Static

by Witt, L. A.

  As I watched, tears streaming down my face as I laughed as hard as everyone else, something caught my attention. For the first time since I’d seen him as a male, Alex looked truly comfortable in his own skin. His smile was genuine, unflinching, not the kind that was ready to wilt and fade when no one was looking. He didn’t look like he was shouldering some massive burden.

  He looked happy.

  He also hadn’t touched a drop of liquor. Tonight, he didn’t need that escape. Not here. He danced on the bar and sang bad karaoke, and he was surrounded by people who wouldn’t have changed him for the world. Maybe I was a slow learner, but I realized now that I was one of them.

  This was Alex in his element. Male or female, it didn’t matter, this was one hundred percent, unadulterated, uninhibited, unafraid Alex. Like I’d never seen him before.

  No, like I’d seen him once before. In a California king bed with rain pouring down outside. On a beach in the rain. One perfect weekend when the rest of the world didn’t matter.

  I’d been looking for her in everything he said or did, but there she was. There he was. That was the Alex I’d fallen in love with, and the Alex I still loved. I loved him the same as I loved her because they were one and the same. Watching him now, I wondered how the hell I’d missed that all along.

  I don’t care if you’re male, female, or a little of both. I don’t care if you can’t carry a tune. You’re beautiful, Alex.

  They finished the song, or at least tried their damnedest to finish it in between fits of laughter.

  “Okay, I think he’s done his penance, don’t you?” Tabitha asked the crowd. “Think we can let him enjoy his own party instead of singing and pouring us all more booze?”

  Judging by the applause that followed, the crowd thoroughly approved. Before he left the stage, though, Alex addressed everyone in the club. “I just want to say, one more time, how much this means to me. There is no way I can put it into words, but I am so completely blown away right now. You’re all amazing. Thank you.”

  He and Tabitha shared a quick hug, then he left the stage.

  “Now that he’s been duly humiliated,” she said. “That’s enough karaoke for one night. I’m turning things over to Bobby the DJ, and I expect everyone to get your asses out on this floor and dance. Understood?”

  As people migrated toward the dance floor, Alex emerged from the crowd. He joined me at the bar, wiping sweat from his forehead and reaching for the Coke he’d abandoned to go onstage.

  “You never told me you were a karaoke star,” I said, chuckling behind my glass.

  He rolled his eyes and groaned. “Oh, God, there’s a reason I don’t usually do it.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know, looked like everyone enjoyed it.”

  “Yeah, the same way everyone enjoys watching a train wreck.”

  “I enjoyed it.”

  His eyes met mine. “You like train wrecks?”

  Grinning, I said, “Sometimes.”

  “Birds of a feather, right?”

  “Hey!”

  We both laughed. Then, Tabitha appeared beside us.

  She hooked her arm around Alex’s elbow. “Before you get all settled in and relaxed, does your man mind if I drag you out on the dance floor?”

  “Hmm, I don’t know.” Alex looked at me. “Do you?”

  I pursed my lips. “Actually, yes. I do.”

  His eyebrows shot up. “You . . . do?”

  “Yes.” I slipped my hand into his. “Because I think I’d rather drag you out there myself.”

  Alex’s jaw dropped. “Are you serious?”

  “Well, assuming Tabitha doesn’t mind?”

  She released his elbow. “Of course not. Be my guest.” She gestured toward the dance floor.

  I squeezed Alex’s hand and nodded in the direction Tabitha had. Come on, let’s do this before I lose my nerve.

  He smiled and followed me. It was a slow song, the kind that invited couples to get close under the colorful lights, and my heart pounded as I put my arm around Alex’s waist. He rested his forearms on my shoulders. A few inches of breathing room remained between us, but I had a gut feeling that space wouldn’t be there for long. I’d never danced with a man before, but like rubbing Alex’s feet, I didn’t feel weird about this. I couldn’t feel weird about it. I was nervous and my stomach was fluttering, but that was an all-too-familiar feeling. It was exactly the way I’d felt when I’d asked Alex to dance back when she was still a stranger.

