George Washington Zombie Slayer

by Wiles, David

  The zombie fell upon Patsy Washington in a second and began to bite and devour her, heedless of her screams and cries for mercy. Washington arrived to his daughter’s side in under five seconds, sword out, leveling it at the zombie’s head, decapitating the creature, even as it was feeding upon his daughter. The zombie’s head and body went in two opposite directions from the great force of Washington’s blow upon it.

  George jumped quickly from his horse, but everything seemed to move in slow motion. He was vaguely conscious of the screams of his slaves and his wife as they ran towards him. He could hear the hoofbeats of Reebock’s approaching horse, and the smell of his son, who had crapped himself in fear at the sight of the zombie attack. Washington could hear his own heart beating loudly as he knelt beside his dying daughter.

  “Father, I’m bleeding” Patsy said in a whisper. “And my fingers are cold.”

  Washington was overcome with emotion and stammered to make reply to the dying child. He looked down at her bloodied hands and saw her fingers were bitten off and missing.

  “Oh look here,” Washington whispered back, brushing her hair sweetly and holding her wrist up so she could see her own hand. “Your fingers shouldn’t be cold, you see? The zombie has chewed them all off.” Washington gave her the sweet smile of a caring but not particularly competent parent.

  And then she closed her eyes. Patsy fell unconscious and went into a seizure of the type she often had. The seizure continued for nearly a minute and showed no signs of stopping.

  George Washington picked up his daughter as she convulsed weakly, still alive, and carried her to the main house alongside Martha. They placed her on a small sofa in the parlor.

  “She has been bitten and her injuries are too severe,” George said quietly to Martha after examining the child’s wounds, even as one of the slaves laid a blanket across Patsy’s legs. “She cannot survive,” Washington added, as tears ran down his cheeks.

  Martha gasped and began to weep as George put a consoling arm around her. Soon, George Washington saw that his daughter was no longer breathing, but she continued to twitch and convulse. He knew that his daughter was dead, and that her transformation to a zombie had begun.

  Washington asked Beyonce and Oprah to take Martha to her bedroom, and to clear the room. Soon only Reebock and George Washington stood in the parlor before the convulsing body of Patsy Washington. Patsy was now certain to become a zombie.

  George Washington reached down to his waist and drew the seven inch knife on his belt from its leather sheath. He knew there was only one way to prevent his daughter from being fully transformed into a zombie, by inflicting damage to her brain. Stepping forward with knife in hand, Washington reached out, but he felt his arm suddenly grabbed by his slave, Reebock.

  “No, mon,” Reebok said. “Let ME do that. No father should have to do that to his own daughter.” Reebok took the knife from George’s hand, grasped him by the shoulders and turned him around, and George walked out of the parlor, tears still streaming down his face.

  Washington went to his study and dried the last of the tears from his face, and composed himself. Washington was not an overly emotional man, and would shed no more tears for his daughter’s passing, even during her funeral and burial. Washington tended to internalize most emotions, rather than express them openly.

  George Washington reached into his desk and opened his daily journal. He made a notation of the date, June 19, 1773 and then made a journal entry of a sad, single sentence:

  “At home today, daughter Patsy died suddenly.”

  Chapter 34

  Rise of the American Militia

  “A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.”

  Those words are not just text from the later United States Bill of Rights. Long before the Bill of Rights was written, in the American Colonies of the 1770’s, those words reflected both public sentiment and actual behavior. Americans felt they had a RIGHT to form local militias to protect their freedom. And they did so.

  One must remember that 1700’s America was a far different place from the America that we ourselves know. In Washington’s day, the vast majority of people grew their own food. While there were some craftsmen, such as masons, carpenters and artists, America was primarily an agrarian economy. Most Americans were simple farmers.

  The average American in Washington’s time was also very likely to own a rifle. Hunting was a part of survival in the early days of America, and Americans would often obtain meat from hunting deer, elk, squirrel, rat, boar, turkey, hedgehog, guinea pig, elk, antelope, and assorted indigenous varmints.

  The chief recreational activity of the American Colonies was drinking, with sexual intercourse placing a close second. Then as now, Americans loved to get drunk and screw.

  Colonial Americans tended to be somewhat undisciplined regarding time, and most didn’t own a clock or even a watch. Tasks were performed when called for, with no fixed timetable or expectation of deadlines for completion.

  A surprising number of Colonial Americans were literate, perhaps upwards of 75%, but they were also uneducated, with most having little more than a grammar school education. So while most Americans could read a newspaper, their comprehension and analytical skills regarding complex political issues were lacking. Most Colonists knew they hated the British, and that was enough.

  These were the greatest percentage of men taking up arms and forming into local militia, these simple, undereducated, undisciplined, untimely, gun-happy, horny, drunken farmers. And these were the men that came to George Washington for military training. They knew Washington was a skilled military man, and militiamen needed his help in training and in learning military tactics.

  George Washington would be afforded no time to grieve for his daughter. As he did so often throughout his entire life, Washington put the needs of his countrymen before his own. These militiamen needed training, and few were better suited to train them than this experienced, gentleman warrior. Militiamen asked for his help, and he would provide it.

