George Washington Zombie Slayer

by Wiles, David

  General George Washington later walked to the edge of camp with his son’s flag covered casket and watched it carefully loaded on the wagon for the journey to Virginia. There he saw a sight which made his heart heavy with sadness. In the field lay thousands of flag covered caskets, representing over 2000 as yet unburied dead from the Valley Forge winter.

  Hundreds of Washington’s soldiers were busily at work, digging the mass graves in the now-thawed Pennsylvania soil which would become the final resting place of these American warrior heroes. Unlike the British, who used their deceased as zombies in defiance of the laws of man and God, the Americans would still stand proud and bury their dead.

  Many days later, a lonely and grieving Martha Washington wept inconsolably as she buried her last surviving child, her only son, in the family plot just a short walk from the main house at Mount Vernon.

  It should be noted that for many years, even after the Revolutionary War, John-Poopy Washington’s grave was marked by a simple wooden cross. George Washington could never quite think of an appropriate inscription for his stepson’s gravestone until his slave, Oprah, gave him a suggestion which was later carved upon the marker. Thus, even to this day, visitors to the Mount Vernon estate can still find the grave of Washington’s only stepson, capped with a marble gravestone that bears the inscription: “Here lies John Washington, Lovingly Called Poopy, Who Gave a Shit for American Independence.”

  Chapter 54

  The British Treat Their Gravely Sick and Wounded

  Lord General Cornwallis walked with a smile into the camp hospital where nearly two thousand British troops lay sick and dying. The soldiers housed here were the worst of the worst, seriously ill or wounded soldiers that had little or no chance of recovery. As in the American Army, illness and disease had ravaged the British troops over the harsh winter. Cornwallis had been angrily lamenting the large numbers of sick and wounded that were draining his army of valuable resources. He could think of no solution to the great numbers of those unfit for duty, until this morning, when he had formulated what he regarded as one of his most brilliant ideas.

  The large bay doors of the hospital complex burst open just after the arrival of Cornwallis and hundreds of British soldiers marched in, each bearing one leashed zombie. Each Redcoat walked his zombie over to a wounded soldier, and allowed the zombie to deeply bite the bedbound patient, despite the patient’s screams and cries for mercy.

  Again and again, the process was repeated until the screams of thousands of British soldiers echoed throughout the hospital. Before long, it was over. Every sick and wounded man had been bitten. British General Cornwallis had devised a plan to rid his entire army of sick and wounded by turning them all into zombies! Within hours and days, every single wounded British soldier would die and become reborn as a zombie.

  “You are a genius, General,” said his aide Smithers. “You have rid the entire army of our sick and wounded in one fell swoop!”

  “It was rather a stroke of genius,” Cornwallis said unabashedly.

  “And the best part is,” Smithers continued, “we shan’t have any further casualties from this lot, as they’re already dead. I shall see that these new zombies are quickly transported to our Zombie Camp in Virginia for immediate training and development. They will most certainly have a positive effect upon our success against the Colonials.”

  “A great leader finds the means to convert negative hardships into positive opportunities,” Cornwallis said proudly. “In Washington’s army, those many thousands of his sick and wounded simply died. But that is why we British are superior. Instead of just letting our soldiers languish and perish, as the colonials do, we harvest our sick and dying as a resource which can be used for productive purposes. It is why we British shall most certainly prevail in this conflict.”

  “You are an exemplar of British tenacity and innovation,” Smithers said. “I thank God for your bold leadership, General.”

  “Yes, to those whom God has given great skill,” Cornwallis reflected haughtily, “much is expected. I can only be pleased that my abilities may be so gainfully employed, at this turbulent time in history, for the defense of King and Country.”

  “And your plans for the upcoming campaign?” Smithers asked.

  “As we discussed before,” Cornwallis explained, “I shall now attack the colonials on multiple fronts, especially in the Carolinas, away from the direct command of Washington.”

  “It’s a brilliant plan of attack,” Smithers stated soundly. “One destined to preserve your name in the annals of British history.”

  “History will no doubt smile affectionately upon me,” Cornwallis boasted. “Especially since we now have an additional 2,500 fresh, zombie troops that are ready to be trained,” Cornwallis added. “This gives us an even larger numerical advantage over the colonials.”

  “Truly remarkable, General,” Smithers added as Cornwallis watched his own formerly wounded soldiers begin the transformation into zombies. Cornwallis inhaled deeply the smell of decaying flesh through his nose and smiled broadly as he watched the transformations.

  “I love the smell of zombies in the morning,” Cornwallis said at last. “Smells like…victory.”

  Chapter 55

  George Washington and His Generals

  As the American Revolutionary War dragged on, George Washington came to the realization that ultimate victory would not come only from his personal defeat of Cornwallis, but rather as part of a team effort where many victories were gained on multiple fronts. To win, he would certainly have to battle Cornwallis and kick his ass. But there was more to victory than just beating Cornwallis personally.

