by Maegan Abel
The small moan she released into my mouth had the rest of my body wanting to join in the fun. I abruptly pulled back, clearing my throat as I tried in vain to get myself under control. We couldn’t start this now and after everything she had told me last night, I wasn’t sure how to approach this with her at all.
“Go get ready before my less responsible self decides we should just stay here today,” I said, knowing my voice was rough with untamed need. She let out her breath in a rush and I bent to kiss the top of her head, slowly taking a step away from her and turning toward the table to grab the broom. After another moment, I heard her finally move and her footsteps faded into the hallway. Once I heard the bathroom door close, I carefully readjusted myself. Blue balls my ass. I was starting to think it was going to shrivel up and fall off from this shit.
I sighed and finished cleaning up the mess from breakfast, trying not to dwell on how long it had been. Maybe I should’ve just taken care of business myself in the shower. Between the length of time and Lili’s ability to make me lose all sense of myself in the moment, I probably should or our first time won’t last more than two seconds.
When I put up the broom, I turned to take the last few dishes to the sink. I spotted Tish’s sketchpad on the counter. He rarely left it behind when he went to work but since he was watching Conner today, maybe he’d forgotten it. My mind drifted back to last night when I found him sketching in it.
By the time I’d gotten Conner to sleep, the regret I’d felt for the way I left the room was nearly choking me. The selfishness of my reaction in the face of Lili’s confession was gnawing at me. I had the sudden need to touch her, hold her, apologize to her.
When I opened the door, I noticed the lights in the living room were off. I hadn’t realized how long I had been in the bedroom. A light from the corner of my eye caught my attention and I glanced in the other direction, spotting Tish as he stood at the kitchen counter. He was drawing on his sketchpad, using his cell phone like a flashlight. He glanced up when I shut my door and the look he gave me was hard but not cold. He was disappointed but he wasn’t judging me. I understood.
“I know,” I said in a low, resolved voice. “I panicked. I’m going to fix it.”
Tish just nodded, shutting his sketchpad with the pencil still inside. He got up, flipping off the light on his phone as he entered the hallway with me. He paused before he passed me. “She hasn’t changed. She’s still everything you fell for. You have secrets too, Zane. Remember that. Think about how you’d want her to react. Because you know she’ll find out one day.”
I frowned and dropped my head, hating myself even more when I realized how right he was. Lili would one day be faced with having to deal with the emotions that came with my dark history and after the way I’d treated her tonight, there was no doubt in my mind that she should tear me down when it happened. But I knew she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t hold my past against me and I was disgusted with myself for having made her feel, even for a second, that I thought less of her. “I love her,” I finally said, as if he needed reassurance.
“I’m not the one you need to convince.” He patted my shoulder as he started to pass. “Hang in there, bro.”
Last night, I had wondered what had been said after I left the room but the larger part of me didn’t want to know. I was curious about what the evening had sparked for Tish creatively, though. He only sketched late at night if something came to him and he wanted to get it down. Otherwise, he would’ve been in bed at that hour.
Grabbing the front pages, I found the pencil and flipped the pad open to the sheet he’d been working on. There were several designs covering the two pages. I started at the top, seeing a common tattoo I’d seen in the shop several times. It was a dandelion fluff expelling seeds as if it were being blown. Mixed between the floating seeds were the words ‘let it go’. The next was a design of chains over a heart, seeming to be almost pull it down with the weight of the huge padlock on the right.
The one that held my attention was a heart that, at first glance, seemed to be full of flames. As I studied it, the shape of a wing came into view. And then another. I squinted, trying to imagine where he was going with this one and what it would look like in color. It came to me suddenly when I read the words beneath it. “Let love heal,” I said out loud and when I glanced up at the heart, I saw the body attached to the wings. A phoenix.
The theme of the others were more of the same. Quotes in different styles about healing and scars and the weight of the past. His concerns and worries always came out in his work and apparently, last night was no different.
“The view is fabulous in the morning. Facing east gives you a perfect view of the sunrise over the mountains. And this balcony…” Shelly ranted, moving toward the sliding doors. This was the second apartment we’d looked at today and it was by far the nicest one I had on the list.
It was also the most expensive. And well out of my price range.
“You have to take a look at the size of this balcony.” Shelly opened the door and stood close, brushing against me for what had to be the third or fourth time since we arrived. She was being obvious about her flirting, seeming completely oblivious to the fact that Lili hovered behind us somewhere, seething. I could feel her animosity toward Shelly from across the room and I was honestly surprised she hadn’t said anything.
When we stopped at the edge of the balcony, Shelly took a step closer to me as I stared out at the view. I subtly turned away, glancing back at Lili. Her impassive expression didn’t fool me. I walked back inside, wrapped both arms around Lili’s waist, and kissed her softly.
“What do you think?” I asked, making a third attempt to let Shelly know I wasn’t available. You would’ve thought the fact that I’d been holding Lili’s hand all the way up here, or that I mentioned the size of the closet in our bedroom would’ve been enough. Apparently, this woman was completely obtuse. Or she just didn’t care. Either way, I was done with her.
