If I'd Never Known Your Love

by Georgia Bockoven

He removed the bow, a pine cone decorated with tufts of Pearl's hair and held in place with fishing line, and then the paper. Inside was an unframed photograph of Julia and Pearl sitting on the top step of the porch, Julia's arm around Pearl, Pearl leaning into her side. Underneath the photograph were three bright red, spiral-bound journals.

  David caught his breath at the'stab of emotion in his chest.

  "For when the words come back."Julia smiled."I looked at a lot of fancy leather-bound journals when I went into Redding last week, but these seemed more your style."

  "They're perfect." He heard the crunching sound of tires on gravel and felt a profound sadness, aware their time together was over. "Thank you, Julia. For everything."

  She kissed him. The touch of her lips held none of the promise that could have kept him there. When she broke the kiss and stepped away, he softly told her, "I'm going to miss you."

  "Thank you for being my friend, David. I know how hard that's been for you."

  "Maybe those Fates of your mother's will arrange for us to meet again one day."

  She shook her head. "I think once is all we're allowed."

  "I left something for you on the table at the cabin."

  She raised her eyebrows in question.

  "That wooden box I made. I took out the bad reviews and burned them. The box isn't anything special, but I've carried it around a lot of years and thought you might like it."

  David heard a car door slam. "It's time, Julia."

  "Not yet. I'll help you get—"

  "Now. I don't want to remember you standing on the road, watching me leave."

  She nodded, tears filling her eyes."Goodbye, David."

  He turned and left, the puppies following without being called. Pearl went to Julia and sat down, one haunch planted on her foot.

  "How are we going to get up tomorrow morning, knowing they won't be here?"

  Four Years, Three Hundred Sixty-four Days Missing

  Tomorrow is an anniversary, Evan. It's not one I ever wanted to celebrate. It will be five years since you left for Colombia. I dread it. I don't believe it. I feel like screaming in frustration over all the days that turned into weeks that turned into months and now years. Why aren't you home when, with the exception of a woman abducted two months ago, every other American kidnapped before and after you has been released? What did I do wrong? Why are you still there and not home with me and Shelly and Jason?

  It can't be your fault you 're still not home; it has to be mine. I'm so sorry, Evan.

  I don't know what else to do, so I'm starting over. I'm going back to Colombia after the holidays and I'm going to hire a new negotiator—not because I doubt the people who have worked so long and hard for us up to now. They've been incredible, giving everything they had to give and more. But I'm hoping someone new will bring new ideas and new contacts.

  I have to do something.

  I won't ever quit, Evan.

  I promise.

  C H A P T E R 1 4

  Julia picked up the smooth branch she'd found on her walk and tossed it into the water. Pearl bounded in after it, her remarkable retrieving skills making Julia wonder if she, too, had a little short-hair pointer in her obviously mixed genetic makeup.

  She'd had a sense of unease the past two days, blaming the unseasonable thunderstorm that had moved in and stalled over the mountains, each lightning strike in the dry timber a potential fire disaster. Calls to her mother and Shelly and Jason and then Barbara and her brother, Fred, did nothing to settle the strange feeling that something was going on that needed her attention. Before adding Harold and Mary to her list and worrying them over the unexpected call, she decided she was simply missing David and the pups even more than she'd anticipated.

  She'd been determined to stay at least another week after they'd left just to prove she could. It took three days before she accepted that her ability to endure the isolation didn't prove anything and she began packing. She and Pearl would leave in the morning, right after the new caretaker arrived.

  Pearl left the lake and stopped to shake before racing to Julia with the stick. She barked and danced in circles, letting Julia know she was ready to go again. With two teens, two kittens and the new, livelier Pearl, theirs would be an interesting household.

  Exactly what she needed.

  Julia tossed the stick back into the water. But Pearl wasn't interested anymore. She stared toward the house, the fur on her back standing on end. It took more than a minute for Julia to determine what had drawn Pearl's attention—a car headed toward them.

  They had company.

