Romeo and the Angel: Impossible Crush Chronicles

by Leeann M. Shane

  With my angel.

  When the door opened, and I saw her face, my rotten soul shook off its numb stupor.

  She was adorably nervous, poking her head into the room, eyes intent on finding mine. “Hi,” she said softly.

  I put both my hands up in a peaceful gesture. “I won’t ask you anything. You can even do all the talking. I won’t say a word.”

  Her shoulders sagged and she slipped into my room, wearing skinny jeans and a pretty white sweater. Her hair was in a messy bun and she had a box in her arms. She set the box down on the chair and came to me, wordlessly hugging my head to her chest.

  I held her there, inhaling her vanilla pineapple scent until I was lightheaded.

  “Don’t do that again.”

  She kissed my temple. “Do what?”

  “Leave me like that.”

  A strangled sob mewled from her lips and she pressed hers to mine. “I panicked. It wasn’t about leaving you. Something I never, ever want to do. It was about protecting you, Romeo.”

  “From what?” I dared to ask.

  “The truth,” she whispered, stepping back and giving me a teary smile. “I have something for you. But you have to promise not to go where you went yesterday.”

  “I promise.”

  She dug into her box, pulling out two rectangles of paper. She produced them both, one on pink paper, the other on green. “Ant and Gabby made you cards.”

  My heart seized. I took them, reading Gabby’s first. She drew a princess wearing a baseball hat wearing Converse’s on the cover. ROMEY was written on the front in hesitant strokes with a purple pen. I opened it, finding she’d written me a letter. There were little images drawn all over the card. I read it out loud.

  “Dear, Romey. I miss you. You are my favorite brother. Don’t tell Antony. He thinks he is. I miss you. I drew cupcakes and flowers all over this card for you to make you happy. I miss you. A super-duper lot.” In Spanish, she wrote: “I love you so much, Romey.” She signed her name the way she wrote it on her homework. I laughed sadly. “She said she missed me three times.”

  Rya smiled, using her sweater to wipe her eyes. “Actually, that’s the second card. The first one only said I miss you over and over again until Antony said that it might hurt your head to read it that many times. She settled on three.”

  I read his card next. He hadn’t drawn anything on the front, but he’d filled the inside with words.

  “Hi, Romeo. This is Antony. Your brother. Rya said you were awake now and that we could see you soon. I can’t wait to see you soon. Soon feels like forever away. Rya also said not to make you sad, so here’s a joke to make you laugh. Knock knock, who’s there? I love. I love who? I don’t know, you tell me! Actually, the answer is you. It’s almost Christmas. I told Alex I don’t want anything but to see you. She made me write a Christmas list anyway and she sent it to Santa Clause. Did you know that babies cry all the time? Like all day and night? My head hurts. I love you, Romey. Get better. Fast. Love Antony Moreno.”

  I covered my eyes with one hand, taking a long moment to suck my sobs back, to keep them inside. “What’s he talking about? Babies cry a lot. What babies?”

  “You promised not to ask questions.”

  I lowered my hand once I was perfectly numb and nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Can you put these on the table so I can see them?”

  “Of course.” She rested the cards right where I could see the outside and inside.

  “When can I see them, Rya?” Crap. My voice was wobbling, and my stomach was sick with need.

  She didn’t turn back to me, taking her own moment. “You can see them tomorrow as long as you don’t ask them anything.”

  “Thank you.” I took a deep, relieved breath. “Why aren’t you looking at me?”

  “Because it’s so hard to be strong when you’re looking at me like that. It’s hard to deal with all of this by myself.” She sniffed hard, sinking into her chair after removing the box. “And I can’t tell the one person I want to share everything with. You.”

  I sighed, stretching my hand out to her. “Where’s my card from you?”

  She took my hand, bringing it to her lips, a surprised lift to her eyes. “I didn’t write you one. But I can tell you exactly what it would have said?”

  I gave her a smile. “Better make it good. Antony and Gabby crushed it. Those are high stakes to beat.”

  A soft giggle fell from her lips and the sound made my broken heart begin to mend.

