The Cowboy's Baby: Devlin Brothers Ranch

by Joanna Bell

  And as ever, the anger was actually hurt in disguise. He was still acting like everything was my fault. It stuck in my throat like a fishbone I couldn't get rid of no matter how hard I coughed.

  "I was actually calling to tell you I might be open to the idea of him coming out to California," I replied haughtily. "Of the two of us coming out, I mean."

  "What?" Jackson replied. "Here? I don't have room for –"

  "Look," I cut in irritably. "I get it, OK? I get that you'll burst into flames if you have to spend more than five minutes with me, but –"

  "Hailey, it's not –"

  "Let me finish! I just called to talk to you, OK Jackson? To make plans. To figure it out. Believe me, I don't want to spend Christmas with you any more than you want to spend it with me – this is about our son. He was talking about it this week and I guess I just thought why not?"

  "Uh. Really?"

  "Yes, really. I can figure out my own accommodation."

  "Alone?"

  I chuckled. "Oh don't feel sorry for me. A couple of days alone would be an unimaginable luxury. And if not maybe my mom or Lili can come with and we'll have a California Christmas of our own."

  "Uh – yeah. Yeah. That sounds good. Let me – I need to talk to someone first. I want to do this but I just need to figure out some details. Can I call you tomorrow?"

  "Sure," I replied. "I'm tired anyway – and I have an early morning. I better get to bed."

  "OK."

  "OK. Bye."

  "Hail–"

  I ended the call even though I'd heard him start to say my name. In the dark, my face lit only by the glow of my phone, I whispered the words 'you're welcome, jerk' at the screen. But instead of making me feel brave, as they were supposed to, they just made my eyes blur with tears I immediately blinked away.

  Why couldn't he be nice to me? Not all the time. Just... sometimes. Me calling to make Christmas arrangements would have been the perfect time. But no, he still had to use that businesslike tone with me, as if we were two work colleagues making plans for our presentation the next day.

  I turned the phone off and lay back in bed. Maybe the businesslike thing was appropriate? After all, what even were Jackson and I to each other? Co-parents, nothing more. The sex in his apartment was just a blip. A mistake. And I really needed to get my shit together and stop wasting so much mental energy over someone who clearly got over me years ago.

  Chapter 33: Jackson

  It was odd, feeling embarrassed about my 'circumstances.' My childhood was bleak in some ways – but never the material ones. My family wasn't just well off, we were straight up rich. Christmases took place in the great room with the huge picture windows that looked out over the snowy, jagged Rockies in the distance. Professionally wrapped gifts would be piled shoulder-high, often almost obscuring the Christmas tree by the time the day itself arrived.

  When my mother was alive she did the cooking, theatrically shooing us out of the kitchen if we, attracted by the delicious smells, made the mistake of wandering in. After she died, my dad and Darcy just started hiring private chefs to come in and prepare Christmas dinner for us.

  I was used to abundance as a child. Used to too much. Used to everything looking perfect.

  And now it looked like maybe I was going to have my smart, funny, gorgeous kid for the holidays. Was I really going to subject him to my dismal little apartment?

  No. Fuck that. He deserved better. I called Lacey the same night I talked to Hailey. And because Lacey was Lacey, I didn't even have to ask if I could use her guesthouse for Brody's visit because as soon as she heard I was going to have him for Christmas she invited both of us to spend it with her.

  "I'm hosting my usual Orphan Christmas," she laughed. "Are you telling me you might actually accept my invitation this time?"

  Orphan Christmas. Every year my big-hearted boss hosted a huge gathering for all the divorced people and loners and those with family living halfway across the world – or those with no family at all – amongst her huge, sprawling group of friends. Every year, she invited me. And every year, I turned her down.

  Too proud to admit to anything like loneliness or needing the company of other humans, my habit was to drive my truck up to Lake Tahoe and spend Christmas and the few days surrounding it on the slopes. It wasn't even an awful time, despite what you might think. I got my yearly dose of snow and cold and returned to Los Angeles refreshed and sunburned, ready to take on the new year.

