Gone Too Far : DCI Miller 4: Britain's Most Hated Celebrity Has Disappeared

by Steven Suttie

  The Kathy story now had its next element, and the pictures were on TV screens within moments of the car leaving the police station.

  “Well, now, we’ll have to stop you there, George,” said Beryl Butterworth into her microphone, “As we bring you some breaking news from London, and in the past few seconds, Jack Greenwood has been driven away from the police station where he has famously spent the night, since being arrested yesterday at the London FM studios. So, that would seem to spoil a lot of the theories that are banding around today, especially the ones on Twitter, which I can’t repeat for legal reasons!”

  This dramatic new development was just what the media people needed. It wasn’t exactly the outcome that many had planned for, but none-the-less, it was good for them to have a new aspect to concentrate on for the time being.

  But the time being was to be much shorter than anybody could have anticipated. The story had a completely different headline by twelve noon. By the time that Beryl Butterworth’s show was going off air, the Kathy story had a sensational new development.

  Chapter 25

  Just before noon on Tuesday, the mystery was solved. Kathy Hopkirk sent a Tweet from her Twitter account. It was a simple link, which opened up a video in Youtube.

  “Hi, hello everyone. I’m sorry I’ve not been around for a few days but I’ve had a lot of thinking to do.” Kathy Hopkirk was talking into a video camera. She looked relaxed, and quite happy, though slightly nervous. She had an unusually serious edge to her voice. This was an absolutely incredible end to the mystery of her disappearance.

  “I’ve decided, after a great deal of thought and consideration, to retire from my job as the most hated person in Britain. It stops, right now. I’ve realised that my actions, my words, my thoughts, they all have consequences. I’m not perfect, yet I seem to try and portray myself as such to you, the public, while trying to infuriate you as I do so. But let me set the record straight right now, if you would kindly indulge me for a few more minutes before I sign off.” Kathy looked sad, possibly a bit regretful as she looked straight down the lens of her camera. “I’m not brave, but I have said things that have offended many brave people, people who have gone to war, people who have overcome incredible challenges, people whose lives I could never be strong enough to live.” Kathy leant over towards the camera, checking it was in focus, before leaning back. Her hands were trembling noticeably.

  “I’m not somebody who eats a perfect diet, I’m just lucky that I have been born with a metabolism which prevents me from getting fat. However, these facts have never stopped me from upsetting and offending people who do have to watch their diets. I’m not religious, so in all honesty, I don’t really qualify for an opinion on religious matters. In fact, for all the things I have said, on all the topics that I’ve caused offence, upset and outrage with, I am truly, truly sorry.” Kathy stared down the lens, and it looked as though she was becoming tearful. This was a unique moment. Publicly, Kathy Hopkirk had never shown the slightest hint of human emotion before.

  “So, I’m being honest. I’m filled, no, totally absorbed with hatred. Its not that I don’t like seeing fat people stood at bus stops… it’s the smile, the laugh, the happiness they have that upsets me. Its not fatness, its happiness that offends me. I’m not even bothered about religious fanatics. It’s the sense of community and togetherness, and love that so many religious people share amongst one another that totally breaks my heart. I guess I’m jealous of it. I’m hateful of the Scottish people because I miss home, but nobody invites me back. I’m offensive to Americans because I haven’t been accepted there. I’m, look, I’m just a mess. I’ve found a way to make a lot of money, by just being hateful. By just being downright nasty, and offensive and as unpleasant as possible, and it’s made me incredibly rich. Human beings have an unbelievable appetite to hate a common enemy, but many of those people… you’re not allowed to hate them anymore. You can only hate the person or thing that it’s okay to hate, a person or thing that the media say it’s okay to hate, like Honey G. I saw that as an opportunity, and I’ve made several millions out of it. But I’ve made my money, I’m done. Now, I’m finally confessing, I’m owning up, and I’m retiring. The Kathy Hopkirk show is over. Thanks for the opportunity guys, and please, I want you all to know, I’m not joking around here. This will be my last public appearance. I’m not going to be in the UK anymore, so my most passionate haters can have a fantastic party this evening, and I wish you all well. Thank you everybody.”