  “Dear, Romeo.” As soon as my name left her lips, her walls fell down and only the truth left her lips. “It feels like I’ve waited forever for you to open your eyes. A lot of people didn’t think you would, but I did. I knew you would. Ten weeks is a long time to think. I’ve been thinking nonstop. About you, about us, about me. About us together. It feels like I was responsible for our relationship the entire time you were gone. So, don’t be surprised to find that we’re madly, completely and irrevocably in love with each other. I didn’t need an accident to tell me that, but the shooting made it okay to admit that to myself. I love you. This isn’t a crush anymore and it doesn’t seem impossible. You and me, we’re possible. I don’t want to waste any more time. I want to love you more than you’ve ever been loved. And I want you to love me the same way. I want to take care of Gabby and Antony together, and I want to heal our broken hearts and give us all the lives we’ve always deserved. And I want to do that together. Everything will be okay, Romeo. I know it doesn’t seem like it will, and there’s so much pain and fear surrounding us, but one day, we’ll jump and land in still waters. Together. And we’ll both take a deep breath and breathe just fine.” She kissed my shaking hand. “Love always, Rya Triston. How’d I do?”

  “Damn,” I breathed; my heart ached as it started to heal.

  “What’s wrong?” she worried.

  “I wish that was on paper so I could read it over and over again.”

  A smile spread across her face. “No need. I’ll remember it. I’ll recite it whenever you need a reminder.”

  “You want to know one of my biggest regrets before I thought it was all over?”

  She didn’t say yes, but she waited.

  “I wished that I’d said I loved you in English. I didn’t think I’d get another chance to say it to you, Rya, and I did. I loved you so much already. It killed me knowing you’d never get a chance to know that. I think I loved you the moment I met you. I took that bet with Raf not to disrespect you, but to prove you were too good for me, that we were never possible. But that was pointless. I was already gone and whether we were possible or not shouldn’t have mattered. But I have a second chance; I can feel it in here.” I touched my hand to my chest, over my bruised heart. “I love you, Angel. You’re the only reason I woke up. You saved me.”

  She fell across my chest. “No, Romeo. You saved me.”

  I wasn’t able to leave the hospital until the end of January. I worked my ass off in physical therapy to regain my strength and my hope. All the while, I didn’t ask Rya the questions that had once burned so hot they left behind scars. I worked on myself, something I’d never had the chance to do.

  On the day I left the hospital, I was putting my sweater on when the door opened. Rya had brought me a bag of clothes. I didn’t ask where she got them, and she didn’t say. It felt good to wear clothes period, but even more so to wear clothes that reminded me of myself. I looked over eagerly, thinking it was Rya, but it wasn’t Rya.

  It was Mama.

  She looked skinnier and her eyes were drenched in tiredness. When she saw me, her hand went over her mouth and all she could say was: “I’m sorry.”

  I looked away. “I turn eighteen in a week. I’m applying for full custody of Gabby and Antony once I do. I want your help to make that happen.”

  “Romeo,” she said, a weight to my name I’d never heard before in her voice. “I’m going to Mexico with Abuelita for a while. Before I leave, they will be yours.”

  “They wer
e already mine.” I grabbed the cards they’d written me off the table and tucked them in my front hoodie pocket. I met her eyes, wanting to let it all loose. All the years I spent afraid and alone, the years Diego and I struggled because she was struggling. But I couldn’t do that to her, or to myself. Her eyes were fragile; one wrong word and she’d crack in two. “Mama, I love you. That will never change. But it’s hard to respect you right now knowing someone else is taking care of Antony and Gabby when they need family.”

  Her bloodshot eyes filled with tears. “What family? There is no more family. There is just you and me.”

  It took me a moment to figure out what she meant. Blistering horror moved through my body and I grabbed at my chest. “Diego?”

  Her eyes widened. “You didn’t know?”

  “No, he didn’t know. He isn’t supposed to know. Because it’s dangerous for him to stress,” Rya snapped, barging into the room. “Or haven’t you noticed?”

