by Maegan Abel
He guided me to the couch and sat me down, taking a seat beside me but keeping his distance, trying not to be obvious as he ensured our bodies weren’t touching. Shame washed through me and the tears that were brimming spilled to my cheeks as I looked down at my lap. I hated that he knew. I hated that they all knew. I wished I could somehow scrub away the disgust. The terror and agony of that night were a distant nightmare I’d stuffed away. Right now, they were nothing compared to how I felt knowing the only people I’d honestly cared enough to let into my life since then knew just how tainted I truly was.
“Stop it.” I swallowed and looked over at Tish. “I can tell what you’re thinking and you need to stop. No one thinks less of you.” My eyes automatically flicked in the direction of the hallway and back to him as I silently disagreed.
“I fucking… hate being treated like a victim,” I said, having to pause to clear my still dry throat.
Tish leaned forward, his elbows resting on his thighs as he scrubbed his hands over his nearly buzzed hair. “Nobody here thinks of you that way, Lee. You’re not a victim. You’re a survivor. You were strong enough to take control of your life. What you told us tonight, it doesn’t change who you are.”
Again, my eyes found the hallway.
It did change things.
Possibly irrevocably.
After another moment of silence between us, Tish spoke again. “What about your sister?”
Looking sideways at him, I took another shaky breath. “What about her?”
“Well, you seemed pretty shocked to see her so I’m assuming you didn’t tell her where you were. Do you know how she found you?”
I sighed and pulled my feet up, resting my chin on my knees. “My family started this whole search when I disappeared. Given my family’s status and my father’s business ties, they thought I may have been kidnapped. There was a whole movement. It was all over the news,” I explained, swallowing because I knew once I said it, he would probably remember having heard about it. “Bring Kylee Home. There was even a website for anonymous tips.” I could see Tish nodding and I looked over at him.
“They found me once, about a year or so after I left. I was in LA, sleeping on a park bench and dancing as a street performer for enough money for food. I had my hair shaved short and dyed red then. I was smart but it never occurred to me that the people who would video my performances would post them online. I never thought about the fact that my family might see them. I was almost sixteen by then and they tried to drag me back home. I managed, just barely, to get away and disappear again. I hopped on a bus and headed toward the east coast but when the bus stopped in Vegas, I decided to stay for a while. I thought I could make some good money in a city this size, even though street performing was no longer an option. You know how that worked out.” I shrugged and rested my chin back on my knees. “Someone sent a video from Lust the night of Zane’s birthday to the Bring Kylee Home website. Apparently, I have a few family members who still check it and when Kaitlyn saw it, even though it was a grainy cell phone video, she knew it was me.”
“She…” I paused, not sure I could continue. “She came because what happened to me happened to another girl. I don’t know if she told anyone but she left it in her… her suicide note.” I stumbled over the word, still feeling the deep ache of guilt. “He… Hunter was arrested last year. I guess the prosecutor came to the gym and talked to the girls. He said that if anyone else had been attacked, their testimony could help prevent another girl from going through this as well. Kaitlyn told them about me but without me there, it would only be hearsay. They… they want me to go home to testify.”
Tish was quiet for so long that I finally had to look at him. He had his head tilted up toward the ceiling, resting against the back of the couch, and his eyes were closed. I briefly wondered if he was asleep but then he sighed and turned his face to me as he met my gaze. “Are you going?”
“I…” I swallowed, caught off guard by the directness of his question. “I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
He sat up then, turning a little on the couch to face me more fully but still keeping his careful distance. “It’s your call and you know I’m not going to judge you either way, but why not? Why wouldn’t you want to put him behind bars?”
I turned, mirroring Tish’s position and resting the side of my head against the couch. I closed my eyes, feeling the burn of tears beginning to form. “I don’t think I can.”
“Here’s the thing, if you tell me that this event is behind you and that you’ve moved forward and don’t want to rehash it all, I can respect that. What I can’t respect is someone as strong as you letting fear drive this decision. If its fear, you need to think long and hard about whether or not you could live with yourself if he got out and you hadn’t even tried.”
I released a long breath as we sat in silence. He was right, and I knew that, but maybe I’d just needed someone to tell me I was strong. I still wasn’t sure I was strong enough for this. I leaned over, taking Tish by surprise when I laid my head against his shoulder. He carefully slid his arm around me and let me take in his strength the way he always had. Sometimes, it was easy to forget he’d only been in my life a few short years. Most of the time, it felt like he’d been here my whole life.
But, in a way, I guess he has. He was there when I buried Kylee. He was beside me when Lili was born. He really has been there my whole life.
This life, at least.
“You’re not in this alone, Lee,” he said and I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.
I gasped, blinking into the darkness, feeling completely disoriented as I tried again to hold on to what I’d been dreaming. My heart hammered as I tried to breathe normally, still feeling the effects of whatever monster had haunted my nightmares tonight. The vague outline of a large window came into view and I stared, placing my surroundings. The living room. I must have fallen asleep on Tish. I started to sit up, letting the blanket fall around my waist.
