The Shadow Behind Her Smile

by Janene Wood

  Kate had fallen instantly in love with the twins and was happy to tend to all their needs – feeding them, changing them, playing with them – while Heather kept track of the terrible threesome, making sure they didn't kill each other or set the house alight. It wasn't until two hours later that the boys were finally exhausted enough to sit down on the floor and play quietly with their Lego blocks. There was the usual sniping and bickering, but at least they were still and relatively quiet, allowing the girls to settle the babies for their afternoon nap.

  Mandy and Sally were soon fast asleep in their cots, sprawled on their backs, arms out-stretched beneath the gently spinning overhead fan. Kate and Heather took turns checking on them, but once they'd properly nodded off, it was clear that nothing less than a nuclear blast would rouse them. For the first time since they arrived, the older girls finally had a chance to sit down and catch their breath.

  Kate allowed the relative peace and quiet to wash over her for a few moments before finally spilling the news that had been threatening to burst her seams all afternoon. “You'll never guess what's happened! I got a letter from New Idea and they want to publish one of my stories!”

  “That's fantastic, Kate!” exclaimed Heather. “Which one?”

  “It's the one about the girl who lost her dog and discovered a grandfather she never knew she had.”

  Heather frowned. “It's not your best,” she said critically, “but it's still really good. I'm glad your hard work has finally paid off, Kate.”

  Kate shrugged. “It's hard for me to think of writing as work – not that it's easy, mind. It's more of a compulsion than anything else; something I have no control over. If I don't write a little every day, all the ideas inside my head start to build up and my brain feels like it’s going to implode.”

  Heather smiled at the description. “Well, whatever you call it, your stories make people feel good and I'm glad you're being rewarded for it. You are being paid, right?”

  “$82.35,” replied Kate smugly.

  “Wow! You'll be rich and famous in no time,” remarked Heather enviously.

  “Yeah, right,” scoffed Kate. She paused, looking at her friend. “Did you mean what you said? Do my stories really make people feel good?”

  “Duh, yeah! You have a real gift for touching a person’s heart. Speaking for myself, your stories take me away to a quiet, peaceful place and make me forget everything else that's going on around me.”

  “Really?” said Kate doubtfully. “My stories do all that?”

  “Really,” Heather assured her, smiling.

  Kate was still skeptical. “I find that hard to believe.”

  “It's true,” insisted Heather, laughing now.

  “Well, it's nice of you to say so anyway.”

  Heather's smiling face turned serious suddenly and Kate could tell she had something on her mind. “You look like you've been sucking one of those sour lemon drops,” observed Kate tartly. “What's up?”

  “Look, there's never going to be a good time to tell you, so I'm just going to spit it out,” said Heather. “My Nona passed away.”

  Kate stared at her friend for a long moment, amazed at how detached she felt. How calm. Surely she should feel some sort of strong emotion at the old lady's passing? Anger or grief or a touch of sadness, perhaps. Nona had been her friend for a long time, far longer than she had been her...what? Foe? Enemy? Nemesis? No. None of those words came close to describing the sad relic of a woman Nona had become. For the first time, Kate was able to admit that Nona could not have been in her right mind during that terrible Christmas day at the hospital, when she and Father Peter attempted to exorcise her. It wasn't Nona's fault, realised Kate belatedly. It was simply a cruel twist of the natural order of things. Sometimes the body survived long past the brain's ability to keep pace.

  “When?” asked Kate.

  “Two weeks ago.”

  “Oh!” So long! Heather had kept Nona's passing a secret for two long weeks! Hiding her grief, all on account of her! Thinking back over the past fortnight, Kate remembered two days when Heather didn't turn up for school. She told everyone she'd had the flu, but she probably stayed home to attend the funeral and spend time with her family. “I'm so sorry, Heather. I know how much you loved her.”

  “She wasn't well for a really long time,” said Heather softly. “The thing is...the reason I bring it up now, is that she left you something in her will.”

  “Really?”

  “She wanted you to have one of her combs.”

  “But she promised them to you!”