  With that, Kathy smiled sombrely, leant forward and turned off the camera.

  Chapter 26

  “Fuck me dead! It was all a load of shit about Kathy, she was taking the piss!!!!”

  “Put the TV on, Kathy’s turned up. It was a hoax!”

  “Gutted for you mate, she isn’t dead after all lol!”

  Text messages, online alerts and phone calls were spreading the word as fast as the excited, giddy British public could pass it on to friends and relations who were not in front of televisions or i-pad screens. At times like these, everybody wanted to be the first to “break the news.”

  For those who were already watching the news update on TV, many were left with mixed emotions. They weren’t entirely sure how to react to this unlikely outcome. It had been thought that every potential scenario had been catered for in all of the thousands of discussions and arguments that had taken place over the past forty eight hours. But now, here was Kathy with a conclusion that nobody had anticipated. For one final time, she had run rings around the Great British public, and had the last laugh. Kathy was retiring, and not only that, she’d wanted to ensure that the world’s attention was firmly on her as she said her goodbyes. It was nothing short of genius, and even the most passionate haters had to smile at the incorrigible audacity of Kathy Hopkirk.

  But those smiles quickly turned to anger, and irritation, as people began to realise that they had been part of the stunt themselves. They had personally invested their interest in the disappearance, and now, as they began to realise that Kathy had just been taking the piss all along, not only over the past few days, but since she had first appeared from nowhere a decade earlier. As the minutes wore on, and the trick became clearer, people got angrier. In homes and factories up and down Britain, similar conversations were taking place.

  “It’s not funny that! I can’t believe someone would deliberately do that! What a dick.”

  “I tell you what, I might be six foot three, and a bloke, but I’d still kick her down an escalator for that. Stupid bitch. Innit though?”

  “You’d have to be sick in the head to try summat like that though wouldn’t you though?”

  Many British people decided to express their thoughts through Facebook status updates and tweets to their followers.

  “To think I was starting to worry about the bastard! Rot in hell Kathy you total bitch!!!”

  “Well, what a terrible thing to do. Honestly! Still, I’m glad she’s okay… but only just!”

  Kathy’s video was the only topic of discussion. The public were expressing their views in the best ways they knew how to, and one or two lucky ones had managed to get through to BBC Radio Five Live, and were enjoying having the nation’s airwaves to vent their frustration on.

  “We’re joined on line five by Simon in Sevenoaks. What are your thoughts on Kathy’s incredible announcement Simon?”

  “Yes, hi and thanks for putting me on the air. What I want to say is that I am absolutely disgusted by the behaviour of Kathy, and I would just like to know what the police are going to do about this complete and utter waste of time?”

  “In what respect Simon?” The presenter sounded slightly confused.

  “In the respect that we’ve had two police forces, in fact, two of the biggest police forces in the country out looking for this stupid little madam for the past two days! How many police hours have been wasted on this?”

  “Well, that is a fair point Simon, but, well it wasn�
��t Kathy who reported herself missing, it was her manager who was becoming worried about Kathy’s welfare.”

  “I don’t care who phoned up, I’m saying charge her with wasting police time! Take all this money she’s so delighted about, and give it to the police forces involved!”

  “That might be a slightly hysterical reaction Simon!” the presenter was clearly amused by the caller’s bizarre demands.

  “And that’s exactly what’s wrong with this country! It’s that kind of attitude that encourages this kind of nonsense!”

  “Simon, for goodness sake man. Nobody is encouraging this kind of behaviour. I tell you what, following your logic, I think they should take your house off you for making ridiculous comments to the British radio listeners!”

  “Well, I think you’re a cunt.”

  The remarkable thing about this latest news announcement, was that nobody was actually bothered about what Kathy was saying. Nobody was coming out with comments of regret that Kathy had decided to call it a day. Not a single Tweet was sent out begging Kathy to reconsider her decision. As had been the case on Sunday, when the disappearance had first been announced – it wasn’t about Kathy so much, it was about people voicing their opinions on Kathy. People just couldn’t resist sharing their point of view.