  Hoping conversation would distract me from those fluttery nerves, I said, “You remember the first time I asked you to dance?”

  He laughed. “I’m surprised you do.”

  “Oh, come on, I wasn’t that drunk.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Okay, okay, I was. But I do remember.”

  “Me, too.” He smiled. “I was kind of surprised when you called after that.”

  “I was a bit surprised the number worked.”

  Alex chuckled. “Normally I wouldn’t give my real number to someone who was that plowed, but . . .” He finished the thought with a one-shouldered shrug.

  “But what?”

  “I don’t know. I just had a good feeling about you.” His humor faded a little, but the smile remained. “Guess it pays to trust my instincts sometimes.”

  “Guess it does.”

  We held each other’s gazes.

  “Stop looking for the woman you knew,” Jordan had said. “Just look for the person.”

  Here he was. Right in front of me where he’d been from day one, and I was just as in love with him now as I was then. No, more than I was then.

  I slid my hands over the small of his back and drew him a little closer, shrinking that narrow, temporary space between us. Alex swallowed hard, then dropped his gaze. Though the flashing colored lights above the dance floor made it hard to say for sure, I thought his cheeks darkened.

  “Do you remember that weekend out at the coast?” he asked, so softly I barely heard him over the music.

  I shivered. “Every minute of it.”

  “I almost told you that weekend. I wanted to, but everything was going so well, I didn’t want to ruin it. But I . . .” He paused and took a breath. Then his eyes met mine. “I don’t know, I guess I got scared, but that was the first time I realized I wanted you to know what I am.”

  I swallowed hard. His eyes were almost too intense, looking back at me in this dim, flickering dance floor light, but God Himself couldn’t have made me look away. I moistened my lips. “There were a few things I wanted you to know that weekend, too.”

  “Such as?”

  “Such as . . .” That was when I knew I loved you. That was when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.

  I couldn’t find the words then, and I couldn’t find them now.

  I took my hand off his waist and reached up to touch his face. As soon as my fingertips brushed his skin, Alex closed his eyes. Light stubble gently abraded my thumb as I ran it along his jaw, and a shiver—I couldn’t say whose—brought us a little closer together. Alex looked up at me again, and I forgot how to breathe.

  Cradling his face in both hands, I leaned down. He raised his chin. Liquid fire surged through my veins with every inch we slowly, slowly, slowly gained, and when his breath warmed my skin, I thought my knees would go out from under me.

  “You don’t have to do this,” Alex whispered.

  I brushed the pad of my thumb over his cheekbone. “Neither do you.”

  He held my gaze. Then his eyes flicked toward my lips. When he met my eyes again, I kissed him.

  The music faded behind the whisper of his breathing. My heartbeat muted the voices and clinking glasses. Everyone else on the dance floor disappeared, shut out when I closed my eyes and unnoticed when all my senses homed in on one person and one person only.

  Oh, God, this really was Alex. The way his lips moved against mine, the way his fingers combed through my hair, the way his breath rushed past my skin as h
e inhaled through his nose. The kiss deepened, and the soft moan that thrummed against my lips was lower than I was used to, but still undeniably Alex.

  He wrapped his arms around me. His erection brushed mine through our clothes, and to my dizzy, delirious surprise, it didn’t weird me out or make me stop and wonder what the hell I was doing. Instead, it sent cool relief through my veins, knowing he was as turned on as I was, and instead of questioning it or wondering how someone in a male body could arouse me like this, I held him tighter.

  I broke the kiss but didn’t pull away. Slowly, the rest of the world materialized around us again. Disco lights, people dancing together and alone, roaring laughter.

  I touched my forehead to his. “I love you, Alex.”

  “I love you, too.”

  I slid my hand around the back of his neck and kissed him again. For all I’d worried about having to force intimacy and attraction, none of it needed forcing. The intimacy was still there from before this had all started, right there waiting this whole time for us to come and get it. I’d had to learn to navigate some unfamiliar terrain, but the desire was there because I wanted Alex. In every way, on every level, I wanted Alex.

