by Maegan Abel
I chuckled, pushing my hair back as I thought about our day apartment searching. “Well, actually, we’re looking for a place of our own. I’ve decided to fight for full custody of Conner so I asked her to move in with me.”
Jackson was quiet and I thought he may say it wasn’t a good idea. I kept waiting for someone to tell me they didn’t think it was smart or that it was too soon. “Have you found anything yet?”
“Not really. Every apartment I can comfortably afford isn’t somewhere I would want Conner growing up and the few apartments I actually like are way out of my price range.” After another pause, I started to think maybe I was making Jackson uncomfortable but then I heard a muffled voice in the background.
“Hang on a sec,” Jackson said and the phone went silent as he muted it. I cradled the phone between my shoulder and my ear, starting to push myself up with my hands to sit on the washer before I realized my mistake. The phone slipped free as my back stiffened, the pain causing me to wince as I pulled my arms forward to stretch out the still too tight muscles in my back.
“Fuck,” I breathed, squatting carefully to retrieve my phone.
“Zane, are you there?” Sydney’s voice surprised me as I put the phone to my ear.
“Sorry. I dropped the phone. I’m here.”
“Hey! Jackson said you and Lili were looking to move. Is there a certain area of town you’re looking for?” she asked.
“Uhh, not really. Just a decent neighborhood. Why? Do you have something in mind?”
“Actually, I do. My aunt had her house title transferred into my name about ten years ago when my uncle passed away and we had to put her in a nursing home several months ago. Jackson and I have been struggling to make both house payments while it’s on the market. It’s in the Summerlin South area and actually backs up to the golf course. It’s gorgeous and you’d be doing us a favor if you took over the payments for a while.”
I stood, stunned as I listened to her offer. Summerlin wasn’t a bad area at all. Lizzie and I had looked there before we found our place in Spring Valley but we couldn’t really afford it at the time.
“Well, what are the payments?” I asked, still hesitant. Houses in that area were on the high side and I wasn’t sure if I was setting myself up by hoping to get lucky.
“We can talk about that once you see the place. Jackson is off tomorrow if you want to meet us there?”
“Sure. Sounds good,” I said, reminding myself, yet again, not to bet on something that sounded too good to be true.
Once I finished the phone call with Jackson, I headed back to check on Conner. It seemed to take him longer than usual to fall asleep. Maybe that was just because I felt exhausted and stressed. I was worried about the next step in this trial. I’d filed all the paperwork to start the process and it was officially underway. But it could end so badly.
I stayed with him, curling beside him on his little bed and ignoring the pain. It was starting to feel like every day with him was one to remember. Probably because my fear of losing him was clawing at my insides. What would I do if I lost him? I shook my head, brushing the hair off his forehead to kiss him. I couldn’t lose him. That was all there was to it.
When he finally fell asleep, I silently slipped out of the room. I walked into the living room, immediately noticing that Tish and Lili were missing. Turning toward the hallway, I spotted them heading back in from the kitchen. They had obviously been talking and the look in Lili’s eyes when they locked with mine ramped my unease.
Kas muted the TV as she shifted, letting Tish sit in the recliner while she took her normal spot in his lap. Paige turned as well, facing Lili like they were all expecting her to say something.
She stared at the TV for a moment but made no move to sit as she stayed beside me in the archway to the living room. She took a deep breath before glancing over at me. “I’m going to Texas,” she stated firmly and I felt like the air had been knocked out of me.
“You’re… what?” I tried not to let myself panic. We were good. We were solid. She wasn’t running if she was telling me where she was going. Right?
“Just for the trial,” she clarified at my obviously shocked reaction.
My brain started working again at her words. Just for the trial. She would be back. But she was leaving.
“When?” My voice sounded somewhat choked.
“In a few weeks,” she said, reaching out a hand and slipping her fingers into mine. She was leaving. She was going to face her past and yet she was reassuring me. Suddenly, the gravity of the situation set in.
I ran a hand through my hair as I realized I couldn’t go with her. There was no way with Conner hurt and the custody hearing pending that I could leave the state. “I… I can’t…”
“I’m not asking you to come,” she whispered, moving to stand in front of me. She carefully placed both her hands on my chest. “I know you can’t and honestly, I’m not sure I could handle it if you had to see.”
I stared down into her eyes, my mind working quickly through the details. She would be going back. She would be seeing her family and… “No.” I shook my head, trying to clear the thought as well as tell her I wasn’t okay with it. “I love you but this isn’t safe.”
“Zane, I have to do this. If I don’t go, he could end up free. What if he does this to someone else?” I could see the tears she was holding back as she spoke. I could see the fear behind them. She was scared but she was determined.
Stepping forward, I dropped onto the couch and propped my elbows on my knees. My hands automatically gripped my hair as all the things that could go wrong with her hundreds of miles away flooded my mind.
“She needs to do this. She might be the only thing standing between this asshole and freedom,” Paige said from beside me. I looked over at her, immediately seeing a difference in her face. Paige had been gone for so long that when she came back, I tried not to notice the hard edge she’d developed. There was a bitterness that hadn’t been there before and now that it was gone, I could see the girl I remembered.