  There were a lot of people who were just hoping that this was true, and that this really was the last the British folk were going to see of Kathy Hopkirk.

  Chapter 27

  Miller was not amused by the news. As soon as he heard, he rang Saunders.

  “Hi Sir, alright?”

  “Hi Keith, I take it you’ve heard?”

  “About Kathy? Yes. What’s the plan?”

  “The plan is get your arse back up the M6, and I’ll take my flipping blood pressure tablets.”

  “Yes, I thought that would be the plan. Right away Sir. Grant’s just in the police station finishing off her arrest notes. I’ll go in and tell her it’s all over and we’ll head back. It’ll be tomorrow by the time we’re back in the office though.”

  Miller looked at his watch. “Shit, is that the time? Right, well, no worries, I’ll tell the Met that they can have this shite back and we’ll get you two back up here working on proper stuff!”

  “No worries. I’ll tell DC Grant that we’re folding down the investigation.”

  “How’s she been getting on?” asked Miller, sounding as though the question was an after-thought.

  “Yes, very good. I’m very impressed. She did a really good job on the husband this morning. I couldn’t get anywhere with him. So yes, good reports Sir.”

  “Did you both sleep okay?” Miller was laughing down the phone.

  “That was a twattish thing to do by the way Sir!”

  “Hey, don’t blame me!”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll get you back for that. Right, anyway, I’ll go and grab Grant and we’ll get ourselves sat in the traffic.”

  “Cheers. Right. See you tomoz then.” Miller pressed the red button on his phone and ended the call. He looked at his e-mail folder on the laptop and tried to find his colleague in London’s e-mail.

  “Ah, there it is. DCI Paxman.” Miller opened the e-mail and pressed the reply button.

  “Dear DCI Paxman,

  In light of today’s news regarding Kathy Hopkirk’s reappearance, I am writing to inform you that I have stood my officers down from the enquiry, and I am formally handing over full responsibility for the case to be finalised and closed by yourselves in the Met Police Division.

  Best

  DCI Andy Miller”

  “Right, that’s a job done. Now to get back to proper crime stuff.” Miller pulled out his LIVE file, and had a scan over which investigations his officers were currently overseeing. He wanted to curse Kathy Hopkirk for losing the SCIU department two officers for two entire days. Miller could have done without this when his live case-loads were relentless at the moment. As Miller continued to study his department’s workload, he felt a presence in the room. He glanced up and saw his boss, DCS Dixon hovering by the door.

  “Two visits in one day Sir? I’m truly blessed!”

  “Bad time?” asked Dixon.

  “I’m a bit pissed off to be honest Sir. This Kathy Hopkirk mis-per was a load of bollocks.”

  “Yes, I’ve just heard.” Dixon wandered in and sat down facing Miller’s desk.

  “So I’ve lost a few days of real work time. Could have done without that to be honest!” Miller was still looking over his file as he spoke.

  “Silly woman!”

  “I know, she needs her head testing that one. But, anyway, it is what it is.”

  “I meant to mention earlier. That was an unfortunate incident with Saunders, wasn’t it?” Dixon was finally rewarded with a glance from Miller.

  “Oh you mean the paparazzi. Yes, he was pretty pissed off about that. It serves as a reminder to everyone though, you’ve got to keep your guard up at all times.”

  “It’s just not like Saunders though, is it?”

  “No. No, it’s not. I’ll have a word.”

  “Yes, well, I was going to have one with him myself. I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation. It’s just…”

  “Its just it looks like the northern pillocks go down south and everything goes tits up?”

  “Well, yes, it’s a tad embarrassing.”

  “I’ll have a word when he gets back.”

  “Thanks. And how is the new DC getting on?”

  “Very well. She’s fitting in very well, and Saunders had a lot of good praise for her. So, it’s all very positive, thanks Sir.”