Lili stared into my eyes for a moment and the hint of a smile crept onto her face. It was the kind of smile that I knew meant trouble. She stepped away from me and looked up at the ceiling of the apartment. She stepped around me, moving to have a view of Shelly where she stood near the sliding doors.
“Are there support beams in the ceiling?” Lili asked Shelly directly. Shelly looked confused, glancing up and then back to Lili.
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“I mean, are there support beams. Like, in the master bedroom, or in this general area somewhere.” She waved a hand toward a corner of the living room. When Shelly’s expression didn’t change, Lili sighed in exasperation. “I need to know that we have somewhere to anchor a pole with enough space around it for movement. I’d prefer it be in the bedroom but if it has to be in the living room, I just need to know ahead of time.”
I scratched my jaw with my thumb, trying to hide my smile as Shelly’s face turned a deep shade of red. Lili’s posture was relaxed but I couldn’t see her face. I was willing to bet the look she gave Shelly was anything but pleasant.
“I… I’m not sure. I’d have to check…” Shelly stumbled over the words and Lili nodded at her.
“Please do. I have to make sure my man stays agile.” Lili slipped back up beside me and wrapped an arm around me, sliding her thumb into the waistband of my slacks and patting my stomach in a sign of familiarity.
“Of… of course,” Shelly turned, heading back toward the front door of the apartment while motioning for us to follow.
“You could always just piss on me to stake your claim next time,” I whispered into Lili’s hair as I kissed her head. Keeping her hand in mine, we headed down the stairs in front of Shelly while she locked the apartment again. “Isn’t it normally guys that are supposed to act territorial?”
Lili frowned at her feet, keeping her eyes from mine as we walked. “I really wouldn’t know. I’ve never done this before, remember?”
“Hey.” I pulled her to a stop when we re
ached the bottom of the stairs. I released her and cupped her face in both hands, leaning in to kiss her softly. I looked her in the eyes before I spoke again. “I’m yours. Got it?”
She stared at me a moment before the tiny smile I loved to see — the almost embarrassed, somewhat disbelieving smirk that showed I’d broken through her wall again — made its appearance.
“Damn right you are,” she said, grabbing my belt loops and standing on her tiptoes to kiss me. I heard Shelly behind us and I knew she’d planned her attack purposely. I couldn’t help but grin against her lips as I wrapped my arms around her. When she finally broke free of the kiss, she narrowed her gaze behind me, taking control in the way only she can. “We’ll let you know when we make our decision.”
After the fourth apartment tour of the day, I was starting to feel pretty worn down. I had to go meet with the lawyer still but I was already second-guessing my decision. The two bedroom apartments that were in my price range were not anywhere I would ever want Conner growing up. The second one had a large dark stain on the living room carpet that the landlord tried to tell us was just candle wax but I wasn’t ruling it out as a bloodstain. Especially given the fact that the living room window was boarded up. The landlord promised that would be fixed before we moved in.
“I liked that last place,” Lili said softly, still looking over the floor plans in her lap as I drove.
She’d tried to protest my driving earlier but when I pointed out that her driver’s license was fake and we didn’t need anything to add to the legal crap we had going, she conceded. She admitted that she rarely drove since running away from home and though she’d been taught, it wasn’t by the best of people. It explained a lot that I hadn’t realized I’d noticed over the last few years. I thought she didn’t drive because there was an abundance of public transportation options in Vegas or that she just couldn’t afford a car payment.
“The last place was almost three hundred dollars over my budget,” I said, sighing as I headed toward the lawyers office. “And that’s before you include the cost of utilities.”
“I really shouldn’t move in with you. I can’t… Fuck, I have to quit my job now so I really can’t help you.” She frowned, stuffing the folder of papers in between the seat and the console with the others.
“Hey, that’s not what I meant,” I said, reaching over for her hand. “It wasn’t about you moving in, it’s about me having to do this right now. I’ve got to get back to work or…” I trailed off, swallowing as she twisted her fingers through mine. I did have another option but it wasn’t really one I wanted to consider.
“Or what?”
She sighed when I was quiet and released my hand, turning her head to look out the window as I drove. I tightened my grip on the wheel, remembering our agreement to be more honest with one another. She had opened herself up to not only me, but our entire family, all for the sake of my son. I may not be ready to delve completely into my own messy history but I could try.
“Or I have some money stashed away that I could use,” I finally said. She glanced over at me and I took a deep breath before I continued, keeping my eyes on the road. “My grandparents started accounts for each of us when we were born. We couldn’t touch them until we were twenty-one. It…” I tapped my finger on the wheel, hoping she would understand that I was going to continue, I just needed a second. “They were never around when any of us really needed them. It felt like, I don’t know, like they thought giving us money would make up for their lack of any real presence in our lives.”
After a beat of silence, Lili reached for my hand again. “I understand.” She glanced sideways at me, an eyebrow raised as she toyed with the metal hoop in her lip. “How much money are we talking?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle at the obvious attempt to lighten the mood. I brought our entwined hands up to my face, pressing my lips against the back of hers before I spoke. “Enough. I always said I’d never touch it, and honestly, I’d like to keep it that way. Tish asked once if I was going to leave it to Conner but…” I glanced over at Lili and back to the road. “They’ve never even met him.”
