The Ravine

by Robert Pascuzzi

  Joanna answered in a slow and methodical manner. “Perhaps I should tell you what I am not. I’m not a medium, but God sees fit to use me as an intercessor. So God allows me to use the gifts He has given me to intercede and pray for those in need, which is the focal point of who I am and how I help others. Sometimes I am permitted to do things that most earthly men or women wouldn’t understand. For example, I’ll be in the presence of someone living in heaven and they will speak to me, and I’ll hear their voice. And I will receive their message and their words and be able to share them with others. So the truth is that I am simply a messenger, and I will answer your questions if I am able.”

  “Thank you, Joanna,” Carolyn replied. “Then I guess my first question would be about Rachel. I have felt her presence so many times, but it’s just so hard to believe it’s real, and so I don’t trust it and then I convince myself that I’m just imaging things.”

  “Well, Carolyn, given that Rachel was such a big part of your life for so long, and that she left so abruptly, it’s only natural that you would feel a connection with her. Why would it be so hard to accept that her soul lives on and that your soul lives on and that they sometimes intersect? Don’t you still feel the same love for her that you always did?”

  “Of course I do, but—”

  “But like all of us you struggle with faith, and God understands that and forgives us for that—as He does all of our mistakes, much in the way a loving parent will forgive her child over and over. So, trust that this is true, and, if you do, it will become easier over time for the two of you to find each other.”

  Carolyn took a leap of faith. “Joanna, when we met you said that Rachel had spoken with you. Did she? Do you know where she is? Is she at peace?”

  “Yes, yes, and yes. The first time she spoke with me directly, you and I were in the same room with her.”

  “How can that be? We were never together with Rachel!” Carolyn feared that if Joanna could be mistaken about such an obvious fact, then perhaps everything she had told them was wrong. Mitch was shocked at Carolyn’s vehement response.

  Joanna smiled at the confusion she had caused.

  “I’m sorry for sounding so mysterious, Carolyn. Let me explain. The day we three were together was the day Rachel and Evan were buried. I decided to attend the service because I knew the pastor would need encouragement.”

  “You were in the church that day?”

  “Yes, I was. Sitting in the very last pew, near the center aisle.”

  “And Rachel spoke with you? What did she say?”

  “She told me to thank you for saying such nice things at her service and that she was very proud of you.”

  And then she added, “You know that Rachel was standing next to you at the altar, don’t you?”

  “I did have that feeling at the time, but I was afraid to believe it.”

  “And you know that she sometimes speaks with you in your dreams?”

  Mitch interjected, “You’ve told me that, honey.”

  “Yes, she does come to me in a dream. I see her walking with Evan. Holding hands and walking together. They look like they’re at a beach or someplace near water.”

  “That’s because she wants you to know that she and Evan are safe, and at peace, and she wants you to move on with your life and enjoy yourself.”

  Carolyn dabbed her eyes. She was hearing so much; it was hard to take it all in. But something was bothering her and she had to get it out.

  “Joanna, I really appreciate what you are doing for us, and I don’t want you to think I doubt you, but I was thinking last night about what you said the other day.”

  “Said about what?”

  “You said you knew about my praying so much, that God had heard my prayers and sent you. If that’s true, I don’t get why . . . why He’d care enough to send someone to help me get over my grief but would allow something so horrible to happen in the first place. If God cares enough to help someone who’s grieving, why didn’t he stop Danny?”

  Mitch excitedly jumped in. “That’s the big question, isn’t it? Why did Danny do what he did? I hardly ever saw him without a smile on his face. I knew him for a long time and never once saw him lose his temper. He did do some things he shouldn’t have, like cheat on Rachel, and he didn’t work that hard, or manage his finances, things like that. But to actually murder your wife and child! Where was God then? I just can’t believe it!”

