guy for being such a shit to me before leaving this dump which he advertised to us as a ‘perfect haven for temporary city workers’. What we failed to realise was that this was code for a badly worn hidey-hole and a bedroom designed for one is to be shared by three people.

  ‘Hey Mr Chen, good to see you still know how to impress the ladies with those sexy pants on….and that vest, wow…who wouldn’t want to rip that off!’

  Mr Chen seems confused as to whether I am actually coming on to him or whether I am winding him up.

  I see Martha and Chloe trying to stifle their laughs as they push me out of the apartment and into the lifts down to the front entrance in order to prevent me saying any more ludicrous comments to Mr Chen.

  I give Martha and Chloe one last strong hug each followed by a kiss on their cheek. I am going to miss them so much. I push my rucksack on the far seat of the taxi and shut the car door. I then wave back at their gurns as I begin my journey to the airport.

  CHAPTER 30

  I desperately chase after her. I can’t let it end like this; ‘Ruby…Ruby wait…there’s been a mistake…’ she’s already making progress down the stairwell and I am struggling to keep up with her.

  I begin to admit defeat as she is much quicker than I am. I decide that there is only one thing left to do. I shout down the stairwell ‘Ruby I love you…’ I then hear the fire exit door of the building slam, it’s too late she’s gone. Distraught, I slump down on the steps in front of me and place my head in my hands.

  I then hear a voice I didn’t ever want to hear again; ‘That is the first time I have ever seen you look at a girl with more than lust in your eyes… I had thought you might eventually care for me that way but clearly it wasn’t meant to be…’

  ‘Oh fuck off Tanya’.

  She takes her gaze away from me, mutters something under her breath and continues clip-clopping down the stairs in her white platform shoes.

  She is right though, this is the first time I actually care about someone. I sit in shock for a few hours on the stairwell as to how I have got into this mess. I try to think of any way I can to get hold of Ruby and explain everything to her and how no one matters except her. I take my phone from my shorts and determinedly ring and ring. It goes to voicemail each time. I eventually leave a message;

  ‘Hi Ruby, its Ryan I know you probably don’t want to speak to me right now but I do genuinely love you and I want to see you one more time and tell you I’m sorry. Tanya means nothing to me. Please ring me back.’

  I sound pathetic and desperate but I don’t care I just need to see her beautiful face, one more time at least.

  I try to remember where she said she lived…something about being in an apartment block called Sunshine or maybe it was called Sunrise and that if you head to the rooftop you can see the harbour but not the one with the bridge… Suddenly I have a lightbulb moment…It’s got to be one of the apartment blocks in Darling Harbour! I scramble up the stairs and go back to my flat, change into a more presentable shirt and trousers, check my appearance one more time and then run out the door and flag a taxi down and begin to pray that I am travelling to the correct place.

  * * *

  After lots of praying to God, Allah, Buddha and any other religious entity I can think of I finally arrive outside the grey and menacing tower block which has the misleading and friendly name of ‘Sunshine Apartments’. I give a generous tip to the taxi driver for putting up with my erratic behaviour and for breaking all the speed limits to get me here and hope that one of the Gods I prayed to has brought me to the right place.

  ‘Good luck in getting the girl’ the driver calls out to me and he speeds off as fast as possible making me unable to make a quick getaway if necessary. As I look through the glass doors of the reception at ‘Sunshine Apartments’ I see the back of a girl with wavy blonde hair wearing a short purple sun dress heading towards the lifts up into the apartment with another girl who has short black hair. I recognise Ruby’s wavy hair instantly but she is wearing a different outfit…she must have changed. I begin to pound on the glass ‘Ruby…Ruby. It’s me Ryan, can we talk.’

  As she turns around my heart sinks a little as it isn’t Ruby, its her twin sister. I know it is her twin as Martha doesn’t have the scar that poor Ruby has. Although maybe she can help me get to Ruby.

  ‘It’s Martha, isn’t it?!’ I yell at the glass.

  She looks at me wide eyed with confusion.

  ‘My names Ryan and I know your sister Ruby. I really need to get hold of her right now…’

  Cautiously, she walks towards the glass doors and lets me in to the foyer. Once inside she gives me a well-deserved face full of venom.

