The Good Life

by Beau, Jodie

  I have set up a separate account to cover your legal fees. Go ahead and hire a lawyer, and have them contact my lawyer to discuss the information on the documents. Have them send all bills to my office.

  I have booked a room at The W for a week. I’m hoping to have a new place within that time frame. If you are on board with selling the condo, you might want to make that your goal as well.

  Don’t hesitate to contact me via phone or email if you have any further questions or concerns. Enjoy the rest of your time in the Hamptons. We’ll be in touch soon.

  Both Hope and I were quiet for a few moments after I finished reading the email out loud. My thoughts were flying around inside my head like a bunch of balls being juggled by a circus clown. Bora Bora! Happy face. Establish a career. Scared face. Sell condo. No, not my beloved condo. Find lawyer. Move out. IN A WEEK? I need a new luggage set. Bora Bora! Sad face. Why would he even mention that just to take it away? Start over. What the hell am I going to do? Scared-as-hell face. A WEEK? Is this what ADHD feels like? Do I need Ritalin?

  Hope finally broke the silence and my panic-attack-in-the-making when she started laughing. She was pretty loud. I looked around to make sure no one was staring at us before I remembered I wasn’t supposed to care anymore.

  “I’m glad you’re finding my crisis entertaining,” I spat out.

  “Lighten up, Rox,” she said with a smile.

  “I’m pretty sure he told me I have to move out within the week. Where is the light?”

  “He thinks you’re his employee!” she said between giggles.

  I didn’t say anything. I just glared at her across the table.

  “You deserve a vacation,” she mocked. “Don’t hesitate to email if you have any further questions. That guy is a real piece of work. It’s hysterical!”

  She was right. His email sounded like he was talking to a business client, not his wife! That’s what I was to him, wasn’t I? When I’d called myself a Trophy Wife in the past, I’d always thought of it as a cutesy term. It wasn’t until I read the email that I realized it wasn’t cute at all for your husband to think of you as an employee or business prospect. All this time I’d thought he loved me, but I was just his maid, his cook, his personal assistant and his call girl!

  “Open up that document so we can get a look at these numbers,” Hope said.

  Oh yeah. I’d forgotten about that attachment. I clicked a button on my Blackberry to open the document. Hope and I put our heads together from opposite ends of the table and both watched and waited while the hourglass spun around and around and then, finally, the document opened. It was a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo, so I scanned quickly looking for numbers.

  It was right about the same time when we both saw it, the “offer,” so to speak. Her mouth was hanging open in shock. My eyeballs probably looked like they were about to fall out of my head and onto the table. No, no that can’t be right. There must be a mistake!

  Hope ordered a bottle of red wine while I tried to remain composed, even though my world was crumbling around my feet like the debris following a natural disaster. But this wasn’t a hurricane, tornado or earthquake. This was just my greedy, arrogant bastard of a soon-to-be ex-husband ruining my life!

  Breathe in, breathe out. Slowly. Blow it out like cigarette smoke. Try not to hyperventilate. Feel your body relax with every breath.

  I had seen a hypnotist in my quest to quit smoking, and I tried to practice the calming techniques she taught me. I also tried to channel my inner yogi, whatever it took to get my composure back, so I could figure out what the hell I was going to do with that.

  I felt dizzy and sick again. Was it possible for someone to have two panic attacks in the same day? I prayed the waiter hurried with the wine. And if he brought a shot of tequila with him, too, that’d be great.

  The waiter arrived and I tried to stop the restaurant from spinning while he opened the wine bottle and poured us each a glass. I kind of heard Hope order a few appetizers, but her voice sounded like I was hearing it from under water. I wasn’t at all hungry, either. At least not for food. More so for revenge.

  “Let’s not panic,” she said.

  I looked at her and blinked a few times, trying to make her less blurry. I must have had tears in my eyes. I took a drink of my wine. A big drink.

