Gone Too Far : DCI Miller 4: Britain's Most Hated Celebrity Has Disappeared

by Steven Suttie

  “What’s that supposed to mean Sir?” asked one confused looking detective near to the front.

  “Well, its one of those funny cases where it will play out as a major news story on the telly, but in the real world, like, in here – it’s just another mis-per. So we need to treat it like any other mis-per that comes in or else we’ll be accused of giving special treatment to celebrities, or worse still, a poorer service to non-celebrity mis-pers. Whichever way we decide to go about this, it’s going to be a nightmare scenario. So let us all hope that those thick twats up in Manchester take it on, yeah?”

  There was a big laugh, and a couple of minutes of banter before DCI Paxman calmed his team.

  “So, I’m going to have to put two of you on this for the night duty, just to make sure that day-shift have covered all aspects of the mis-per paperwork and we’ve not left any glaring holes. Do any of you wish to volunteer yourselves to take it on?”

  DCI Paxman laughed when he saw that not a single hand had been raised. “So, I think that confirms there are no Kathy fans amongst our team! Okay, well, I’ll choose somebody over the course of the briefing. Okay, let’s get on with things then. On Friday night, there was a life-changing stabbing near Westfield shopping centre, young man, seventeen years old, by the name of…”

  The rest of the team briefing took forty five minutes. By the end of the meeting, DCI Paxman had decided to give the Kathy mis-per case to a couple of his more experienced staff members, just in case the horrible bitch turned up and demanded to know what had been done to find her. DCI Paxman wouldn’t put that past her, from what he’d heard about the woman over the past few years.

  “Okay, that’s all for tonight, thank you. You all know what you are doing, so I’ll leave you to get on with your work. Detective Sergeant Lynne Robinson and Detective Constable Faryad Hussain, come and see me in my office, please.”

  The room erupted with the sound of busy activity. Chairs were scraping across the floor and urgent discussions were starting as the detectives packed away their notes and belongings, looking eager to get on with their individual tasks.

  DS Robinson and DC Hussain headed straight into DCI Paxman’s office.

  “Hi guys, listen, I’m sorry to burden you two, but I started thinking, I need to put two of my best investigating officers on this. It is bound to be picked at by the press, and especially by her, when she turns up.”

  DS Lynne Robinson looked surprised. “You think she’ll turn up, Sir?”

  DCI Paxman appeared shocked by the question. “Yes, of course. Most mis-pers do turn up, don’t they? I take it that you’re not so convinced then?”

  DS Robinson shook her head. “Sir, this woman has upset practically every section of society. Rich, poor, fat, thin, black, white, Scottish, English, Irish, Welsh. She’s even been running a six-month long campaign against immigrants. I’ve been watching the TV news for most of the day Sir, and there are very, very few people who seemed genuinely concerned for her welfare.”

  “What, you think she’s met with some harm?” asked DC Faryad Hussain, of his senior officer.

  “Yes Faryad. I really do.”

  The look of total belief on DS Robinson’s face shocked the other two detectives in the office.

  “Well, in that case,” said DCI Paxman, “I hope for your sake that Manchester wish to take this on as a solo operation, because I can see right now that this is going to be an absolute bastard of a case.”

  “Oh you can say that again DCI Paxman,” said Robinson, with a cold, steely look in her eyes. “If Kathy has been murdered, then I believe there will be thousands of suspects who have made threats to kill her, and that is only online. She boasts about how many death threats she receives on her radio show. It’s like a game to her.”

  DC Hussain nodded his agreement with the DS’s point. “Yes, totally agree with you on that. I remember last

  year some time, Kathy had been making fun of some soap star who was complaining of being harassed online by trolls. She sent a message to the actress saying something like “if you can’t handle the trolls, pack up your two-hundred-grand acting job and go work in Primark, and then send your trolls my way you pathetic, stupid cow!”

  DS Robinson looked as though she was about to smile. “You don’t follow her on Twitter, do you?”

