by Richa Resa
“What is it for me, death or die?” I questioned, my eyes welled up with tears followed by a chuckle. My own conscience knew well that all I deserved was death, thus making me give the options death or die. I had done the worst that any man could do to a woman. I had broken, shattered, torn, and destroyed Eunice’s soul, not once but many times. Every time she tried to build herself up I had torn her apart. I had broken her walls only to give her horrific pain. I didn’t deserve her from the beginning; I destroyed an angel, a pure soul. She gave me her everything; her heart, soul, love, and life, but all I gave her was pain and burden.
“I don’t even deserve hell, my dear bottle. I deserve a worse fate than death and a torturous afterlife.” Sorrow lay deep in my voice. I closed my eyes and the smiling face of Eunice flashed before me. She was happy, floating, glowing, and filled with life. Her brown hair bounced and shined, her eyes sparkled with the enjoyment of life, and her lips told a story of joy. Not an ounce of worry and pain marred her face. She looked like an angel who wasn’t scarred by a sadist like me. Seeing her like this, unharmed and happy, made a wave of calmness wash over my mind and soul. She was imprinted on my mind and soul till my last breath.
The ear-piercing sound of my phone echoed through the house, making my love vanish away from my mind. I didn’t know where it was, and neither had I any desire to know. What use would it be to me? It would be some telemarketer because I really had no one left who cared for me enough to call me. I felt annoyed by this disturbance, seconds later it stopped, letting me lose myself once again in the memories of an angel I had lost. I was ripped out of her memories once again by the persistent ringing of my phone. I wanted to smash my phone into a wall when I found it.
“What the hell do you want?” I shouted. The shrilling voice of the phone forced me to look for it. I walked on my wobbly legs while knocking myself into various things, looking for my phone. The device stopped ringing as soon as it was in my sight. I cursed the phone. I turned around, then the phone rang once again. Breathing a sigh, I went to pick it up. Whoever it was, the person wasn’t going to leave me in peace. Grabbing it, I looked at the number flashing on the screen. It wasn’t anyone I knew. I was thinking of turning my phone off and living in peace with my memories but my heart said to pick it up. I answered the phone, only to find silence on the other side. What? I frowned. Was this some kind of prank? Then I heard the sounds of breathing, someone was there, but whom?
“Hello, are you going to answer?” I snapped at the person. Silence and the brief sound of breathing followed.
“She’s in Hawaii. I’m sending you the details of her hotel.” I stood there, shocked, with my eyes gone wide. It was Anne. She was helping me.
“I know that I have done many wrongs and this won’t be enough to forgive me, but it’s the least I could do,” she said with remorse.
“I’m sorry for all I did, Joshua. I hope and pray that you get Eunice back. Just please go and get her, because she’s the only person who can love you and accept you. I’m sorry for what I did.” Her voice trembled and grew weak. Before I could respond, she ended the call. My phone pinged on the arrival of a message. I stared at it. This message consisted of the very way to get Eunice back. I felt like I was close to her. My heartbeat hitched and my mind cleared itself from the effects of the alcohol. This message was what I needed. Opening the message, Eunice’s hotel and room number—every detail was there. All that needed to be done was book a flight—and that’s what I did. My mind functioned of its own accord and I booked the first flight from New York for Hawaii.
While getting off the plane, nervousness and insecurity took over. It felt like I was a teenager again going to ask his biggest crush for a date. Walking out of the airport, I hailed the first cab I saw. I was in a hurry to reach to her. I wanted to hear her, touch her, and feel the intensity of our love. I just hoped that a small ounce of love was left between us. I prayed for the last weak strand of love that existed between us to have survived. That last thread was the last hope of my life, Hastily I told the driver to take me to the hotel with urgency in my voice.
I was nervous, desperate, broken, driven mad, and scared. Life without her could never be the same, not after knowing that it had been me who messed us up.
“Here we are, sir.” The driver’s rough voice drew me out of my thoughts. I paid him hastily and rushed inside the hotel. It was still early in the morning and it brought me some content to know that I would be totally able to get a hold of her. Anne did one good thing by telling me Eunice was in room 115. I asked the bellboy for the directions and he provided them easily.