  “We now know,” she said slowly, “without a doubt, that he is a complete ass, and this divorce is the best thing for you.”

  I now agreed with her that this was for the best because the only way I could imagine putting my arms around Caleb again would be if I were squeezing every last bit of life out of him.

  She had my Blackberry in her hand and was reading over the documents as she spoke. “He is giving you half of his 401k. It’s not much.”

  I reached down into my beach bag and pulled out my trusty notebook and pen to take some notes as she continued. “He’s paying for your health insurance for two years, so that’s good.”

  Bless his heart, I thought, in that snide insulting way I’d picked up when I was going to school in North Carolina. In my notebook I wrote Access to Drugs.

  “He’s paying all of your legal fees, including transportation to and from consultations and court proceedings, and he’s offering to pay a quarter of the tuition costs if you choose to go back to school.”

  I wrote Apply at Columbia and NYU in the notebook. If he was paying then I should go to the most expensive school around, right? Oh, wait, I had to pay the other 75%. I scratched out Columbia and NYU and wrote CUNY or Berkeley.

  “That’s all the good stuff.” She stopped and took a big drink of wine, and I did the same. “Now for the bad stuff.”

  I closed my eyes. I knew what was coming.

  “Half the costs to maintain the condo will come out of your monthly maintenance until it is sold or rented.”

  I nodded.

  “Which is total bullshit,” she said, “because it doesn’t look like you’re getting half of his monthly income. Definitely ask your lawyer about that.”

  I nodded again.

  “And half of the credit card debt is your responsibility, too. Forty thousand dollars, Roxie? And that’s only half? How the hell?”

  I shrugged. I’d developed expensive tastes throughout the years – hair salons, pedicures, spas, shoes, handbags, 7 For All Mankind and Citizens of Humanity jeans – that stuff all adds up and so do the payments. I wouldn’t have racked up that much in credit card debt if I knew my husband was planning a divorce, but there was no point in crying over it now. I was lucky he was going to cover the other half.

  “And the maintenance. I don’t know if he’s hiding money or if he just doesn’t make as much as we thought, but it’s a pretty small amount.”

  “Yeah, I got that.”

  The waiter dropped off our appetizers and Hope ordered entrees for both of us. I was glad she was here. It felt good to have someone taking care of me for a change. I guess that part had been missing from my marriage because I couldn’t remember Caleb ever making me feel like I was taken care of. He kind of ordered me around a bit, but he never made sure I was eating. I wasn’t hungry, but I would go ahead and eat a few stuffed mushrooms to make her happy since she actually seemed to care.

  “So the way I see it,” she said between bites, “you can move to another borough, look for someone who has a room for rent and use the 401k money to prepay for an apartment for as long as you can afford, maybe a year, depending on the neighborhood. You can get student loans to enroll in grad school, use your alimony to pay your credit card bills and utilities and serve drinks at night for spending money. I know Wes would hire you back.”

  “But what would I do when the prepaid lease was over?”

  “Hopefully by then the condo would be sold and you’d have more money.”

  “And I can’t work in the Financial District,” I said while shaking my head furiously. “What if one of Caleb’s coworkers came into the bar? Or even worse, one of the wives. I would be mortified! I can’
t be the new laughing stock of the firm.”

  We munched on our appetizers in silence for a few minutes while we thought of a plan. It probably seems petty that I was basing my future life choices on the chance of running into one of about fifty people in a city of eight million, especially since I wasn’t supposed to care what they thought of me anymore. But, well, I was and I did.

  Just the thought of one of those horrible, wretched women coming into a bar where I was working to laugh at me and then stiff me on a tip was too much to bear. They’d run home and laugh about it with their husbands, who would go to work the next morning and laugh about it with Caleb, who would go home that night and laugh about it with his new girlfriend who was probably skinnier and prettier than me and loved anal sex. NO. FREAKING. WAY. Was that EVER going to happen.