  DC Hussain looked a little embarrassed and looked down at his feet. “Some of the things she says though, I mean, it’s funny. It’s like things that you should never dare to say, she just comes right out with it. It’s entertaining, in a weird way. Like, you have to cringe, but it’s still interesting to see the reaction.”

  “And do you agree with your DS, Faryad? That somebody will have taken her comments so much to heart that they may have killed her?” DCI Paxman wasn’t amused by this very much, but he was interested in his officer’s views.

  “No. I don’t think it will have gone that far.”

  “So what were you agreeing with DS Robinson about a moment ago?”

  “I was just saying, there are definitely a lot of people out there who have made threats to kill her, on Twitter, on Facebook, on Blogs and Youtube. I was just agreeing that it will be a large investigation to try and work out who would be responsible.”

  “Precisely,” said DS Robinson. “I actually can’t think of any other person that will have received so much vitriolic abuse online. The strangest thing is, it seems to spur her on!” Once again, a smile looked close to appearing on the DS’s face.

  “Well, listen, thanks. I’m glad I picked you two to work on this. I think your first job is to go through the paperwork that’s been compiled today, check that it is all water- tight, I don’t want any room for criticism. Treat this as any ordinary mis-per, but be paranoid that the mis-per is very likely to chuck a freedom of information request in to see how her disappearance was treated by the Met. That’s my concern at this stage. Come and see me again later and tell me what gaps you’ve found and we’ll work out the next steps from there. Okay?”

  “Sir.”

  “Sir.”

  Chapter 4

  Twitter, the micro-blog site was completely awash with Tweets and conversations about the missing celebrity. The “trending” topics were all about Kathy, and to put this trending into context; there had been over six million posts about the subject within the previous four hour period.

  Over on Facebook, where conversations went a lot deeper, and where people could express themselves with many more words, the hot topic of discussion was the same, with over twenty million EU users engaged in some form of discussion or debate about Kathy, according to stats generated from the site’s “trending this hour” facility.

  Most people in the country had an opinion about Kathy. This was a well known fact. Unlike most celebrities, Kathy wasn’t pigeon-holed to a certain audience. She was well known to all generations. From primary school children to old Grandma’s in nursing homes, and just about everybody else in-between. Everybody in Britain knew about Kathy, and the kind of things that she said. It came as no surprise to anybody that her apparent “disappearance” was proving to be such a popular topic for discussion.

  Kathy originated from Scotland, but the straight speaking Scots don’t publicly claim her as theirs. Scottish people are fiercely, famously proud of their stars and celebs. Sean Connery, Billy “the Big Yin” Connolly, The Proclaimers and Mel Gibson are treated like Gods and Saints north of Carlisle. But, as was the case in every other district in the UK, the Scottish folk really weren’t very keen on the idea of having Kathy as an ambassador for their nation and as such, seldom mentioned her existence in their lists of “notable Scots.”

  But for all the negativity that she generated, the cold, hard fact of the matter was unavoidable. For all of her haters, and boy, there were plenty – there could be no denying that Kathy Hopkirk had made an incredible success of what she did. Inside a decade, she had managed to transform herself from being an out-of-work career woman on
the wrong side of forty, to a multi-millionaire. She was a hugely successful business woman. It hadn’t been easy, as she had reminded every interviewer or critic at every possible opportunity. But through sheer guts, endless determination and an unshakable passion for pissing people off, Kathy had become the nation’s number one choice of TV and radio talk-show guest, celebrity interview, or magazine article, and she was earning the very best money as a result. When she wasn’t making top fees from media appearances, she was making a fortune from her after-dinner talks, her book sales and her latest venture, a phone app which featured some of her nastiest one-liners, which was topping the App Store download charts.