  For as long as Kate had known her, Nona had worn her long, grey hair twisted up in a bun, held in place by a pair of beautiful, sterling-silver combs, given to her by her husband on their wedding day more than 60 years ago. Heather had always coveted the combs, and Nona had promised she could have them after she died.

  “I know, but her will said we should get one each.”

  Shaking her head, Kate said, “That's not fair, you should have them both. She was your great-grandmother. They should stay in the family.”

  “No, I want you to have it, Kate. Honestly. Nona loved you! You spent far more time with her than I ever did. What she did that day...that wasn't the real Nona. You need to know that and try to forgive her.”

  Kate wanted so much to believe that was true. “I do; I guess…”

  Jeremy, the eldest of the three boys, chose that exact moment to throw the Lego house he had been building against the wall, sending plastic blocks flying in every direction and putting a noticeable dent in the plaster. A few seconds later, the piercing wail of a prematurely awakened infant erupted from down the hall.

  “Jeremy!” cried Heather irritably. “That was very naughty of you! You've woken up one of your sisters.”

  “But I'm hungry,” he wailed, as if that was sufficient reason to justify his actions. “I want something to eat!”

  “You won't be eating anything if your manners don't improve.”

  Kate wistfully recalled the peace and quiet of moments before and supposed it was greedy to have expected more than half an hour of it. “I'll get the boys something to eat,” she offered, thinking Heather might strangle the little monsters if she had to deal with them right now. “Try giving the baby her dummy. Maybe she'll go back to sleep.”

  “I'll give it a go,” replied Heather, reluctantly climbing up off the comfortable sofa.

  “Come on boys. Let’s go see what there is for afternoon tea.”

  Needing no further encouragement, the boys raced off to the kitchen. A quick search of the pantry revealed a miraculously intact chocolate cake and a bottle of red cordial. Just what they needed; more sugar to hype them up. Kate was pouring a glass of cordial for herself and Heather when she heard her friend's shout from down the hall.

  “Kate! Come quick!”

  Kate didn't like the odd note in Heather's voice. She quickly screwed the lid back on the bottle of cordial and told the boys to behave themselves until she got back. She flew out of the kitchen, her thoughts in turmoil. Why did Heather sound like that? Was one of the babies sick? Had one of her inexpertly pinned nappies come loose and leaked everywhere? Both scenarios were equally scary.

  “What’s wrong?” Kate stood inside the nursery door and couldn't see anything amiss. Sally had pulled herself upright and was holding onto the side of her cot, wailing to be picked up. There were no tell-tale stains or obvious clothing malfunctions. Mandy was still sound asleep, lying exactly as she had been earlier.

  Except that her lips were blue.

  Heather's face was as white as a ghost. Terror filled her eyes. “Kate! She won't wake up!”

  Kate rushed to Mandy's side, pushing Heather out of the way and dropping the side of the cot down. Picking the little girl up and cradling her in her arms, Kate knew at once that the child had stopped breathing some time ago. Her body was limp, her skin already cool to the touch. It had to have been several minutes at least since she last took a breath.
r />   “Help her!” demanded Heather frantically.

  Kate was no doctor, but she could see it was probably too late for anything to be done. Even her esoteric abilities were useless when the patient was already dead. But still, she would try. Of course, she would try! If there was even the slightest chance...

  Taking a deep breath, she tried to calm her wildly beating heart. This was the hardest part, forging a clear path through the turmoil of her thoughts and emotions to reach the very core of her being; trying to centre herself and gather sufficient energy and momentum to push through the barriers of flesh and blood and bone. Somehow, knowing it was probably for no purpose, it was easier than usual.

  Holding Mandy's perfect little hand in hers, Kate's mind delved deeply into the limp flesh of the infant, searching for some spark of life, some remaining trace of spirit. She willed the little girl to breathe, suffusing her with all the energy she had gathered and every last ounce of hope she possessed. But with every second that passed, with every second her body was deprived of oxygen, it became less and less likely she could be revived. Nevertheless, Kate refused to give up just yet. Just a little longer... If she could just find that spark...