  "I think so," I told Lacey. "It's cool if Brody comes?"

  "Of course it is! His mother is welcome, too. You can have the guesthouse so we don't keep the little one awake with our carousing."

  I coughed. "That sounds good. That sounds great. Thank you. He's going to love it."

  "So...?"

  I knew exactly the information she was waiting for. Lacey had a gentle soul and I did not know her to be pushy or controlling with anyone. But she seemed to have some strange sympathy for Hailey – a woman she had never met – that I didn't quite understand.

  "She won't be into that," I replied. "She, uh – yeah. She's going to do her own thing."

  "But she'll be in town, right?"

  "Uh-huh. She'd never let Brody fly alone."

  "Well the offer's open if plans change. Brody won't be the only kid there, either. Dahlia's got 7 year old twins and I think Crystal has a daughter around the same age? Either way, your boy won't need to spend all his time with the boring grown-ups."

  I had no idea who Dahlia or Crystal were. Lacey had a habit of collecting humans like other people collect seashells or ceramic unicorns or whatever it is people collect. Fortunately, she also had a knack for reading intentions and discerning the malevolent from the simply lost or lonely.

  When I went to bed that night, I almost felt happy. My first Christmas with Brody.

  It was only as I began to drift off to sleep that I realized that my tentative happiness was cut with worry. I had to make the holidays fun for my son. I had to fill his head with memories he would be happy to look back on as a grown man.

  It had been a long time since I felt that way about someone else. Since I felt that strange sensation of genuinely giving a shit about a person other than myself. In fact it had only happened one other time in my adult life – with Hailey.

  ***

  Three days before Christmas, I met Hailey and our son at LAX. He was pink-cheeked and excitable, chatting away at me before I even picked him up in my arms and spun him around.

  "Daddy!"

  "What is it, kid?"

  "That was so fast!"

  "I can't give airplane rides as good as you," Hailey said, smiling tightly. She was dressed more casually than I was used to seeing her, in jeans and a bright pink hoodie that made her look like the teenage girl I used to know.

  "Is that true?" I asked Brody. "Are Mommy's airplane rides boring?"

  But instead of laughing, which is what I expected, he turned to look worriedly at his mother and then back at me. "Uh –"

  "It's OK," Hailey laughed, stroking his hair. "Daddy is stronger than me. But I bet my chocolate chip cookies kick his chocolate chip cookies in the butt."

  "Mommy!" Brody whispered, scandalized. "You said butt!"

  It was the perfect pre-Christmas family scene. Except we weren't a family in any real sense, and I was already annoyed.

  "What's wrong with you?" Hailey asked as we had a moment out of earshot of the kid, loading her luggage into the truck.

  "Nothing."

  "Right. OK. Well we only just got here so whatever it is I hope you can get over it."

  She moved to walk away and I reached out without thinking and grabbed her, pulling her back towards me.

  "Hey!" She snapped, yanking her arm out of my grip and lowering her voice before continuing. "What are you doing? Let go of me!"

  "What was that all about?" I hissed, glancing at Brody to make sure he wasn't listening in.

  "What was what all about?"

  "That bullshi
t back there about the airplane rides."

  "What bullshit?" She shot back, doing her best to look like she didn't have any idea what I was talking about.

  I realized, as I responded, that my heart was nearly pounding out of my chest. I was furious. Way more furious than was warranted. Not that I saw it that way at the time.

  "Why did he look at you like that?" I blustered. "Why was he worried about saying your airplane rides weren't as good as mine?"

  Hailey took a step back and stared at me for a few seconds. "Are you being serious right now? He wasn't worried, Jackson. He's just conscious of people's feelings. He didn't want to hurt mine. It's a good thing he's like that, you know. He certainly didn't get it from you."

  She marched around to the other side of the truck.

  "Hailey. Hailey!" I yelled, but she was already busy getting Brody into his car seat. I took a deep breath, walked back around to the driver's side and got in.

  "Daddy?"

  "What is it, kid?"

  "Are you angry?"