  Figuring the new caretaker had decided to arrive a day early, Julia started back to the house to meet him. She was surprised to see Harold's green Lexus pull into the driveway, instead. He got out of the car and came toward her.

  Her instant smile disappeared when she noticed the look on his face. Her heart in her throat, she demanded,

  "What's wrong?"

  "Come in the house. I have to talk to you."

  No greeting, no how are you?

  When Julia didn't move, Harold took her arm and guided her toward the house. Pearl circled them, then ran ahead, issuing a threatening growl. "It's okay, Pearl," Julia said, her voice denying her words.

  Harold ignored the threatening dog and hurried Julia inside. Pearl followed, pacing between the living room and the kitchen, warily eyeing Harold.

  "Sit down," Harold said.

  The words snapped her out of her fog. "Enough of the melodramatics, Harold. Just tell me what's going on."

  He took in a deep breath, swiped the hair off his forehead, stammered something she couldn't understand and looked at her as if she were someone to be feared. "Please, sit down."

  She did, but only because he'd said it as though it really mattered.

  "Evan—" He sat next to her and reached for her hands. "I don't know how to tell you this."

  Now she was scared. What could he possibly tell her that was worse than what she already knew? "Just say it."

  "He's coming home."

  That didn't make sense. She stood up again. "He's already home."

  "I don't know who we buried, but it wasn't Evan." He stopped to take a deep breath."He isn't dead, Julia. I just talked to him a couple of hours ago. He was at the Embassy. They were making arrangements for a flight home." He glanced at his watch."He's probably in the air right now."

  The room was spinning. If she didn't hold on to something, she was going to fall. She put her hand out and grabbed a corner of the bookshelf. Damn it, she'd never passed out in her life and she wasn't going to now.

  "Are you sure it was him?" How could it be?

  Tears spilled from Harold's eyes. "Yes."

  "How—"

  Harold laughed through the tears and shook his head. "I don't know. All I could get out of him was that he walked out of the jungle last night and that he would tell us all about it when he got home."

  "Are you absolutely sure?" She could not survive losing him twice.

  "It's him, Julia," Harold insisted. "He's alive. And he's coming home."

  Evan was coming home.

  The hope she'd let die fought for footing in her mind. The pain of so many disappointments refused to yield their hold."I want to talk to him. Why didn't you give him my number?"

  "I did. He couldn't reach you."

  "I don't understand—" But then she did. She looked at the phone, at the red light blinking on the answering machine. "I wasn't here," she said in a choked whisper. "How did he sound?"

  "Happy—ecstatic. He couldn't stop talking about you and the kids. He was like a man diving into a swimming pool after spending a lifetime in the desert."

  "Does he know that we thought he was dead?"

  "The people at the Embassy told him."

  "Does he know we only gave up when.—" She couldn't finish.

  "Aww, Julia don't do that to yourself." He gave her a helpless look. "Mary was right...

  I was going to have someone fr
om town come out here to find you, but she insisted someone you cared for had to be with you when you found out."

  She would have to remember to thank Mary. Again. For so many things.

  "She said you'd have a hundred questions and that there was no way you should drive home alone," Harold went on, filling the silence."We tried to reach Barbara, and when we couldn't, I finally managed to convince Mary she could trust me behind the wheel. I got here as fast as I could."

  Julia went to the answering machine and, with a trembling finger, pressed Play. When she heard

  Evan's voice, she let out a poignant cry of recognition and longing.

  "Julia? Are you there?" He paused. "I know I'm a little late, but I thought I'd better call to make sure you got that little black dress. I'll be home soon and we've got some major celebrating to do." Another pause, this one longer. She could hear him struggle to keep from breaking down. His longing and heartache wrenched her soul. "I love you,"

  he said softly. "I'm so sorry you had to wait all these years to hear me tell you that again."

  The room took off. Her skin tingled. Stars appeared. She reached for something to hang on to again, but this time couldn't find anything. Her legs buckled. And, for the first time in her life, Julia passed out…

  Julia came to with Pearl standing over her, growling fiercely, her teeth bared at Harold."It's okay, Pearl." She struggled to a sitting position and grabbed Pearl's collar.