  Kate delved deeper and deeper, but there was nothing to find. She could feel the tears sliding down her face as the truth became irrefutable. The last spark of life had been extinguished. Mandy's fragile spirit had left her body. Nothing remained but a tiny corpse and the shattered remnants of her parent's hopes and dreams.

  “At this stage, it looks like a simple case of cot death,” Dr Friedman said matter-of-factly. “I've examined the baby and spoken to each of the girls and there are no suspicious circumstances. Unfortunately, it's one of those tragedies for which there is no medical explanation. Sometimes babies stop breathing. No one knows exactly why.”

  Dan Preston stared at him uncomprehendingly, hearing the words, but unable to make any sense of them. Sonia was lying in bed, sedated, having erupting in a frenzy of hysterical screaming as soon as she saw her daughter's body, collapsing with the weight of her grief.

  Heather wasn't far from hysteria herself, but was holding it together with the aid of her mother, who was first on the scene after Kate's frantic phone call. To both girls’ relief, she had immediately taken charge. The first thing she did was track down Dr Friedman, coincidentally attending the same wedding as the Prestons. The poor doctor had had the insupportable task of breaking the news to the baby's parents and following them home. At which point Sonia fell straight to pieces. June Friedman had accompanied her husband from the wedding and was caring for baby Sally and trying to occupy the three scared little boys while their father attempted to understand the terrible tragedy that had befallen his family.

  Rosa and Heather were huddled together in a corner of the dining room while Dr Friedman explained to Dan Preston what happened to his child. Kate observed the scene as if from a great distance, feeling sorry for both men. No explanation on earth would make poor Mr Preston feel better, but it had to be done, before the grieving could begin. She also felt rather sorry for Heather and herself. This would likely scar them forever, maybe putting them off having babies of their own.

  “It wasn't your fault, darling,” Kate heard Rosa whisper to her daughter for the twentieth time. “It wasn't anyone's fault. The doctor said so. It was her time, that's all. God called her home to heaven.”

  Heather began sobbing again and Kate envied her the comfort of her mother's arms. She wished desperately that Jane was here to whisper comforting words in her ear, and her absence made the whole dreadful experience even more unbearable. So much loss in her life...Maggie, Jane, Frank, Nona... Now this tiny baby who had never done anybody any harm. Mandy had never even had a chance to live! How could God be so cruel as to take back a little baby like that, like a lousy Indian-giver? To allow her parents to fall in love with her and then snatch her away before she could love them back! What was the point?

  Kate needed to get out of the house, away from the crying and the despair and the poor, broken Preston family. Where was Sam? He said he would be right here, but it was forty minutes since she'd called him at the garage. He should be here by now! Kate walked across to the front door, willing the familiar black Anglia to come tearing up the driveway.

  “Is there anyone I can call to come and sit with you?” June Friedman was asking Dan Preston. “A family member? You shouldn't have to go through this alone.”

  “They're all at the wedding,” replied Dan listlessly. He was doing a good job maintaining his composure in front of the boys, but it was taking all his self-control. “I'll call them later...when it’s over.”

  The doctor returned his stethoscope to his black leather bag and turned to face the distraught father again, this time as a friend and neighbour, rather than a medical professional. “We'll stay with you until they come. We can help with the arrangements if you like.”

  “Thanks, Doc, I'd appreciate that,” said Dan gratefully. A forlorn tear slid down one cheek, but he brushed it away with the back of his hand.

  “Why don't I make us all a cup of tea,” offered Rosa. She guided Heather to an empty lounge chair and said she would be back in a minute. As soon as Heather was seated, Jeremy pulled himself up off the floor and climbed onto her lap, snuggling his small body against hers and wrapping his spindly arms around her neck.

  That was the last straw. “I'm so sorry!” cried Kate. “I can’t stay here!”

  Tears streaming down her face, she pushed open the screen door and blindly made her way outside, no longer caring if Sam was there or not, nor even if she had to walk all the way home. That sad, sad house reminded her too much of everything she herself had lost. She was so afraid of breaking down in front of everyone and creating a scene. The last thing she wanted was to add to the Prestons’ suffering.