  We separated enough to look at each other.

  He grinned. “Do you want to get out of here?”

  Nerves and excitement coiled in the pit of my stomach. “Do you?” I gestured around the room, pretending not to notice the unsteadiness in my hand. “This is your party, I don’t want to drag you away.”

  “Oh, you’re not dragging me.” He kissed me lightly. “Let me make the rounds and say good-bye to everyone. Then we can get the hell out of here.”

  We made it as far as my living room before Alex’s jacket hit the floor. Halfway down the hall, mine landed on the carpet with a heavy thud. Shoes didn’t stay on very long after we crossed into my bedroom. A belt buckle jingled and leather hissed across denim before falling to the floor. Step. Alex’s shirt came off. Another step. He untucked my shirt. Another step. I slid my hands up his back, and we both shivered as my palms drifted across his bare, hot skin.

  And it was there, skin on skin and an arm’s length from my waiting bed, that we slowed down. Breathless, desperate kisses became gentle, tender, sensual . . . and hesitant. His cock pressed against mine. At the club, that had aroused me, and it still did now, but it also made me all too aware of my nerves.

  I wanted him, but . . .

  I needed him, but . . .

  I wanted this, but . . .

  Alex broke the kiss and looked at me.

  “You sure about this?” he whispered.

  “Yeah. You?”

  He grinned. “I’ve been wanting this longer than you can imagine.” He unbuttoned my shirt with hands far, far steadier than my own. Then he pushed it over my shoulders and down my arms, that motion drawing us close enough for another long, spine-melting kiss.

  Alex dipped his head to kiss my neck, and the warmth of his lips and breath on my skin made me dizzy. The brush of masculine stubble across my collarbone, though, sent a very different shiver down my spine. I glanced at the bed, a faint twinge of panic working its way into my consciousness. We’re really doing this? Can I do this?

  He looked at me. Then he looked at my hand on his waist. Gently, he closed his fingers around my wrist and brought it up to his lips.

  “You’re shaking,” he murmured against the backs of my fingers.

  “Nerves,” I said with a self-conscious laugh.

  “Nothing to be nervous about.” He smiled. “It’s just me.”

  “I know. But I . . .” I dropped my gaze, my cheeks on fire. “I probably don’t have to tell you I’ve never done this before.”

  Alex ran his fingers through my hair. “Anatomy’s the only difference. It’s still me.”

  “That’s a pretty significant difference, isn’t it?”

  He laughed softly and pulled me closer. “You’d be surprised.”

  “Just don’t expect me to do everything right.”

  “You’re doing just fine so far.” His lips brushed mine. “But if you want to take things a little slower . . .” Our lips met, and I lost myself in him.

  My mind wanted to slow down, to give me a chance to take all this in. My body had other plans. I just didn’t know which of the two to obey.

  Alex cocked his head slightly, that telltale “I’m reading you” look I’d known for the last couple of years.

  “You know,” he whispered, “I’m a little sweaty from dancing at the club.” He tilted his head in the direction of the bathroom. “I could use a shower if you want to join me.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, that sounds . . . We can do that.”

  He smiled and stepped back, taking most of my breath with him. I followed him into the bathroom. The idea of getting in the shower together unnerved me, but it wasn’t as intimidating as getting into bed together. We’d get there. Tonight, I had no doubt, but not this minute. We had time. Time to hopefully settle my nerves and convince me I could go through with this.

  Getting my own clothes off and starting the shower gave me something to occupy my nervous hands and mind. Once the water was hot, Alex got in while I grabbed a couple of towels.

  Then, taking a deep breath, I joined him.

  His back was to me, water pouring through his short hair, down his neck, over his shoulders—broader than a woman’s, narrower than my own—and down to his slim hips. When he turned around and met my eyes, I could barely breathe.

  Jesus, Alex, you are beautiful.

  He reached for me, but I caught his wrist with a gentle grasp.

  “Wait,” I whispered.

  His eyes widened. “What? Something wrong?”

