The Cowboy's Baby: Devlin Brothers Ranch

by Joanna Bell

  Without thinking, I reached out to touch her shoulder but she slapped my hand away.

  "Get your hand off me! As if – as if you don't know who that is!"

  I genuinely wasn't sure if I was hearing her correctly. Her words were coming out unevenly, her voice rising and falling. She was hysterical. She was hysterical! The one person who did not have the right to be losing their shit in that situation was losing their shit.

  Also – what was she implying? That I knew who the kid was? That I should have known?

  "What?" I said, blinking. "Hailey – what? What are you talking about? Why should I – I mean – just tell me who this is, goddamnit! Tell me who –"

  "It's Brody!" She shouted. "Brody Nickerson. He's 5 years old. He likes mac and cheese and dinosaurs. He's your son!"

  I knew it. Even before she said it, I already knew it. But I still found my head filled with a sudden loud buzzing sound when I heard those 3 words come out of Hailey's mouth:

  He's your son.

  My son? Hailey had a baby? My baby?

  And she didn't even tell me?

  I couldn't talk. It was too much information to process, too huge a wrong to comprehend. I got up from the sofa, walked into the kitchen and then walked back into the living room and sat back down again.

  And the whole time, she watched me. When I looked at her, hoping for some kind of explanation, her expression lacked any kind of sympathy. Was she a monster the whole time? Did I miss it somehow?

  A few minutes passed. And then, just as I was on the verge of asking her the only question I could think of – why? – she spoke first.

  "I knew this was a bad idea," she said, her eyes dark with something that could have been hate. She said that too, didn't she? That she thought she might hate me? You would have to, wouldn't you? You would have to hate someone to keep their own child a secret from them. "In the bathroom just now, I was thinking about what a bad idea this was. A spectacularly bad idea, you know what I mean? And now I have to deal with this? With you sitting there acting like you're surprised!"

  What the fuck was she talking about?

  "I mean, you know that pregnant women sometimes have babies, right?" She continued. I had never heard Hailey's voice so icy and sarcastic. "I'm just asking. You know that's how it works, don't you?"

  I blinked, stunned to the point of almost total incomprehension. She had to be lying. It was a trick of some kind. I didn't have a son.

  But she didn't look like she was joking.

  "I have a kid?" I said, more to myself than to Hailey. "I – but why – why wouldn't you –"

  Maybe it wasn't a joke. Maybe it was a dream. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears. Then I opened them again. Everything looked the same. Hailey was still there, staring at me with a combination of disbelief and fury.

  Not a dream.

  "I have a kid?" I repeated. "Hailey – I have a kid?"

  She nodded. "Yeah, Jackson. You do."

  "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you –"

  "I tried. I called you and messaged you so many –"

  "No you didn't," I cut her off, remembering the total lack of messages and calls from her in the days leading up to my departure from Sweetgrass Ridge. "NO YOU DIDN'T!"

  The rage boiled up inside me as fresh as it was on the day I threw my phone into the Yellowhead River. She left me. She abandoned me without a warning, without an apology – with nothing. That was bad enough. It was so bad I still wasn't over it over 5 years later.

  And now I had a kid? I stood up and walked into the kitchen again, afraid if I stayed in the living room with her I was going to put my fist through the wall.

  "Yes I did!" She called after me. "Are you kidding me right now? I called you so many times, Jackson! You blocked me! And then your phone was –"

  I strode back into the living room. "What?" I shouted? "I – what? I blocked you? No I – no. That didn't happen. I was messaging YOU, Hailey. I was –"

  I broke off suddenly at the memory of my dad handing me my phone that day in the trailer, after my bender.

  Why did he have your phone? Why was he even in your trailer?

  The answer was immediately obvious. Everything about those few days before I left suddenly made sense. Cillian – that traitorous asshole – showing up out of the blue with a whole bottle of whiskey. The way the atmosphere in the house was so strange that day when they told me they were giving me the money to build my own house on the property – and a share of the Devlin Ranch.

