In the morning I stand in the kitchen with my backside against the Aga, drinking tea, as Mum and I catch up. I give her the abridged account of the last few weeks, more than I've told her on the phone, but omitting the graphic details.
When I've finished, she shakes her head and sighs. "Oh Holly love, I think Nick sounds like a cad. He's used you for his own ends. It's just as well for Adam. He’s such a lovely young man." Mum has met Adam a few times, and thinks he’s the bee’s knees.
"Then why do I feel so sad, Mum? I feel really bad about Adam, but I just don't know if he's right for me."
"Just tell Adam the truth, Holly, that's what he deserves," says Mum, stirring the cake mix for her weekly baking. "Hold your head high at work, and damn Van Hooden."
I stifle a giggle. "Mum, it's Van Hoogen."
"Van Tootin, Shootin, Poopin. Whatever his name is, you're too good for him."
She hands me the wooden spoon, and I lick the cake batter, just like when I was a kid. I know she's right.
I find Dad in the greenhouse at the bottom of the garden, tending his beloved plants. He puffs up with pride as I enter his little kingdom.
"Hi Dad, can I help you with anything?"
"No, no, just you sit here, love, and we'll have a chat." He dusts off the faded cushion on a white plastic seat, and motions me to sit. The Archers is playing on the radio in the background. Dad produces a flask and plastic cups, and reaches behind a bag of compost where he's hidden an old round tin. Opening the tin, his face lights up as he passes it to me with a conspiratorial smile.
"Don't tell your mother. She thinks I've given up."
We tuck into the chocolate biscuits and Jelly Babies, and I transgress back to childhood once more.
"So, what's this boy trouble all about then?" Dad asks. "Anything I can help with?" Judging by the look on his face, I can tell he doesn't want to have this personal conversation with his twenty-three year old daughter, but bless him for asking.
I hesitate, then smile, putting him at ease. "It's fine, Dad. Just a wobbly about a guy in work. Nothing I can't handle."
"That's my girl." He squeezes my hand. "These lads today, they don't know how to treat a lady. Just you come back here and stay here with us and never get married, eh?"
"Don't worry. I don't have a boyfriend, and I've definitely no plans to get married. I do need to get back to work in a few days, though."
"Good girl. I know you do, but don't rush yourself. That place won't fall down without you. Now you're here you may as well stay a while. It's great to see you, Holly. We do miss you, you know."
My eyes well up at my dad's simple declaration of love. We potter for hours, until Mum calls us in.
The next few days pass too quickly, a blur of home cooking, walking on the moors, and peaceful sleep.
It's Thursday when I decide it's time to go back and face the music.
CHAPTER TWENTY
It's raining on the way back to London, and the bleak weather matches my mood as I say goodbye and board the train. I find a seat with a table to rest my coffee and magazines. My phone, switched off since I arrived, is staring at me like the enemy, but I know I have to turn it on again. Sure enough, as soon as I do, all hell breaks loose. Countless texts from Adam, Tara, a voice message from work, and one short voicemail from Nick.
"Holly. This is Nick. Call me. It's urgent." He sounds distant, sad. I'm sad too, but I'm not calling him. I'll have to see him soon enough, but for now he will just have to wait.
I doze off, and awake to the sound of a phone vibrating. Of course, the device buzzing across the table is mine. I open my eyes to sighs and glares from my fellow passengers. I had switched it to silent, good train etiquette anywhere else, but not good enough in Yorkshire it seems. I bow my head to avoid any eye contact, and quickly answer the phone without looking at the caller ID.
"Hello?"
There's silence for a few moments, then the sound of the voice that broke my heart.
"Holly, its Nick. Please, don’t hang up. I need to talk to you."
Several people in the busy train carriage are staring. As I meet their eyes they look away. I don't want to have this conversation here, in public, on a train, of all places.
"I can't talk now," and I can hear myself speaking in my coldest, haughtiest, work voice. Everyone within earshot must think I'm a right bitch. "I'm on the train to London."
