Challenge Accepted!

by Celeste Barber

  Ten things I’ve learned about my body:

  I’ve got a lot of gas. In a good way.

  My wrists are really thin.

  My legs are my thing.

  I dislocated my hips when giving birth both times. If I sit down for too long, it takes my left hip a while to click back in, and I hobble around as though I have hemorrhoids that are playing up. Which I’m proud to say I don’t.

  My chest is covered in scars and is numb at times.

  I have a long bum. It goes down to the back of my knees.

  I have my nana’s feet.

  My hair is limp, limp hair.

  My breasts are closer to my belly button than my chin.

  I’m rather flexible.

  Five things I’ve been told about my face and body:

  I have fat pockets where a jawline should be.

  I have drag-queen eyelids. This is always given as a compliment, and taken as one.

  I look like a bird.

  I have a face that people don’t like—not an ugly face, not a bad face, just a face that people don’t like.

  I don’t have earlobes. I watched Kris Jenner in an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians (I know I could have written KUWTK and everyone would have known what I was talking about, but I’ve got a word count to hit, you guys), and she was completely freaked out by her earlobes. She’s had reconstructive surgery on her earlobes. Just another thing that we need to fucking freak out about. Our earlobes.

  The Last One Part 2 (Acknowledgments)

  Big fat thank-you to:

  Mum and Dad for all of it. Liv for making all of it fun.

  Benny, Harry, Angus, and Violet for being the loudest cheer squad a gal could ask for.

  Catherine Milne for being the kindest publisher a dyslexic first-time author could ask for.

  Shannon Kelly and Emma Dowden for making me sound really smart.

  Sahra for the cups of tea and excitement at any news I deliver. And the cookies, oh the cookies.

  Kyah for reminding me I’m not as great as I sometimes want to think I am.

  Thomas for being the greatest witch ever.

  Kika for letting me call at all times crying, saying “I can’t do it,” and making everything OK.

  Weez and Brookie for Wednesday night family dinners, which were dominated by me talking about this book.

  Lisa for thinking I’m fancy and saying so.

  Api for giving me Lou and Buddy, everything that is important to me.

  Meryl Streep. For obvious reasons.

  Dear Parents

  If you cry in the liquor store, you’ll almost always get a discount on wine.

  C x

  About the Author

  Celeste (actor, writer, comedian) has put all the words she has ever learned into this book, yet her publishers still want an author bio (exhausted face emoji). (I wrote a whole book on who I am and you can basically see my whole life on Instagram! What more do you people want from me?!) As a starting point, Celeste is happily married (sorry, fellas), a mum to two cute and full-on boys, an evil stepmum to two teenaged girls, and is more of a dog person—she never really understood the whole cat thing.