“It’s just around the corner,” he said, pointing forward. Saying a hasty thank you, I rushed past him. I slowed down to find her room, when I saw two people embracing each other in the corridor. A blond guy, about the same height as me, hugged someone. There was happiness spread over his face. However that was not what caught my eye; it was the petite woman he was hugging. The same hair that I had loved which had been cut short could be seen. She had her back towards me, but the slender figure wearing the red shirt with crochet work over it, which had been my favorite, was surely her. It was for sure my Eunice. I could never forget the way she looked, how her body was so thin and delicate, but still so graceful. She was imprinted on my mind, ingrained in every part of my soul and heart. The blond guy smiled at her and walked in the other direction. I stood not so far behind her. A burning feeling of jealousy spread through my blood at the sight of another man in her arms. Was this the burning she felt every time when she saw me with another woman? I wanted to lose my control and go beat the shit out of that blond guy. Numerous questions came into mind. What happened between them? Who is he? What is he doing here so early in the morning? Has Eunice moved on? I wanted to stop my mind from going to that place. Anger tried to take over, but I didn’t let it. She gave me many chances but I let them pass. She turned to go inside.
“Eunice,” I called, my voice barely a whisper. Nervousness took over. My fears tried to consume me. She stopped midway and looked up. An expression of surprise spread all over her face. In her caring brown orbs, I could see too many emotions—I was unable to pick up on any single one. It felt like there was a storm of emotions inside her.
“Eunice.” I found my voice. Closing the gap between us, I inhaled her scent. I drank her in with my eyes, her soft lips, barely apart, seemed to ask me for attention. I was entranced by every inch of her soul and body. I wished to possess her so there wouldn’t be any chance left for her to let go of me. However, I knew better than anyone I couldn’t make that mistake now. I had no right to come to her, yet I had. There was no scope for forgiveness, yet I wanted that. Our eyes bored into each other. She stood there looking at me.
“What are you doing here?” The words slipped out gently, like a whisper, and they felt like a melody to my ears. How fucking much I had missed her, her voice, smell, laugh and sight. Nothing could compare. I had myself built the pit of my sins and pushed her far away from me.
“I came for you.” I stated the truth and my words stirred something inside her, I could see it in her eyes. My words affected her; the flicker in her eyes told me that. Was it the love that I had ripped away from her or something else? We stood there, alone in the world, it was just us in that moment, but then something changed and her eyes grew cold. The warmth I saw in her eyes, the numerous emotions that swirled there ceased, leaving only a trail of ice.
“Why?” Her question shook me. The fear of rejection weakened my resolve.
“Why now, Joshua?” she asked with ice in her voice. She wasn’t the same Eunice who left that day giving me one last chance; she’d changed to protect herself from the pain that I had brought into her life. Her words made my fear stronger; my fear of going away empty-handed took me in. If it happened, it would drown me in guilt and kill me.
“Because I love you, I have always loved you. Even in my fucked up state, I have loved you, craved you. I was a fool for letting you go, not even a
fool—an idiot, a selfish man—but I’ve changed, I assure you. I understand how important you are in my life. It is ingrained in my mind that no one could love me like you do, and neither can anyone love you like I do. You have bewitched me since I fell in love with you. No one else could take your place. I made too many mistakes—more than anyone could. I destroyed us, ruined you, and scarred your heart, but I killed myself too. I broke myself into tiny shards and only came to know this when I extinguished that fire of hatred and revenge inside of me. When you were gone, the reality of what I had done to you came back, and it broke me like never before, it destroyed me.” I fell to my knees with the shame and guilt that burdened me.