  Gabby and Antony followed her in, both of their eyes finding mine first. Theirs lit up bright and loving, the way they’d been doing whenever we saw each other. And it was hard to do, one of the hardest, but I shoved the loss of my older brother down as far as I could. They needed me. Probably now more than ever, and this time around, I wouldn’t let them down.

  I swallowed hard and stooped low to their eye level. “Hey, you two. Ready to bust me out of here?”

  Gabby wrapped her arms around my neck. “Alex said we can go get ice cream if you wanted some.”

  I tugged on Ant’s shirt, pulling him into our hug. “You want ice cream?”

  He nodded against me, quieter these days than even before. It would take a lot to heal them. And I couldn’t do it by myself.

  “Say hi and bye to Mama. We have to go.”

  They both looked over, surprised to see our mother. What hurt me the most wasn’t their nonchalance about seeing her; they’d never gotten a chance to truly know her. What hurt me was her willingness to let their nonchalance continue. I was old enough to have a memory of a different woman. It was faint, but I could see a woman who loved her family but loved her husband more. Part of me wanted to blame her, but I was tired too. Tired of waiting for her to get better.

  It was time for me to better myself, even if she never did.

  I hugged my mother before I left the hospital. I hugged her hard and whispered a prayer in her ear that she’d grow up someday. I told her that I loved her. It was important for me that she know. Important that she also knew I wasn’t a boy anymore. Second chances weren’t the same when you had eighteen years under your belt.

  She said she loved me too. But she didn’t watch me leave. And she hadn’t lost me. Not until she wanted to.

  Rya’s mother Alex was waiting downstairs in her husband’s car. I felt guilty knowing I was the reason they only had one car. They couldn’t afford to replace the one that was ruined in the shooting before the addition of four children. After, money was even tighter. But I couldn’t see the strain in her eyes. Alex was the reason Rya was the way she was. Giving, patient, and dedicated.

  Alex held her arms out for me when I approached, enveloping me in a tight hug. “I just saw your mother leave. You okay?”

  I nodded against her. “I will be.”

  “Good boy.” She stroked my hair and then smiled at everyone. “Who’s ready for ice cream?”

  Gabby shouted her excitement. Antony grabbed my hand. I sat in the back with them, holding both of their hands. Rya was in the front seat, and occasionally her eyes would meet mine in the rearview mirror when I wasn’t looking out of the window. Everything looked different, which made no sense since I’d grown up in Kings River. I was born there. But I almost lost my life there too, and it didn’t look the same. It made my skin crawl. It felt sinister.

  I could only imagine how hot the streets were these days. I had no way of knowing who was left in the Kings, but I had a sinking feeling there weren’t many. We passed four West Snakes on the way to Rya’s place, when they shouldn’t be anywhere near this side of town.

  “What about ice cream?” I asked when we pulled into the driveway.

  Alex shushed me. “Just get your butt inside, Romeo.”

  Gabby giggled, pulling on my hand. “It’s a surprise party.”

  “Gabby!” Rya admonished. “Seriously? Way to ruin the surprise.”

  I smirked at Gabby, who cheesed back. I soaked her smile up.

  Antony rolled his eyes. “Can I go read?”

  Alex ushered the kids into the house, leaving me and Rya to catch up. I didn’t get out of the car. Neither did she.

  “Romeo,” she started.

  “It’s okay. Knowing about Diego wouldn’t have helped me. Just answer me this, please. I have two questions. Once I know the answers, I can start living. Until then, I’m left wondering.”

  She let out a heavy breath. “Ask me.”

  “Is Raf okay?”

  “No,” she said softly. “He’s with Diego.”

  I leaned forward, putting my hands in my hair. “Did he get to clear the air with your sister at least?” I hated thinking he hadn’t gotten to make peace with her.

  Rya looked at me, her eyes teary. “Kenzie told me they had a long talk that night. He had my cell, remember? All she’ll tell me is that they said goodbye to each other that night and she won’t let Raf’s sacrifice be wasted.”

  “This sucks, Angel. So much.”

  She crawled into the back seat, settling on my lap. She straddled me, holding my head to her chest as I clutched her to mine. I let it out, let it go, and then I dried my eyes and nodded.

