Waters Fall

by Becky Doughty

  Renee. So full of life, vivacious, charming. She wanted only to love and be loved. Wasn’t there a man out there who appreciated those qualities in a woman, who would nurture her heart without taking advantage of her vulnerability? What had happened to convince Renee that short term romances and shallow indulgences were better than deep intimacy and real commitment?

  And Jo. Tough, hard-working, confident; Jo was the quintessential modern woman. Men were, to her, a necessary evil. She needed them, but did not trust them. She was attracted to them, but did not like them. As far as she was concerned, there were very few good men left in the world, and those few had already been snapped up by a few lucky women. Nora never met Jo’s ex, but he must have been cruel in his passivity.

  Sandra Madison and the ugliness behind her perfectly coiffed and manicured world. The woman’s husband obviously had something to do with her anger and bitterness. His absence was a blaring sore spot in her life. Was it like that at the beginning of their marriage, or had they once spent every waking moment together, star-crossed lovers with eyes full of hope, and hearts full of dreams for their future together? Nora pictured again how beautiful the new room looked, but how Sandra, in her bitterness, could only see the negative things, even finding fault where there was none.

  “And then there’s me, complaining about my husband needing me too much,” Nora said. “Am I like Sandra? Only seeing the negative when there’s so much good in him?” But she knew that a needy man was just as destructive to a marriage as an absent man; she’d experienced it firsthand. A man whose woman had to fight his battles for him was no better than a man who abandoned her to the fight altogether. A woman didn’t just need to be pursued; she also needed to be covered. She needed a partner, a protector, a champion. And she needed to know that her champion would fight for her.

  She thought about Tristan and his stoic acceptance of her leaving him, yet again. Yes, he’d tried to contact her, but when she didn’t return his calls or respond to him in any way, his attempts dwindled to nothing but a missed call now and then. “You never fought for me,” she whispered into the night air. “I thought you were my knight in shining armor rescuing me from the dragon’s lair, but you never picked up a sword, not once.” Tears welled up as her heart twisted inside her. She’d been swept off her feet by a fraud, by a coward, not a warrior. “You, Tristan, you were the dragon.”

  Oh, what a fool she’d been.

  As understanding washed over her, she thought of what Vicky had said. “The world has taken lust and disguised it as love. They’ve taken sex and disguised it as intimacy. They’ve taken commitment and disguised it as prison. They’ve twisted everything until it’s all inside out and then we wonder why we’re so confused about our relationships.”

  She opened up the emotions inside her and examined them for what they were. Maybe something had grown out of the self-indulgence of her lust for Tristan, out of feeding her physical reaction to him until it became something more, but only because she chose to do so, with eyes wide open. Temptation, yes. Chemistry, sure. Passion, absolutely. All extremely powerful feelings.

  But love? She shook her head slowly, her thoughts perusing another passage she’d learned from the Bible long ago; a list she was certain Vicky knew too.

  Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not jealous. Love does not brag and is not arrogant. Love does not act unbecomingly. Love is not self-serving. Love is not easily provoked. Love does not keep record of wrongs. Love does not rejoice in evil, but in truth.

  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

  Nothing about her relationship with Tristan qualified as that kind of love. Absolutely nothing. Truth be told, nothing about her behavior toward Jake qualified as love, either, except for perhaps the enduring part, but that was probably negated by her remarkable ability to keep record of his wrongs.

  A record that she’d decided entitled her to no longer be patient or kind, but arrogant, and easily provoked. A record that gave her the right to act unbecomingly and self-serving. A record that she’d turned into a weapon, one she’d wielded relentlessly in the tearing out of the heart of their marriage. A record so terribly different than any list Vicky had asked of her.

  Although admitting it brought shame that sickened and curdled her innards, Jake, on the other hand, patiently waited for her to come home, giving her the time and space she selfishly insisted on having. He’d been kind to her when she was so sick. He faithfully cared for the children and their home while she abandoned them all. He endured her terrible and unappeasable anger over his night out, he’d stepped up and gone to the pastor for counseling, because he hoped and believed their marriage could be saved. Time and time again, he’d done exactly as she’d asked—no, demanded—of him…because he truly loved her.