“I didn’t trust myself, doubted everything I did. I was scared to face you because besides the guilt and shame that eat me from inside, there was something deep that feared me. I didn’t trust myself not to hurt you, and yet I did hurt you once again by leaving you alone that morning. I hurt you by leaving you to face society all alone, and I broke you once again by letting you go. But more than that I killed you by accusing you of murder and ripped you of your soul and mind by saying ‘I do’ at the altar with Anne. It not only affected you, it killed me too. It took away my life. It took you away from me, leaving me without any purpose to live for. You were the air I breathe, and without you, I can’t fucking survive.” I let it all out with tears streaming down my cheeks. I faced the truth that should have been buried, should have never been talked about, but here I was opening the wounds that were still fresh for both of us. I wanted her to know what she was for me. Her eyes glistened with tears. I was able to break that cold exterior behind which she hid. I knew this all affected her. It had torn her like it did to me. A lone tear escaped her eye and she turned away, hiding from me. The only sound I could hear was our sniffling and harsh breathing—we were both in pain.
“It’s too late now, Joshua. It’s too late to come back.” Her voice trembled. Her words broke me and angered me at the same time. Her eyes glistening with fresh tears, she turned and looked at me. A fire burned within them.
“I gave you the chance, Joshua, I gave it to you. I fucking told you that it would be the end, and yet you let those words slip through your lips. You didn’t care about me; you didn’t love me enough to choose me. It will always be your kid. I would never be your priority, and I would never be enough for you. I was willing to accept what drove us apart once. I was willing to accept that child and everything that came with it, but you left me, Joshua. I gave it all to you once more, only to have you kill me all over again. You ripped away my soul by saying those words. You stomped over my heart that I laid under your feet for a child. I can’t let that happen ever again. Whatever happens, your child will always be more important than me, and I will always come second—most probably even third, Joshua. It will be your child, Anne, and then me. You betrayed me and those wounds are still fresh. You betrayed my love and washed away the last chance we had. We are over, Joshua, so just go away and go back to your new wife and kid, because I can’t let you in something that you have already broken,” she sneered, and I let her every word inflict a wound over my heart. She had every right to. I had betrayed her all over again, crushed whatever she had left, leaving her empty. She sobbed in front of me, breathing heavily. I was hurting her, and it pained me. I needed to tell her the truth—that no child existed—that I had only one wife, and that was her. She had no fear of being third, because there existed no one but her who cared for me and loved me.
“There is no one besides you, Eunice. There exists no child, that wedding never happened. Anne and I never married. She lied about the child because of her fucked up mother. All that happened was that the clouds that fogged my brain from thinking clearly drifted away. I understand what you are to me. I have only one wife and that’s you. We might be divorced on paper, but you are my wife, always and forever, because only death can part you from me. I love you more than anyone, and I would die for you if that is what it takes for you to see my love for you so you can forgive me. I will spend every second of my life for you, Eunice. I can only love you and no one else.” She gasped. I had poured out my heart to her, now it was up to her to decide. I laid the pieces of my heart under her feet. for her to decide my fate.
Chapter 25
Eunice
His words left me stunned. She lied about the child because of her fucked up mother. The words echoed in my mind. Why would she do something like that, and why was her mother being dragged into it?
Why was he doing this to me now? I gave him the chance to save us, but I couldn’t now, not anymore, when he kept betraying me and my love for him. He didn’t leave any more chances. I was a fool in love, giving that last chance which he took for granted. I loved him more than myself and it felt like my biggest mistake. There was no use for him to come back to me. If Anne’s lies hadn’t been brought forward, then he would be in her arms right now. That insight made bile rise in my throat.
The intensity of his love right now would dull down to nothing for me in the unforeseen future. He loves me now but with the history of our unbalanced relationship, I didn’t see us having a future until he could see where his priorities lay. For now, I’m his priority, but what about in the future? The business he owns, a future child, or me? Would I ever be enough for him? How long would he stay faithful to me? The accusations he made, would they have washed away from his mind completely or did a trace of them still linger? How long would this new love stay, a week, a month, or a year? The guarantee of this love wasn’t forever anymore. There were no more vows binding us, no promises of a happy life forever, and no guarantees of having a life free of the guilt and past that would drag us down.