  ’So you are the Ryan that has just broke my sister’s heart, I have a right mind to kick you in the bollocks for what you have just done to her.’

  I cross my legs instinctively. ‘Martha please don’t do that, let me explain what has happened…’ I go through the whole story of how I first met Ruby and up to the point of her fleeing from my arms just a few hours earlier.

  After the explanation of my tragic love life she pauses for a moment and then mutters under her breath;

  ‘And people wonder why I became a lesbian. Men are just too much hard work…’

  She then moves closer to my face and I can see the same look of strength and determination in her blue eyes as her sister and as her warm breath beats against my face as she tell me news the I didn’t want to hear.

  ‘Ryan despite your previous actions you seem like a good bloke but I am afraid she’s gone to the airport. She is going back home. Australia has given her some very high highs but also some very low lows and to be honest she is exhausted from it all. I’m sorry Ryan you’re just a little bit too late. She's gone.’

  ‘No, no, no…it can’t end like this...’ I yell to myself, in the hope that the continued repetition will release me from the nightmare of today.

  Martha then interrupts my cries of desperation by pulling out a scrumpled piece of paper from her shoulder bag and begins scrawling on it from a chewed blue biro left at the reception desk. ‘Here lover boy…this might help.’ She hands me the tattered paper which has an address of a place in Essex.

  ‘What is this for?’ I ask perplexed.

  ‘It’s our address back home in Epping Forest, its near London. If you are that madly in love with her send her a letter, she is more likely to read it than a text or online message as she won’t know it’s from you until she opens it. And knowing Ruby the curiosity will get the better of her and she will want to know how you tracked her down.’

  I give Martha a massive hug and hold on tight knowing that there is still a glimmer of hope. Eventually Martha begins to push me away.

  ‘Jeez Dude if you squeeze me any tighter I am going to burst, and you don’t want to piss my sister off any further knowing that you nearly suffocated me!’

  She sees that I don’t quite know whether she is being serious or not and she bursts out laughing.

  ‘Cheer up Ryan it isn’t the end of the world, both you and my sister will see the funny side of this one day…’

  I say my goodbyes to Martha and thank her for her help and begin the long walk to Lavender Bay to visit the only person who can help me sort out my life right now.

  It’s time to visit Mum.

  * * *


  An hour later, I finally arrive outside 14 Northcutt Avenue, Lavender Bay and I am greeted not only by the traditional white picket fence but also by the god forsaken creature that is Larry, sunbathing on the front lawn in just his white y-fronts. He has clearly been there a while as his normally pale white body is starting to turn a rather deep pink. Normally at this point I would shout out some scathing remark but I feel too hot and bothered from the long walk in the blaring sun and too emotionally drained to say anything to him except asking where Mum is.

  ‘She’s in her study…currently writing her next book… the doors unlocked so you can walk straight through…mate are you okay? Your eyes look all puffy and bloodshot….’

  I completely ignore Larry and head to Mum’s study.

  ‘Hello Ryan’ she says chirpily. ‘I could hear my darling Larry speaking to you outside. Just wait one moment as I am on the last sentence of my book, ‘How to Move on From Your Man…’

  With a final flourish of her fountain pen, she turns around from her mahogany desk in her green swivel leather chair, places her half-moon rimmed glasses on her head and stands up. She looks at me in shock.

  ‘Oh Ryan, come here, tell me exactly what has happened. You look terrible.’ I hold my Mum tight to my chest as if I am a little boy again.

  I breathe in her deep damask perfume and begin to sob. In between gulping for air and using my Mum’s top as a make do tissue, I tell her why I have become a tearful mess;

  ‘I’ve fallen in love Mum and now the girl I’m in love with has gone.’

  She takes a step back and grabs me by the arms and looks directly into my eyes with a look of fire and protectionism.

  ‘Now now Ryan you are a strong man and I don’t like to see you get upset, whatever has happened between you and this girl I am sure can be fixed, and if there is no way this romance can be fixed I highly recommend you read my book and replace every reference of ‘Man’ with ‘Woman’.