I hooked my arm around Trex’s and pulled him a few feet away. “What do you mean ‘your people’?”
He answered with apology in his voice. “My team stayed behind so I could keep you guys updated here and they could keep an eye on the situation on the mountain. That’s all I can tell you, Darby, I’m sorry.”
“I know,” I said, shaking my head. “I just…Zeke’s still out there.”
“I know. Trust me, they’re pulling out the big guns.”
“You’re okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. Yeah, honey, I’m fine. How are you feeling? Have you had dinner?” I thought for a minute, and he frowned.
“With everything happening, I just forgot. I’m just glad you’re back. When you didn’t show up at the regular time, I got worried.”
“I called,” Trex said, surprised. He glanced at the front desk. “Lane answered. She said you were busy. I told her to tell you I’d be late.”
I turned, seeing Lane smiling at Trex, but that smile vanished the second she realized she was caught. “She must have forgotten to tell me.”
He kissed my forehead. “I’m sorry I made you worry, baby. I should’ve known better than to trust her to tell you.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said, glaring at Lane. I smiled when I returned my gaze to Trex. “Are you staying?”
“Yeah. C’mon, let’s get you something to eat.”
While we poked through the refrigerator in the back of the breakfast room, the officials called another meeting. The lobby was nearly empty for half an hour, and I sat on the sofa, letting Lane handle the front desk.
“Feeling better?” Trex asked.
“I’m fine. Have you heard anything?”
He looked down. “Sometimes I wish you wouldn’t ask me things, Darby. It would make things a lot easier on me.”
“I’m sorry. Normally I wouldn’t, but Zeke is out there. I have to know,” I said.
He laced his fingers between mine. “We haven’t heard any radio communication from the smaller group since six. Their last radio call said they were deploying their fire shelters.”
I instantly teared up, twitching my nose when it suddenly felt on fire. My throat tightened, and as hard as I tried not to cry, twin streams ran down my cheeks. “Who’s in the smaller group?”
The meeting room door opened, and everyone who was crammed in the small space filed out, walking across the room to crowd around the flat-screen.
Trex kept his voice low. “Don’t say anything. Only the higher-ups know right now, and it would be extremely difficult for me to explain how I know.”
I held my knuckle to my nose and nodded, waiting for his answer. Ellison was standing feet away, and I didn’t want her to see me cry.
“Taylor Maddox; the Aussies, Liam and Jack; Jew…and Zeke. Zeke was the farthest out. The others ran to warn him, and then they had to get clear. It’s rough terrain, and that slowed them down. Their last communication was…” He swallowed. “It was intense, Darby. I hope they’re okay.”
I pressed my trembling lips together, nodding. I wiped my face quickly, and we walked closer to the others around the television.
A woman reporter appeared on the flat-screen looking somber. She was standing in front of tall grass and burning trees, holding a microphone in both hands.
“No no no no no,” I whispered. “Please Jesus, keep them safe.”
Ellison sat next to me on the couch, covering her mouth with her hands.
“Turn that up!” someone called from behind us.
I scrambled for the remote and pressed on the volume until it was at maximum level.
“The last reported communication with the Estes Park crew was at six o’clock this evening right about the time the two main fires converged. They’ve reportedly deployed their fire shelters.”
Ellison stood, looking lost. I grabbed a tissue out of the box on the coffee table and handed it to her. Ellison wiped her cheeks quickly, snapping out of it.
“They’re okay,” Lloyd said, patting Ellison’s arm.
“Ellie!” A woman with an apron around her waist ran into the lobby, looking panicked and wild-eyed. Ellison hugged her. “I just heard,” she said, breathing hard. “Any news?”
Ellison shook her head, wiping her nose with the tissue I’d given her. “Nothing. We arrived just after seven. Tyler drove like a maniac. He’s out there with the crews looking for them.”
The waitress hugged her again.