It struck me that I thought of Lili this way too. There were two sides to her and while I loved them both, I craved the trust I felt when she let me in. I’d never noticed the other side of Paige until I saw the vulnerability in her again.
“It’s dangerous. What if something happens and the only people she has with her are the ones that let her get hurt the first time?” I didn’t direct the question to anyone specifically as I ran my hands over my face. She needed to do this and I didn’t want to keep her from going but I couldn’t think past the potential for disaster in this scenario.
“She won’t be alone,” Tish said, drawing my attention to him. “I’ve already talked to Tony and he’s going to cover for me for a few weeks. I’ll go with her.”
Everyone was quiet as I absorbed his words. Tish was going with her. I knew he wouldn’t let anything happen to her but I couldn’t help feeling like I should be the one going.
Finally, I felt her sit beside me on the couch. I sighed and reached over, pulling her into my lap and burying my face in her neck. There was something so comforting in holding her close and I realized how much I truly enjoyed being able to show my feelings for her. I loved this girl more than I thought possible. It still felt surreal and if so much bad hadn’t happened in the time since I was released from the hospital, I might have wondered if I were dreaming.
“Fine,” I said the word softly, brushing my lips against her skin. “Fine. But you have to promise me you’ll be careful.”
It only took two days to decide that the house was a perfect fit for us. It was a newer style and, like most houses in Vegas, there was a pool in place of the backyard. But there was also a nice sized park in the neighborhood only a block away. Syd’s aunt had a great mortgage on the place and the payments were stretching at the very top of my budget but still doable. Having a house owned by one of our friends, and one that came with at least the bare essentials in the way of furniture, was more than I’d
hoped.
By the end of the week, we were moving in. It was a brief process as most of our stuff was clothing and we would have to buy a lot of things new. The day of the actual move, Jackson came over for a few hours to help with the lifting. Lili threatened me with bodily harm if I tried to help, so I decided to take Conner out to do some shopping to keep us both out of the way.
When we’d taken Conner to see the house, he was excited but he was nervous about the move. Change was difficult for him and he was already in pain on top of it. He’d said several times that he didn’t think he wanted to live in the new house. We were still attempting to convince him of how cool it was. That was when Lili came up with the idea to let Conner decorate his own room.
I knew I was going to have to field the questions about Lizzie soon too. He’d stayed with me a few weeks each summer so he might not start asking for her yet but eventually he would. And I had no idea what I was going to say when that time came.
For now, I was focused on him as he rambled while we walked through the home store. He stopped at several of the room displays and I could see the end of the aisle held a huge Transformers room. I knew he would love it.
“I don’t want a baby bed anymore,” he said as he stood beside a toddler Spiderman bed that was similar in style to the toddler bed I’d had for him the last few years. He sat on the edge, eyeing the red plastic headboard as he tried to move his right arm in the sling again and flinched. “Can I get a big boy bed?”
I knelt down, helping him change the position carefully so he could be more comfortable. A sling on a four year old is a whole different kind of bullshit.
I glanced around the display, knowing I would be stretching every cent I had with lawyers and medical bills, but I wanted him to like his room. And, I could try to do the twelve months same as cash option if I spent enough. That way I could pay it out.
“We’ll see what we can find,” I promised, holding out my hand for his again. He stopped at a cubby unit that had different pop up boxes with superhero logos. On top, there was a distressed looking piece of wood painted blue with white lettering.
“What does that say?” he asked as my eyes scanned over the words.
“Uhh…” I swallowed, hesitating. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to read the sign, it was the realization that hit me when I did. “It says ’Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a Superhero.’”
He tilted his head and I pretended not to notice him watching me. I looked away from the sign, glancing at the dinosaur display across the aisle and wondering why we couldn’t have stopped at that one instead.
“Mommy said I’m gonna be a brother.”
I sighed, running a hand over the back of my neck as I cursed Lizzie in my head. This was not a conversation I wanted to have in the middle of a store. It wasn’t a conversation I was ready to have with him at all yet, honestly.
“So it seems,” I said as I held my hand out again, hoping to distract him by moving us to another room.
“She said that she has a baby in her tummy and when it comes out you and me and her and my brother will all get to live together again.” He put his hand in mine but I paused, closing my eyes as I tried to think on my feet.
Fuck Lizzie for doing this to me again. I couldn’t believe she’d gotten his hopes up like that. Actually, I could. It was infuriating that she was constantly using Conner as a pawn in her games.
I knelt down in front of him, putting myself at eye level. “You know we’re moving into the new house today. That’s why we’re shopping for stuff for your new bedroom. It’s just going to be you, me, and Lili there, remember? We talked about this when we showed you that you have your own room there.” I tried to reason without making a big deal about the fact that Lizzie had lied to him. His brow furrowed and he looked down.
“But Mommy will come when they take the baby out of her tummy?”
“No, buddy. It’ll still be just you, me, and Lili in the house,” I said. I struggled for a moment, thinking about the baby.
It hadn’t occurred to me in so much detail until now but that baby, if its mine… I couldn’t just leave it with Lizzie. It wouldn’t be any safer than Conner. Fuck. How did that work? Could I fight for custody of an unborn child? I needed to find out if it was mine and I needed to do it soon.