  The fact that Kathy had become so rich and successful did nothing to dampen the flames of the public’s hatred. If anything, the fact that Kathy had done so well in life, by basically being a complete and total bitch, added to the vitriolic scorn that was poured upon her at every conceivable occasion. At face-to-face opportunities outside studios and bookshops, Kathy would take enormous delight in openly mocking people for their hatred. “Oh you’re only saying that because you’re jealous.” To ensure that she infuriated the person in conversation to maximum effect, Kathy would sing the last word “jealoouuussss” in a screechy, deliberately odious manner. “Face it, you wish you were me, and you hate me because you’re not!” Kathy would then turn away like a camp diva, and laugh to herself.

  An enormous row had erupted in the previous few weeks, based on a single, random Tweet that Kathy had sent out one uneventful Tuesday afternoon. It made Kathy’s comment the top UK news story within hours.

  “In Bradford today. Always amazes me that people in predominantly Asian areas tend to use their own streets to dump their litter. #AllahHatesLitterLouts”

  The Tweet created a huge reaction. Kathy just made fun of the outraged Tweets which flooded her way, Tweets which included death-threats for mocking the Islamic God.

  “OMG @KathyHK How can you say that, you racist, hate-crime, ignorant, ugly bitch!!!!”

  “Who’s being racist? You’re just annoyed because you throw your rubbish on the floor and I’ve called it out! Go and pick it up you cock-waffle.”

  Despite all of the nasty, and unpleasant exchanges of tweets, at the very heart of the discussion was a real issue, and it was an issue that seldom gets discussed, for precisely the reason that Kathy was being accused of – it was deemed racist to comment that there were very serious litter and fly-tipping problems in certain areas.

  “Call me racist all you want. If I’d said the same about council estates, you’d nod and agree. But even teenage mums and chavs know how to operate a bin.”

  “You have to bring religion into it!!!”

  “If I’d said God Hates Litter Louts – would that be as bad or worse or better, you complete and utter moron?”

  As was usually the case, a big, complicated row had erupted, and local BBC news crews were on the phones to their local authorities, asking if littering was more of a problem in the BME areas of town. Local authority spokesmen weren’t sure if they could answer, and promised to get back to the reporters. This was the kind of thing that local council staff would have to respond to extremely cautiously, and very diplomatically. On this occasion, the story fizzled out, as no local authorities wanted to go on-record to deny the phenomenon, nor did any want to deny that there was some substance to Kathy’s volatile observation.

  The top BBC 6 O’ Clock News story concluded with a phone comment from Kathy Hopkirk. Her famous, unmistakable, patronising voice was accompanied by her smiling, almost charming publicity photo.

  “I’m not apologising for pointing out a fact. If any members of the Asian communities in England are so confused by my comments, then I urge them to open their door, take a look outside, and if they can see no litter on their street, I will apologise. But as that’s not likely to happen at all, ever, I will say this… black bags are currently buy one get one free at Asda.”

  “Other supermarkets are available,” said the newsreader with a very serious expression on her face, as she segued into the next item.

  Kathy Hopkirk had an incredible ability to spark outrage, and walk away smiling. Sometimes it was mildly entertaining, or quite daring. But much of the time, she left people feeling hurt and angry. A couple of months before her disappearance, a Youtube video had gone viral in which Kathy had been approached in the street by a young mum, who’d asked the celebrity for a selfy photo. A passerby had filmed the ensuing confrontation on a mobile phone, and the resulting footage had hit the headlines and created the usual type of stir that Kathy was famed for.

  The video was painful to watch, as Kathy began verbally abusing the mother in the street. The mother had been smoking a cigarette when Kathy had walked past, and Kathy began asking the young mum how she was paying for the cigarette that she was smoking. She was shouting at the young woman, yelling “your kids are going to have shit Christmas presents and no holidays because of your selfish, ridiculous addiction to cigarettes. How can you sleep at night, you pathetic human being?” Kathy had then stepped back, and waited for an answer. The woman was scared, and totally speechless. Kathy had continued with her uninvited verbal assault. “I’ll stand over here while you answer me! I don’t want to inhale your children’s broken dreams, in the form of putrid, stale fag breath.” The footage ended when the person who had been filming went over to comfort the young mum who was visibly upset by the encounter. Kathy just wandered out of there without a care in the world.