Trex leaned into my ear. “That’s Falyn, Taylor’s girlfriend.”
Ellison and Falyn sat on the couch, teary-eyed and holding on to each other for support.
As the hours passed, I took care of them to keep my mind busy, even though I got several dirty looks from Trex and Stavros. The hotel was at capacity, and most staying there were waiting in the lobby for news, but as the night wore on, the chatter turned to whispers, and the calls stopped coming. The crowd around the television thinned, but I stayed with Ellison and Falyn on the couch, losing hope with each update from Trex.
Trex put away his phone, dark circles under his eyes.
“Anything?” Ellison asked.
“Just that no bodies have been found,” Trex said. When Ellison covered her face in frustration, Trex sat next to her on the arm of the chair. “That’s a very good thing, Ellie. That means they found a way out. No bodies mean movement. Movement is life.”
“I hope you’re right,” she said through her hands.
“The helos are up with spotlights, but the smoke is making it difficult to see.” He looked down at me, the skin around his eyes tight. “I’ll call them again in ten minutes. I’ll let you know the second I hear anything.”
He gently took my arm and brought me with him, whispering in my ear. “Tyler’s rescue team is on their way back. The smaller group isn’t with them. I didn’t want to be the one to tell Ellie and Falyn, but…it’s not looking good. I’m going to head back to work soon. I’ll try to get clearance to do our own search.”
I closed my eyes, tears pushing down my cheeks.
“You’ll be off soon. You should get some rest.”
“I’m fine,” I said, turning to the doors as they swept open.
For a second, Falyn was hopeful. For a second, she thought the man walking in was Taylor Maddox, but his twin, Tyler, removed his hard hat, covered head to toe with soot except for twin streaks down his cheeks. Ellison ran to Tyler, throwing her arms around him and crying.
“We didn’t find him. I can’t find him, Ellie,” Tyler choked out.
“No!” Falyn cried.
Tyler walked over to her, pulling her into his arms. He whispered in her ear, and she shook her head, her knees giving way. Tyler held her there, standing sturdy and strong.
Stavros came over holding a tray full of coffee, water, and one milk. “Guess who the milk is for?” I offered a tired smile and took it off the tray. “Go ahead. Get some rest. I’ll do the morning audit.”
“You’re sure?” I asked.
He nodded, taking the tray to the coffee table.
I touched Trex’s arm. “You haven’t slept. At least try to take a nap before you go. Come with me.”
Trex watched Tyler help Falyn to the couch, and then he took my hand, leading me past the check-in desk and down the hall to my room. He didn’t talk as he untied his boots and peeled off his shirt and pants. I undressed and slipped a nightshirt over my head, pulling Trex by the hand into my bed. We settled in, holding each other tight. My head fit perfectly under his chin, my lip grazing his collarbone.
I was tired, but my brain wouldn’t stop running scenarios, both best and worst. I prayed, I begged God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost to keep them safe. Then I decided to start thanking him for keeping them safe. He would. I believed it. No matter how many frightening thoughts passed through my mind, none of them were of Zeke or the others dead. Hurt, maybe. A few burns, but I imagined them huddling together to ward off the cold, in a cave somewhere, just beyond the reach of the f
ire. They were walking to fire camp at this moment, dirty, tired, but happy to be alive, all under the Lord’s protection.
“Darby?” Trex whispered. “You okay? I worry about all the stress you’ve been under.”
“Zeke is okay, I know it.”
He kissed my hair, his warm skin against mine. Even with the AC blowing on high, the parts of our skin that touched were instantly slick with sweat, an acceptable trade for finally being able to be held by him after so many hours feet from each other. “When is your next doctor’s appointment?”
“Next month.”
“Would it be weird if I wanted to go?”
I couldn’t help but smile. “We’ll see. I’m not sure how to explain who you are. They’ll assume you’re the father.”
“So, let them assume. Why does anyone need to know any different?”
I lifted my head. “Because we haven’t known each other long enough.”