  Overwhelmed and a little frightened by this indisputable evidence of how wrong she’d been, both about herself, and about Jake, she muttered childishly, “He’s definitely jealous, though.”

  But then, wasn’t she giving him every reason to be? Leaving Tristan wasn’t some grand and noble gesture on her part. How on earth had she convinced herself that it was? She’d almost believed she was some glorious Isolde, denying her heart’s desire and sacrificing her lover to return to her husband, as though their affair was something honorable and eternal, good and pure….

  And all along, she’d blamed God for being standoffish. She’d blamed Jake for being needy. She’d even blamed Tristan for making her an adulteress.

  Her circumstances, her pain, her struggles, she’d made them all someone else’s fault.

  She’d been fooled by the world, blinded by her selfishness. She’d fallen for the disguise, and she’d been swept up into the duplicity and confusion that comes from trying to justify wrong, from embracing sin and denying truth.

  “Oh, Lord Jesus, what have I done?” she moaned, burying her face in her hands. “What’s to become of us?” She drew her legs up to her chest and rocked back and forth as the tears came again, pushing through her in great waves of emotion. How she longed to hear God’s voice right now, to have Him take her in His arms and comfort her, protect her, fight for her.

  No one will fight for you, a small, pouting whisper prodded her spirit. Not after all you’ve done. Not even God. And if Jake were a real man, he’d kick your sorry backside to the curb. You’ll just end up on your own again, as usual.

  Nora reached down and dashed her hand into the water, splattering the stone patio and her bare feet with cold glittering droplets, breaking the hold the voice had on her. She lifted her face, twisted by misery. “Help me. I’m so sorry. I’ve been so wrong. I’ve been so arrogant and proud. I don’t know how to fix this on my own. I need You. I need You so badly. I want to believe in You, God. Help me believe.”

  I don’t want to give up without fighting for us. The words floated into her consciousness, like a song sung over the rhythm of the water. God had given her and Jake to each other, joined them as one flesh. Why wouldn’t He speak to her now through Jake’s awkward and tender appeal?

  Will you stay and fight with me?

  36

  “Hey, Jake.” Nora ducked her head around the office door. “I’m here. Do you need any help packing?”

  “Hm?” He didn’t look up until he’d finished answering the question on the form in front of him in the best way possible. But he’d known the moment she arrived. He’d heard the kids’ voices raised in greeting, the quick footsteps of her approach to his office, her light tap on the door, and it took every ounce of concentration to stay focused on the task at hand.

  The way she said his name these days made his skin flush. Something had changed. Something had altered, either in the way he perceived it, or in the way she projected it, since that night they’d talked and prayed with the kids in Leslie’s room, and it made his pulse quicken.

  Nora crossed the room and peered over his shoulder. “What are you up to?” He smiled a little to himself at the cur
iosity in her voice.

  “Hey Nor.” He turned around in his chair and looked up at her, giving her his full attention. “Sorry. What was that?”

  “What do you have there?” She tried again to peek at the paper on his desk, but he covered it with the flat of his hand.

  “Well, aren’t you nosey?” But he winked at her so she would know he wasn’t offended. “Actually, I’m applying for a job. You know Scott, from church? Well, we were talking last Sunday, and I asked him how work was going. He started telling me how busy he was and that he was thinking about hiring an assistant in the near future because he was feeling a little overwhelmed. I told him he needed me, that I could do the job. He agreed, and asked me to fill out one of these.” He lifted his hand so she could see the application he’d just completed.

  “Is it inspections? What does he do again?” Nora propped one hip against the edge of the desk. Even the interest she showed in his work was sincere and encouraging, without an ounce of disdain. “Doesn’t he work for the county?”