  “Okay, Mitch. I know you’re upset, and you have a right to be. I know you’ve had a burning desire to learn the answer to these questions, and I have a great deal to tell you about what happened that night, and I will tell you soon, but I ask that you slow down and do one thing first.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I want you to finally forgive yourself.” The instant she said the word “forgive,” she reached across the table and gently touched the middle of his forehead with two fingers.

  Mitch felt a jolt at her touch. In the time it took for a single beat of a pulse, the blame, guilt, and shame he’d been carrying about the murders seemed to be lifted. He instinctively reached out to touch Carolyn.

  “So, Carolyn, do you have any of the same thoughts Mitch has had? Do you think that in some way you are to blame?”

  Carolyn nodded, and could hardly speak at first, but finally blurted out, “Rachel didn’t tell me everything, but she told me enough. I just didn’t try hard enough. I was going to have dinner with her that night, but I didn’t even bother to call her back after she left her last message.”

  “Carolyn, would you like to know what Rachel has to say about that?”

  She gasped, put her hand to her mouth, and nodded.

  “She wants both of you to know that Danny did what he did because he was betrayed by the Devil, and that neither of you are to blame, and neither is Danny. But in order to understand that, I have to explain what happened that night. Do you want me to continue?”

  “Okay,” they answered in unison. Mitch couldn’t comprehend why Danny was not to blame, but he certainly could not stop Joanna at this point, though nothing could prepare him for what he was about to learn.

  Joanna took a deep breath and appeared to be listening to a distant voice. She rolled her head slightly and began. Mitch started to ask a question, but she quickly shook her palm toward him to warn him off. Her demeanor had completely changed.

  “Danny’s easygoing nature was a mask for passivity and was the result of deep-seated fears . . . fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, and, in the end, fear of not being loved. That’s what drove him always to be ‘nice’ so that he would always be liked. But Danny, as we all do, had plenty of anger. The fact that he wore a mask to disguise it didn’t make it any less powerful or real; in fact, keeping it hidden only made it all the more explosive when it finally came out, which anger always, inevitably will. You might say he was like a volcano that finally erupted.

  “Because he thought of himself as unworthy, he tried to compensate by lying, cheating, and pretending to be something he wasn’t. At times, he fought with the Devil, but he lost again and again for many years.

  “He lost because he didn’t fight his desires. He did not pursue Godly wishes. He made gods of the earth. And since no man can serve two gods, Danny had to choose.

  “Danny stopped trusting God. Without trust, there is no faith. If we trust God, and allow the seeds to be planted, our faith grows . . .

  “Satan tempts us with our own imperfections. He lures us through our wounds, our shame, and our self-doubts. He has no power on his own but uses those imperfections—our human frailties—against us.

  “Danny forgot that he had the love and support of his Creator and the people in his life. Then he began to let the Devil seep into the caverns of his mind. Over that time Satan established a foothold in Danny’s mind and once that darkness came over him, all his hope was gone.

  “We do have free will. Yes, we do make mistakes. Yes, we all experience darkness. But yet, we are given fai
th. We’re given hope. God is the heartbeat of mankind.”

  With that, Joanna went silent. Mitch and Carolyn looked at each other, but had no idea what to do next. Eventually Carolyn summoned the courage to speak up.

  “Joanna, are you okay?”

  She nodded her head, and indicated she was, but kept her eyes closed. “Would you like me to continue?” she asked. “Do you want me to tell you what really happened that night?”

  “Joanna, if you know,” Mitch said, “then tell us, so we can at least try to understand.”

  She opened her eyes and looked at them for the first time in several minutes. “Are you sure?”

  They were shocked by her question, and neither Mitch nor Carolyn knew what to say, so they sat mute.

  She was clearly in great pain. “I’m sorry. This is bringing it all back. And each time I go through something like this, it steals a part of me. I want to help you to understand, so you can begin to heal, but you must promise me that you will trust that what I’m going to tell you is the truth, even though in the natural it will not make sense. You must promise to use what I’m going to tell you to spread the message of hope and forgiveness despite the fact you will be scorned and ridiculed.”

