by Maegan Abel
She nodded, taking a step closer but still not meeting my eyes. I tucked her carefully into my side, keeping my arm high on her shoulders to hold her to me. As we stepped out, I turned us, trying to keep my body between her and the reporters but they managed to weasel around in front of us. As we moved toward the middle of the crowd, I heard it.
“She’s nothing but a fucking whore.”
My head whipped in the direction of the voice, just catching the face before he spat directly on Lili. She staggered and seeing red, I pulled her behind me, immediately diving at the guy and tackling him to the ground. I pinned him, landing three solid punches to his face before someone knocked me sideways, kicking me hard under my left arm as I had my hand back for another punch. The blow was perfectly aimed and I curled in to protect my ribs, catching the foot of the second offender before he could kick again. I tugged hard, pulling him off balance and scrambling over, landing a single punch before the first guy was behind me, yanking me by one shoulder and forcing me to my back. My head jerked with the force behind his fist but I couldn’t feel the pain with the amount of adrenaline in my veins. The second hit made me realize my arms were pinned and I lurched to one side, throwing him off as I pulled both feet up, kicking him square in the torso to shove him away. I could feel the concrete on the raw skin of my back and I knew my shirt was ripped somewhere.
The ringing in my ears finally gave way to screaming as several police officers burst through the reporters that were surrounding us, recording every moment of what happened. I barely heard the words being yelled by the officers but I stayed down, allowing the one who approached me to cuff me before sitting up. My brain caught up with me in that moment and I immediately started scanning the crowd for Lili. My heart dropped when I couldn’t see her through the sea of cameras in my face.
What the fuck did I just do?
As the officer helped me to my feet, I looked again and finally spotted her. “Follow us,” I called over to her. While she was staring right at me, her expression was completely blank and she made no move to show she’d heard me. No acknowledgment at all. I stopped walking, causing the officer to shove me. “Stop. My girlfriend. You can’t leave her back there. It’s dangerous,” I tried to explain but he continued pushing me, leading me around the corner to the police station. I tried to look to see if Lili was following but I couldn’t spot her again once she’d disappeared. Panic slipped through, washing away the adrenaline of the fight as it took over residence in my body, chilling me to the bone.
The officer removed the cuffs once I was placed in the holding cell and I tried again to explain, even beg, for one of them to bring her in or at least check on her and make sure she made it to the motel. I could feel my eye and jaw swelling as I paced, thankful that my cell was at least empty. The two guys were in the next cell over and once I actually got a good look at them, I realized they were the two guys that had been sitting with Hunter’s parents. His brothers, maybe? They laughed and the sound infuriated me again. I turned, practically sprinting to the bars that separated us.
“You find something funny, motherfuckers?” I spat, my arms shaking with the need to continue pounding the shit out of those two assholes.
“Hey. Back up,” the closest officer yelled and I stepped back, trying to remind myself that I needed to keep my cool in order get out of here and to Lili.
As I paced, my mind was brought back to the guy I met this afternoon. Was it only a few hours ago that I was wondering what could’ve gone so wrong in his life that he managed to land himself in here? If it weren’t for the fear I felt about Lili being alone right now, I might have actually laughed at the irony. I’d been in Texas all of twenty-four hours before I found myself in a jail cell.
Maybe I wasn’t so different from him after all.
It took almost two hours to finally get cleared and released by the police. All three of us agreed not to press charges and were given a warning to steer clear of each other for the remainder of the trial. Fine by me. Fuck if I wanted to be anywhere near them.
Once I stepped out of the holding area, I hoped Lili would be in the waiting room. She wasn’t. I tried not to panic as I pulled my phone out the second my belongings were slipped back to me from the officer behind the desk, dialing her while I stepped out into the late afternoon sun. I jogged toward the motel, my heart hammering when her voicemail clicked on. She wouldn’t not answer.
I ran, redialing as I bolted down 11 Street, barely pausing to watch for traffic as I weaved between the visitors on their way to and from the State Capitol. The phone rang once, twice, three times as I completely by-passed the elevator, darted through the parking lot, and took the stairs two at a time toward our room. I fumbled with my wallet as I dug the room key out, cursing when voicemail picked up yet again. Something was wrong.
Finally getting the door opened, I dropped my phone and wallet on the floor. Pausing to assess, I could hear the shower running. I threw the latch closed on the door and took the few steps to put me in front of the bathroom. I tried to stop my gasping breaths but my lungs burned from the exertion and my body ached. When I heard the sob inside, I threw the doors open. Sliding the curtain back, I found her curled on the bottom of the tub in a ball crying. It broke me.
Without even bothering to take off my shoes, I climbed in behind her, pulling her into my arms and holding her to me as the water drenched my clothes. “Shh. Baby, I’m so sorry. It’s okay. I’m sorry.”
