The Catalyst

by Angela Jardine

  He also suspected Jenny must be just as tired, probably more so, as she had emotional stresses to contend with as well. He stirred the stew with his spoon to cool it.

  ‘Well, you could do if you wanted to … y’know ... use this place as a smallholding. Maybe this place could give you some sort of living. It would be a different quality of life of course,’ she said as she sat down opposite him in the other armchair.

  He thought about her words, aware of the query her words had raised in his mind. A different quality of life … maybe a better quality of life? He nodded vaguely, trying to analyse what it was he really wanted. Jenny too sat thoughtful, gazing into the flames in the wide fireplace, her bowl of stew nestled on an oven-cloth on her lap.

  For a brief moment he felt sadness emanating from her before thinking how much they looked like some traditional farming couple.

  ‘Will this bloody stuff never cool?’ He pushed at his food, eager to divert her from any touch of melancholy. ‘It smells good and I’m ravenous!’

  ‘Just blow on it, Jasper ... and eat round the edges where it’s cooler.’ She smiled at his impatience and instantly a picture of his mother saying the same thing rose in his mind and he saw a happier scene from his childhood, a time before all the misery.

  The memory was disconcerting and he put his head down and ate, concentrating on the stew, determined not to live in the past. He knew that if he once gave way to such thoughts the risk of the memories chasing him away from the farm would become very real and then Jem would have won. Jem would triumph over him from the grave as he had in the physical battles of their life and he was bloody well damned if he was going to let that happen.

  He turned his attention back to Jenny. Chopping the logs he had begun to wonder who was going to benefit most from this little adventure of theirs. On the face of it they had come here for Jenny to take stock of her life and think seriously about leaving Jimmy but strangely Jasper was beginning to suspect that he might get more out of the arrangement.

  Clearing the farmhouse of its old furniture and cleaning the rooms had been a profoundly cathartic process for him, as if they were somehow exorcising the lingering ghost of Jeremy Carne. There was another feeling he didn’t want to isolate. For some reason the thought that this feeling might be some sort of domestic contentment made him anxious.

  The stew was tasty and he ate it quickly, dipping satisfyingly large wedges of a wholemeal loaf into it and giving it his undivided attention. The food somehow exemplified everything about his temporary life with Jenny.

  It was what the expensive restaurants he usually frequented called ‘peasant food’, not in a derogatory way but as a description of simple, uncomplicated food. He fancied it was not just nourishing his body, it was also somehow feeding his soul. It was wholesome, like Jenny, he thought, but it was only after a second helping that he looked up at her.

  ‘I think I might just have had a touch of pigginess there.’

  ‘Good, I probably made too much anyway.’ Her earlier pensiveness had gone. ‘I knew you would be hungry after all that wood cutting.’

  ‘There’s still so much work to do though. The roof for one thing … I think we’ll need to get it fixed professionally. My putting back the loose slates is not going to be enough, especially when the October gales come.’ He frowned at the thought.

  Jenny nodded, doubting she would still be living there when the October gales came. Neither of them had set a deadline for her stay but she felt sure she would have resolved her position long before then. It was early days yet. The ‘living without Jimmy’ experiment had really only just begun and the scorpion sting of his last betrayal was still very raw in her heart.

  Jasper liked to talk of them doing everything to the farm together, almost as if they were partners, in a business sense of the word. At least that was how she had interpreted his meaning. She did not think he even realised he was doing it and it worried her a little. He must not expect her to stay with him forever, she might choose to return to Jimmy.

  Jasper had wondered if they would feel any awkwardness with one another when they had started living together but so far it had felt so natural, so easy. He wondered why that was. The memory of the couple of nights when they had slept in front of the fire on the upturned table stuffed with straw rose in his mind again.

  Exhausted by the turbulent emotions of her day Jenny had instantly fallen asleep in his arms but he had hardly slept at all he was so aware of her. He had lain awake vividly remembering the way they had lost their virginity together and the emotional discomfort it had brought in its wake.