  Mitch and Carolyn agreed despite the fact they didn’t truly understand what they were agreeing to. Mitch prodded her slightly.

  “Joanna, if you’re ready to continue . . .”

  A cloud passed before the sun; the brilliant morning was washed in gray and the air turned chilly. Joanna hesitated. It was as if some force in the garden was trying to prevent her from speaking. As before, her expression changed: the lightness was swept away and was replaced by a pained expression. She took a deep breath and began again.

  “Listen carefully.”

  Then silence. She seemed to be trying to hear a faint voice, to watch something though her eyes were squeezed shut. She spoke slowly and carefully at first.

  “Two angels appeared at Danny’s bedside the night before and said, ‘Do not do what you are about to do.’ Those angels attempted to convert Danny’s thinking, to show him there was another way. But Satan’s powerful lure was impossible for Danny to resist.

  “At that moment he was given the opportunity to choose between darkness and light. In his confusion, it was the darkness that appeared to be the truth.

  “I said, ‘We always have free will, Danny.’ That’s what I tried to remind him of, but I knew he wouldn’t listen.

  “All through the next day he struggled with his decision. I seized the opportunity to push him toward the light. I prayed intently all day and all that night. At one point, that night, very late, he decided to forget the plan, and told that young man in the garage that he was only joking. For a moment I thought we had won. Then the darkness overtook him, pushed him toward the lamp, and shouted, ‘Just cut the cord, Danny. Just cut the cord so you will be prepared. You can decide what to do later.’

  “But the instant he sliced the cord and picked up the lamp, he was prodded up the stairs. The dark shadow stood behind him and whispered in his ear, ‘It’s too late Danny; the cord is cut.’ He swung the lamp at his side and the cord dragged on the steps. Then he stood outside the door. Now the darkness gave him one last nudge: ‘Danny, it’s too late to turn back. How would you explain cutting the cord to Rachel?’

  “It works a million times a day all over the world. A tiny nub of truth that makes a lie seem real.

  “After Rachel, he lashed out at Evan. He was told he was doing the best thing for his sons, and he believed it. This was too much for me! I begged God to stop him, and fell to my knees, and perhaps I was heard. I will never know for sure.

  “I’m sorry to have to tell you he was on his way to kill Christopher, too, when finally God sent an angel who blocked Christopher’s doorway and told Danny, ‘Stop! No more! Stop! You are not taking this one!’ It was those words that brought Danny to his senses and caused him to spare Christopher.”

  Joanna put her head in her hands and began to weep. Mitch and Carolyn jumped up to comfort her, thanking her not just for today, but for what she had done that night. She looked exhausted, but quickly began to recover. A breeze swept through the garden and chimes softly sang. The clouds moved past the sun and the summer warmth returned with a passion.

  Joanna looked up at them and wanly smiled. “Thank you, but please stop fussing over me. I’m fine.”

  She reached into a bucket of gardening tools that sat next to her, found a pair of clippers, walked to the edge of the garden, and selected a brilliant white rose.

  “Please take this. I want the two of you to have it. I ask only that when you arrive home, you turn to Luke 23:34 in your Bible and place it between those pages forevermore. It’s a symbol of innocence and purity, and it’s meant as a reminder that love is truth and will always conquer darkness.

  “What I’m about to tell you is the part of the story you will probably find incomprehensible, upsetting, and possibly even reprehensible. That’s because it’s the complete opposite of what most cultures believe and what you have been taught your entire life. All I ask is that you keep an open mind and ask God to guide you to an answer. If you choose to accept it, then perhaps this rose will provide you with the courage and wisdom to share this story with others.”

  A few moments later, Joanna seemed restored to the vibrant woman who had greeted them earlier that morning. Her green eyes had regained their sparkle and the color had returned to her cheeks. She smiled mischievously, and then reached behind her head to release the ribbon that held her ponytail in place, shaking her head like a schoolgirl to reveal her magnificent mane of pure white hair.