  They were in on whatever went down. All of them. They fucked me.

  An awful feeling of hollowness filled my chest, like my soul had just been sucked out.

  "But I messaged you," I repeated hopelessly. "Even before Cillian came over I messaged you and you didn't respond. Where were you? Why didn't you –"

  Hailey was shaking her head. "I did. I did, Jackson. Me and my mom drove to Seattle the day I found out I was pregnant and I messaged you the next morning. You never got back to me. I needed you! I needed to talk to you so much and you never replied! And then a couple of weeks later your number was disconnected. I swear I don't know what you're talking about right now. I tried to contact you so many times! And then a few months later my mom told me Darcy came over and said you knew I might be pregnant and –"

  I held up my hand. Hailey was talking quickly, the words rushing out of her mouth like she was afraid of them – but I heard every single one. She was lying. She had to be lying. Nothing she was saying made sense.

  "Darcy?" I asked. "But – how did Darcy know you were pregnant? How did –"

  "Someone saw me buying pregnancy tests at Ruger's Pharmacy. I don't know who, but it was Sweetgrass Ridge – are you even surprised? And then Darcy came over to my mom's house and threatened her! Said if we didn't leave town your family was going to make things hard for us. She said you knew I might be pregnant and you didn't want anything to do with it – or with me."

  I pressed my lips together so hard I tasted blood. Then I looked out the window, because I couldn't look at Hailey.

  "Is this a joke?" I asked. "Just tell me if this is a joke because I feel like – I feel like it has to be. Darcy went to your house and told you I didn't want anything to do with you and you – you believed her? Jesus, Hailey. That was really –"

  "NO!" She shrieked, smacking her hand on the coffee table. "No, Jackson! That isn't what happened! She came to talk to my mom – I didn't even find out about it until months later!"

  Finally, I looked at her. "So you just left because – because why? You knew I didn't know you were pregnant and you still –"

  "I left because I had to! My mom called the Fischer Institute – I found out I got in on that same day I found out I was pregnant – and told them what was going on. They said they would work with me and I could keep my scholarship and all that but I had to attend for the summer semester. They –"

  "So you did leave to go to school?" I replied, cutting her off. "You did. Because fuck me, right? I was just the dumb asshole who loved you. I was just the father of your baby."

  Hailey took a deep breath and put her head in her hands. "You're not even letting me finish. I am trying to explain what happened and you –"

  "So finish then!" I barked. "Finish explaining how this is all fine and you didn't fuck up at all!"

  "I WENT TO NEW YORK BECAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN THINK IT WOULD BE A BIG DEAL!" She screamed, jumping to her feet. "I was stupid, OK? I was naive! I get that now, believe me. But I thought I would just call you and explain what happened and you might be a little upset with me but we would work it out! How was I supposed to know you were never going to take any of my calls? How was I supposed to know you were going to block me? I loved you, Jackson! Why wouldn't I trust that we could work it out? You told me yourself that if I got into Fischer you might come with –"

  "I didn't block you, though," I said quietly, again thinking back to those lost days at the ranch. To Cillian and th
at bottle of whiskey. To my dad handing me my phone. To the message that popped up before I threw my phone into the river, saying Hailey's number was blocked. What if she wasn't the one who blocked it? My brother was good with computers – and phones. It would have been easy for my dad to get him to block Hailey's number and make it look like it came from her end, or delete any messages she may have sent me while I was blacked out.

  And was that even it? Was that all they did? Did they fucking drug me or hit me over the head with a two-by-four or pour liquor down my throat for days so I wouldn't try to stop Hailey leaving? If Darcy knew Hailey might be pregnant, she definitely told my dad. And I knew how my dad felt about the girl who worked at the Super Mart.

  "I didn't block you," I said again. "I – I think maybe my dad did. I think maybe they fucked with my phone. I thought you blocked me."