“No one needs to know that, either. And it happens all the time. My cousin Christopher was the product of a one-night stand. My aunt had him when she was nineteen.”
I frowned. “That’s what you propose we tell people? That this baby is a product of a one-night stand?”
“I’m not saying we should go out of our way to tell everyone I’m the father. I’m just saying I’m okay to let them assume if they want. That way you don’t have to explain.”
I laid my head down and sighed. “Maybe.” Trex was quiet, prompting me to say more. “I’m just starting to get me back. It’s not a simple thing to explain. Shawn took more than I gave him.” I touched my stomach. “And now I’m here.”
“With me.”
“And a baby…I’m a mother.” It had just hit me. I was someone’s mother. I was a mess. How did God choose this? It didn’t make any sense.
“You know now that you’re tough enough to do what needs to be done, even if it’s hard and terrifying. You’re fearless. You walked away from a man who tried to own you instead of loving you. I’m sure the girl you were was great, but I’m in love with this one. The one whose eyes fill with fire a little more each day.”
“You make me sound like a superhero.”
He hugged me to him. “You’re mine. And for the record, I don’t care that we met less than sixty days ago. If everything that happened before hadn’t happened, and I was the one who’d helped you make that baby the same night I’d met you, I’d be right here, just like this, just as happy to be holding you both as I am right now.”
I closed my eyes, hoping he wouldn’t notice the tear that had pooled in the corner of my eye, and was now dripping off the tip of my nose. “I’m not fearless. Since the day I walked out of that church, I haven’t really had time to do anything but tread water. I haven’t had time to really think about anything except how scary it’s been and feeling sorry for myself. I’ve fantasized about starting over, doing things differently. I’ve wished this baby away, and in a way wished you away, because I would have neither of you if I had left Shawn when I should have. That’s not a superhero. That’s not brave. It’s selfish.”
“Why are you so much harder on yourself than you are anyone else? You don’t think every woman in your situation has felt the same? It’s okay to want things to be a little easier. It’s okay to want things to be different. You’ve been through a lot, Darby.”
“I have to be better. I have to make it up to Bean for ever having the thoughts that I did. This baby deserves a mom who makes good decisions, who thinks about things and doesn’t just feel them.”
“So, what you’re saying is you’re feeling things,” he said, only half joking.
“Yes.”
“I call that progress,” he said, resting his cheek against my temple. His phone chimed. He glanced at it and sighed. “They found them.”
I sat up. “They’re okay?”
“They’re okay and headed back now.”
I collapsed onto his chest. “Thank God.”
“Thank the helitack. They spotted them walking back to fire camp. Their comms were damaged.”
I sat up and looked into his eyes. “How can you hear that they survived and not think God had anything to do with it?”
He hesitated.
“Say it,” I said.
“I don’t want this to become a source of contention.”
“I want to understand you.”
He held his breath as he decided whether to answer. “If they didn’t make it, would you have blamed god?”
“Blame him? No.”
“Is it god’s fault they were separated?”
“Of course not.”
“Then why does he get the credit for saving them? If they would have died, you would have prayed for them and their families. It would have all been in god’s plan, right?”
“Right,” I said immediately.
“I can’t worship a god who plans for good men like that to die. Or plans for childhood cancer. Or tsunamis, or pedophiles. That’s not a good plan.”
“We just don’t understand it.”
“I do.” He touched my stomach. “I plan for this baby to be healthy, and live a long, happy life. Anything he or she needs to know, I’ll do my best to teach instead of giving him or her cancer to prove a point. If this baby was sick, and I could heal him or her, I would. If a pedophile was in my house, abusing her, I would stop it. Wouldn’t you?”
I twisted my face into disgust. “Of course.”
“Then we’re already more moral than your god.”
I frowned. “Don’t say that.”
