by Richa Resa
It was the stark pain of being ripped apart from each other, but it had to be done for each of our sakes. His eyes showed his pain, his tears telling the tale of how much he had lost, and the defeated look told how much I had ruined him. We were embraced by nothing but pain, the thick silence broken only by our constant sobs. Our eyes stared in each other’s soul.
“Does it mean we have a chance in the future? Do we hold a candle in the dark for our love, Eunice? Just tell me that and I’m willing to leave, because I love you so damn much I can’t bear to see you hurting anymore. I’m willing to walk out of here, a defeated, torn, and ruined man, knowing that I have no purpose to live for only if you could give me some hope. I will be lost without you—hell, I don’t want that. So just give me a hope to live for, something worth fighting for. Just let me know that can I have that one chance with you?” His words sliced my heart, knowing how much I was hurting him killed me from the inside.
“I don’t know, Joshua. I can’t give you false hope. I seriously don’t know where I stand right now. I’m so fucking confused. A chance has to be earned, and right now, whatever you do, I don’t think you could get that chance. I need to find myself, and you have to do the same for yourself. We are like lost souls, and together we’re destructive for now. I plead with you not to do something to yourself, because it would kill me. If you promise to stay intact for me, and find the person I lost, only then can I promise you that one day I will give you the time to earn another chance with me.” With a broken self, I lit a flame in his heart, a flame of hope that we could get a chance with each other.
I didn’t know when that time would come, when I would be able to give him that chance, but knowing that flame of hope will keep him surviving, will motivate him to be who he was, brought relief inside of me. His fingers reached for my cheeks, closing the gap between us, and I didn’t back away. I let him have this one last time. Wiping away my tears, his gaze made me burn under the wide intensity of his love. Tears streamed down from our eyes as we took in each other for the last time. His eyes hooded with pain and hurt still shined with the flame of hope.
“So this is the end of us, of you and me?” His question came from the worry that ate him away, the worry of losing each other forever. Biting my lip, I tried to stop the painful sob that willed to escape my lips. Looking away from him, I tried to control myself and the pain I felt. With deep breaths, I calmed myself and looked at him, only to have my heart crushed under the love in his eyes.
“No,” I breathed out a sigh, “Joshua, this is the beginning of you and me, of two people away from each other. We are parting our ways from here and beginning new lives. We can only hope that one day we will be strong enough to face each other again and start from where we lost it all.” My words mingled with the last ounce of love I felt for him. This was our end to have a new beginning. A painful sob escaped his lips and he embraced me in a hug. Crying our hearts out, we stood there in each other’s embrace. Breaking away, I looked at him for the last time, taking in the man I had loved for so long. I chewed on my bottom lip to stop myself from letting that painful cry out. His fingers freed my lip and hovered over it. I could see a longing in his eyes.
“Can I?” he asked, his fingers tracing my lips. I should have said no, but I gave myself over to the deep intensity of our love. For one last time, I let myself have his taste, the feeling of his touch, and feel the love we once shared. His lips descended upon mine as tears flowed freely. This was it—our end. I could taste our tears in our kiss. I let his tongue invade my lips, asking for the last taste of mine, his hands touching me for the last time, and our breath mingling with each other. No words were spoken while we took each other in completely. Soft trails of kisses were where it all ended. With our foreheads touching each other, we looked at each other for one last time. My hand caressed his cheek as I spoke the last word between us.
“Goodbye…Joshua.” As the words left my lips, our world was broken, we were finally apart. There ceased to exist the word us now. He looked into my eyes and stepped away from me. Slowly he took a few steps back and moved away from me. With tears in his eyes, he said his last words to me and walked away. I saw him going away with a broken, rejected heart, but those last words of his broke me more than anything.
“I will always love you, Eunice.” As he vanished from my sight, I walked into my room, where a painful cry escaped my lips. A cry for what I had done today, a cry for hurting him, and a cry for leaving it all behind. I cried for every last pain I felt, I let it all out. I didn’t know how long passed, but I was exhausted under the pressure of reality of what I had done.
A knock on my door made me move away from the small corner where I sat. Wiping away the remnants of my tears, I composed myself and walked towards the door. I hoped it wasn’t Joshua, because I didn’t have the guts to see him now. As I opened the door, I was met with blue eyes filled with sympathy.