  Stumbling down the driveway, Kate almost ran into the front of Sam's car. Relieved beyond words at her brother's propitious arrival, she didn't even question the presence of Tayo, who climbed out of the front seat and held the door open for her before getting in the back. Sam reversed back down the driveway and onto the road and soon the Preston house was far behind them. Without saying a word to the boys, Kate wound down her window and stuck her head outside. Savouring the wind on her face and the fresh air in her lungs, she didn't care that her hair had become an impossible tangle of knots or that her skin would be red and sore tomorrow from windburn. She filled her lungs again and again, taking long, deep breaths until her mind was no longer filled with images of dead babies and tormented parents. Inside the car, Sam and Tayo were unusually quiet, giving her time to get her head right.

  At long last she settled back into her seat and wound the window up. Turning to her brother, she gave him a wan smile. “Thanks for coming to get me, Sammy.” Her eyes were a stormy grey colour, a clear sign she was upset.

  “No problem, bruv,” said Sam.

  “I'll be all right,” she told him, seeing his concern. “It wasn't my baby who died.” She looked properly at their surroundings for the first time and was surprised to see they were cruising down the Bruce Highway. A sign up ahead advised it was three miles to Tully. “Where are we going?”

  Sam shrugged. “Nowhere in particular. I didn't think you'd want to go straight home.”

  Kate nodded, grateful for his thoughtfulness and thinking to herself how much he had grown up in the last year. He would make someone a decent husband one day – if he ever developed a proper interest in girls. At the moment, he spent far too much time with his head stuck under the bonnet of his and other people's cars. A random memory flashed into her head of a trip they had taken with Jane and Frank to look at cars.

  “Do you remember that place we stopped at on the way back from Townsville that time?” asked Kate, her tone wistful. “We had fish and chips on the beach and were attacked by a horde of feral seagulls.”

  “Yeah, 'course. That was the day I found the Anglia. It's actually not far from here. We could stop and get ice-cr
eam if you want,” suggested Sam. “Maybe feed the seagulls?”

  Kate laughed for the first time in what seemed like an age. “Ice-cream, yes. Seagulls, no.”

  They drove for another fifteen minutes in companionable silence. Kate kept glancing over her shoulder at Tayo, thinking she had never known him to be so quiet for so long. He just grinned back at her as if everything was perfectly normal.

  They found a parking space down the street from the ice-cream shop and walked the rest of the way. Kate chose a scoop of strawberry and one of vanilla, and Sam and Tayo both had double scoops of chocolate chip. They sat at a bench overlooking the street and watched the passers-by strolling unhurriedly back and forth, enjoying the mild weather. None of them had had to deal with anything so awful as a dead infant today, thought Kate bitterly. Then she noticed a man in a wheelchair in front of the cafe next door, and was immediately ashamed. Things could be a great deal worse, she reflected; at least she and her brothers were all fit and healthy. She tried to imagine being stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. Would that be better or worse than dying? she wondered, thinking how awful it must be not to be able to run or jump or climb or just go where you wanted, when you wanted. Imagine not being able to walk! How awful would that be? But at least you could still be with your family and friends. It was an easy bet Jane would have chosen that over being parted from her children.

  Unfortunately, she didn’t get to choose.

  “Ready to go?” asked Sam at last.

  Kate stuffed the rest of her cone in her mouth and nodded that she was. Now that a little more time had passed, she felt much more like her normal self. Still sad, but no longer brimful of despair. “Let’s go home.”

  They were walking back to the car when a woman stepped out of the cafe next door and ran straight into Kate. Mumbling an automatic apology, Kate was about to keep walking when she realised who it was. “Hey! Holly! What are you doing here?”

  Holly was visibly shocked to see her and for once in her life was at a loss for words. She looked furtively from side to side before forcing a smile. “Katy love! What a nice surprise. Oh, there's Sam and Tayo too. What brings you lot to this neck of the woods?”