  She shook her head. "No. Definitely not. Didn't you wonder why I wasn't responding?"

  "Yeah," I told her, my voice flat with shock. "I did. I went to your condo to find you and it was empty. Some guy was in there cleaning up and he said you went to New York. He said you were gone. I thought you left me. Don't you see how I would have thought that?"

  Hailey had her arms curled around her knees and an expression of disbelief on her face, like she still wasn't convinced I was telling the truth. Like she wasn't convinced I was telling the truth!

  "So why did you disconnect your number then?"

  I sighed. "I didn't. I threw my phone into the Yellowhead River. I thought you left me – do you understand that? There was nothing left for me in Sweetgrass Ridge without you. I was so fucking pissed off and hurt – I think I did it as a fuck you. To show you I didn't need you. Or to show myself I didn't need you. I did it the day I left, on my way out here to California."

  We both went quiet after that. It was all too much to take in.

  "Did you really have a kid?" I asked about 10 minutes later.

  Hailey nodded. "Yes."

  That was the part I couldn't deal with. Everything else could be forced to make a kind of sense. But not that.

  "Doesn't he want to know who his dad is? Doesn't he ask about –"

  "He's only started asking recently."

  "And what did you tell him?"

  "I told him he has a daddy but not the kind that lives with us. He's too young to –"

  "But doesn't that bother you?" I cut in. "Don't you think that's wrong?"

  Hailey looked up sharply. "Didn't I just explain to you what happened?"

  She was right. She did explain. So did I. But here's the thing. I didn't have a child Hailey didn't know about. And if I did, I was pretty goddamned sure I would have tried a little harder to let her know.

  "But don't you think he has a right to know me?" I continued. "Don't you think I have a right? What were you planning to tell him? That I was dead? That –"

  "Jackson, I thought you didn't want me! I thought you dumped –"

  "But that's about you!" I replied, getting heated again. "I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about him. I'm saying you should have contacted me. You should have told me."

  "But I tried –"

  "YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED HARDER!"

  The more I thought about it, the more convinced I was – and the angrier I felt. On the surface, it looked like our situations were the same. It looked like the misunderstandings were mutual, like neither of us were at fault. I thought she left me and I was wrong. She thought I left her and she was wrong. But she knew she was pregnant. I didn't. She knew I had a kid. I didn't. The responsibility to let me know – even if she did think I dumped her – that was hers. It couldn't be mine, because I didn't know. She did. She knew.

  Hailey eyed me. "It was a really hard time," she said eventually. "I'm not sure you understand how hard it was to have a newborn and –"

  "You didn't give me a chance to understand. You didn't –"

  "But I told you!" She cried. "I told you about Darcy! She told my mom you knew I might be pregnant and –"

  "You're a fucking idiot if you believed anything Darcy Devlin said!"

  Hailey cringed away from me, like my words had caused her physical pain. She swallowed. She was trying not to cry. "Maybe you're right," she whispered. "But I still don't think you understand what that time was like for me. Brody was only a few weeks old and I was really exhausted. When my mom told me about –"

  "You know what?" I interrupted. "Why don't you just save it? There's nothing you can say to me right now that would make this OK, do you get that? You could have found me, Hailey. You know how to use the internet. You could have told me I had a kid and you didn't. That's on you. He's 5, did you say? 5 years old? That's 5 years you took from him – from your own kid. 5 years you stole!"

  I knew my words were hurting her. It was fucked up because at the time I thought she deserved it. All the hurt and pain of her absence just came pouring out of me as vindictive anger. I knew I was punishing her. I wanted to punish her.

  She stopped fighting back after I said that. I saw her considering it, and then I saw her recognizing that it would be useless to try. She got up slowly and gathered a few of her things.

  "You're leaving?" I snapped, pissed off at myself for the desperate urge to beg her not to.

  She shrugged. "What else am I supposed to do?"