  "No," I lied right to my son's face. "No. I'm not angry. I'm just – tired."

  "You should have a nap."

  I looked out the window, pissed off at myself for losing my cool over nothing. "Maybe I should."

  ***

  "Whoa," Brody said as I pulled into the small parking lot outside the main building at Sea Vista Ranch. "Daddy! Horses!"

  "I know," I laughed as he stared out of the dusty truck window, wide-eyed. "I told you there were horses here. We can go for a ride later, if you want."

  My son turned to me, then back to the horses, then back to me. "I don't know about that, Daddy."

  That was his mother's voice. 100% Hailey Nickerson, right down to the inflection. I don't know about that, Daddy.

  An unwelcome memory intruded on my consciousness. Hailey and me driving back into town after spending all afternoon at the canyon making love in the truck, and me suggesting she could do a shift at the Super Mart without showering, even though we both smelled like sex.

  I don't know about that, Jackson.

  Another memory: Hailey chastising me for going out to check on the cattle in January wearing only a jean jacket and no gloves. Me telling her they were in the closest pasture, that it would be fine.

  I don't know about that, Jackson.

  "What's wrong, Daddy?"

  We were still sitting in the truck.

  "Nothing," I replied. "Do you want to see the horses?"

  ***

  On the day before Christmas, I managed to get my city-raised son onto a horse for the first time. He was wary of them, but not afraid. When Lacey lifted him up to me and I put him in the saddle in front of me, he took one look down at the ground and let out a whimper.

  "Don't worry," Lacey smiled up at him. "Your daddy won't let you fall. And even if you did, look – the ground is very soft. It wouldn't hurt at all!"

  Brody twisted around in the saddle and looked at me for reassurance.

  "It's true," I said. "I won't let you fall."

  ***

  "So will I be meeting Hailey tomorrow?"

  We were in the tack room, telling Brody what everything was called and where everything went. Maybe it was the season, maybe it was the fact that my son had just been on his first ride – I don't know, but I was feeling a little sentimental.

  "I don't think so," I replied, suddenly conscious of Brody standing very still and paying close attention to the conversation. "She's got her own plans."

  "Of course," Lacey said, handing a curry comb to Brody and pointing out which hook to hang it on. "I just thought maybe a short visit, after the main meal? I'm sure she would love to see the ranch."

  I'm not sure Hailey Nickerson gives a flying fuck about the ranch.

  "I don't think it's a good –"

  "Is Mommy coming to visit us tomorrow?" Brody cut in, his childish joy at the idea of his mother paying us a visit unconcealed. "I can show her the horses!"

  I looked down at my son's hopeful face and then up at my boss. The two of them couldn't have caught me at a better moment if they'd planned it. Besides, I told myself, she would probably say no anyway. And then at least she would be the bad guy, not me.

  "Why not?" I replied, shrugging. "It can't hurt to ask."

  "Wonderful," Lacey smiled, ruffling Brody's hair. "She's welcome to come for Christmas dinner too, if –"

  "Don't push your luck," I warned, smiling but also serious.

  Later that night, after Brody was asleep in bed in Lacey's guesthouse, I called Hailey. She picked up immediately, sounding worried.

  "Brody's fine," I told her at once, sensing where the worry was coming from. "Sleeping, actually."

  "Oh," she said abruptly. "He's asleep? I thought we said he was going to call me before –"

  "He fell asleep in front of the TV after dinner," I cut in, not interested in being berated for some nefarious plot that didn't exist. "He's jet-lagged. And he went on his first horse ride today."

  Silence on the other end of the phone as Hailey calibrated just how annoyed she should be with me.

  "Oh!" She laughed, immediately subverting my unkind expectations. "Jet-lag. Of course. What did he think of the horse ride?"

  "He loved it. A little unsure at first, but he got the hang of it quick enough – I even had him holding the reins for a few minutes."

  "That sounds nice."

  Why was she being so chill?

  "Uh-huh. It was. I got Lacey to take a ton of pictures, like some kind of lame pageant dad."

  "Can you send them to me?"