  "You're going to have to do something about that dog," Harold said.

  "How long was I out?"

  "A minute, maybe two. It's a good thing you didn't hit your head or break something, because she wouldn't let me anywhere near you." He put down the blanket he'd taken off the back of the couch to try to subdue Pearl. "Is there someone you could leave her with?"

  Julia ignored him and hit the button on the answering machine. She listened to Evan's voice over and over until her mind let her accept that it really was him and that he really was coming home."I want to talk to him. Did he give you a number? Maybe I should just call the Embassy. Surely someone there would know where he is."

  Harold took a piece of paper out of his pocket and read her the number. Three phone calls later she learned that Evan was indeed already on a plane and would arrive in San Francisco in five hours— too soon for her to get there to meet him. When she told Harold, he immediately arranged for a private charter to fly Evan the final hundred miles to Sacramento.

  Calling her mother, working out the details to bring Shelly and Jason home, closing the house and stopping by the vet to pick up a muzzle and tranquilizer for Pearl kept Julia focused. On the long ride down the 15, she used Harold to ground her, throwing one question after another at him, even though he had few answers.

  The authorities in Colombia and the United States would make the arrangements to have the man she'd buried returned to Colombia. The doctor who'd made the "positive"

  identification had admitted he'd lost Evan's dental and medical records and that the death certificate was based on the personal belongings found in the grave.

  As soon as they were within range of a cell tower, Julia asked Harold for his phone.

  She hadn't bothered charging or carrying hers the months she'd been in the mountains because there wasn't any service within fifty miles of the house.

  She tapped in Barbara's home number, and when her sister didn't answer tried her cell.

  Barbara picked up on the third ring. Her heart in her throat at what she was about to do to her sister, Julia asked, "Where are you?"

  "Why?"

  "Just tell me."

  "I'm at the grocery store."

  "Leave—right now. Get in your car, but don't start it."

  "Are you okay?" Barbara asked.

  "Please," Julia begged."Just do this for me. It's important. I promise you'll understand in a minute."

  "You're scaring me."

  "No—don't be scared."

  "All right," Barbara said, switching emotional gears again. "But it better not take long.

  I have ice cream in my cart. The expensive kind."

  In the minutes it took Barbara to assure a clerk she wasn't abandoning her cart and get to her car, Julia decided it would be better to ask her favor and then tell Barbara about Evan.

  "Okay, I'm here."

  "Are you inside and sitting down?"

  "Wait a minute," Barbara said with a sigh. "This had better be good, Julia.

  "Okay, lay it on me."

  "I want you to go to Nordstrom and buy me an absolute knock-your-socks-off black dress and the sexiest black negligee you can find."

  "What?" she nearly shouted. "This is why you dragged me out of the store? Tell me again. I can't have heard you right."

  "You heard me correctly."

  "Okay, I'll bite—why am I doing this?"

  Julia took a deep breath. "Remember that note Evan wrote me when he left?"

  "Yes..."

  "He's not dead, Barbara," she somehow managed to say through the instant flood of tears. "He walked out of the jungle last night, and he's going to be home in a couple of hours."

  "Julia—where are you?"The implied question was whether she'd had a breakdown and had called from a padded hospital room."

  "In Harold's car. We're on our way home but won't be there in time for me to get the dress and get to the airport."

  "I don't understand. How can Evan be alive when we buried him eight months ago?"

  Before Julia could answer, Barbara added, "Are you sure? Are you absolutely, positively sure it's Evan?"

  "Yes," Julia told her. "I heard his voice. It's him, Barbara. He's coming home."

  "Ohmygod—" she breathed. "Ohmygod."

  Julia could hear her pounding on the steering wheel.

  "This is soooo wonderful. It's beyond wonderful. It's... it's..."

  "Some kind of miracle," Julia said.