  I was torn between wanting to keep yelling at her, wanting to make it even clearer how badly I thought she fucked up, and wanting to scoop her up in my arms and hold her as she wept. It wasn't my best day.

  "I want to see him. Don't – don't think you can just walk out of here. I want to see my son!"

  Hailey's shoulders sagged. When she responded, her voice was so quiet I could barely hear what she was saying. "Yeah. I understand."

  "You should get a lawyer, because you better damn well believe I'm going to get one. I hope you don't think you can just keep me away from my own –"

  "I said I understand. I won't keep you away from him. That was never what I wanted. I just –" she turned to face me then, her eyes filled with pain – "I just hope you'll be kinder to him than you're being to me."

  Before I could reply, she slipped out the door and closed it, leaving me alone in my apartment.

  Chapter 28: Jackson

  As soon as Hailey was gone I walked into the kitchen again in a daze. The apartment felt strange, like I was in one of those dreams where everything seems normal until you realize your legs aren't working properly, or the window in your childhood bedroom looks out onto a street you don't recognize.

  The ghosts of Hailey's frantic kisses still lingered on my lips, the scent of her sex on my fingers.

  I poured a glass of water and walked back into the living room. When I lifted the glass to my mouth, I found that my hands were shaking. Not just my hands – my whole body. My teeth chattered audibly, a sound that immediately brought back memories of Montana winters and early mornings.

  Did that just happen?

  It did, I told myself, looking around the room as if for souvenirs of her visit – a forgotten scarf, or a single strand of her long, dark hair.

  It did happen. And I have a son. A son she kept from me.

  A memory of the image on Hailey's phone came back to my mind. A smiling boy, blue-eyed and mischievous looking, just as I was in so many photos from my own childhood.

  I managed to get the glass to my lips and take a few gulps. Then I pulled out my phone and brought Lacey's number up on the screen.

  No. I couldn't call her. Not in the state I was in.

  I rubbed my eyes, drained in every way it was possible to be drained.

  I needed to talk to someone. I needed to go over everything with another human being. I needed to know I wasn't going crazy to find myself completely unable to reconcile the woman I loved and would probably always love with the woman who kept a father from his son – and a son from his father – for so many years.

  But my life in Los Angeles was not the same as my previous life in Sweetgrass Ridge, Mon
tana. I was not the captain of the football team or the prom king or the firstborn son of the town's richest man in L.A. I had a few acquaintances, guys I knew from Sea Vista. But I didn't have friends, really. None except Lacey.

  I had to do something, though. Something other than smashing up my own apartment in a guilt-ridden rage.

  So I made a list. I sat on the sofa alternating between staring out the window and staring down at my phone.

  Three hours later my list was as follows:

  1. Ask Lacey about a lawyer.

  2.

  3.

  At just past 3 in the morning and with sleep still determined to evade me, I got hard again thinking about Hailey. It was stupid to have sex with her. Like resetting the clock on the healing of a wound that still, after 5 years, hadn't really scabbed over.

  But what was I supposed to do? Say no? Resist? I grimly laughed out loud at the mere thought of such an impossibility as I wrapped my hand around my cock and stroked myself to orgasm. It didn't take long. All I had to do was think about the trembling, pleading note that would sneak into her voice when she was close, or the way her hips pitched forward when she came.

  I crawled into my unmade bed at dawn and eventually fell into a restless, dreamless sleep.

  Chapter 29: Hailey

  When I got back to New York I went straight home. My mother, who was sitting on the sofa when I walked in, held one finger up to her lips and gestured towards the bedroom.

  "Brody's napping," she whispered, getting up to give me a hug. "I made macaroni and cheese. Do you want some? I just took it out of the oven a half hour ago so it's still warn if –" She paused, sensing from the stiffness of my body that something was wrong. "Are you OK? I know the show went well, because I was on social media following what people were –"

  "Mom."

  She stopped and looked at me. "Is something wrong?"

  I slung my purse off my shoulder, set it down on the table and slumped into a kitchen chair.