I stared in his eyes, finding a reflection of an infinite love that once existed in my eyes. His eyes glazed with tears, and I didn’t know how to break this to him. The fact that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him right now, or maybe ever in the future, would hurt him. Our lives had been pushed too far from the people we were when we married. We couldn’t go back to being those people, who we were. My wounds were still fresh. I couldn’t make a promise of loving him, of being the person I was before.
He was on his knees, begging me for another chance that I couldn’t give him. I didn’t think I would be able to look at him without remembering what all passed between us. We needed to break apart because we were like fire and gasoline, we would keep on burning in flames of guilt, sadness, hatred, or love. His hand tried to reach for mine, but I stepped back, hurting him emotionally in the process. Those teary green eyes brought tears to my eyes too. I was hurting for him, but I couldn’t take the chance of being in a destructive relationship again. Shaking my head, I put as much distance as I could between us. We were done—whatever traces of love we had left couldn’t give me the power to be with him. The strands of our love had weakened and vanished. There was nothing binding us together.
“I can’t do this, Joshua,” I whispered slowly, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I can’t be with you now, Joshua. What was left between us doesn’t exist anymore. It ended the day we divorced, our love vanished the day when you said, ‘I do,’ to her. I can’t be with you anymore. It hurts me too, but I can bear this pain for now. I have shed enough tears for a lifetime, burned in pain for months, and now I am all broken and scared. The thought of going back with you in that destructive relationship repulses me. We have come too far from each other. I can’t be that person anymore you’re looking for, not now.” I sobbed as the words left my lips, hurting each other equally. I needed space from him. My words tore him apart. I could see it in his eyes. I knew the pain he felt. It was an agonizing feeling of being torn from the inside, feeling like your whole life had been taken away from you and burned to ashes. It was a horrible misery that he had made me go through and it hurt to know that I was the one delivering this pain to him.
“No, no…” The word repeated like a prayer. He was instantly on his feet, crushed under the weight of rejection and unbearable pa
in.
“Please don’t do this, Eunice, I beg of you to not leave me like this. I ask for a chance to prove myself—just give me that. I know I have made mistakes more than anyone else, I don’t deserve your love, but I indeed know that we love each other so fucking much that we can’t stay apart. I love you more than myself—just tell me a way to prove it and I’ll do it in a heartbeat. I have my eyes only for you, and forever you. I really can’t stay without you, nor even breathe without you. Having you leave me will annihilate me. It will be like tearing away my soul, taking my life. Give me any punishment you like, beat me, push me, cut me, leave me bleeding, or burn me, just don’t walk away. I have been a fool. I let people manipulate me, and I let all these choices make me lose you. I would do anything for you, just name it, but I beg of you not to leave me and let me go. I wouldn’t survive without you—I can’t.” His pleading made my heart swell with pain. I wish I didn’t have to do this.
We were tearing each other apart. He wanted something that I couldn’t give him now, or maybe ever. My heart would have beat only for him once but now it had tarnished. I could never be his priority. He couldn’t be the man I wanted. We were broken. I needed time to heal and he needed time to gain himself back. There was no hope for us until we could find ourselves, and for that, we needed to leave each other behind and move on.
“Then just let me go, Joshua. I need to find myself, save myself from drowning in the pain of the past. I need to learn to love once again, and I can’t do it being with you. We are toxic to each other. Right now you think you need me—that you can’t live without me—but I would also be the constant reminder of what has passed between us. I would destroy you and myself more.” She turned partially away.
“I want you to make the right choice for yourself and me and going away for now is the best. We need to be apart from each other, need to move on, to learn to live without each other and still survive. We need to stabilize ourselves, forget the past, face what we have done to each other. It’s no more about us but about each other, Joshua. I need to be independent and learn to live without you—that’s what I need. Whereas for you, you need to survive in this world again, leaving behind the pain and guilt you feel deep down. You need to let go of the destructive life you lead, while holding so much burden of the past, shed it and walk away from it. There is a need for a time out between us. I can’t tell you for how long, but until we have found our happiness somewhere, maybe then we could fight for each other and find what we’ve lost. For now, though, we are over.” It hurt too damn much to utter this truth.