  There would be no ninja skills imparted, no advanced techniques, no complexity of tactics or training. Washington’s plan was to teach them the basics of military drill and combat.

  To his credit, Washington tried his best to train these simple farmers to become simple soldiers. But they were generally uncooperative, unruly and quarrelsome. It’s not all too surprising that men who take up arms in the defense of personal freedom might be unwilling to forfeit that freedom and happily submit to the rigors of military training and discipline.

  Washington wrote to Benjamin Franklin that:

  Compatriots of the local Virginia militias have banded together and imposed upon me to train them, but, oh, fuck me!, they seem entirely unsuited to the task. They brawl and quarrel and drink ale, and seem either unwilling or unable to learn military drill. They seem more like god-damn retards, but later I learned that this is their natural state. I am often frustrated to the point that I feel like sticking a fork up my own ass! God help America in her hour of need.

  Col. Geo W.

  Washington would appear at local churches and village squares, teaching and instructing the townsmen in the ways of modern military science. He taught them line of battle and the order of march. But for the most part, the “cadets” were not very interested in Washington’s military training classes, usually being more concerned with “when do we open the keg?” (Most military training sessions ended with the opening of an ale-keg).

  And so it was that George Washington learned to hold members of the local militia in low regard. Washington would always voice respect and appreciation towards regular Continental Army soldiers, but he would forever suffer the presence of local militia unwillingly.

  It was at the conclusion of one of these militia training sessions on the grounds of Mount Vernon that Reebock approached bearing a sealed envelope, which was handed to Washington. He opened th
e envelope as the class was dissolving into its ale drinking formation, and turned the paper to the right to catch the last rays of the setting sun, by which to read.

  The message contained in the letter was both short and direct:

  You are herewithin notified that Col Geo. Washington has been named a delegate of Virginia to attend the First Continental Congress on 5th September, 1774, in Philadelphia, PA.

  Chapter 35

  The First Continental Congress

  The First Continental Congress met in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in September of 1774, but it didn’t accomplish a whole hell of a lot. There were 343 Colonial big shots in attendance like Washington, Samuel Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Monroe and a host of delegates from throughout the thirteen colonies. These were America’s Founding Fathers.

  The First Continental Congress was held to allow various representatives of the thirteen colonies to discuss options, issues and opinions regarding the British, and to take whatever appropriate action they could all agree upon.

  The main problem was that there was not a consensus regarding appropriate action against the British. Not yet. Many in attendance still felt they were British subjects and hoped to return to that status with greater political freedom. Others regarded rebellion as inevitable. The majority, however, were taking a “wait-and see” type approach, and letting themselves be guided by the unfolding of events and reacting to British policy.

  No one knew exactly what needed to be done, or when. So as often happens at political meetings with too many big shots, many people talked, and few things actually got done.

  Certain, generally agreed upon ideas were even now percolating in their founding father brains, like the right to life, liberty and property. They asserted that these rights should be protected now, and in the future.

  It was suggested by some small number of delegates that a militia army should be formed, and George Washington snapped to attention as the obvious choice to lead such an army. But most other delegates, as yet uncertain as to the need for a standing army, forcefully poo-pooed the very notion and left a dejected Washington wishing more delegates had felt differently.

  There was much lively discussion of the British use of zombie soldiers and ways their practice could be dealt with. At one point, South Carolina delegate Pierce Butler spoke up. Butler was perhaps the largest slaveholder in America and although he was doubtful of the moral implications and political viability of the institution of slavery, he nonetheless defended it for two distinctly personal reasons: greed and selfishness.

  “The use of zombie soldiers is indeed frightening,” Butler said. “But not nearly so frightening to me as the thought of having a negro delegate among us,” he said, clearly referring to Thomas Jefferson.

  “Hey, Pierce,” George Washington immediately stood and said aloud to Mr. Butler before the assembled body of the First Continental Congress. “Why don’t you just sit down and shut the fuck up?”

  The red-faced Pierce Butler sat down in shame at this chastisement by the well-respected Washington, amid much laughter in the meeting hall. The further discussion of zombies, and Jefferson, and slavery, was put off until a later time.

  So while the British Parliament declared that the American Colonies were in a state of rebellion, the one thing the Founding Fathers did agree upon was the need to establish a boycott of British goods. Representatives from all thirteen Colonies heartily endorsed the boycott proposal, and it was implemented much to the chagrin of British merchants. Following the implementation of the boycott, hundreds of thousands of pounds of British goods sat in giant warehouses in London and other port cities, unsold and unused. And British manufacturers were furious.

  The Continental Congress also agreed to discontinue the trade and importation of slaves. Of course, no prohibition was made on the breeding and selling of fresh, American-made slaves. Buying a foreign slave was now akin to buying a foreign car. Overseas slaves were expensive to import, and there was less motivation to do so, as there were plenty of reliable models for sale domestically. The program to outlaw slave imports was essentially the American continent’s first “Buy American” campaign.