  He watched her now clearing the table, hearing her asking him if he wanted some fruit. Wasn’t there something unnatural about their friendship? After all, it’s not as if we’re brother and sister. Shouldn’t I want to get her into bed? He had to admit to a certain sexual curiosity about her but hoped it was just natural male instinct. When he remembered it was Jenny, his oldest friend, a sort of soul sister, wondering about her in that way seemed somehow disrespectful.

  On the face of it they were just two friends sharing a house for a short time but it felt like more to Jasper and his inability to understand just what was going on frustrated him. He suspected he was being a control freak. After all there must be many more ways human beings could live together other than the ones usually thought up by society. Wearily, he got up to throw another log on the fire and help Jenny clear away the dishes.

  Later, as she cut out fabric shapes with which to decorate some cushions she had brought back from the farm, more as a diversion for her mind than for any practical reason, Jasper read the emails on his iPhone.

  Already he was getting twitchy, knowing he would be somewhat out of touch with his business partner, Thierry Montford, until all available methods of contact had been set up. In his business time was vitally important, delay could lose him lucrative contracts and he had many expensive debts. Jasper laughed a little self-consciously as he told Jenny about his marine salvage business.

  ‘It’s a bit like wrecking ... only legitimate. Well, it’s in the blood down here, isn’t it?’ he said.

  She was aware of his pride as he showed her the pictures of his ships on his laptop. On a purely selfish level the fact that Jasper might have difficulty setting up his work from the farm made her nervous. She knew she desperately needed time away from Jimmy to reflect and decide on her next move. She had to get it right and any difficulties Jasper had running his business from a distance could jeopardise this important mental space for her.

  His end of the kitchen table was covered in papers and she watched him frowning and making notes on them as he reached absently for his phone again. He pressed a single quick dial button and she knew it would be to discuss something with Thierry.

  He did not seem to have contacted Amanda or at least not in her hearing. She felt a little anxious about this, hoping she would not come between them, not realising she already had. Jasper had spoken to Amanda, he had simply not shared the details of their somewhat heated conversation with Jenny and he had certainly not shared with Amanda the real reason why he needed to stay on at the farm for a while.

  Putting down her scissors Jenny took the cutout shape of a pear over to the fireside and sat down to sew it onto the cushion cover. The precise nature of the stitching work absorbed her as she had hoped it would, helping to clear her mind of any thoughts of Jimmy and she was glad she had thought to bring her needlework away with her.

  Jasper’s voice broke into her concentration. It seemed Thierry was disagreeing on some sort of policy and she watched a Jasper she had never seen before. His answer was forceful and his words were ruthless.

  ‘Thierry, stop taking this shit. Tell them they agreed the terms and we’ll see them in court if they don’t finish the payments for that job. They made a pile of money out of it and it’s only old man Baines wanting to hang on to more of it for his next project. Tell him we’ve had enough of his time-wasting … and tell him he can find s
ome other company next time.’

  He caught her looking at him and shrugged, holding up the palms of his hands towards her as if to hold back some expected onslaught from her.

  ‘What?’ He grinned shamefaced as she laughed at him. ‘Okay ... so no more Mister Nice Guy, huh?’

  ‘It certainly doesn’t sound like it,’ she said, strangely pleased he appeared to be able to take care of himself as an adult when he had been so vulnerable as a child, ‘but I’m glad of it, Jazz.’

  Their eyes met and she knew she did not have to explain her comment, he knew what she meant.

  ‘Have you thought at all ... er, much ... today, about Jimmy? I just wondered …’ He found he was holding his breath, wanting her to say no, she hadn’t thought of Jimmy at all. What was he thinking, how could she have thought of anything else? He felt a fool for asking such a dumb question.

  ‘Honestly? Yes, I have thought a lot about him and I am still very angry with him ... but I have to be realistic, Jazz. I can’t stay here with you forever.’

  He wanted to ask why not.