“Where will Mommy live?” Conner asked, his eyes sad. It always shattered me when I saw these reminders of what my divorce from Lizzie put him through. He has such a big heart and even with all he’s been through, he can’t see the bad in his mother. I honestly hope he never does.
“Mommy will stay at her house. Come on, let’s pick out your bed stuff so we can go get a bunch of junk food for our first night in the new house!” I said excitedly, trying to distract him. Relief flooded me when his eyes lit up at my words.
“Like popcorn? And goldfishies?”
“Exactly,” I answered and he glanced back at the Superhero room once before we continued down the row.
The sound of Conner’s giggle and Zane’s answering chuckle made me smile as I slipped out of the bathroom attached to our bedroom. After the insanely hectic day of moving and unpacking the essentials, I’d needed that shower.
The master bathroom of the house had been a huge selling point for me. The massive tub looked inviting on the day we first viewed the house but tonight, it was almost impossible to pass up. If it weren’t for the sheer exhaustion and the fact that I was afraid I might actually fall asleep in the water, I probably would’ve tried it out. But, as it was, the extra large glassed-in shower with the dual showerheads was perfection.
I could still hear their voices and occasional laughs after drying my hair and putting on my pajamas. Quietly, I slipped down the hall to Conner’s room, peeking around the corner to check on them. I didn’t want to invade on their time but there had always been something about the bond between Conner and Zane that was irresistible to watch.
I could see them both laying side-by-side on the high platform of the bed. When the delivery guys had come in to set it up, I’d rolled my eyes. Zane’s explanation of Conner begging, coupled with Conner’s replay for me as they watched the guys putting it together, broke me down. It was almost a bunk bed but without a bottom bunk. Just a high bed with a ladder and a slide. It would be exactly the kind of thing a four year old would want but also the kind of thing a four year old with a dislocated shoulder would struggle with. Not to mention, based on the amount of furniture and the few still unpackaged decorative items, I was sure Zane spent way more than he budgeted.
But, watching them in the light cast by the small projector displaying stars all over the ceiling of the room, seeing them cuddled together, and hearing them laugh, made all of those thoughts disappear. This was exactly why we were doing this. All of it. I knew Conner needed Zane but, truth be told, Zane needed Conner just as much.
“Do you think I can be a good big brother?” Conner asked and I felt my heart drop at his words. I didn’t realize Zane had told him about Lizzie being pregnant.
“I know you can,” Zane answered. I stood frozen to the spot. I wanted to back away but now I was afraid that moving would draw attention to my presence.
“But being a big brother is hard, right?” Conner sounded genuinely worried. I swallowed, closing my eyes as I listened for Zane’s response.
“Sometimes it is. Being the big brother means it’s your job to protect your younger siblings.”
“Like Uncle Teesh protects you?”
“Yeah. Just like that. And like Uncle Tish and I both protect Aunt Paige,” Zane answered, his voice somewhat choked. It was the push I needed. I didn’t want to listen to this right now.
Just as I turned to leave, Conner’s voice spoke up again. “LeeLee, are you a big sister?”
I closed my eyes, swallowing down my discomfort before I turned back to face him. My eyes briefly met Zane’s and I could see the apology in them. Whether it was for what I’d overheard or for the fact that Conner was questioning me
about my family, I didn’t know. Either way, it didn’t matter right now.
“No. Actually, I’m a twin. Do you know what that means?”
He nodded. “My friends Lissa and Kayla are twins. Their mommy had them in her tummy at the same time.”
“Right. So, I have a twin sister that was born at the same time,” I said, thankful I didn’t have to try to come up with a way to explain that one to him.
Conner yawned and his face shifted back toward the ceiling as he looked at the stars. “I don’t know how to be a big brother. And my momma’s not here with my baby brother or sister. I want her here.”
I opened my mouth, not sure how to respond but I could tell Conner was getting a little upset as he tried to fight off sleep. “I know it’s hard but it’ll be okay. I promise that Daddy and I are going to do everything we can to make sure you can see your little brother or sister as much as you want.”
Conner reached out a hand for me and I moved closer, stepping up the bottom two steps of the ladder to lean over the rail. “I love you, LeeLee,” he said as I bent down to kiss his forehead.
Squeezing his fingers carefully, I ran my hand over his hair, brushing it out of his face. “I love you, too. Sleep tight, okay?” He nodded and I glanced over, catching Zane’s eyes briefly before I made a quick retreat.
I headed down the hall to the master bedroom. It was still weird to think of it as our room but that’s what it was. I closed the door behind me and stared at the bare walls, knowing that unpacking the boxes would help make this feel more like our room and our place. I hadn’t officially agreed to live here and I knew Tish would let me take over Zane’s room if I decided I wasn’t ready for this, but as uncomfortable as that conversation was with Conner, this still felt right.
Conner belonged with Zane. I belonged with Zane. But I had yet to figure out how Conner, Zane, and I fit together. Some days, it seemed so clear. Others, I was left feeling like an outsider, looking in on someone else’s life.