For All The Wrong Reasons

by Brownell, Rachael

  We never should have started playing the game.

  All of this pain could have been avoided had we just accepted things for what they were.

  I was broken hearted. I’d lost Gavin.

  Quinn wanted Kara, but she wasn’t interested.

  Neither of us would have lost a piece of ourselves in the process. No one would have gotten hurt.

  Making my way quickly out of the bar and toward my SUV, I look over my shoulder one last time to make sure Quinn isn’t following me when I ram into a large body, knocking myself backward. I should have fallen to the ground. It would have been appropriate considering what I’d just done. A little physical pain to accompany my emotional pain.

  But I didn’t.

  A set of arms wrap around my body and hold me upright.

  Arms I recognize, yet they feel foreign at the same time.

  When I blink past my tears and finally look up, Gavin is smiling down at me. His smile fades when he notices the tears, and then he wipes them away with his thumbs.

  “What’s wrong, Gabs?”

  No. He’s not allowed to call me that anymore. I should say something. Tell him how it is. Instead, I open my mouth to protest, and a sob escapes. Then another and another. He pulls me in close and holds me while my body convulses in a fit of emotions, rubbing one hand up and down my back to try and soothe me.

  It doesn’t work. I’m convinced nothing will. At least, not anything he can give me.

  I want Quinn to wrap his arms around me.

  I want to hear him promising me everything will be okay.

  I want a pan of fresh-baked brownies and a glass of red wine.

  Of those three things, I can have the last one. I started stocking up on brownie mix knowing that this was going to suck worse than my breakup with Gavin and that my craving for chocolate as every meal was going to be strong.

  This afternoon I even considered making a pan so they’d be ready for me when I got home tonight. Then I realized that the stirring of the batter and the smell that fills my apartment as they bake will be just as soothing to my broken heart as eating them will be.

  Pushing out of Gavin’s arms, I wipe away the last few tears, forcing myself to stand up as tall as possible. In these shoes, we’re as close to eye level as we’re ever going to be.

  “What are you doing here?” I was certain he wouldn’t be here tonight. He hates this place.

  “I was invited. It’s Halloween. All the guys are here.”

  The way he’s avoiding looking directly at me tells me he’s lying. I shouldn’t care enough to call him out but I find the words slipping past my lips before I can stop them.

  “But you hate this place,” I state, taking a step back when he reaches for me.

  “I hate to see you cry, Gabs. Talk to me,” he replies, attempting to change the subject.

  But I don’t want to talk to Gavin. Not about this. Not at all.

  “Goodbye, Gavin,” I stay, stepping around him. It’s more than just a see you later, and we both know it. I’m cutting all ties. Letting him go completely. Something I should have done months ago but didn’t have the strength to do.

  Which is probably the reason I let Quinn talk me into this delusional plan to begin with.

  But that ends now.

  I’m going to come out the other side of this situation stronger than I was before. I’m going to learn from it. Grow as a person. Become independent.

  Starting tomorrow. Because right now, I deserve a brownie.

  Tomorrow turned into three days. Then five.

  Not just one pan of brownies but two. Three bottles of red wine. Twenty-seven missed texts. Eighteen voicemails. Three attempts to beat down my door.

  And that’s just when it comes to Quinn.

  If you include Jade and Nathan, those numbers easily double. What I didn’t account for in my plan to lock myself away in my apartment was the fact I gave Jade a key in case of emergencies.

  Apparently she considers this an emergency. Otherwise she wouldn’t have let herself in my apartment before sunrise and sat on the edge of my bed waiting for me to wake up, effectively scaring the shit out of me.

  I screamed, grabbed my head which was pounding from the entire bottle of wine I drank the night before, and then fell out of bed. Jade found this hilarious. Of course she did. She wasn’t the one on the floor, tangled in a sheet, feeling like her head is going to explode at any given moment.

  “Why are we friends again?” I ask as she slides a steaming mug of coffee toward me only to pull it back at the last second, bring it to her lips, and take a sip.

  “Because you love me. Because you know I’m only here to help.”

  “I don’t need help. I didn’t ask for help. Nothing’s wrong. And if you were a true friend, you’d be sharing coffee with me, not withholding it.” I glare at her when her only response is a sinister smile.

  “I’ll give you a cup of coffee when you admit you need my help.”

  “Help with what?”

  “Getting over your broken heart.”

  “My heart’s not broken. You knew it was the plan all along to break up. It’s not like I didn’t know it was coming. Hell, I’m the one that broke up with him. I’m fine.” Each word is punctuated to make a statement. To prove to her that I’m better than fine. I’m strong.

  If only my voice had cooperated and not made me sound as weak and vulnerable as I feel.

  “Denial. That’s good. Stage one. Let’s move this along, shall we?”

  “I’m not in denial!”

  “No coffee for you.”

  “Fine,” I relent, not wanting to play her game anymore. But more than anything, I need caffeine if she’s going to force me to have this conversation. “I’m not okay, but I’m also not ready to talk about it.”

  “Stage two is anger, not depression. You can’t skip ahead, Gabs. That’s not how this works.” Jade is entirely too serious about helping walk me through the stages of grief. Especially this early in the morning.