He let his head rest against the pillow. “See? I can’t win. I explain, and I’m guilty of talking you out of your beliefs. I’m okay with your beliefs. We don’t have to talk about mine.”
“You don’t have any.”
“That’s not true. I believe in science. I believe in love and equality. Doing no harm but taking no shit. I believe in helping who I can, and not hurting those I can’t. I believe in duty, sacrifice, and loyalty.”
“Those are all good things,” I said.
“I want you to have something you believe in. I don’t think less of you because of it because I want you to feel the same about me and my beliefs.”
“Okay,” I said, nodding against his chest.
“Okay?” he asked, surprised.
I pressed my lips against his skin, letting them linger for a moment. I laughed once. “As if we didn’t have enough working against us…I fall in love with an atheist.”
He didn’t move. For several seconds, he didn’t even breathe. “You love me?”
I sat up, looking him in the eyes. I was too chicken to say anything else, so I simply nodded.
He took my cheeks in his hands and sat up, his mouth on mine. I covered his hands with my own, letting myself feel the emotion he was conveying with his lips. He’d needed the acceptance I’d just shown him for longer than I’d known him, from someone other than me. He didn’t say it, but I could feel his relief when he settled back against the mattress and wrapped me in his arms.
“Thank you,” he whispered, his body relaxing.
Chapter Twenty
Trex
Double-sided tape was the perfect solution to fasten the poster-board fireplace Darby had drawn. Once it was up, I crawled back, sitting next to Darby on the floor at the end of her bed. She handed me a mug of hot cocoa.
“It’s perfect,” she said, touching the barely-there bump poking out from the oversized T-shirt she was using as a nightgown. She touched her belly every time she thought of Bean, which was a lot.
“This looks good on you. You should keep it,” I said, referring to the shirt. Just when I thought she couldn’t be more beautiful, she started wearing my shirts. Her bare, toned legs poked out of a heather-gray FBI tee that fit nicely over her growing middle.
“Thanks, I think I will. And thanks for grabbing the tape on your way home. And for my art supplies.”
“Best boyfriend ever?”
She nodded once, then took a
sip from her mug. “You are, actually.”
I smiled. Darby was good at holding back and not getting too carried away, but as the temperature cooled, she was warming up to the idea of us. She hadn’t yet let me accompany her to a doctor’s visit, but she’d at least let me drive her and we’d finally gotten tested at her last appointment. The more patience I showed, the more she trusted me.
The fire outside Colorado Springs had been controlled for nine weeks. The plume that had been a fixture on the summer horizon was gone, the haze in the sky that had veiled the mountains had dissipated. The ash and stench of smoke were gone, too, replaced by a subtle briskness in the air. Darby talked a lot about the leaves changing, snow, and a trip into the mountains, while I held my mug and listened. I savored the few hours we had between the time I got back from work and when she’d have to clock in at ten forty-five. By Friday, I was usually exhausted, but the growing baby gave us both a perfect excuse to catch up on sleep on the weekends.
She sat back, looking up at the ceiling. “So…I have an appointment coming up. Another ultrasound. I can find out if Bean is a girl or a boy. I’m not sure if I want to know. Would you? Want to know?”
“Hell yeah, I wanna know.”
She laughed, but her smile vanished. I worried I’d said the wrong thing until she spoke again. “Did you still…you know…wanna go?”
“Do you even have to ask?”
She looked at the pretend fireplace. “You’d have to take off work, so if you can’t—”
“I’ve done it before. You know I don’t mind. Just tell me when.”
“Tuesday at ten.”
“Done.”
Her award-winning smile stretched across her face, and she relaxed against my shoulder, taking a deep breath. I hesitated for maybe two seconds before I decided it was time to tell her more good news.
“So,” I began, “I found a place.”
“Oh yeah?” she said, sitting up again. She blew the steam away from her mug and took another sip, her eyes round with excitement.
“It’s a little big, but I’m thinking long run, so just…have an open mind.”
From Here to You Page 23