“You shouldn’t have let him go, Eunice.” He paused. “That guy loves you more than himself. I could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I don’t know why you did it, but I’m here for you, because you don’t deserve this pain I see in your eyes. Why did you let him go, Eunice? Give me a good reason for letting go of the love of your life. Tell me because I’m willing to listen,” Craig said sincerely. Right then I understood that he was the anchor the fates had sent to help me find myself again…
Chapter 26
Joshua
Two days later…
I was numb. Vodka was my medicine and sleep was my enemy. Every time I slept I would see her, hear her laugh, feel her touching me. But all of it was an illusion, a dream that couldn’t be fulfilled. She was not coming back, we were done, and it tore my heart and soul apart. Why couldn’t she come back rather than leaving me haunted in the memories of the past? Who was I to blame for this pain I felt, the void that exists in my heart? Love was all I wanted from her. Taking that love of hers for granted for so long, betraying her in every move, tainting our home had left me with nothing but an empty house and heart. I had ruined her, but I had called destruction down upon myself. Without her I was empty, my life meant nothing to me. She said to find ourselves, but how could I do that when she was too far away? I wanted to let myself loose in the alcohol until I entered the state of oblivion. I didn’t know what to live for, how to control myself. What life was became the biggest question for me. Even if I wanted to start things over, how would I when guilt and shame drowned me to the bottom? I was lost, that was all I understood. I hated living alone in the big house, being haunted by the happy memories of the past that were torn apart because of my fucked fate and mind.
The doorbell rang with the pure evil intention of irritating me. But behind that doorbell was someone who had come to grace me with their presence. The thought of facing someone after the utter destruction of my life made me want to crawl into a cave. What was left for me to face? Pain and loneliness were constant reminders, telling me what I had done. The persistent ringing of the doorbell irritated me to new levels, where my mind was clouded by the thoughts of ripping the life out of that person who had come to talk to me. With pure annoyance and anger lingering inside, I accumulated the energy to stand up and walk to the door. On wobbling legs, I made myself approach the door, but halted as my greatest enemy came face to face with me. The bloody stairs, why did they have to exist in my house? My drunken state had taught me all about the injuries from gliding down the stairs. The bruises on my shoulder were proof enough. Latching myself onto the railing, my wobbly legs became capable of bringing me down. The doorbell ringing was now accompanied by banging on my door. After a good five minutes, I was able to reach my destination, my ears bleeding from the irritating, uninvited noises. Throwing open the door, I looked for the person behind this torture.
“What the hell took you so long?” Alex yelled. Balancing myself, I tried to stand straight, but vodka had me drowned as well.
‘Damn, you reek like an alcoholic.” His loud voice, laced with di
sgust, had no effect on me. He pushed me and dragged me inside of the house. It felt like a punishment.
“What the hell have you been doing? Everyone keeps calling you and you won’t even answer your damn phone. What’s up with you?” He glowered at me. I just shrugged, and I was quite sure it pissed him off more. Like a stubborn ass, I started to walk back upstairs, only to be dragged back by Alex. I wasn’t able to even understand what was happening all around me. He pushed me on the sofa, looking at me angrily.
“I asked you, damn it!” he yelled, but it didn’t affect me at all. I didn’t care about whoever called unless it was Eunice. She was the only being I cared about. It was the truth that without her, my life had become aimless and turned into nothing.
“Did she call?” I slurred out without even thinking. I already knew the answer.
“Yes, she called last night, and that’s why I’m here rather than enjoying my day with my wife. Do you even fucking care how your own decisions are fucking affecting everyone? Do you have a single idea about how desperate Eunice was when she asked me to go and check on you? God damn it, Joshua, you are not a five-year-old, you are a fucking grown up, so please act like one,” he seethed out in anger, yet nothing got inside my mind besides the fact that Eunice called. She called and asked to know about me. A smile graced my lips, a feeling of contentment took over in knowing that she still cared.
“Oh no, boy, don’t you dare smile at me, you idiot. Eunice called because she was scared that you would do something reckless, and she wasn’t ready to add the guilt of something happening to you. She also left the message to remind you that you have to fucking move on, that you have to find yourself, and start your life once again. She asked me to deliver this message to you myself, and asked that you forget her, that it would be better for your sake and hers also.” His words hurt, stabbed me in the heart. Forget her? Was it really that easy? I was in a place where I couldn’t move forward or even go back. Sadness filled me.
“God damn, Joshua, you have to fucking move on. Get the fuck away from this disastrous life you’re leading. Drowning in alcohol, living in your past. Get the hell out of there. You’re fucking upset—I get it. You haven’t been yourself for the past several months, and you have to fucking get yourself back. You know, I’m glad Eunice and Elle aren’t here, because it would have fucked up their worlds seeing you here like a piece of shit—turning yourself into an alcoholic. You are becoming the man you never wanted to be! What has fucking changed that you wish to be a man like your father, who died without an ounce of caring about his wife and son? He took the easy way out, you said, and now you are yourself following the same path.” Every word burned me in a fire of agony from the inside. I was losing myself in the pits of the effect of the alcohol, but still his every word was clear to me.
I had promised myself I would never be the man my father was, that very man who left me and my mother to starve on the road. He was falling into pits of debt and yet he decided to take the easy way out by killing himself through drinking. I hated him, he disgusted me, he killed my childhood, and he put my mom and me through misery, left us alone with the sharks asking to repay his debt. How could I want to turn into a man like him? I promised myself, and more than that, promised my mother on her deathbed that I would never be like him. Whatever happened, I wouldn’t turn my back on life and drown in alcohol and yet here I was. If Eunice and Elle had still been present, they would have been disappointed in me, and my mother would have felt betrayed, just like when Dad died. This thought had a chilling effect on me. I felt like someone had thrown me into icy water. The reconciliation of the fact that I was turning into the man I never wanted drowned away all the effect of alcohol on me. How come I had grown so weak? I could feel tears emerging in my eyes.