As terrified as I was that she would pull away, she didn’t. She sobbed into me, clinging to me as I held her tight, murmuring to her and hating myself more for every second she cried. How stupid was I? What kind of asshole did it make me to snap that way when she was on edge?
Eventually, the water started running cold and her body began to tremble in my arms. I stood, lifting her even though I knew she would protest. I ignored my own pain, standing on one leg and using my foot to turn off the water before stepping out onto the floor carefully in my soaked shoes. I grabbed a towel off the rack above the toilet, inhaling sharply at the protest from my side. I was shocked that Lili held onto me, her arms wrapped around my neck as I carried her out of the bathroom. Sitting her on the edge of the bed, I wrapped the towel around her shoulders. Using one corner, I started rubbing at her long hair, trying to dry it quickly as she shivered. By the time I got her hair to stop dripping, I realized I was making the problem worse with my wet clothes. I wrapped her in the towel before heading over to our bags in the corner. I tugged the ripped shirt over my head, tossing it to the floor as I kicked off my shoes. The only thought on my mind was getting on some dry clothes so I could take care of her. After unbuckling my belt and pants, I slid them off, pulling my socks with them.
I grabbed pajama pants and underwear from my bag but before I could turn to head to the bathroom with them, small hands wrapped around my waist from behind. I was preoccupied and so wrapped up in my worry that I hadn’t heard her move. I froze as she grazed her nails over the trail of hair on my stomach, her fingers following it toward the edge of my boxer briefs.
I caught her hand, stopping her progress before turning to face her. “Lili, what are—”
“Don’t.” Her voice was firm, stronger than I expected after way she broke down in the shower. “Don’t tell me to stop. I’m tired. I’m fucking tired of not having control of anything going on. I want you. I need this.” She pulled her hand until I released it and immediately cupped my dick through the cotton material that separated our bodies.
Groaning, I grabbed her wrist again in one hand and her shoulder with the other. She didn’t remove her hand from my body and I didn’t force her, but I searched her face, trying to figure out what she was thinking. “This isn’t—”
“I don’t care. I just need this. I need you. Please,” she begged, her hand moving along me as I firmed from her touch alone. I glanced down her body, struggling to keep coherent thoughts as I took in her naked form. I tried to remind myself that this wasn’t right but fuck if sh
e didn’t look even more incredible than I remembered from our shower back home.
“I…” I trailed off, losing steam as she stepped even closer, pressing her body against mine as she pulled on my neck, bringing me down so she could meet my lips. Without any conscious decision to do so, I lifted her, walking us to the nearest bed and releasing her as I climbed on, our tongues continuing to claim one another. Her hands gripped the sides of my boxer briefs, practically clawing at my skin in her haste to remove them. I kicked them off, taking away that final barrier between our bodies. Reaching between us, I slid my fingers along her still damp skin, easily finding exactly what I aimed for. Her body arched, her head falling back as she moaned.
My lips moved down her neck and I grazed my teeth along her collarbone, enjoying her gasps, the sound making me ache with the need to bury myself in her completely. I slipped one finger inside her and then a second, loving the way she looked as she closed in on that moment of ecstasy. Now that she wasn’t touching me, something began working in my brain again and I hoped, maybe in vain, that if I could get her there, if I could give her this release, it would be enough.
I watched her closely when she cried out, tightening around my fingers as she rode out her orgasm. I continued kissing along her shoulder carefully, allowing her to come down slowly and hoping she wouldn’t freak out or panic. She caught me off guard when she rolled, changing our positions as she straddled my thighs. “Whoa, Lili, we don’t—”
“Quit,” she said, surprising me again when she leaned down and ran her tongue from the base of my cock all the way to the tip.
“Oh fuck,” I gasped the words, a shudder running through me as I fought to control my body. She circled me with her tongue before taking it into her mouth and I called on every bit of restraint I could find to keep from losing it right then.
She took me deeper into her mouth and I groaned as she released me. I watched as she scooted forward, her eyes on mine. There was determination on her face, but no uncertainty. “I need this,” she repeated and I understood what she was trying to tell me. Lili, like me, used sex to gain control of her life.
She was going to use me to gain that control.
I tried, once again, to find that noble part of me that I knew was hiding somewhere inside of me. The part of me that knew it was wrong to do this now, with everything she was going through, but all I could focus on was the way her eyes seemed so sure. Her steady, confident gaze brought back the girl I’d fallen for before I’d even realized it. Apparently, my conscience was just as fucking sexually frustrated as the rest of me.
So, I nodded.
Locking my hands behind my head, I relinquished my control. It was her decision to make.
Slowly, she lowered herself onto me and I had to pull my hands out, already holding her in place once she was fully seated. I breathed heavily, closing my eyes as I forced back the orgasm threatening at just the feel of her around me. She was perfect, beyond perfect.