  "It's a hundred miracles rolled into one. Oh, Julia, I'm so far beyond words happy for you." She let out a whoop and scream so loud they should have shattered the safety glass. "Do Mom and Dad know? Of course they do—you had to call Shelly and Jason.

  How are the kids taking the news?"

  "Shelly couldn't stop crying and Jason couldn't stop asking questions."

  "And Mom and Dad?"

  "Mom couldn't stop crying and Dad couldn't stop asking questions."

  Barbara laughed."Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod," she squealed. "I have never been this happy. Not even close. Not in my whole life." She squealed again. "I'm going to throw a party. For all of you. Not right away," she added quickly."In a few weeks.

  When Evan is ready."

  "The dress?"Julia prompted.

  "I'm on it— Give me a second. I'm digging for my keys."

  Now it was Julia's turn to laugh. It felt like another brick had been removed from the wall she'd built around her heart. "The ice cream?"

  "Oh, yeah. Okay, got it. I'll let the clerk know and then I'm outta here."

  Julia heard the car door open and close. Seconds later came a long, loud horn and screeching tires. "Barbara—"

  "Relax, that wasn't meant for me."

  Just the fleeting possibility that something awful could happen to another person she loved made her sick with panic. "Promise me you'll drive carefully."

  "Of course. Don't I always? Never mind—don't answer that."

  "I'm going to let you go now." Barbara needed the distraction of a cell phone like she needed another dozen kids in her kindergarten class. "If you have to reach me, use Harold's cell. My battery's shot."

  "Do I have a spending limit for this dress?"

  "The sky," Julia said. She'd worry about how to pay for it later." All I care about is that it's the next best thing to being naked." That so-o-o-o needed a modifier. "Within reason. You understand that, don't you?"

  "This is going to be so much fun. I wish you were going with me."

  "Wait for me at the house and you can help me get ready. At the moment I don't think I
could manage a garter belt, let alone buttons or zippers."

  "I'll keep easy entrance and exit in mind," Barbara said, dropping her voice. "For both you and Evan."

  For the first time in almost six years Julia felt a flush crawl up her neck and knew her pale cheeks had turned a flaming crimson.

  C H A P T E R 1 5

  Harold dropped Julia and Pearl off at her house at five-thirty and returned at seven to take her to the airport. He stepped back in surprise when she opened the door.

  "Wow," he said. "You look...that dress is.. .spectacular."

  "It's not the dress," Mary said. "It's the woman wearing it." She stepped forward to hug Julia. "You look like a million dollars."

  More like $2,836 and odd change. But Julia wouldn't have cared had it been twice that—five times, a hundred rimes. Barbara had bought the absolutely perfect little black dress. Deceptively simple, the strapless, knee-length creation clung to her best features and softly draped over those that not even jogging four miles a day could return to their ten-year-gone prime. Her shoes were two-hours-max strappy heels; her only jewelry, her wedding ring and Barbara's diamond stud earrings, which she'd insisted Julia wear.

  Julia stepped outside and turned to lock the door, but her hands were shaking so badly she couldn't fit the key into the slot.

  "Let me," Harold said. He locked the door, tested it and handed Julia the key. She tucked it into her bra.

  "Didn't want to bother with a purse," she explained. It was then she noticed a Mercedes limo in the driveway, so new it still had paper license plates. "What's this?"

  "Your ride," Mary said. "We decided that this day belongs to you and Evan."

  Mary must have worked her magic on Barbara, too, because when Julia invited her to ride to the airport with them, she'd declined, saying her absence was the first of an armload of gifts she had to give Evan. Julia glanced at Harold. There was no way he'd agreed to wait a whole day without heavy persuasion. She hugged him. "Thank you."

  He nodded. "Tell Evan—" Overcome with emotions, he caught his lower lip between his teeth. "Tell him welcome home and that we'll see him tomorrow."

  "For breakfast," Mary said. "At our house. As soon as you're up and feel like company."

  Julia hugged her, long and hard. "I owe you two so much."