“Do they know about him?” she asked, her voice softer.
“Yeah. I used to talk to them occasionally. And I know Paige still does from time to time.”
“So why not spend the money to spite them?”
I shrugged. “I don’t want them to think they get any kind of say in how I’m living my life. Money usually comes with strings.”
She was quiet for several minutes as I turned into the parking lot of the lawyer’s office. “Money always comes with strings,” she said finally and I nodded. There was a price for everything.
Sweat burned my eyes as the heat in the room seemed to build with every movement. But I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. Not now. I needed this too much. I pushed harder, my normally disciplined flow becoming sloppy in my desperation. I ached with every single motion but I loved it.
The burn of my muscles caused me to become more vocal. Letting out the sounds was easier than fighting to keep them inside. I needed to let them go. I needed to let it all go.
I spun when I heard the door creak, my eyes falling on Tish as I huffed in air, dropping my arms in a guilty gesture from the nearly demolished box in the corner of the garage. I wiped the back of my wrist across my forehead to stop the sweat, only then noticing the blood on my hands.
“I hope there wasn’t anything breakable in the box. Do we need to get you a bag for out here?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest as he glanced down at my damaged knuckles.
“Just. Clothes,” I answered between pants, taking one last swipe at the box, knocking it off the top of the stack and kicking it with my final burst of energy. “Where’s. Conner?”
“I saw Zane was asleep so I turned on a movie for him in the living room. I was getting a drink for him when I heard you out here. What are you doing?”
I took the two steps over to lean on the workbench where I’d left my phone as I tried to even out my breathing. “I made Zane. Take his meds. And rest. I was. Just trying to. Get out. Some frustration.”
“You need to talk about it?” Tish’s concerned expression was one I knew well. One of my favorite things about him was that I never felt pitied when he was around. He could show concern and compassion without making me uncomfortable.
I waited, taking several deep breaths as my heart rate slowed. The air in the garage was stuffy and oppressive, almost too hot to bring relief to my lungs. How did I not notice how miserable it was out here?
“I just got off the phone with Shannon. I quit my job,” I sighed, clenching and unclenching my fists as I looked at the bloody mess of my knuckles instead of Tish.
“Because of Zane?”
“Because of Conner. Because of all of this. Because I’m too young to work in a bar and since the truth is coming out, I needed to let Shannon know.”
Tish nodded but didn’t speak at first. The sweat traveling down my arms burned in the raw skin of my hands but I ignored it, my mind in several places at once as I thought about money and jobs as well as the past and the future.
“What did she say?” he finally asked. I still didn’t look at him.
“She was upset. Understandably. I could’ve gotten her in trouble. But she told me that I should come see her when I turn twenty-one.” I shrugged, looking up at Tish through my lashes. “I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do until then. Finding a job in a city that caters almost exclusively to the twenty-one and over crowd is going to be impossible.” I sighed. “And finding a job Zane will actually let me do without freaking out again is going to be a pain in the ass.”
Tish used his hands to pull himself up onto the worktable attached to the wall. I finally looked up and caught his raised eyebrow. “Do you really blame Zane for being protective of you?”
Frowning, I crossed my ankles and stared at my shoes again. Did I blame Zane? It seemed like so much had happened since he went to work with me but i
t was only a few nights ago. Then, I had blamed Zane. But after the last few days?
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “No, I don’t. I guess I understand but I have to work. I have to do something. I can’t just sit back and wait for the police to find him. That’s not a life.”
“I agree. Which is why I talked to Tony today about bringing you back to the shop,” Tish said. My eyes widened as I looked at his smug expression.
“You what?”
“I talked to Tony. We were looking to bring in someone to train as a new piercer and you could make some damn good tips doing it. Plus help with some of the counter work. It would be like old times.” Tish grinned wider.
I couldn’t help the shock rolling through my body. I’d worked for Tish and Tony when they first opened Living Ink, right after I moved in with Tish. It was my first real job. It was the first time I felt like I was really getting a chance to start over. I loved working there but at the time, Tish wouldn’t even consider letting me do anything but the counter work. I’ve always suspected he knew I was younger than I claimed to be.
“You’d really do that?” I asked, even though I knew the answer. Tish had always bent over backwards for me. He would do anything and I knew that. But knowing that and believing it were still two different things.
“Of course, Lee. Now go shower and clean up those hands before Zane sees them.” Tish hopped down, shoving my shoulder lightly as he followed me into the house. “Tony’s looking forward to having you around again.”
Laughing, I shook my head. “He’s got a fight on his hands now. I’m not afraid to take him down if he messes with me.”
“Oh, this is gonna be fun.”
After I showered, I realized there wasn’t much I could do for the mess on my knuckles. I wrapped the worst spots with gauze after cleaning them up before heading back to the bedroom. Zane was still out cold. He was pushing himself too hard while he was healing and I knew it was catching up to him.