  It was this kind of thing that made Kathy so universally unpopular, yet morbidly fascinating to watch. Just who on earth did she think she was? Why did she think that it was okay to behave in the way that she did? These were the questions that nobody could answer, and the questions which fuelled such interest in the self-made star. While there was plenty of interest in her activities, Kathy seemed determined to make headlines from whatever situation she found herself in. “Make hay while the sun shines” was the title of her bestselling autobiography, and her personal motto.

  Kathy Hopkirk first came to the public’s attention in 2007, when she appeared as a contestant on the popular British television series “Big Brother.” She had made a huge impression from the very first evening. After Kathy had paraded up the cat-walk and entered the famous house, she was followed by a sexy looking young housemate called Dana. The attractive young woman entered the Big Brother house wearing a stylish, figure-hugging white dress which attracted a great deal of attention and wolf-whistling from the audience outside.

  Kathy greeted Dana as soon as she entered the house, and in doing so provided one of the most notorious Big Brother moments of the show’s history. It was a moment that would be played back over and over again on TV “best of” shows and compilations. As Dana reached the bottom step, Kathy reached forward and said “hello my darling, my name is Kathy.” Dana leaned in and hugged her new friend and said, “Hi Kathy, my name’s Dana.” It was at this moment that Kathy announced in a very soft voice, “Dana, my darling, it looks like you’ve started your period, love.”

  Kathy gestured to the back of Dana’s outfit.

  The look of panic and horror on the poor young woman’s face was heart-breaking. Her stunning, happy, positive glow disintegrated in a flash. Dana’s face froze, and her healthy colour drained, as the thought of her making her beautiful, enchanting entrance to a TV audience of ten million viewers, with a period stain on the back of her dress. It was too much to take. Dana sobbed loudly as she broke down and began to cry. She ran away into the house, but she didn’t know where the toilet was so she was just running around aimlessly with her hands covering her tears. There wasn’t anything on the dress, and Kathy laughed coldly to herself, stared into the nearest camera and said, “I’m only joking, love. You’ll get used to me.” With that, she did a slow, psychotic wink at the camera and smiled angelically.

  In that moment, TV viewers had found a new rogue. A new villain. Britain had found its new “su
per-bitch” character. The nation had a brand new person that they could very openly hate.

  On a late night, light-hearted TV interview, Kathy had once famously announced that the only reason that she is hated so much, is because the public are not allowed to hate anybody else anymore. “You’re not allowed to hate bullies, you have to pity them. You’re not allowed to hate foreigners, not even the French ones, you have to tolerate them. You are not even allowed to hate thieves, robbers and tricksters who prey on the elderly. You’ve got to understand them. Seriously, I’m the only one you’re allowed to hate, think about it. So I might as well get you to hate me properly, eh?”

  But now that Kathy was a missing person, things were becoming a little trickier, and many people in society were confused by their feelings surrounding the disappearance. A lot of people were beginning to realise that even though they thought that they hated her, they actually felt quite concerned, and worried about Kathy.

  But not everybody. There were still a great many people who were making jokes and saying dreadful things about her. It seemed that the media would have a precariously fine line to tread whilst reporting this story.

  Chapter 5

  “Welcome to Sky News at nine, I’m Vickie Bane and our top story this hour is regarding the announcement from the Metropolitan Police this lunchtime, the news that Kathy Hopkirk has been reported missing. Well Sky’s chief media commentator Penny McAllen joins me live from Kathy’s home address in London. Penny, this doesn’t seem real, does it?”

  “No that’s right Vickie, the news has left everybody in the country feeling a little shell-shocked and I think, a little worried about Kathy’s welfare too.”

  “This disappearance does raise a number of questions Penny, and I think that right up at the top of the list, the question on many people’s lips – could this be a hoax? After all, Kathy is famous for her stunts and pranks. Could this just be another one?”