  Washington now realized that his subordinate generals would become pivotal in achieving final victory against the British. Truly, Washington himself could not be everywhere at once. And yet the British were free to attack American forces on multiple fronts. Thus, Washington was forced to reply upon the careful selection of Generals under his direct command. While Washington would devise the strategy, these generals, in most cases reliable and able commanders, would fulfill the execution of that strategy.

  Chief among Washington’s most trusted generals was General Nathanael Greene. Greene started the Revolutionary War as a Private in the Militia, the lowest possible rank. But through his tenacity, loyalty, devotion and expanding military experience, this educated and self-educated officer grew to be one of General George Washington’s most trusted confidants.

  Washington placed Greene in charge of his “Southern Campaign,” leading the fight against the British plan to attack and hold key southern positions in North America. Greene was perhaps the most important Revolutionary War general next to Washington himself.

  General Horatio Gates proved invaluable in helping to organize and train the soldiers of the Continental Army. And as he was often scheming behind-the scenes for Washington’s job, he forced Washington to sharpen his own political and military skills necessary to retain command.

  General Henry Knox became one of the first generals to realize the importance of artillery and was given the title of the Father of the modern Artillery Corps. His assistance would be critical in victory against the British.

  The Marquis de Lafayette grew from an inexperienced French youth into one of Washington’s most trusted and loyal military commanders. More importantly, Lafayette’s ability to bring eventual French military assistance to Washington was perhaps one of the most important accomplishments of the entire war.

  So, too, Washington trusted a handsome young military General named Benedict Arnold, the commander of West Point. Bold, aggressive and skilled in military tactics, Arnold was one of Washington’s best generals but was often passed over for promotion for personal and political reasons. Washington had hand-picked Arnold and trusted him completely.

  These were some of the men upon whom George Washington would rely in order to defeat the British. While these men would fight the next battles of the war, Washington also devised a strategy to
deal with the true enemy of American freedom.

  Chapter 56

  The True Enemy of American Freedom

  To- Thomas Jefferson

  From- General George Washington

  Dear TJ-

  I extend my most sincere greetings to you and hope this finds you well. Let me offer my congratulations to you on the creation of US Declaration of Independence, a noble document which will most certainly ensure your historical legacy as one of the world’s greatest proponents of freedom and liberty.

  I am writing this to advise you of a course of military action upon which I have decided in order that there might be a historical record of my decision and the reasoning behind it.

  As the Commanding General of the Continental Army, I have thus far met with both success and failure in regards to combat with the British. I have no doubt that the bravery and fortitude of our own soldiers is equal to that of the British cocksuckers we face, but our forces often lack the training, experience and most especially the adequate provisioning commonplace to soldiery of the King’s army. But there is more to it than that.

  In battle after battle, our soldiers have been tried and tested against the most perilous odds and prevailed in circumstances which would have broken men of lesser fortitude. Yet final and complete victory against the British has remained, thus far, elusive.

  After a tactical review of our battle performance, I must conclude that the main advantage the British army has stems from its continued use of zombie soldiers in the field. They consume no food and no water, and need no tents, blankets shoes or shelter. They suffer no deprivation or illness. Being dead, they are harder to fight in battle and usually require both additional time and ammunition to be effectively repulsed.

  The true enemy of American Freedom is the British use of zombies against us. Whilst the British have zombie soldiers, we are at a disadvantage. Whilst the British continue to produce new zombie soldiers, our disadvantage grows. Thus, my primary objective shall be to eliminate the British ability to produce additional zombies, and to prevent them from deploying the zombies they have already created.

  It is my intent to infiltrate the secret British Zombie Camp in Virginia, entirely destroying the base and eliminating as many zombies as possible. It appears unlikely that any man might survive such a mission and thus, I cannot ask any man to join me in this endeavor. The camp is so well-fortified and filled with so many zombies that the odds of survival are slim.

  And yet I believe such a mission must be attempted for the sake of ultimate victory against the British. If we do not eliminate their zombies, and eliminate the British ability to produce more zombies, I feel that we have no real hope of victory.

  My subordinate generals are now well-positioned for action against the British in the Carolinas and in any front upon which attack may commence. I have complete faith in the abilities of Generals Greene, Knox, Arnold and Gates. Should I fail in my mission, or fail to return, I have no doubt but that General Greene would be an able and suitable Commander of the Continental Army.

  I shall add my personal thanks to you, TJ, for your skill in training me in the martial arts of the ninja. Any hope I have of surviving my current mission comes exclusively from your skill and devotion to my training.

  I feel in fullness that the American fight for freedom depends heavily upon my ability to stop the British from using zombies against the Continental Army. I believe it is for that reason that Almighty God, in his wisdom, has directed me for that purpose.

  I therefore sign myself, your affectionate friend,

  George

  Chapter 57

  Washington Prepares for His Attack

  On the lush, wooded hillside overlooking the British Zombie Development Facility just outside of Richmond, Virginia, George Washington sat crouched and concealed for several hours in a dark, black blanket at midnight, making careful observations of the layout, defenses, troop deployments, and sentry positions of the encampment below him. The planned attack on this zombie camp was going to be even more difficult than he first believed.