“Say something, buddy,” Alex pleaded. “Do something for yourself. I know Elle is gone and Eunice isn’t here either, but you have got to live. Life has to move on. Your mother would have pushed you to stand up again, to build yourself again rather than acting like your own alcoholic father who died because of it. Man up, Joshua, and face this shit that life is giving you. Nothing comes out of sulking and drinking. Nothing comes without fighting for the things you want. Fight for the life you once wanted to live.” His words stirred something deep inside of me, giving me strength, and pushing me to not give up. I broke into silent tears. I couldn’t stop, and I didn’t care how it made me look. I willed to push myself once again to live. I desired to feel the emotions I had lost, the happiness that was gone, and find the sun that had stopped brightening my life. I wanted life once again, to become the man I desired.
***
A few days later…
I stared at the rising sun while clutching the things dearest to me—Elle’s blanket, Eunice’s locket, and my mother’s photograph—they were my greatest treasure. This was all I had left of all those dear to me. I wanted to change for them, turn into a better person for them, and that was what I willed to achieve. Sobered up after so many days, I understood that I had done things I was not proud of. The depth of my mistakes were enough to drown me. Looking back, I saw a devil in me, a monster, but not a man.
I decided to leave the past behind here in this house. I needed to start a new life, move on, and try to build myself again. I was walking away from here with these three greatest treasures of mine. Standing up, I walked around the house for the last time. This was the end of my past here. This place was haunted by the memories of the past and the essence of my sins were here. I couldn’t bear to stay here, the past tried to choke me to death. Renting a small apartment somewhere near my office, my decision to move on took root. I didn’t know when I would visit this place again. This was just a place, not home. Home was where my heart was, and it was with Eunice. I prayed that one day I would earn that one chance to win her heart once again—after all, she was the only one left who could love me. No one could love me like she did. She made me believe that true love only happens once.
Without even a second glance at the house, I walked away, leaving all the materialistic things and only taking the emotionally attached items with me because it was only these emotions which gave me strength to become whom I wanted.
This was the new beginning…
The new start…
And a new life…
With the rising sun, I walked away from the past to a new life.
Chapter 27
Eunice
Two months later…
“Are you bloody sure about this, Eunice?” Nora asked while Clarisse looked at me with wide eyes. Craig, on the other side, didn’t seem fazed. He seemed shocked, but he did understand. Nora looked at him and her anger fumed.
“Was this your bloody idea? I swear to God I will kill you if I come to know that you were the one who entertained this idea! She isn’t ready for this yet! Gosh, it has only been two months since she got out of the relationship!” She seethed in anger. Craig, on the other hand, snorted, giving her a wayward look.
“Says the woman who slept with me just a week after we met,” he replied back.
“Watch yourself, Craig. Try to enrage me and I will kill you in your bloody sleep!” Well, I knew that was never going to happen. In the past two months, they had been trying to get on as a couple, but with a hot-headed Nora, it seemed to be going nowhere. Craig wanted to tame the wildness at all cost. Let’s hope he didn’t get himself bitten.
“Nora, shut it, would you?” Clarisse cut in. “This god forsaken idea is hers, but god help me, Eunice, do you have any idea what you are suggesting? It has only been two months since you had handled yourself back. God damn it, are you even ready for this?” she asked. “It just seems so hasty. What happened to the promise you made to him? I know I rejected the idea at that time, but what you want is crazy. It smells like rebound or even a fucking one-night stand.” Clarisse tried to put some sense into me, but I couldn’t bring myself to think about the promise I made to him. I had given him my word that he would get a second chance, b
ut he would have to earn it. However the last month I spent with Craig and his brother made me realize that some things are to be left off, not to worry about. I gave him chances, I waited for him, I begged him to take me back. How much more could I do?
“God, can you all just trust me for once? You want to talk about him, Clarisse. Did you see me when he rejected my love and choose Anne? Or what about the time when I tried to kill myself? I wanted a husband, a family, everlasting love, everything one could imagine about a solid true love, and what the hell did I get? A year or two of happiness and then when fate turned his eyes away, I was pulled into months of misery, pains that I wish no one to bear, accusations of something I never could think of, breaking me to the point where death seemed the only hope for me. Was that what I deserved?” I questioned, leaving them speechless. I wanted to do this, to move on. I just wanted to move forward without my past. I had put my mind to rest from all thoughts of him. I just couldn’t think about him every damn time without remembering the past. He had been mine for a short period, mine to love and I was his, but it was all short, temporary. He became the monster of my dreams. We were complementary to each other but I didn’t know what happened later on. Without him, I didn’t feel whole, but I had to try again. A part of me was missing. It was my own self that I was before I married him, before the tragedy hit us. I wanted to put in the effort to learn to become that person again, to be me.