  There was also talk of a Second Continental Congress, at a date yet to be decided. For now, the delegates would return to their Colonies, restless and frustrated.

  Chapter 36

  Liberty or Death

  There was a general sentiment among the Founding Fathers, throughout the entire thirteen colonies, that various levels of severe discomfort were preferable to the loss of freedom. That is, if need be, they were determined to suffer grievously for the sake of liberty. It was a concept to which a great deal of thought was given, but one which they initially struggled to put into words.

  In early 1775, Washington wrote to a business associate that, “I think we have set upon a path which ends either in liberty, or does not.” Jefferson recorded in his personal journal about this time that, “For the fruit of Freedom to grow, tree of liberty must never be fertilized by being pee’d upon.” In a letter to the British-appointed Governor of Massachusetts, Benjamin Franklin wrote, “There are hard choices to be made, though I truly say to give me liberty, or give me indigestion. For the loss of freedom is like eating a piece of spoiled mutton. It is unpleasant to the taste, sour to the stomach, and comes out more stinky than when it went in.” Needless to say, the initial declarations regarding liberty were not stirring to the soul.

  Patrick Henry boldly stated the most famous sentiments regarding freedom and liberty while speaking at a convention of Virginia delegates in St. John’s Church in Richmond, Virginia in March of 1775. Sadly, no one thought to transcribe Patrick Henry’s speech that day, although even the recollections of this speech, passed by word of mouth and the newspapers of the day, soon rendered the speech as legendary. But as no one had a written text of the speech, it was culled together from the recollections of those in attendance.

  One attendee noted that, “Mister Henry spoke with passion, stating firmly that we Colonists were being shackled with the chains of tyranny, and that our God-given rights were being violated and tread upon.” Another observer recalled that, “Patrick Henry stirringly decried the abuses of our personal Liberty. He called the British ‘evil fuck-tards,’ and swore that his liberty was more precious to him than his own testicles.” Nearly all the witnesses to the speech recalled the powerful and climactic closing of Henry’s oratory. And though one witness, perhaps erroneously, recalled Henry challenging the British to “give me Liberty or give me a good spanking,” it is more likely he actually spoke what several other witnesses recalled: “but as for myself, give me Liberty or give me death!”

  These were the words that stirred a people to action and planted the seeds of a nation. A line had been drawn. The British sought to maintain their will through the violation of individual liberty. The Colonists were determined to prevent this.

  The moment had arrived, at long last, for Revolution.

  Chapter 37

  The Shot Heard ‘Round the World

  And it came to pass that in April of 1775, Cornwallis ordered British troops to march to the town of Concord and to seize or destroy the munitions and weapons present there.

  The New Englanders, of course, were ever vigilant regarding large British troop movements in and around Boston, and the “word-of-mouth” network of secret codes shared between patriots permitted strategic information to be spread at wildfire speed. Most New Englanders anticipated a British move upon Concord.

  The initial codified system regarding the sharing of information on British troop movements was somewhat cumbersome and complex. The Colonial Minuteman Signal Guidebook for 1775 stated:

  “In the event the British are marching 500 troops or less via land deployment, the Colonials should hang a single lantern in the steeple of the Old North Church to alert other militia as to that troop movement. If more than 500 British troops are marching, three lanterns should be hung, but only in the event the British were march
ing by land. If the British forces of 500 or less are dispatched by sea, then two lanterns should be hung. Unless which a force of greater than 500 British troops are dispatched by sea, in which case four lanterns were to be hung. And should the British deploy forces by both land and sea, then five lanterns should be hung, with the fifth lantern being either of red or amber hue. In no event shall six or greater lanterns be utilized.”

  Needless to say, the Colonial “secret code” system was one in need of revision and improved clarity. A fragment of a letter from George Washington to Paul Revere in early April of 1775 shows Washington’s skillful ability to simplify and decomplicate confusing military codes and orders:

  “Hey Pauly- I noticed that lantern alert system is extremely fucked up. Mightn’t we use simply --one if by land and two if by sea? Sincerely, GW-“

  Washington’s system was immediately adopted, and proved useful in providing clear and important information.

  Upon seeing the lanterns, several riders were dispatched to alert neighboring towns and villages regarding the approach of the British troops. Among these riders was a now-famous silversmith by the name of Paul Revere. But there are several myths regarding Revere’s ride that have sprung up over the years.

  The first myth is that Paul Revere actually completed his “midnight ride.” In point of fact, Revere rode only a short few miles before he was stopped and detained by the British. He never completed his route, and the information he shared over the small distance he actually traveled was essentially worthless. Although several riders did proceed many miles to warn the colonials of the approach of British troops, Paul Revere was not among them.

  The second myth was that he had always planned to make the ride in the first place. In reality, it was Paul Revere’s fat, lazy, drug-addicted brother Rush Revere, a man of much talk and little action, who was originally going to make the ride. But when Rush Revere was put a-horse, his great bulk snapped the spine of his horse like a twig and killed the animal. And so the slimmer Paul was chosen to ride another horse to warn the Colonists.