  “He’s probably got coworkers living all over Manhattan,” Hope said, sounding disappointed.

  I nodded. “They’re all over New York, period.”

  “So what are you saying? That you need to work in Jersey?” She shook her head vigorously. “I understand you’re feeling a little embarrassed right now, but I think it’s silly to go all the way to Jersey to make less money than you would here just because you might possibly run into someone who knows your ex.”

  “I think I should go farther away than Jersey,” I said thoughtfully.

  “Like where?”

  “Somewhere new where I can get a fresh and cheaper start. Maybe back home to Michigan. I’ve been gone over ten years, so it would really be like starting over.”

  “What would you do in Michigan?” She said the name of my home state like it was an undeveloped Third World country; a common misconception actually.

  The waiter brought over another bottle of wine for us, and I used the interruption to think about what I would do in Michigan. My intention back in the day had been to get my Master’s in Social Work and work with underprivileged teenagers. I’d wanted to help them achieve success in their lives and get out of the “system.” I could do that in Michigan for sure. The whole Metro Detroit area was in a disgrace at the moment and the underprivileged were many. Plus, my money would go a lot further there, especially if I moved in with my brother. Yes! It was definitely possible. I could make do on the measly amount of money my loving husband was “paying” me if I moved back to Michigan!

  “I’m going to do what I was supposed to have done all along,” I told her. Now where was our food? I was suddenly famished.

  I got back into the city by noon the next day and went straight to the lawyer’s office – (I had used Hope’s iPad at the hotel the night before to get the scoop on divorce lawyers. Maybe this technological overload actually had some relevance). The lawyer looked over the papers and said as long as Caleb was being honest about his finances, the offer was on the lower end of fair. She was going to send over a counteroffer asking for the higher end and do a little bit of research to see if she could find any hidden assets. I told her to do as much research as she wanted since Caleb was paying for it.

  She said I didn’t have to move out of the condo until it was sold, but I already had it in my head that I was going to Michigan and it was too late to change my mind. I told her to let me know anytime she wanted me to come to New York to meet with her again since the transportation expenses were taken care of, wink wink.

  The moving expenses were also taken care of. When I told Caleb I was moving back home, he had a moving company lined up within minutes. He told me to go ahead and pack a carry-on because he had booked me a flight to Michigan for Monday morning. The movers would have all of my stuff packed up and driven to Ann Arbor by Wednesday. Except for the furniture. The realtor said the condo would sell faster with the furniture in it so we were leaving it for now.

  And that was it. That was all it took. Thursday he told me he wanted a divorce and Monday morning I was on the first flight to DTW. I left behind Hope, my amazing condo and a city I loved as if it were a family member. But I was also on my way to gaining back my independence and all of the things that made me, me, before I met Caleb. I was gaining the ability to think for myself and make my own decisions and make my own flight arrangements, when needed.

  The funny thing about it, though, was that I had no idea what the hell I was doing. The one who planned everything, in a borderline-OCD kind of way, was doing something unplanned. I didn’t know what was before me, but I had faith that whatever it was, it was better than what I was leaving behind – somebody cue the soundtrack guy, please. I think something uplifting would be suitable here.

  Once the plane had taken off and the fun part was over, I reached into my tote bag for a magazine. A white envelope fell out of a copy of Self. First, I thought it was a heartfelt apologetic goodbye letter from Caleb, but since I didn’t see any pigs flying outside of my window, I knew that couldn’t be the case. I opened it up. It was from Hope. She must have snuck it into my bag when she came over to say goodbye.

  It was written on two pieces of college-ruled lined notebook paper stapled together. I looked out the window again. Nope, still no pigs. She must have borrowed some supplies from the American Museum of Natural History. That or she made a special stop at Duane Reade. I definitely appreciated the effort. A handwritten letter to a friend is better than any email, text, Facebook message, tweet or any other form of technological correspondence.