A movement across the room caused me to gasp again as I turned in that direction. A figure slumped in what had to be the most uncomfortable sleeping position imaginable in the recliner came slowly into focus and I sighed. He moved again, stretching a bit as his eyes started blinking.
“What are you doing in here?” I asked and he immediately sat up straighter, clearly having fallen asleep by accident.
“I…” He paused, clearing his throat. “I just wanted…” His voice cracked so he didn’t finish. He sighed, rubbing at his neck where he must have been laying wrong.
“You wanted what, Zane?” I sat up, pressing against my eyes with my hands for an excuse to look away from him. I hated that part of me that wanted to go massage his neck for him, that longed to take care of him.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said and the huskiness of his voice did nothing to help me as I tried to remind myself that he walked away from me. I hated that he was here. I wanted him, but I wanted him to need me the way I needed him. My hands felt cold as I ran them along the blanket and my heart was finally slowing to a normal rhythm.
“I’m fine,” I said, making my voice as flat as I could.
He slowly sat forward on the edge of the recliner and cupped his hands over his nose and mouth, breathing out heavily into them as he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, Pixie.” His voice was muffled as it came through his fingers.
I waited, expecting there to be more, expecting him to elaborate, but nothing else came. “Okay.” I rolled over onto my side, facing toward the couch and turning my back to him. I hoped now that he’d gotten that out of his system, maybe he’d go away. But then what? What would happen in the morning?
“Okay?” he asked, his voice louder now. He must have dropped his hands.
“Yeah. Okay.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
I sighed, scowling at the pattern in the fabric of the couch so I didn’t have to look at him. “It means I don’t know what you want me to say. You’re sorry.
What exactly are you sorry for?”
I heard the squeak of the recliner as he stood and I hoped that he would just walk away again. It only took two steps for me to realize he wasn’t leaving. I could sense him coming up behind me and I hated that I could. I hated that I knew the feel of his presence without him even touching me. And I hated the way I craved for him to be closer.
I felt my weight shift as he sat on the edge of the couch behind me. Unlike Tish, he seemed to have no worries about touching me. Then again, Tish didn’t until I flinched from him. Zane’s hand brushed my hair back from my face tenderly and I closed my eyes, both loving and hating the feel of his fingers. I loved his touch and the peace it brought me but I hated it right now because I was scared. I wasn’t scared of him but I was terrified of him leaving.
When I didn’t turn or acknowledge him, he scooted down, carefully stretching out to lay behind me. I hated how every line of his body fit against every curve of mine. I hated the way we melted together, like he was a part of me. I hated how it felt completely and utterly right.
He brushed my hair aside before laying his head behind mine on my pillow. “I’m sorry I was selfish. I shouldn’t have walked away. There’s no excuse for what I did but I know I was wrong. In that moment, with everything else you’d told me, all I could suddenly think about was how you being nineteen might affect my life. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t change who you are or how I feel about you.” His lips were continuously brushing against the back of my neck as he spoke and I was having trouble focusing on his words. “I love you, Pix. That won’t change. Ever.”
The catch in my breath gave away the impending tears, though I tried desperately to hide them. His hand slid around my hip to my stomach, pulling me tighter against him and hugging me to his body as I tried to find a way to explain my fears.
Finally, I dropped my hands from where they were clutching the blanket up to my chin, and laced my fingers over his. I brought his hand up and rested our interlocked fists against my chest.
“My heart,” I said, hoping he understood that his fear of me leaving him was the same fear I had about him. A fear he almost confirmed tonight.
He let out a heavy breath, squeezing my fingers as he repeated my response from earlier. “Mine, too.”
When I woke again, the fuzziness from earlier, along with the fear, seemed to be gone. But so was Zane. My back was cold and the blanket was tucked carefully around me. The light filtering through the living room windows told me it was morning and the sound of dishes in the kitchen told me someone else was awake. Conner’s loud laugh floated down the hall and I heard someone shushing him.
I peeked in Zane’s room as I passed and, seeing it empty, continued toward the kitchen. I could hear the water running so I knew either Zane or Paige were in the bathroom. When I rounded the corner into the kitchen, I spotted Conner and Tish sitting next to each other at the table, both trying to eat left-handed and both making a huge mess.
“What the heck are you two doing?”
Conner looked up at me, his eyes bright with his happy mood. “LeeLee, guess what! Uncle Teesh is taking me to his work and he’s gonna let me sit in the chair while he tattoos Transformers on my cast.” He lightly wiggled his arm that was in the sling as he spoke.
“Really?” I played into his excitement, moving to sit across from them at the table.
“Uh huh,” Conner nodded, concentrating on trying to take a bite of his food again with his left hand.
“Here, try this,” I said, reaching across the table and helping him readjust his grip on the spoon so his fist was wrapped around it completely. He tried again, this time making less of a mess as the spoon stayed more stable in his hand. He beamed at me.
“Can you do it?”
“Eat with my left hand?” I asked. He nodded. “I can. I’m ambidextrous so I can use both.” His eyes widened in awe and I winked at him before he tried again for another bite.
“Where’s Zane?” I asked Tish, wanting to verify whether it was him in the shower.