  “You want to know one of the hardest things growing up with the Kings?”

  She stroked my cheeks, gazing into my eyes. “What?”

  “Saying goodbye to people you never wanted to let go of. I lost my dad. Because of his ties to the gang, he wasn’t allowed many outside visitors, but Papa denied every single visit Mama tried to get. He never wanted to see us again. I lost my brother. My best friend. I almost lost you and my siblings. I almost lost myself. I’m tired of losing, Angel. I want to win. I want to breathe. I have one more question. And then I’m going to let my past go and focus on the future. With you and the people who love me. What about Sergio?”

  She shook her head. “He can’t hurt you anymore.”

  I was overcome with emotion. It was impossible not to see Raf and Diego’s sacrifices. I wished they didn’t have to give up so much to get so little, but I promised them I’d do my best to make good of my second chance.

  I’d turn their sacrifices into the things they’d never had but always wanted. Love. Family. A future.

  The person I had been, the person I wanted to be, and the person I could finally become taunted me that night. Gabby and Antony were pressed against my left side, their little hands gripping parts of me. Their soft snores mixed with Rya’s and Kenzie’s. I leaned ever so slightly to the right, pressing my nose into Rya’s hair, inhaling her soft, sweet scent.

  I was full.

  Full of relief.

  Thankfulness.

  Sadness.

  And most of all, hope.

  As carefully as I could, I unwound myself first from the twins. And then I rose slowly, bringing Rya’s head down on the pillow where mine had been. I stood over them for a moment, watching my siblings and girlfriend sleep. I’d be nothing without them. Every war I ever waged and every war I’d ever fight for in the future would be for them.

  But I had to say goodbye.

  The house was unusually quiet. Chad was asleep on the couch, one of the twins sleeping in his arms. Alex must be in their bedroom doing much of the same. The pizza boxes from dinner were still on the kitchen table and the lights from the forgotten, drying Christmas tree glowed softly onto the front door as I slipped outside.

  I waited on the other side of the front door, holding my breath. When there were no signs that anyone heard me, I sighed in relief, carefully slipping on my shoes and putting my hoodie on.r />
  Kings River at night no longer felt like a place I wanted to be. I kept my eyes peeled as I ducked down side streets and cut across the neighborhood, finally coming up on mine.

  I came up on the familiar bushes I crossed every day, and slipped past them, on the same street I’d lived on since birth. The park was empty. The streets were too. I looked down to my left, at the end of the cul-de-sac, the same fear tightening in my guts I lived with since I was a boy. But that fear didn’t have to exist anymore.

  Sergio was gone.

  And by the looks of it, the West Snakes’ attack on the Kings had done what they’d intended. They wiped the gang out, paving the way for a whole new sweep of pain. No one won when violence was the answer. Everyone lost when they were willing to lose it all to begin with. It was okay to want to protect what you loved, as long as what you loved, loved you back. I realized that now.

  I felt like an outsider in a world I no longer belonged in. My entire life I’d been sure that small neighborhood was all I’d have. All I’d know. Walking up my porch, I didn’t know it anymore.

  And I didn’t miss it.

  Mama’s car wasn’t in the driveway and I didn’t have a key. Which was fine. Rya had already gotten my clothes and the twins’ too. I didn’t need anything from this house anymore. I parked it on the porch, staring out over the spot I’d been shot. The road that led to nowhere that had almost been my end.

  I looked out over the block, at Raf’s mom’s house. There was no car in the driveway. I wondered if she finally moved. I hated the pain lodged in my throat, but there was nothing I could do about that pain. Not anymore.

  I reached over, my fingers tracing the initials in the wooden post. DM and RM were carved into the wood. Diego and I had used Papa’s knife to carve our initials in the post to determine our height. Once he’d gotten taller than me, we stopped measuring. I cleared my throat and forced myself to look away, to say goodbye to a brother I never really got to know.

  The gang took him before we could be men together. Before we even knew what being a man really meant.

  “Rome?”

  My head swung around to my left, finding a familiar figure standing in the shadows. Enrique stepped out further where the street light touched, coming to stop on the sidewalk below me.