  “No. Just let me . . .” I swallowed. “Just let me see you like this.”

  He shot me a lopsided grin and put his arms out to the sides, striking a ridiculous pose. “Look all you want.”

  I laughed. Now if that wasn’t a flash of the Alex I remembered, I didn’t know what was. Forget looking.

  I reached for his waist. “Come here, you.” I put my arms around him and kissed him, and he slid his arms around my neck. In the space of a breath, our bodies were together, and the heat of his wet skin was as overwhelming as the gentle friction of his hard cock brushing mine.

  We let a long, lazy kiss linger for . . . hell, I didn’t know. A long, long time. The way we always used to kiss when we had nowhere to be except together, and no reason to hurry except our own desperation for each other. We wanted each other so bad we were shaking, but the only things rushing were our beating hearts and the hot water pouring over us while we slowed everything else down to a gentle, passionate kiss.

  When we finally came up for air, I touched my forehead to his and whispered, “I missed this.”

  “Me too.” He pulled away enough to look me in the eye. “How far do you want to take this tonight? I mean, are you comfortable . . .”

  “I’m not sure.” I forced a laugh. “I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”

  He grinned. “Just tell me if you want to stop.”

  “Right now, that’s the last thing I want to do.”

  Alex shivered and, without speaking, raised his chin to kiss me again. His hand drifted down my side. When he reached my hip, he stopped. Barely breaking the kiss, he whispered, “Do you want me to keep going?”

  Goose bumps prickled up my spine. “I . . . yes, I do.”

  “You sure?”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  His fingertips drifted over my hip and toward my stomach. My abs contracted beneath his featherlight touch, and I bit my lip when his hand slid downward. One finger ran down the underside of my cock. Back up. Two fingers this time, and when they reached the base, they wrapped around it. A third finger. Fourth. Then his thumb, and as he closed his hand around me, he couldn’t have made breathing more difficult if he’d grabbed my throat.

  “Still okay with this?” he asked.

  “Very much so.” My voice shook, but I didn’t care, be
cause the gentle strokes of his wet palm over my cock felt too fucking good for me to care about anything.

  “Just tell me if this is too much.”

  “Oh, it is. But don’t stop.”

  “I don’t plan on it.” He kissed me, and as he stroked my cock slowly, gently, I could barely remember how to kiss him back. I hadn’t been this nervous since the night I’d drunk myself brave enough to approach her in the first place.

  “Give me your hand,” he said softly.

  When I hesitated, Alex grinned. “Just do it. Trust me.” His fingertips grazed the back of my hand, and I moved it enough for him to grasp my wrist.

  “If you want to stop,” he whispered, “just say so.” Without breaking eye contact, he guided my hand toward him. When he closed my fingers around his cock, I closed my eyes and sucked in a breath.

  “This okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah.” The single word pulled all the air from my lungs. “Yeah, it’s . . .”

  “Look at me, Damon,” he whispered.

  I opened my eyes, and only then did he encourage my hand into motion.

  I couldn’t say what was more surreal: touching another man’s cock, or touching Alex’s cock. Or maybe, just maybe, the fact that it didn’t bother me. It didn’t repulse me. Quite the opposite, especially when he closed his eyes, or bit his lip, or moaned softly.

  I experimented a little, trying the things I knew I liked and all the things he did to me. I squeezed gently, my breath catching when his did. When I ran my thumb along the underside of his erection, his moaned “oh, my God” was easily the sexiest thing I’d heard all night.

  Then he stroked a little faster, so I did the same, and his shudder mirrored mine. Watching him, touching him, hearing him like this, fascinated me. Turned me on beyond rational thought, pushed the nervousness beyond my reach. Whatever thoughts I’d had about being unable to do this or being too afraid to do it, they were forgotten.

  I wanted him.

  I needed him.

  I wanted this.

  Alex gently pushed my hand out of the way, and I gasped when he pressed his cock against mine. He stroked slowly with his hand, and when my hips—moving like they had a mind of their own—rocked back and forth, his hand and cock both rubbed against mine.