  Now she spoke with the excitement and alacrity of someone with very good news to share.

  “I know this will be hard to accept, especially for you, Mitch . . . and yet I believe it is absolutely true. As I said, it will throw into doubt everything you’ve ever been taught. But as I alluded to before, this is not something you can understand when viewing from a human or a conventional mind.

  “Please try to look at what I am about to tell you from God’s point of view. God sees from the inside out and He understands with perfect truth. He loves from the heart, not the flesh. And only God truly knows what is inside a man’s heart. He can see all of the good and all of the bad.”

  Mitch suspected he knew where she was going, and Joanna was certainly right about one thing. He didn’t like it.

  “He has said, ‘This man is your brother. I’ve forgiven him and you should as well. If you expect to be forgiven, then you must learn to forgive him. He is here with me.’”

  Joanna then added, “I understand that this is hard to swallow, but it is the truth of God.”

  Mitch had listened respectfully until that point, but he couldn’t contain himself any longer.

  “So, Joanna, if I understand you correctly, you’re telling us that Danny is in heaven? Or rather, you’re telling us that God has told you that Danny is in heaven, despite the fact he murdered his wife and son and then committed suicide?”

  Joanna noticed that Mitch had pushed the rose to one side of the table. He rolled his eyes and glared at Carolyn, who said, “Joanna, is that really what you’re telling us?”

  “Yes, that’s really what I’m telling you.”

  Carolyn watched Mitch do his furrowed-brow thing, and knew he was about to drill down into the details. At moments like this he wasn’t always the soul of tact, and so she kicked him under the table, which seemed to do the trick.

  “Okay, Joanna, please don’t take this the wrong way, but why would God allow a murderer into heaven? Particularly one who then took his own life?”

  Joanna thought before answering, because she knew from experience that this detail was simply beyond the capability of most people to comprehend or accept.

  “Mitch, when Danny went to the ravine, he was filled with remorse. After killing Evan, particularly, he could not forgive himself, and then the same demons that had just pushed him to comm
it these horrendous acts turned on him, viciously accusing him of having done one of the worst things any man could do.”

  “Well, they were right!” Mitch said.

  “But Danny asked God to forgive him. He begged to be forgiven, calling out to Jesus to show mercy despite the fact he couldn’t forgive himself and took his own life.”

  Before Mitch could respond, Joanna leaned in close and whispered, “At the very instant of death he was taken into heaven.”

  Joanna sat back and looked at them with great sympathy, trying to find the words that would at least give them the willingness to consider what she knew to be the truth. “Danny, like all of us, was a child of God. He was a sinner, as we are, but his Father loved him nonetheless and brought him back home. God does not view sin in different levels. That is a creation of man.”

  Mitch was far from convinced, and a part of him wanted simply to get up and leave. He could feel a sense of indignation at being asked to believe something that every fiber of his being screamed was wrong. It could only have been through some form of divine intervention that his thoughts failed to reach his lips before Carolyn spoke up with a more thoughtful reply.

  “Joanna, truthfully, we’re not ready to accept this. I know you are just asking that we keep an open mind, and we’ll do that. I can’t deny that something wonderful has happened over the last few days. My heart has been lifted. While I still miss Rachel terribly, and will always grieve for her, I now know that she is still with me and for that I will always be grateful. But, if I’m not mistaken, you said before that Rachel had forgiven Danny.”

  “That’s right. She has, and so has Evan.”

  Joanna looked down at her hands and then back up at each of them in turn. “I understand how you feel. But I want you to consider something. And perhaps it will help you to understand the power of forgiveness. You can remain angry at Danny, you can hate him, you can hope he will rot in hell and be punished for the rest of eternity. That’s your choice. But then you will stay trapped in your anger and be imprisoned by your own emotions because of a desire to see another person suffer. Ask yourself: do you want to be guided by hate, or by love?”