Not even Ellie.
Damn. He was going to hurt her, just as Nate had told him.
Guilt coated Josiah’s mouth. He didn’t like the taste.
She gave too much and expected too little. He’d made no promises about where things would go between them, but he was taking advantage of her, using her to make him feel better. He had to stop, do the right thing, the honorable thing, and end this. Breaking things off sooner rather than later wouldn’t hurt her as bad as if he waited. Maybe if he stopped things before they went farther, they could remain friends?
He hoped so.
That would be best for him.
Not him.
Ellie.
That would be best for her.
Chapter Fifteen
On the afternoon of Christmas Eve, Ellie sat on the floor in front of the fireplace. This was the best place to wrap presents in the bunkhouse—plenty of room, a tree, and music. Pewter, however, wanted to play, and was slowing down Ellie’s wrapping, but she didn’t mind.
Her excitement over the holidays had been building, but yesterday’s visit to Santa’s Wonderland, thanks to Josiah, had been the chocolate shavings over whipped cream in a mug of hot cocoa. Thinking about spending Christmas with him made her feel warm and mushy. She couldn’t wait to see Josiah today.
Pewter pounced on the wrapping paper. She gave the kitten a piece she wasn’t using.
Swapping shifts with Lyne this morning meant Ellie could go out to dinner with her parents and attend the Christmas Eve service tonight. She wanted Josiah to join them, but he hadn’t answered his door earlier. He hadn’t been at lunch either.
Maybe he’d gotten caught up in the spirit of Christmas and was out shopping. Picturing him buying her a present brought a giggle. Not that she expected anything after the book he gave her.
Ellie continued wrapping. She sang along to Joy to the World.
Joy.
She was full of joy and love.
For Christmas.
And for Josiah.
Affection overflowed from her heart. Fantasies about spending Christmas—their first, maybe not their last?—filled her mind. He needed to have a best Christmas ever too. She wanted to make that happen for him.
She crumpled up a piece of wrapping paper and tossed it across the floor. Pewter chased after the makeshift ball. As soon as the kitten caught it, she curled on the floor and went to sleep.
A knock sounded.
“Come in,” she called.
The door opened. Josiah walked in. He wore his brown coat and a pair of jeans. His hair was messy as if he forgot to use a comb, but he looked as gorgeous as ever. He closed the door.
She stood, her body tingling with the anticipation of being in his arms and kissing him. “Hey. Where have you been today?”
“Around.” He wasn’t smiling.
She would fix that.
Walking toward him, Ellie expected Josiah to meet her half way, but he didn’t. She went to him.
Her lips pressed against his, except...
He wasn’t kissing her back.
Huh? Ellie stepped back. “Everything okay?”
He motioned to the wrapping paper on the floor. “Finishing up for Christmas?”
Josiah hadn’t answered her question. Her stomach clenched, worry from the past knotting with the present. Maybe she was too used to expecting the worst and needed to stop overanalyzing him.
“Only a few stocking stuffers left to wrap,” she said. “Christmas is only hours away. I’m so excited.”
He still wasn’t smiling. “Your ears are jingling.”
Ellie touched her earrings. She’d forgotten she was wearing bells. “I want to make sure Santa knows where to find me.”
She didn’t get why he wasn’t all over her. They were alone except for Pewter. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well, but she knew not to ask. Inviting him out tonight might make him feel better.
“My parents and I are going out tonight to dinner and church. The kids put on the cutest nativity play.” She moved closer, placed her hand on his arm. “We’d love to have you join us.”
Josiah stepped back so she couldn’t reach him. He shoved his hands in his jacket pocket. “Thanks, but I can’t.”
Her insides twisted. She tried not to take the rejection personally. She could have invited him sooner, not waited until today. “Rachel and Britt have planned a great Christmas Eve menu. You’ll enjoy it.”
“Stop.” His gaze met Ellie’s and then lowered to the floor. “You need to stop worrying about me and think about yourself.”