  "Yeah," I replied. "Sure. I'll do it after we hang up."

  "Cool."

  There was a brief, slightly awkward pause. There never used to be any awkward pauses. She used to be the one person I could sit with in perfectly comfortable silence for however long it lasted.

  That's the past. Let it go.

  "So," I finally said, clearing my throat. "You think you might want to stop by the ranch tomorrow? Lacey would like to meet you, and Brody was all over it as soon as she suggested it. I mean, not for long. Just for half an hour or so?"

  As soon as the question was out of my mouth I realized that rather than being worried that she would say yes – which is what I'd been telling myself was the thing I was worried about all afternoon – I was actually worried that she would say no. Which was annoying.

  "Uh –"

  "You don't have to," I assured her. "I mean, it was just an idea."

  "It was your boss's idea," she clarified. "Right?"

  "Yeah," I replied, irritated with myself for hiding behind Lacey. "Technically it was her idea. But I would like you to come, too. It would be nice for you to see where I work."

  "Really?"

  Goddamnit. She sounded all hopeful and shit. How did she still have the power to do that thing where I could feel my heart softening after so long – and after so much water under the bridge? I really needed to do something about that.

  "Yes, really. I don't know why you sound so surprised. You made it pretty clear you had plans of your own, you know."

  "I'm not surprised," she shot back defensively. "I just – Jesus, Jackson. You are hard work, do you know that?"

  I laughed without feeling any amusement. "Well I guess that makes two of us."

  Hailey sighed heavily. "You made it clear you didn't want me there, you know. I made other plans because I had to! What was I supposed to do – spend Christmas alone?"

  "I didn't make anything clear," I replied angrily. "I didn't say a damn thing to you about your plans. You were the one who said –"

  "Exactly! Message received."

  "Goddamnit!" I exclaimed, exasperated. "Why do you always do this? Why do you always manage to make me out to be the bad guy? I just invited you over for Christmas with our son – did you hear that part? And instead of thanking me you're accusing me of being a selfish asshole –"

  "I didn't say that!" She cut in. "I didn't say that! And you're not the only one
who feels like they're being made out to be the bad guy, OK? Your whole narrative is that I'm the bad guy, isn't it? That's the real truth! Even after I told you that Darcy came to my mom's house and –"

  Hailey's voice was desperate suddenly, her words rushed. And as soon as she brought the subject up, of my not even knowing I had a son for years, a shutter came down on any compassion I may have been tempted to feel. It was all I could do not to just hang up on her. Ask me to make nice for the sake of my child? Fine, I can do that. Ask me to forget that you had the first 5 years of his life when I didn't even know he existed? No.

  "No," I broke in. "I'm not doing this. Not now. Either you're coming to see Brody and meet Lacey tomorrow or you're not."

  For a split second I thought she was going to yell that she wasn't coming. I could feel her fighting the urge to do just that. In the end she just sighed again and whispered that she would be there.

  "Fine," I said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

  "OK."

  I ended the call. There was a sudden stirring beside me in the darkness.

  "Daddy?"

  Great. Fucking great. How much of that shit-show did he hear?

  "You should still be asleep," I said, not entirely managing to keep a certain hardness out of my voice.

  "Was that Mommy?"

  "It was."

  He was quiet for a few seconds. Another trait he got from her. The tactical silence before the strike.

  "Are you angry?"

  "No," I replied, reaching out to pat his head unconvincingly. I should have pulled him closer, wrapped my arms around him the way my mother used to do when I had a nightmare and she would lay beside me until I fell back to sleep. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it. My whole body was tense with annoyance at his mother. And at myself, if I'm honest, for not having the ability to control my emotions so I could comfort my child.

  "Is Mommy coming tomorrow?"

  "Yes. Go back to sleep. Santa won't come if you're not asleep."

  A few minutes later the sound of Brody's slow, even breathing let me know he'd drifted off once more. I had a stocking to fill and a plate of cookies to eat. I hated myself for being so angry, so focused on everything I'd missed out on that I could barely appreciate what was right in front of me.