  “Yeah. He’s contracted with Public Works. His company oversees the “Get Smart” programs. Get Smart About Water, Get Smart About Fire, Get Smart About Gardening, you know, all those reduce, reuse, and recycle programs. Anyway, he needs someone to monitor the presentation sites all over the county so it’s inspections of a kind. It’s a new position he’s just created so he’s starting it out part time. He thinks it will eventually go to fulltime, but for now he can guarantee me at least three days a week so far.” He laced his fingers behind his head and grinned up at her. “They have to post it publicly because it’s a public works related job, but Scott assured me it’s mine.”

  Nora’s eyes were bright with what he hoped was appreciation. “What are the presentation sites? Is that like that place at the park where they teach the community about composting and recycling and stuff?”

  “Exactly. Scott’s constructed almost thirty of them in public parks all over the county, and it’s just getting to be too many to keep track of on his own. He has a crew to do the maintenance and upkeep, but he needs help overseeing and managing the care. That’s what I’ll be doing; going from site to site making sure everything is in order. I know I’ll have to learn a little more about the whole program, but as far as I can tell, it’s mostly about teaching good sense when it comes to watering and planting and caring for your little piece of earth. I think it’ll be a good fit for me.” He studied her for a minute, toying with the pen in his hand. She looked really good, like she’d slept well. She had on a pair of shorts, an apple green V-neck top, and a pair of old school Vans in a checkerboard pattern. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and the only makeup she wore was a pale pink gloss that made him want to taste her lips.

  “What?” She smiled self-consciously and tipped her head to one side.

  He stood up and stretched, then slipped his arms around her, drawing her toward him.

  “Smooth, Jake. Really smooth,” she giggled. “The old stretchy snake move from high school.”

  “Stretchy snake? That just sounds wrong.”

  “You know what I’m talking about. At the movie theater. The guy pretends to stretch, then he casually drapes his arm around the unsuspecting girl’s shoulders. Next thing she knows, he’s snaked his arm over and is trying cop a feel.”

  “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about…but does it work?” He grinned, then dipping his head, he breathed in the smell of her hair, her skin, and gently pressed his lips against hers. “So what do you think?”

  Nora leaned back in his arms and looked up at him, a sparkle in her teasing eyes. “Of the kiss or the job?”

  Jake covered her mouth with his again, this time with more intensity, and felt the tremor of his rising pulse as she sighed against his lips. When he lifted his head, she smiled, her eyes soft, her cheeks flushed. “Now that, my husband, was amazing.”

  He grinned, pleased with himself for making her look so satisfied. “And the job?”

  “The job sounds amazing, too, Jake.” She cupped his cheek with one hand and took a deep breath. “I didn’t know you were looking for something other than inspections.”

  He didn’t let her go, but turned them so he was leaning against the desk with her facing him, standing between his legs. He let his arms relax a little around her waist, keeping his hands clasped at the curve of her low back, enjoying the way she fit tucked into him like she was. She rested her hands on his biceps, toying with the cuffs of his sleeves. Her touch sent small currents up his arms, making his scalp tingle with pleasure, and he flexed for good measure, making her eyebrows shoot up in response. He just grinned, feeling cocky and playful and on the right track.

  “I’ve been working on a few different things, trying to come up with some alternatives to doing home inspections. My license is due to be renewed this month, and it seemed a good time to consider what I’m really doing with it. I’m not yet ready to give it up all together, because I like doing inspections. But I think I have to accept that it’s more of a part time business, at least for me, because of my strengths and weaknesses.” He leaned forward and kissed the tip of her nose. “I just do better when I know where I’m supposed to be, when I’m supposed to be, and what I’m supposed to do, and I’m okay with that.”

  “I don’t know what to say,” she acknowledged. “It sounds like you’ve really processed through some things.”

  “Yeah. It’s been a big help, talking to Pastor Rob. He’s encouraged me to think outside the box, to talk to other men, get involved in guy stuff at church. The whole ‘iron sharpens iron’ thing. But it’s making me realize how much I’ve been leaning on you all these years, Nor.”