  Dear Friend,

  I’m really proud of you for taking this leap of faith. And even though I’m going to miss you like crazy, I understand why you have to go. My only concern is that you are going to be building a new life without my wisdom and guidance, which I think we both agree is an influence you really shouldn’t be without. No offense, Rox, but you don’t have the best track record when it comes to making decisions on your own. I mean, you are the one who married that jackass to begin with. And I’m not sure if I can trust these Michigan people either. If I leave your summer activities up to them, you might end up wearing denim overalls and shooting beer cans off a tree trunk while eating deer jerky with the three teeth you have left.

  That’s why I’m volunteering to act as your sponsor. I’ve done a lot of thinking this weekend, and I’ve come up with a way that I can keep you moving in the right direction from several states away. It’s called the Good Life List and it’s your new syllabus. Remember when I threw that bachelorette party for Lindsay and everyone had to complete tasks in order to win a free day at the spa? This is kind of like that, except I’m not handing out hits of ecstasy and there aren’t any bonus points for performing oral sex in public. I created this list with you in mind so it’s meant to be more classy than trashy.

  On the next page you will find your Good Life List. You need to complete each challenge on the list by the end of the summer. I know you are always saying that there are no dress rehearsals in life, but I disagree. Since you’re thinking about going back to school you’ll probably have figured out what the hell you’re going to do with your life by the time fall semester starts. But right now you have no one to impress – (except me ;), no one to answer to – (except me ;) and no one to please – (except me ;).

  This is your in-between. This is your dress rehearsal. So go on now and make me proud, little one. Oh, and please, for the love of all that is holy, if you even think about marrying someone because his last name sounds good with Roxie, you call me first so I can smack some sense into your pretty little head! Love you! Muah XOXO

  By the time I finished reading the letter I was laughing out loud while dabbing tears from my eyes. That girl is crazy, but I love her.

  I flipped over to the second page. On the top line she had written The Good Wife. Then she crossed out the word Wife and wrote Life. The Good Life. Underneath the title was the list of challenges she wanted me to complete this summer.

  1. Sunbathe in the nude.

  2. Get thrown out of a bar.

  3. Do something nice for a stranger.

  4. Go skinny dipping in someone else’s pool without their permission.<
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  5. Have sex for fun and not to make a baby. You should probably use a condom, too. Remember, classy not trashy.

  6. Get your picture taken in a photo booth … topless.

  7. Give that picture to someone.

  8. Wear a miniskirt in public without underwear.

  9. Tell somebody (preferably somebody you’re attracted to) that you’re not wearing anything under your skirt.

  10. Pee in the shower.

  11. Wash a car while wearing a bikini.

  12. Go into a toy store and use a hula hoop for at least 1 minute.

  13. Watch a sunset.

  14. Watch a sunrise.

  15. Take a nap in a park.

  16. Start a food fight.

  17. Play in the rain.

  18. Burst into song in public like you’re the star of a musical, and get at least one other person, a stranger, to sing along.

  19. Sleep outside overnight.

  20. Get drunk!

  21. Swing on the swings at a playground.

  22. Go into a department store and make a divorce registry.

  23. Mail out divorce announcements.

  24. Make out with a stranger.

  25. Volunteer at a homeless shelter.

  26. Host a party and serve at least ten recipes you’ve never made before.

  27. Drive around in your car until you find someone who is jogging and then follow the person while blasting the song “The Final Countdown” by Europe. (Just kidding about this one. But if you do it, please make sure you get it on video).

  Wow. That was quite a list. Some things were disgusting (peeing in the shower – gross). Some things sounded kind of fun, like skinny dipping. I could probably play in the rain and nap in a park without a problem. But there were some that really pushed my boundaries. Going commando under a miniskirt! Washing a car in a bikini! Bursting into song like I’m on Glee! Those things took guts – guts I didn’t have. I may have had such guts about ten years ago, but while my literal gut got bigger, my proverbial gut seemed to disappear.