"I know," replies Nick, and his voice sounds loud, closer than it should be. "I really need to speak to you now."
The woman sitting opposite me is looking at me, then at the man standing in the aisle on his phone beside our table. And I look up, and the man I'm on the phone to sits down beside me, and we stare at each other, still holding our phones. And then the phone goes dead, and he's kissing me, and I can feel my heart coming alive again.
***
Nick pulls me by the hand towards the First Class section at the front of the train. His strong touch sends thrills through my body. We stop and sit in a quiet carriage, just the two of us, away from the hullaballoo.
"Holly, we really need to talk." Nick looks awful. Unshaven, his hair is unkempt and his suit crumpled.
"You don't say!" I respond with mock indignation but I'm so happy to see him all I can do is lean forward to kiss him, but Nick draws away.
"No, Holly stop, you must listen." Nick's eyes are lifeless, and dread fills the air as I wonder what on earth could have caused him to be in this state. Not me, surely?
"Ok then, start talking," I command, serious now, because I'm scared of the bombshell that I sense is coming.
"I'm sorry, Holly," starts Nick, "I haven't been entirely truthful with you." He rubs his chin, his eyes seeking mine to check my reaction.
"Go on." My voice is soft and encouraging, because however much I feel cold inside, I can tell that Nick is hurting, and whatever he is about to say is difficult for him.
"Remember you asked me if I had a wife, that day at the park?"
I nod. Of course I bloody remember. "You said that you didn't, Nick. Is that true?"
He shakes his head. "I'm married, Holly, but I don't have a wife, not really - not any more. The woman I married has gone."
I'm confused. "You mean, she left you? Why didn't you just say?"
Nick sighs, reaching out, and I let him take my hands in his. "I married Sarah five years ago, she was my college sweetheart. Technically she's still alive, Holly, in a private medical facility in New York. She's been in a coma for over eighteen months. There was a skiing accident, she hurt her head …" Nick's voice cracks, and I can feel his cold and clammy hands shaking. I give them a squeeze, waiting for him to continue, unsure if that's it or if there's more.
"That's why I've been back and forward to New York. The doctors have said that there's permanent brain damage, that she may be incapacitated forever. I can't bear to see her like that, and I know it's not what she would have wanted. I have Power of Attorney, and agreed for the doctors to turn her life support system off."
Horrified at the story that is unfolding, all I can do is nod. A dying secret wife? "That must be a huge decision, Nick, I'm sorry. But why didn't you tell me? Why did you lie to me?"
Nick sinks his head in his hands, and his body shudders. Looking up again, he continues.
"That's not all, Holly. Sarah's parents have contested the decision and started legal proceedings against me. Sarah's father is a wealthy businessman with political aspirations. He's using the case as a way to get publicity and public sympathy. They're even suggesting I was involved in her accident in some way and want her dead for the inheritance. In the meantime Sarah’s still lying there, lifeless."
The news has hit me like a brick in my stomach, and bile suddenly rises in my throat. But I'm still more worried about Nick than the fact that I might throw up at any second.
"Oh Nick, I'm so sorry. You should have told me. But what are you going to do?"
"I left New York for London to get away from it all. I've already said my
goodbyes to Sarah, a long time ago when I realised she wasn't coming back. And then I met you, Holly." Nick searches my face for reassurance, and to my relief my stomach seems to settle.
"What are you saying, Nick? I'm not sure I understand." I don't care if I sound stupid, but I need to be crystal clear about where I fit in all this.
"I wanted to start a new life in London, Holly. And I fell for you when I least expected it. And now I can't imagine a future without you. But it hasn’t been so easy to walk away from my old life. I was arrested several weeks ago and questioned by the police in New York about Sarah's accident."
"Oh my god, that was true? I though Adam was making that up!" The words are out before I can stop myself, and I cover my mouth with my hand, too late to take them back.
Nick smiles now, a sad smile. "Yes, it's all true. I know what the gossip's like in Cathwell's. Bill knows what's going on, and unfortunately he's been instrumental in this monumental fuck up. The Henderson thing Holly, it was all just a cover to get me back to New York. It’s been touch and go with Sarah. She took a turn for the worse last week and I had to rush back before she …" Nick closes his eyes briefly and swallows before he goes on.