“He’s getting ready. He has some stuff to take care of this morning so he asked Kas and I to watch Conner for a few hours.”
“Oh,” I said, trying to figure out why he didn’t just ask me to watch Conner.
“Daddy, did you know LeeLee is ambersextrous?” Conner asked and I looked over my shoulder just as Zane paused mid-step, his smile melting into a confused expression.
Tish burst out laughing beside Conner, who glared at him and I had to cover my own mouth with my hand to hide my smile.
“What?” Zane asked.
“Ambidextrous,” I said, pronouncing the word slower to Conner whose face pinched as he watched me.
“That’s what I said.”
Zane stepped up behind me and dropped a kiss on top of my head. “You two are corrupting my son again,” he said, his voice disapproving.
“It was completely unintentional,” Tish answered with a grin.
“This time,” I added and Tish looked at me and laughed.
“Are you done?” Zane asked Conner and he took Conner’s plate to the sink when he nodded.
“Can we go now?” Conner asked Tish excitedly and Tish laughed, grabbing his hand to help him slide out of the chair.
Zane knelt down, giving Conner a careful hug and telling him to be good before Tish and Conner disappeared toward the front door. I watched him as he stared after them, noticing for the first time that he was wearing slacks and a button down shirt rather than his normal jeans. I raised an eyebrow.
“Where are you headed all dressed up?”
He glanced down at his outfit, almost like he’d forgotten that he was wearing it. “Oh, uh, I’ve gotta go meet with the lawyer later and I found a few apartments online last night I want to go check out.”
I stared at him, trying not to let the shock show on my face. He was moving out? It made sense, I guess, given how crowded it was in the house. Plus, Conner needed his own room if Zane was going to get custody. “Oh. Right. Apartments,” I said, giving him a smile as I glanced over at the mess Tish and Conner had left. I moved to the small closet, pulling out the broom to keep myself busy so I would have an excuse not to look at him.
As my fingers closed over the handle, another realization hit me. Was this how he was dealing with my age? Was he distancing himself?
I moved toward the mess on the floor, slowly and meticulously sweeping. He said he’d always love me and this didn’t necessarily mean anything had to really change. I mean, it was strange that a couple as new as us lived in the same house anyway, let alone the same room. This was how it was supposed to be. Right?
I wanted to groan at the direction of my thoughts. I wasn’t that girl. I didn’t do insecurity or worry over guys. Ever. I loathed that part of me I had buried so long ago who thought she wasn’t good enough. Kylee wasn’t good enough. I was good enough.
“So, will you come with me?” he asked, breaking my train of thought.
“I don’t really know how much help I’d be. I don’t know anything about looking for apartments,” I answered honestly, trying to keep my internal struggle from my tone.
“Well, I want it to be somewhere you’ll be happy with,” he said. I glanced over at where he was leaning against the marble top of the island with his hips. The heels of his hands rested on either side of him and it pulled the shirt tight over his shoulders and chest. It was completely unfair that he could look so attractive while making cryptic statements like that.
“What?”
He pulled up a hand, running it across the back of his neck as he lowered his eyes to the floor for a moment. “I want to make sure you’ll be happy there,” he said, glancing up at me cautiously.
“Are you…” I started, turning toward the doorway partly before turning back to face him. “Are you asking me to move in with you?”
He shrugged a shoulder, glancing at me and then away again nervously. “I guess… yeah.”
I frowned and went back to sweeping fo
r a moment. Well, more like just moving the same pile of spilled food around the floor. “You realize how crazy that sounds, right? I mean, we’ve been together less than two months and most of that time was spent in a hospital bed—”
“And all of that time has been spent sleeping next to you,” he cut me off, making his own point clear. “Stop trying to compare us to the standards of other people. We’re not other couples. We’re not like any of them. We’re different. We were always meant to end up here, we just… took our time.” He gave me a small smile and the question still lingered in his eyes.
“Okay. Maybe,” I said after another moment of silence, returning his smile. “But it’d better be an amazing damn apartment.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at Lili’s comment. I’d been a wreck this morning wondering if she would freak out when I mentioned the thought of her moving in with me but she was making jokes.
“Well, if you’re going to make demands, you should definitely come with me,” I said, walking over to stand in front of her. “Otherwise you could end up living in some seedy apartment above a strip club. Although, that could work out to my advantage…” I trailed off, glancing up as I pretended to be lost in thought.
“Jerk,” she said, using her palm to shove my chest. I made a face, pulling in a sharp breath at the small burst of pain caused by the motion. She immediately clamped a hand over her mouth. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I brushed off her concern, not wanting her to worry. I reached for the broom. “Let me finish this. You go get ready.”
She handed me the broom and started to head out of the kitchen, still clearly feeling guilty for hurting me. Leaning the broom against the table, I grabbed her hand to stop her and tugged her against me. I stared down at her before taking her face in both of my hands and pressing my lips to hers. I felt her body melt into mine as her lips parted and her hands moved to my hips, like she was trying to keep herself steady. I pushed harder, kissing her deeper as I lost myself in my attempt to reassure her I was fine.