His voiced sounded odd. Strained. His lips narrowed. Tight lines formed around his mouth. His dark eyes unsettled her. She didn’t understand, but her skin prickled. Something was wrong. “I care about you. I want you to be happy. Enjoy Christmas.”
“I know I said I wanted to spend time together, but what we’re doing is going to hurt you. We have to stop before that happens.”
Her heart lurched. He couldn’t be serious. Not after what he’d done yesterday for her and the Buck’s Place kids. And not on Christmas Eve. She wanted this year to be her best ever. His, too.
Memories of Christmases past flooded her. Everything back then had been out of her control. She’d had no way to make things better. But with Josiah she had to try.
“No one is going to get hurt. I want to spend time with you.” She forced a smile, not hard to do when she thought of all the wonderful times they’d spend together. Maybe he was getting wigged out by the holiday. “I’m fine with taking what I can get. I’ll be fine after you leave. No worries.”
“You’re not like that.”
His words both thrilled and hurt at the same time. “I’m not, but I’m okay with that. I’ve dreamed of someone seeing me, and you have, better than anyone else has, including Buck. You’re what I want right now.” Ellie raised her chin. “I’m happy with my decision. Why can’t you be?”
“I don’t want to hurt you.” His tone was desperate and agitated. He wouldn’t look at her.
“You aren’t hurting me.”
He shifted his weight between his feet. “You shouldn’t have to take what you can get. I’m leaving at the end of the month, going back to my real life. You deserve better than a long distance relationship with a guy who works eighty hours a week and won’t have time to call you.”
“You deserve better, too.”
A surprised expression flashed across his face. “What do you mean?”
“You think of yourself as Mr. Whit Tech, but you’re so much more than that.” She remembered him talking to Clayton and the other kids at Santa’s Wonderland, the way he jumped in to help clean up the decorating mess after that one meeting, and how he’d spoiled her during their date at the Graff. “You’re special, Josiah. A very special man.”
His shoulders went back. “Whit Tech is who I am.”
“You’re too wrapped up in your company. You’re blind to how much you give to others. I’m not talking money. I’m talking you. Your heart.” She pointed at his chest. “I saw it yesterday with the kids. I’ve seen it with what you’ve done for me.”
He turned away. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Who you’ve seen these past weeks, who you think I am, isn’t the real me. I’m a workaholic CEO with one focus—Whit Tech. My assistant does everything for me, including arranging my dates. You deserve a noble knight. Someone who can give you what you need. I’m not that guy.”
His words stung, but his tone wasn’t harsh, more resigned. “Josiah—”
“I’m sorry, but it’s over.”
It felt like a snowball hit Ellie’s stomach. Cold spread through her core. She crossed her arms in front of her. “Because you don’t want to hurt me. Well, you’re hurting me now.”
Regret flashed in his gaze and then disappeared. He took his hands out of his jacket pocket, and held them up as if to surrender. “That proves my point. No matter what, I was going to hurt you. I’m sorry.”
Her heart with
ered. “Those are just words.”
“Words are all I have right now.”
Something sour coated Ellie’s mouth. Her pulse beat in her throat, strong and steady though her energy had been sapped. But anger built. “Then stop lying to yourself and to me.”
Josiah flinched. His brows drew together. He looked hurt.
Ellie didn’t care. “Do you know why I was willing to take what I could get with you?”
He didn’t answer, but she hadn’t expected him to.
“For me.” A lump burned in her throat. Common sense told her to stop, before the tears fell, but she had to say this for his sake and for hers. “I broke my rule about dating guests because I wanted to spend time with you. I never do anything for me. This was a totally selfish decision.”
“Ellie—”
“There’s more.” Emotions had built up for so long, not just about Josiah, but also about her parents, Buck, everyone else. “For so long, I’ve felt invisible. That no one sees me. And then you showed up and changed that.”