  ‘Look … I know Jimmy hardly represents security but ... oh, I don’t know ... I’m just hoping I won’t feel so confused about things over the next few days. I know I need to make some sort of rational decision about my future and I just have to get it right.’

  ‘Do you think you still ... love him?’

  They were both aware of the slight pause in Jasper’s question and both of them wondered why he had paused.

  ‘Except for the anger I don’t know what I really feel for him anymore. Everything seems so jumbled up, I just know I really need some security in my life especially now I’m ...’ she hesitated, reluctant to bring attention to the fact, ‘getting older. I suppose I just need to accept that Jimmy will never be able to provide me with any sort of security.’

  Jasper nodded, heartened by the way she now seemed able to discuss her situation rationally.

  ‘If you left him I could help you find somewhere to live ... if you didn’t want to live here that is … but, of course you could still live here … if you wanted. I will have to return to London sometime.’ His dismay at the thought startled him. ‘I could pay you to look after it for me ... you could be a sort of housekeeper ...’

  His words trailed off and he hid an inward wince, hoping she would not be offended by that last comment. It was one of the things she had accused Jimmy of, but then Jimmy was supposed to be her loving partner.

  ‘Then you could decide if you needed to continue working at the surf shop,’ he hurried on, knowing she would have liked to have given that up.

  ‘And what if you and Amanda wanted to come down here for a holiday? I couldn’t be here then ... I would be intruding,’ she said, insisting on being practical.

  ‘I don’t think I’d ever get Amanda down here … it’s hardly The Maldives, is it?’ He grinned at her. ‘And besides I’m not sure I want to share this place with her, I think its appeal may be too subtle for her.’

  He felt a swift pang of guilt at this disloyalty but knew that his words were more or less the truth. ‘But I could still come when I wanted to and I would know the place was in good hands. I would know that it was being looked after … kept clean, aired, properly cared for ...’ He was warming to his idea now and to him it seemed like the perfect solution.

  ‘Hmm, maybe ... I’m not sure.’

  She frowned. She knew it seemed like a good idea to Jasper, so why was she so intent on looking for the flaw in the plan?

  A life at the farm certainly painted a seductive picture in her mind, scenes of herself feeding chickens and gathering vegetables she had grown herself gave way to lazy Sunday lunchtimes with friends eating and chatting around the old kitchen table. She was almost won over. Then she pictured Jimmy alone, struggling with tax returns and shopping for food and knew herself still in love with him.

  Jasper, watching all the expressions moving across her face, could see the exact moment when she saw Jimmy Fisher in her mind’s eye. Will she never, ever see him as he really is? Can’t she see it wouldn’t take him long to replace her? Some other, no doubt younger, woman would move in and before long she too would become his next drudge.

  Wake up Jenny, he urged mutely, wary of openly criticising Jimmy, knowing he would feel hurt hearing her spring to Jimmy’s defence. He, better than anyone, knew her loyalty could be ferocious and he suspected that despite all the pain she had so far endured at Jimmy’s hands, she still had not yet reached any sort of cutoff point in her tolerance of him.

  ‘At least think about it, Jen?’

  She nodded obediently, the faraway watching of Jimmy Fisher still in her eyes.

  Jenny came to his bed in the early hours of the next day. He was drowsily aware of her climbing in beside him clad in the red tartan pyjamas and the woolly socks he had bought her to help her keep warm in the damp air of the unheated bedrooms. He was surprised and touched but he didn’t delude himself she had come for anything more than the comfort of his physical presence as she settled down with her back to him.

  He wondered if, in her sleepy state, she had even noticed he slept naked. He was very tempted to snuggle up to her and curve his body around hers as he had the night they had slept in front of the kitchen fire but was concerned that a certain part of his anatomy with a mind of its own might misread the situation. Reluctantly he turned his back on her just in case and soon fell asleep again.

  A gentle rocking motion woke him. It was dawn and the bedroom was full of fragile light. Jenny was pushing at his shoulder to wake him.

  ‘Jazz, Jazz ...wake up … look at the light … it’s lovely ... so beautiful!’ she whispered.