  “Good, good. She’s a bonny young lass as well, isn’t she?”

  Miller looked up again, and laughed. “Kin ‘ell Sir, that’s a pretty creepy thing to say!”

  “I know, but… well, you know. I bet Saunders likes her!”

  “Yes, I bet he does. Right, well, anyway…”

  “Yes, of course, I just didn’t want this business with Saunders sweeping under the carpet.”

  “No, no, of course. I know the drill Sir. You have hundreds of amazing days of successful, productive work with brilliant results, and nobody says jack-shit. But if you make one little cock-up, its time for a chat.”

  “Well, you do put things in a funny way, Andy.”

  “No I don’t Sir. I say things how they are.” Miller stared hard at Dixon, prompting him to retaliate. But Dixon knew very well that a closed-mouth policy would save a lot of fuss.

  “Just mention that I’ve mentioned it please. That’s all. See you later.”

  Chapter 28

  DI Saunders and DC Grant were sat on the motorway, in their unmarked CID police car, stuck in traffic. They were on the M25, trying to make their way out of the Greater London area.

  “Couldn’t live like this. Could you?”

  “What in all this traffic you mean?” Grant looked bored, and a bit fed-up.

  “Yeah. It’s shit. I hate it me. Hate traffic.”

  “What time do you think we’ll get back?”

  “Well, this… plus four hours.”

  Grant checked her watch, it was half past two. “So in the best case scenario, if this traffic jam started moving now, we’d be back for about half six?”

  “Ah, yes, say about seven-ish.”

  “Nice one, I might just get back in time for the pub quiz then. Starts at half eight, so a quick wash, quick change and out the door.”

  “Well, let’s see how we go on first. It’s four hours, after this.”

  “Yes, but come on Sir, we don’t have to sit in this.” Grant was smiling, and that funny, indescribable thing that kept happening to Saunders happened again. It was as though his heart was beating a bit harder. His belly flipped over and he could feel that he was blushing a bit. Trying to act cool when this kept happening was proving to be very difficult. He was grinning at Grant’s lovely, cheeky, contagious smile.

  “
You mean?”

  “Yes, you know exactly what I mean Sir!” Grant led forward and pressed the red 999 button on the dashboard. Suddenly, the under-cover police car began sounding a siren, and the front and rear blue lights hidden in the bodywork were flashing on and off. Saunders looked over his shoulder, then in front, checking that there was a pathway between all of the stationary vehicles.

  A few seconds later, the Manchester detectives were negotiating through the traffic jam, as the parked cars all slowly moved over and created a gap which Saunders and Grant could inch their vehicle through.

  “You’re going to get me shot, you!” Saunders was laughing at this ridiculous situation, as all the cars up ahead were trying to make a gap for the emergency services to get through.

  “Just get me to the quiz! That’s all that matters Sir! Hey, I tell you what, why don’t you come along?”

  “What seriously?” Saunders was buzzing.

  “Yeah, why not? As long as you’re not thick, you’ll be great!”

  Saunders was trying to get the car across to the hard shoulder, so he could get his foot down and get the speed over 5 mph.

  “Yeah, go on then, that’ll be ace that. I’ve not been to a pub quiz for ages. Who else is in your team?”

  “Well, you’ll be the only bloke. So I hope you can handle yourself around lots of boisterous bitches!”

  “How many?”

  “Only three others. You’ll be alright. Aw, are you coming then? Please!”

  “Yeah, why not? Go on. Cheers.”

  Saunders had finally made it across to the hard-shoulder and was now in a position to press his foot against the accelerator. Within seconds, the unmarked police car was whooshing past the traffic jam, and Saunders was thinking of getting to the pub quiz, an opportunity to spend even more time with DC Grant. He had a massive smile on his face as he drove along the motorway’s emergency lane, feeling pretty good. Saunders realised that he’d not felt this good for a long time, and the thought troubled him. In his private life, things always had a habit of turning to shit. But he had a very, very good feeling about his new colleague. That thing happened in his tummy again.