  “Shouldn’t I still be working on stage one?”

  “If I let you live in denial, what kind of friend would I be? So get angry. Let’s move on. You lost him. You fucked up. You two made a huge mistake, and now you’re both miserable.”

  He’s miserable? Why is he miserable? He has Kara.

  Sure, he tried to contact me after the breakup. His constant calls and texts were no match for the hour he spent outside the front door begging me to open it, but in all honesty, I assumed he was only checking to make sure I was okay. That by avoiding him, I made him worry about me.

  Still, at the end of the day, he should be happy. He got what he wanted out of the deal. Her. The little vixen that seemed unobtainable until we opened her eyes. Being with Kara was his ultimate goal.

  “You look sad,” Jade notes, placing her hand on my shoulder. “You have two more stages to go through before you get to depression, Gabby. Pay attention. We’re working through your anger right now.”

  And that’s how my morning goes.

  And my afternoon.

  And most of the evening.

  Jade refuses to leave until I had experienced and dealt with every stage of my loss. And when she gets her mind wrapped around something, she doesn’t let it go. I moved through those stages so fast my head was spinning.

  If I’m being honest with myself, acceptance was the hardest stage. That’s probably why it’s the last. And I’m pretty sure I haven’t fully accepted what happened yet, but I’m on my way. I tell Jade I have, of course. It’s the only way to get her to leave.

  And there is something I have to do before I can fully accept that Quinn and I are no longer together, whether our relationship had been real or not. Because at the end of the day, it felt real, and that’s all that matters.

  I need to see him. To talk to him. To apologize to him and try to make amends.

  I want my friend back.

  So as soon as Jade leaves, I quickly clean myself up and head across campus
to the house Quinn shares with Kara and Tess. As much as I don’t want to apologize to Kara, I owe her at least that. I’m sure I embarrassed her on Halloween and whatever our little plan had been, it had not been to hurt other people.

  Pulling up out front, I notice only one light on in the house. Hopefully it’s Quinn who’s still awake and watching a movie in the living room. Alone.

  Knocking lightly on the front door, I wait patiently for footsteps to approach. A few minutes pass so I knock again. The door eventually opens revealing Tess, her hair a mess, glasses being used as a headband, and a piece of licorice hanging out of her mouth.

  “Hey,” I say when she makes no move to open the screen door that separates us.

  “What do you want?”

  “I’d like to talk to Quinn.”

  She seems to think it over for a minute before letting me in.

  “He’s probably in his room,” she states, pulling her glasses back into place and settling in on the couch, returning her attention to her laptop without another word. I hear her tapping the keys on her keyboard before my foot hits the bottom step of the staircase.

  Quinn’s door is slightly ajar, but the light is off. Peeking my head inside, I instantly regret coming over to talk to him.

  I should have waited until I saw him on campus.

  We should have talked on mutual ground.

  Because if we had, if I’d listened to my gut, I wouldn’t have just found him in bed with Kara, and my heart wouldn’t have shattered in my chest all over again.

  Chapter Thirty

  GABRIELLE

  Five months later

  * * *

  “I wish you would reconsider. It’s been months, Gabs. You’re going to have to deal with this eventually.”

  Jade’s spent the better part of the last hour attempting to convince me to have lunch with her and Nathan tomorrow. I’ve skipped every Friday lunch date since finding Quinn in bed with Kara. I’ve avoided saying his name or talking about anything since that day.

  At first, Jade let it all slide. She let me grieve the loss of Quinn, both as my friend and as . . . well, whatever he became after our failed experiment. And I thought she was going to continue to let me until today. I should have known something was up when she called.

  Every Sunday at exactly three o’clock in the afternoon, my phone rings. It’s Jade checking on me.

  Every Tuesday night, we meet halfway and have a drink. Girl time as we’ve been calling it. We talk about our upcoming graduation plans, our frustrations with school, and we’ve been planning a getaway in early May.

  We don’t talk about Quinn or how he’s doing. I don’t ask about him even though I want to, and I know she’s seen him.

  We don’t talk about what happened. I still haven’t told her I found him in bed with Kara. There have been a few moments when I thought I might feel better if I just got it off my chest, confessed what I saw, but then I talk myself out of it. The last thing I want to do is ruin their friendship or put her in the middle of all this. More than she already is anyway.

  So I keep quiet. I guide the conversation to safe topics. I listen as she bitches about her professors, her projects, and the failed dates she’s been on. I share my own frustrations with school, with Gavin and his insistence that we find a way to be friends even though I’ve been completely honest with him about how I feel, and my fears of failure after graduation.

  That’s what sparked the idea to get away.

  We’re both stressed out. A weekend away will be the perfect way to unwind.

  After taking Jade off speaker, I press my phone to my ear as I lock my apartment door behind me. “You’re right. I am going to have to deal with it eventually, but that day hasn’t come yet. Have fun at lunch and tell Nathan I said hi. I have to let you go. I’m running late for class.”