"...and by the time I got away from the hospital you'd disappeared off the face of the earth. I've been trying to track you down all week and that's how I ended up here, in the middle of nowhere, stalking you on a train."
"And Sarah?" I ask, "Is she...?"
"She's still alive," says Nick, his face set in a grim expression. "They said if she makes it she could be severely disabled for the rest of her life. Brain damage, paralysis, you name it, she's got it, but they've said that I must prepare for the likely outcome, that she'll die."
"Oh Nick," is all I can say. All my feelings for Nick have come flooding back, but I never expected this mess. And there was me thinking I had troubles.
"Holly, they say she can't hear anything but do you think she knew that I'd left her?" His eyes are filled with tears and his voice is choked with emotion.
"I don't know, Nick." I reach out for his hands again, to stop his shaking. "Nick, I'm sorry to ask you this but I have to know the truth. Do you still love her?"
"I love Sarah - the smart, funny, wonderful woman I married. But she's checked out, there's just a shell left. My love for her now is grief, for the person she once was, and will never be again. I know she would want me to move on. And she would love you Holly, I know that too."
I can't process all this, it's too much. How generous of him to bestow his wife's approval on me! Like she's given us her blessing. It's my turn now to say my piece, and I don't hold back any punches.
"Is that supposed to make me feel like this is all ok? Why didn't you tell me before? Why didn't you tell me at the start? You should have told me at the start!" I'm shouting now and fighting back tears.
"You used me, Nick. Used me as a release from all your shit. You didn't tell me because you knew it was wrong. I never would have dated you, never would have slept with you if I had known any of this about Sarah. You knew that, right?"
Nick looks shell-shocked at my tirade, but still I let him have it. "You deceived me, you lied to me and you expect me to believe that your dead wife who's still alive would be happy for us? You expect me to feel sorry for you? Is that it?"
Nick's shaking his head, and a voice inside my head is telling me to stop, that I've said enough, made my point. But I have to take one last dig at him, to ease my own guilt.
"What you did, Nick, how you treated me, did you ever think that might have repercussions?" I'm thinking of what happened with Adam but I don't elaborate. My mind is a whirl of guilt and regret.
Nick looks bewildered. "Holly, I don't blame you for being angry. I came back because I know I made a mistake and I had to tell you the truth. I've fallen in love with you, don't you see? If you can find it to forgive me, I want you to come with me to New York and we can build a future together."
"And where does Sarah fit into all this?"
I can't believe what I am hearing or what I am saying, it's completely surreal. Me, move to New York with a married man? My parents would have a fit.
"The doctors says she's not going to make it. Holly, I have to be with her until she dies but I can't bear to be away from you for another day. I know it's a lot to ask but please will you come with me? I've cleared everything with Bill at work. He's happy to approve a transfer for you to NY office for as short or as long as you wish. It's totally your decision. This could mean big things for your career, Holly. Just like you wanted."
I can't believe this man's arrogance and quest for control. "Oh, you've thought of everything and arranged it all, have you? How thoughtful and kind. Don't play the career card with me, you bastard, just to get your own way. You're right, it's my decision, and I'll make it myself, when I'm ready."
I can see the pain in his beautiful eyes. He looks helpless like a lost child and all I feel is love tinged with sadness. I am drained, and Nick is too. There's nothing more to say for now. The secrets are out in the open. Well, Nick's are. There's no need for him to know about mine, that doesn't matter now.
I lean my head on his chest and fall asleep in his arms. When I wake I look up at his face. His sleeping expression is troubled. What tortures he has had to live through. My gut tells me that he didn't mean to hurt me. He's just trying to make the best of an impossible situation.
I love this man and I never want us to be parted, not even for a single day. Is this possible? To base a future together on just a few weeks' history, a rocky foundation of lies and deceit?
My head says no but my heart says yes.