  He raised himself on an elbow, gazing bleary-eyed at the sight of the sun sitting on the horizon. The light caught the circle of ancient standing stones that stood two fields away and gave them elongated and vaguely menacing shadows. For a moment he was transported back in time with fanciful imaginings of tall figures in long robes with staffs and flowing beards, fooling the ignorant they were controlling the rising sun with drums and chants and invocations.

  He smiled wryly to himself. Yeah, I’m home all right, getting as fey as the rest of them, he thought.

  ‘Wow, you’re right, that is beautiful!’ he whispered back before asking, ‘Why are we whispering?’

  ‘Well, you never know who’s listening in this place,’ she said, with mock mysteriousness. He took the mug of tea she had made for him and looked at her as she sat on the end of his bed to watch the sunrise.

  She sat with her arms around her knees, her sleep-tousled hair all over the place and he could see the echo of the wild little girl she had once been. A sudden pang of tenderness for her swept over him and he vowed to himself he would do whatever it took to protect and care for her. Such an abrupt revelation of his real feelings took his breath away and he choked on his drink.

  Jenny instantly turned to face him with amused concern and that was when he knew for sure it was true. He could bury, hide, rationalise, this sudden and inconvenient insight but it would still be there underneath everything, waiting to surface every now and again like a dolphin breaching the waves. He could never leave, either her or the farm. It would be better just to face the fact now and work his life around it somehow.

  ‘You okay?’ she said, sensing something major was going on within him.

  ‘Yeeeess, I suppose I am ... and you’re whispering again ...’ he said absently, thinking he had better get planning a new life, his new life. He should ring and tell Amanda. No, better to talk to Amanda face to face, it was obvious now that he needed to separate himself from her and it had to be done amicably. Amicable with Amanda, he knew, would involve money.

  He would need to go to London to sort this. He would need to see Thierry and work something out with the business. Maybe shift some of it down here to one of the local harbours? Did he even still want to run a salvage company? His mind whirled and he was suddenly aware of a rising feeling of excitement.
Here was a new and exciting challenge and it exhilarated him even though there was no way of knowing what would happen between himself and Jenny.

  Given the strangeness of their feelings for one another it seemed certain they would never be lovers even though he knew his feelings constituted a sort of love. He acknowledged the fact dispassionately, knowing he was on the brink of a new life, a life he suddenly knew he really wanted in a place he loved above all other.

  It was only when he was standing in front of a vastly amused Jenny that he realised he had leapt out of bed without remembering he was naked. It didn’t matter, nothing mattered now except the prospect of a new life. Grabbing her hand he dragged her down the stairs and out into the dewy morning.

  A late vixen trailing wearily home with a rabbit in her jaws stopped momentarily as if shocked by the man, naked except for his Wellington boots, walking towards the rising sun at the other end of the farmyard. She moved on quickly as he raised his arms.

  ‘Help me, O Great Sun, help me find my way in a new life.’ He was only partly mocking and he was pleased to hear his foolishness had made Jenny chuckle.

  She watched him walking towards the sunrise, admiring his strong shoulders and the intriguing inward curves on the outside of his neat buttocks, wishing again she could have this sort of relationship with Jimmy.

  Suddenly he turned and rushed at her, grabbing her so she shrieked with surprise and they stood laughing until they were breathless, their arms around one another in the weak sunlight. It was a good moment, a perfect moment in their extraordinary friendship and he would remember it often and use it to sustain himself in the dark times that came afterwards.

  Chapter 12

  It was only the next day as he lifted his head from all the planning for his new life that Jasper realised Jenny had still not returned from her grocery shopping trip to Dehwelyans. It was getting dark. She should have returned an hour ago.

  He had a fleeting feeling of misgiving and decided they must find her a better car. Her old banger would crumble if anyone crashed into it with too much force. He smiled despite the macabre thought, thinking it was only the mud holding the thing together, shrugging any scarier thoughts away.