  Just this evening, British soldiers marched over two thousand new zombie soldiers into camp for basic training and development. As far as he could estimate, there appeared to be a total of about 6,000 zombies in the camp, with about 600 living British Redcoats present assigned to guard and train them.

  If the British were allowed to bring these troops to the field, it would provide them with an overwhelming advantage that would most likely bring about the defeat of the Continental Army. George Washington knew he must never allow the zombies to leave this camp. But how could he, one man acting alone, destroy an entire camp of zombies?

  He knew that the eight large barrels of gunpowder he had brought with him would be of some help. The barrels were hidden in the woods near his black-painted wagon, well concealed in a thicket just a few yards from his position here. But even with these explosives, he would need to formulate a plan of attack based upon his observations.

  Stupidly, like the arrogant cocksuckers they were, the British had nearly all of their 600 living soldiers housed in one large barracks near the front edge of the camp, and it made the perfect target. If Washington could destroy that cabin, and the soldiers within it, he would then only have to contend with the remaining zombies.

  He figured his best bet would be to sneak three large barrels of gunpowder to the stockade fence nearest to the British barracks and light them aflame. The resulting explosion would breach the stockade fence and destroy the nearby barracks of the living British troops within. He could then roll the remaining casks of gunpowder down the hill, aflame, letting the remainder of his explosives cause as much damage as possible. Then he would engage in hand to hand combat until he had killed the remainder of the zombies, or until he was dead.

  It wasn’t a great plan, but it was all that he had. Washington made his way back to the wagon and prepared to stealthily place three of the black-painted gunpowder barrels into position near the stockade fence, when he suddenly felt someone behind him reach up and tap him on the shoulder!

  It was impossible! In the darkness, in absolute silence, someone had snuck up undetected behind Washington, without being heard or seen or discovered. Only a ninja could do that.

  There were few moments in George Washington’s life when he was completely and totally surprised, and this was one of those moments. Washington spun around and was entirely dumbstruck.

  “Fuck Me!” George Washington exclaimed upon seeing his old friend, Thomas Jefferson, standing there clad in his black ninja uniform.

  “You didn’t think you were going to make this attack alone,” Jefferson asked, smiling. “Did you?”

  Even more amazingly, next to Jefferson, stood Washington’s other good friend, Benjamin Franklin. He was holding some type of futuristic-looking rifle and wore a large, metallic looking knapsack slung over his back and shoulders.

  “Yeah,” Franklin whispered in the darkness. “We were sort of pissed off that you didn’t ask us to help you.”

  George Washington hugged his friends warmly and gratefully. “I could not ask you to do this with me, my friends,” Washington said honestly. “The odds of success are too slim,” he added.

  “We’re going with you,” Franklin said, ending any further discussion on that matter. “Plus, we brought a few…surprises,” he added with a smile. “Let us formulate a new plan of attack that utilizes all three of us.”

  Chapter 58

  Three Founding Fathers Plan a Zombie Camp Assault

  “We have devised a sound plan of attack,” Thomas Jefferson stated after the three men had discussed their newly planned strategic assault for the last hour.

  “I agree,” Washington replied.

  “So you two ninjas two will infiltrate the camp,” Franklin stated, “and plant my recently invented explosives on several of the zombie barracks.”

  “Correct,” Jefferson said.

  “And then I will position and detonate the three gun
powder barrels,” Franklin explained, “hopefully destroying the stockade fence and all the ‘living’ soldiers in the camp.”

  “Right,” Washington added. “Though I am a bit concerned about the ‘new’ explosive devices you have provided us with,” Washington said to Franklin as he kneaded a baseball-sized ball of a clay-like substance between his fingers. “This putty you’ve invented is actually… an explosive?”

  “Yes,” Franklin stated. “It’s a ‘plastic’ explosive I have named C4.”

  “And this small ball of putty will cause as much destruction as an entire barrel of gunpowder?” Washington asked skeptically.

  “Oh, fuck yeah!” Franklin stated. “I invented it many months ago but could not find a way to detonate it. But in my recent experiments with electricity, I found a perfect triggering force for the explosive. An electrical spark! Just press the miniature pendulum timer after you have set the C4 and, 5 minutes later…Ka-BOOM!”

  “Well you know I trust you,” Washington said. “So I can’t wait to see them work.”

  “The explosives took me years to make, and the ingredients are scarce. We only have enough C4 for eight of the twelve zombie barracks,” Franklin admitted sadly. “SO we will have roughly two thousand zombies left to fight hand to hand, following the explosions.”

  “Then the three of us shall make a direct frontal assault through the breach in the stockade fence,” Jefferson continued. “With Doctor Franklin and his new ‘electrical assault rifle’ taking the point position.”

  “Right,” Franklin said smiling.

  “I sure hope your devices work,” Washington said in concern. “Our entire plan hinges on the success of these new inventions.”