Fate has dealt us a cruel hand but I know what way I'll play. I will be true to myself, as my parents taught me. My head whirrs into action, excited at all the possibilities ahead. When we get back to London there'll be arranging to do and explaining too. I'm sure Tara will understand. That just leaves Adam. Oh Adam! Why must there always be casualties?
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
My heart is pounding as I put the key in the lock of my flat, on the evening of the Thursday my life changed forever. I know Tara will be surprised but supportive, after all her life philosophy is Carpe Diem.
I still feel guilty though as I will be, in effect, leaving her in the lurch. I laugh to myself as I clock the boots outside Tara's bedroom door. The usual sounds of a couple getting hot and heavy are clearly audible. Something makes me pause, and I look at the boots again. They seem familiar. It's not like Holly to have the same guy back twice. And on a Thursday night? Weird.
I go to my own room and start to think what I need to pack for staying at Nick's for a few days. I have to hurry, as he's waiting in the taxi outside. I open my underwear drawer, and that's when it hits me.
Turning on my heel, I march right in to Tara's bedroom without knocking. Despite my premonition of what awaits within, the shock of seeing it confirmed still stings. Tara's on all fours on the bed, and a man with his back to me is giving it to her from behind, doggy style.
Her loud moans signify her enjoyment of the proceedings. I watch as she orders him in a breathless voice, "Harder, fuck me harder ... want it all.... deeper ... all your big cock!" As Adam thrusts harder, Tara's head rams against the headboard. "Ohhh, yes," she screams with pleasure.
Now that I'm here, I don't know what I'm going to say. Adam senses my presence first and turns, stopping mid-stroke.
"Noooo, don't stop baby, don't stop....I want more," Tara protests, before looking round too. Now I have their full attention.
"Hey you two, glad to see you haven't missed me!" I manage with a sarcastic smile. "Listen, Adam, thanks for the fuck but I don't think it's going to work out. Tara, he's all yours, if you don't mind sloppy seconds. See you around guys, I'm outta here."
Back in my room, I grab what I can and fling it into my overnight bag which I have just emptied on the bed. Tara runs in, stark naked, and sobbing.
"Oh babe, I'm so sorry," she pleads. "Adam has been pesterin
g me for so long, I mean you know that, right?"
I look blankly at Tara. "Actually Tara, no. I didn't. I thought it was me that Adam liked, I remember you telling me that not too long ago. Fucking hell. Silly me."
Tara looks amazed, and shrugs. "I'm fucked off listening to it. You yapping about him pestering you and him going on all the time about watching you in the mornings going to work. How bloody sweet! Get over yourselves. It's just sex! I thought you weren't interested, so what’s the problem?”
"You know what, Tara? I really don't care, but that's not the point. I thought we were friends. I'm leaving. The rent's paid till the end of the month, after that you can do what you like."
Tara's face drops as I lift my bag and head for the door. "Are you serious?" she says. "I mean, we only did it a couple of times. Big deal. You’re always going on about how you’re sick of him hitting on you!”
“Yes, Tara," I reply, my voice as calm as I can make it. "And I’m also sick of listening to your shagging in the next room and I’m sick of not knowing what weirdo will be hanging around here in the morning and most of all I’m so bloody sick of all this mess! I can’t wait to get out of here.”
“You can't go, Holly. Where will you live?"
"New York." I can hardly believe it myself as I say the words.
She stares at me in disbelief. "What?"
A rousing Frank Sinatra chorus is playing in my head as I walk down the hall, past that creep Adam, and I don't give him a second look. The click of the door behind me closes a chapter on my life that I will never go back to.
My heart is pounding. My gut is telling me to keep walking, and I don't stop although my legs are shaking. My head is just starting to process Adam and Tara's betrayal. Nick or no Nick, there's no going back now.
Outside, Nick is waiting, and I fall into his arms. He holds me close, and strokes my hair. Safe in his embrace, I know I'm making the right decision. He doesn't need to know any of it, just that I'm his.
Romance: Duplicity (Duplicity New Adult Romance Book 1) Page 7