  A lie. I’ve been lying to everyone around me and to myself constantly. Class doesn’t begin for another hour, but this conversation is entering dangerous territory, and I need to end it before my emotions get the best of me.

  “Fine, but this conversation isn’t over.” I figured as much. Jade has always been relentless. It’s what I love about her as long as that determination is pointed away from me. “I’ll talk to you on Sunday.”

  She’s gone before I can say anything else. Even though I couldn’t hear anything but concern in her voice, I know she’s upset with me. Irritated that I refuse to give in to her request.

  I’m okay with that because she may not understand where I’m coming from or what I’m going through, but she’ll forgive me eventually. That’s what friends do. And this shitstorm has brought us closer.

  Navigating my way across campus, I follow the same path I have since the start of the semester, falling in step with the crowd of people around me for cover. I’ve taken every precaution to blend in around here. Not knowing what Quinn’s schedule would be like, I keep to the outskirts of campus, talking the long way between classes. I always walk amongst a crowd of people when possible. I’ve even taken to wearing my hair differently.

  Well, not that differently.

  Instead of letting it flow freely or in a loose ponytail, I keep it braided or pulled up in a messy bun while on campus. Not that he wouldn’t be able to recognize me from a distance. I’d still be able to spot him in a crowd.

  “Gabby,” a deep male voice calls from behind me.

  Fuck. Why won’t he give up?

  Stepping to the side of the path so as to not slow down traffic, I stop and wait for him to catch up to me. He’s jogging at a steady pace and reaches me in seconds.

  “Hey,” he begins, his breathing slightly ragged.

  “Hey, Gavin. What do you want?”

  I didn’t mean for my words to sound so harsh, but I’ve been trying to avoid him since I found out he stopped seeing the little skank he replaced me with last week. It was safe to talk to him, even though I didn’t want to, when he was involved with someone else. In my mind, he was only trying to be a friend. Now that she’s no longer in the picture, it makes me wonder why he’s still hanging around.

  “Someone’s moody today,” he jokes, grinning at me. “I wanted to see if you would be up for getting out of your apartment tomorrow night. We’re hosting one last party of the year, and I thought you might like to come. It’ll be the last frat party of our college years.”

  “No thanks,” I quickly answer.

  Turning away from him, I’m about to walk away when he steps up next to me. If I leave, he’s going to follow me. There’s no doubt in my mind.

  “Don’t be like that. It won’t be the same without you. I remember the first party you came to. I was on grunt duty and stuck in the kitchen watching the booze. You were nice enough to keep me company.”

  “Only because you kept my cup full.” I wasn’t interested in Gavin that night. All I wanted was the alcohol, and he was the one standing between me and getting wasted. I’d had a bad week and was walking by the frat house after spending six hours at the library. There were tons of people on the lawn, the music was loud, and it offered exactly what I needed at the time.

  A way to relax. A way to escape the stress of my first semester of college, even if only for a little while.

  I didn’t expect to meet someone. Or to start a relationship. Or even to stay past one drink, let alone the night.

  “Listen, Gavin. As much fun as that sounds, I have finals to study for this weekend. I’m sure if you apologized to whats-her-name she’d be happy to go with you.”

  I knew her name, but I didn’t want to acknowledge the dirty slut he replaced me with. Not that I’m bitter about our breakup anymore, because I’m not. In fact, it’s probably the best thing that could have happened.

  “I broke up with her because college is over and she’s not marriage material.”

  “That’s the same reason you broke up with me,” I practically scream at him.

  “No, that was different,” he replies defensively.

  “No, it’
s really not. You said we were headed down different paths. That we wanted different things out of life,” I state firmly, throwing his words back in his face. The same words he used when he apologetically broke my heart.

  Gavin comes to an abrupt halt, but my feet never falter. I keep going, my eyes glued to the building in front of me. My destination. My sanctuary for the moment. The only place I’d rather be aside from my apartment.

  And that’s how Gavin and I end things.

  He doesn’t try to contact me again. It finally clicked for him that he screwed up any chance he had with me. I even heard he was trying to get back together with the skank.

  “I can’t believe we’re graduates!” Jade screams as she runs toward me.

  It’s been a week since graduation, and it still doesn’t seem real. Everything I’ve worked for these last four years has been achieved. I graduated with honors, have three interviews next week, all potential dream jobs, and I’m about to spend the weekend with my best friend in the one place that means the most to both of us.

  Jade throws her arms around me and wraps me in a hug as the captain announces the final boarding call.

  “We need to hurry or the ferry will leave without us,” I say, pulling the strap of my bag higher on my shoulder.

  “They wouldn’t dare,” Jade replies, feigning astonishment.

  Rolling my eyes, I link arms with her, and we make our way across the nearly empty parking lot to catch the one boat headed to the island this time of year. It’s still considered the off-season. Tourists will begin flocking in a few weeks, but for now, we will practically have the place to ourselves.

  Aside from all the employees getting things ready for the upcoming season, there will be island residents and a few early birds like us. People who wanted to beat the crowds and see the island. People who aren’t afraid of the cooler temps. People who are crazy enough to ride the ferry across the lake when it’s only fifty degrees out, the wind making it feel barely above freezing.