She forced herself to breathe. Blinked to keep the tears from flowing. Swallowed to stop her throat from catching on fire.
“You remembered things from my past that nobody ever does. You wanted to help me now. But I could also picture you in my future, even though you told me that wasn’t something you wanted.”
He rocked back on his heels. “You know where I stand on relationships.”
“Yes, I did. Do. But I assumed you knew I was okay with that.” Ellie focused on Josiah. “I thought you knew me. Knew that I needed this time with you, and after you left, I would be okay. Because I would be. I’ve survived much worse than a broken heart.”
A muscle twitched at his neck. “I’m doing this for your own good.”
She nearly laughed. “Don’t use me to justify your actions. You’re doing this for yourself, not me.”
His mouth fell open. He looked genuinely surprised. “That’s not—”
“It’s true,” she interrupted. “If you cared and didn’t want to hurt me, you wouldn’t be breaking up with me on Christmas Eve.”
His lips thinned into a near invisible line. “You want to know why I’m doing this today?”
She nodded.
His jaw jutted forward. “Yesterday I watched you with those kids. I knew this couldn’t continue any longer. You need someone who can help you turn Buck’s Place into something big and be a part of your life here in Marietta. My life is in Palo Alto with Whit Tech. This was never going to work out for more than a couple weeks. We should have never started anything.”
Her heart splintered, but she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. She’d had years of pretending she was okay when she wasn’t. She could handle this.
“It’s over. I’ve got it.” She squared her shoulders, keeping her head high and ignoring the pain building in her chest. “Anything else?”
“This isn’t how I thought things would go.” He reached toward her.
She jerked away. “I’m not a line of code you can program to respond how you want.”
“No, I know. But...” He brushed his hand through his hair. “Can’t we just be friends?”
“Um, no. You should go.”
Josiah opened his mouth as if to speak, but then he turned around. He opened the door, glanced back at her with a contrite look and then left. The door slammed behind him.
It’s over.
A raw, jagged pain she’d never felt before consumed her. She collapsed to the floor.
Pewter bounded over. Ellie picked up the kitten, cuddled her close, and cried.
This was not her best ever Christmas.
More like her worst.
Christmas Day, Ellie sat on the loveseat in her parents’ living room. This had been her spot to open presents for as long as she remembered. She wanted to enjoy the beautiful day, but she kept fighting the urge to curl into a ball under a blanket.
She couldn’t stop thinking about Josiah. What he’d said had hurt, each word slicing into her heart. The pain continued now.
Stop.
Her parents deserved a stress-free Christmas. She didn’t plan on telling them what had happened. She didn’t want them to worry. She was used to pretending she was okay. She’d done that last night with her mom and dad. Today would be nothing new.
Pasting on a smile, Ellie looked at her parents sitting in their same spots as usual. Her dad lounged in his recliner while her mom rocked in hers. The couch, where Buck used to sit, was empty.
Mr. A—a nineteen-year-old tabby cat—stretched out on the carpet. Carols played on an old boom box, the same CD she listened to when she was a kid. Logs popped and flames danced in the fireplace. The scent of a Swedish tea ring baking, what her mom always made for Christmas breakfast, filled the air.
A typical Christmas morning.
Except for Ellie’s aching heart.
“Here you go.” Her mother handed Ellie a present. The red bow on top coordinated with the reindeer wrapping paper. “This is from your dad and me.”
Her mom sounded excited. Ellie needed to put on a happy face until she was alone.
“I can’t wait to see what it is.” She tore off the white bow, ripped off the Santa’s reindeer wrapping paper, and took off the lid. A multicolor scarf was inside. “Oh, I love the pattern and colors.”
The scarf took her back to her walk with Josiah. Getting hooked on the fence post. Falling twice. Kissing under the mistletoe. Even after what he’d said yesterday, she yearned for...more.
That was stupid. He didn’t want more.
Ellie rubbed her fingers over the soft fabric. “Thanks. I needed a new scarf.”