  She didn’t respond, and for a moment, he felt the usual trepidation rising up, the fear of her criticism, but he stopped his thoughts from spinning out of control with a blast from his spiritual shotgun, and continued, suddenly wanting to tell her everything in his heart. “Nora, I’ve been so wrong about you, the way I’ve had you up on a pedestal. It’s like some form of sick idolatry, because part of me always expected you to fall; almost like I’ve been waiting for it so I could point my finger at you and say, ‘See? I knew you weren’t perfect!’”

  He felt her tense, her body shifting in his arms, as though gearing up for another skirmish. “No. Don’t pull away from me. I need you to listen, to hear me out. Please.” He waited, silently willing her to stay, to trust him.

  She didn’t meet his eyes, but she nodded and relaxed her stance a little, her hands sliding over to rest against his chest. He could feel the warmth of her palms through the thin fabric of his shirt.

  “I love you, Nora. I love everything about you. But I’ve been putting you, in both good and bad ways, ahead of everything else and everyone else in my life, especially God. I don’t want to do that anymore.” He leaned forward to put his forehead against hers. “I want God to come first. It just doesn’t work any other way, does it?”

  “No. I don’t think it does.”

  He released her and leaned back so he could read her face easier. Taking her hands, he brought them both up and kissed her fingertips. “As for the job, I’m excited about it. I hate to admit this to you, because it makes me sound like a schmuck, but it’s almost as though when I finally admitted that I didn’t have to compete with you, the Lord opened doors in a whole different direction for me.”

  Nora nodded encouragingly, her voice soft, but rich with emotion. “I think the Lord opens doors all the time for us, but we have to keep our eyes open to see them and be ready to walk through them. You seem like you have your eyes open, Jake.”

  “It’s like I told you and Les the other night; I really do feel like I’m waking up.” He shrugged. “I’m seeing things differently; myself, you, the kids, our future. I want you to be proud to call me your husband, not because I’m all that and a bag of chips, as Les would say, but because I’m the man God created me to be. I know I’ve sold us all short too often. I know it’s going to be tough
to reinvent us, Nor, but I also know that’s what I want to do.” He turned her hands and held them pressed tightly to his chest again. His heart was beating hard against his sternum and he hoped she could feel it under her palms.

  “I know I’m going to fail miserably on a regular basis, and that I’ll let you down again and again.” He grimaced slightly. “But if I can convince you that my heart is yours, and that God gave you to me to love and protect, then I will have succeeded in fully waking up.”

  Tears welled up in Nora’s eyes and he was thrilled at the sight of them, no longer afraid of what they meant.

  “Oh, Jake,” she murmured, and his name on her lips was like a cool draught to his parched soul. She leaned forward and buried her face in his neck. He could feel the dampness on her cheeks. “Jake, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” She whispered again and again. “I’m so sorry. I was so wrong.”

  He wrapped his arms around her again, enfolding her like a child. He stroked her back, brushing his fingers along the soft curve of her neck, not saying anything at all. Words and emotions welled up inside of him until he thought he might burst, but he kept them in, setting aside his own feelings, wanting to be only what she needed him to be. This is how it feels to be a man, he thought. This was what it means to be a hero. Lord, teach me.

  Finally spent, Nora reached over his shoulder and grabbed a couple of tissues from the box on his desk. He waited quietly while she blew her nose and sniffed a few times, then he cupped her chin, turning her to face him. She resisted at first, but he knew it was only because she hated the way she looked when she cried.

  “I think you’re beautiful,” he said gently. “Look at me.”

  She finally lifted her glistening eyes to his, and he smiled, his heart overflowing with love for her. “I love you, Nora. I forgive you. And I need you to forgive me, too.” He put both hands on either side of her face when she tried to turn away, his thumbs brushing away the few tears that still collected in her bottom eyelashes. “I have been a rotten husband to you.”