“So glad, honey. I’m going to check on the tea ring.”
With her mom in the kitchen, her dad read the tag on the next present he would open. They went in the same order each year, skipping over what would have been Buck’s turn. “This one is from your mother.”
“I’ll be right there,” her mom called from the kitchen.
Her dad shook his present, impatient for his turn. “She always leaves when it’s my turn.”
“I have a feeling Mom does it on purpose to get you more excited,” Ellie whispered.
Smiling, he leaned forward. “I think you’re right.”
Ellie knew the divorce statistics for marriages with a sick child or one who’d died. Somehow her parents had stuck together through some difficult times. She respected that and them. They’d shown her that marriage was more than the rush of falling in love. Things happened—sometimes, bad things—and a relationship’s foundation needed to be based on something more than physical attraction.
She’d been attracted to Josiah, but she’d seen more in him than a handsome face. She’d thought he might be the one. The one to help her grow Buck’s Place. The one to be the father of her children. The one to love her no matter what.
But he hadn’t been in this for the long haul. She’d known that from the beginning. Still she’d lost herself in daydreams and hoped for more in spite of the odds.
Her mom stood in the doorway. “Breakfast is almost ready.”
“It smells delicious.” Ellie wrapped her new scarf around her neck. The colors clashed with her pajamas, but she felt nice and warm.
“We were so busy last night that I forgot to tell you a letter arrived for you,” Mom said. “It’s sitting on the mantel.”
Ellie hopped up and grabbed the envelope. The return address was Billings, Montana.
Her fingers tightened, crinkling the letter. That was where she’d sent her Buck’s Place proposal in early November.
Another rejection, especially on Christmas, might send her over the edge. But what if the letter contained good news?
Fingers trembling, she opened the flap, pulled out the sheet of paper inside, and read. Her mouth gaped. By the second paragraph, her vision blurred from tears.
Happy ones.
The group loved the mission of Buck’s Place, had a dedicated space ava
ilable, and wanted her in Billings. She reread that part twice. Chills shot down her arms.
The group also recognized the importance of her work in Marietta and wanted to accommodate a schedule so she could continue that once-a-week program. Grateful and excited, she did a little dance from the loveseat. This was more than she had hoped could happen.
The director of the group would contact her in January to set up a face-to-face meeting and discuss more details. She squeezed her hands together, her arm and shoulder muscles contracting. She wanted to scream, but not with her parents around, so she gave a silent squee instead.
Billings—a city with a larger hospital and pediatric specialists, over two hundred miles away from home.
Ellie’s chest tightened. She was all her mom and dad had left. She spent her days off with her parents, often staying the night. What would they say?
“Look at Ranger.” Her dad pointed at their fifteen-year-old mutt, who gnawed on the bone left in his stocking. “That darn dog’s going to chew until the whole thing disappears.”
She laughed. “Ranger does that every year.”
Every year.
The words echoed through her brain.
Every year.
Reality hit her like an avalanche.
She found herself tumbling and falling with no sense of direction, no air to replace what was getting sucked out of her lungs, no way to stop herself careening into whatever would stop her at the bottom.
Every year.
Buck was gone.
Had been for eleven years.
But nothing had changed.
Even the animals knew not to sit on the couch on Christmas morning. Any other day, the dog and cat would be asleep on the sofa. But never today.
This was the way things had always been. But was that good?
Ellie had clung to traditions, especially holiday ones, found comfort in them, but nothing this morning felt right.
Not sitting in the same spots and opening gifts in the same order, pretending her heart didn’t feel a pang every time they passed Buck’s turn, or keeping the same photos on the mantel.
Tension built behind her forehead.
Familiar pictures from over a decade ago filled the mix-match frames. No recent photographs. No senior year picture of her. No celebratory cap and gown shot from her high school graduation.
A Christmas Homecoming (Bar V5 Ranch) Page 17