When I opened my eyes, her expression caught me off guard. The confidence and determination were gone, replaced with something softer. Neither of us moved, our eyes locked as the moment stretched between us. Finally, I reached up, grazing just the tips of my fingers over her jaw before sliding them into her wet hair. I added the slightest pressure, pulling her toward me, and the spell was broken.
She leaned down, her lips finding mine and it was more than just a kiss, it was the culmination of anticipation. It was full of expectation and relief. It was absolution and completion.
This, whatever this was between us, was real and if I’d needed any more proof that this girl was mine, that single moment was it. She was it. She was everything.
She leaned up just slightly, breaking our kiss but staying so close our heavy breath continued to mingle between us. Her eyes closed as she began to move, slowly rolling her hips over me.
“Fuck.” The word came out as a groan while I fought the urge to rush this, the part of me wanting the release warring against the part that never wanted this feeling to end.
I ran my hands up her thighs, my fingers finding her waist as my hips started moving in time with hers, matching the rhythm she set. I tried to stay conscious of my grip on her, focusing on my fingers, making sure I wasn’t holding her too tight.
She sat up then, arching her back as she continued to move, running her hands up to push her wet hair from her face, and it was almost too much. My gaze slid down her body, focusing on my grip again, noticing how my thumbs were only inches apart on her tiny waist as I held her.
Dropping her hands to my chest, she steadied herself as she started to move faster, her eyes still closed as her movements became more fevered, rougher. I felt my fingers tightening and again reminded myself to be easy.
She huffed out a shaky breath and the crease in her brow told me what I hadn’t wanted to notice. She wasn’t making eye contact now. She was avoiding it, putting her feelings aside, though I’d felt them between us when we started.
“Pix,” I whispered and she shook her head slowly. It was a plea to let her do this her way and I knew that, but I couldn’t. Not now. I’d seen it in her eyes, felt it in that kiss.
Sliding my hands up her back, I pulled her down to me, using more force than I would have normally, before I rolled us. She gasped, her eyes flying wide as she stared up at me where I hovered above her, no longer moving.
The fear in her eyes was clear but I knew it was a fear of what she was feeling. I leaned down, nuzzling my face into her hair before finding her ear.
“I feel it, too,” I whispered, loving the way she shuddered as I spoke. I started to move, one torturously slow thrust, and her hands caught my shoulders as she arched slightly beneath me. “This is us.” Another slow thrust and she raised her hips to meet mine, groaning in either approval or frustration as I stopped again. “This is how it’s supposed to be.” I grazed my teeth along her ear as I moved again, this time staying in a deliberately slow pace. “I am so in love with you, Lili.”
The catch in her chest was my first hint, followed quickly by the tears that slid down toward her hair. She was crying. Pushing my weight up to my hands, I looked down at her, my heart sinking as I took in her face. Her eyes were scrunched and she was obviously in distress.
I pulled in a breath, preparing to withdraw and apologize for pushing her when I knew she was fragile, but her eyes opened and locked on mine. She lifted her hand, placing her palm over my heart as her tears continued. “I am so in love with you,” she repeated my words and the fear I felt dissipated in an instant.
This was us, just as I’d said to her. This was everything we were meant to be and meant to find. The ever-present doubt started trying to bubble up like bile in my throat, threatening to choke me, but I forced it aside. This was Lili. This was right.
We were right.
Lili arched then and shifted to roll her hips, causing a tremor to start at my shoulders and run straight down my spine, urging me to move faster. So, I did. She stared up at me, her hands at my neck, in my hair, trailing down my arms, but her eyes…
Her eyes never left mine.
I was lost in them, lost in her. I never knew it was possible to feel this much, this close, to anyone. This wasn’t sex any more than our earlier kiss had been a kiss. This was love and as much as the thought of it terrified me, the purity of the emotion shone through in the tears on her cheeks.
My arms started shaking as I lowered myself back to my elbows, the change in pressure against her lower body causing her muscles to tighten around me. I was close, so fucking close, but so was she. I dropped my forehead to hers, our eyes still open as sweat or water or a mixture of both ran down from my hair. When I couldn’t hold out any longer, I kissed her, bleeding every bit of myself into her as her release pulled me willingly over the edge.
My arms were seconds away from giving out on me completely as I rolled to the side, dropping to the bed while attempting to somehow pull myself together enough to form coherent thoughts. Lili s
eemed to recover first, turning toward me and taking her normal spot against my chest. We stayed silent for a while. So long, in fact, that I began to wonder if she’d fallen asleep.
“I didn’t know it could be like that,” she whispered, her head still on y chest.
“Neither did I,” I said, surprised at the hoarse sound of my voice. I wasn’t sure what I’d expected her to say but I felt relief in the knowledge that I wasn’t imagining it.
That was love.
This is love.
I’d always known that it was powerful but I was wrong. It wasn’t just powerful. It was consuming. It was inspiring and unyielding and terrifying.
She tilted her head up, her confusion evident. Seeing her eyes made the terror more prominent.
Stop. Stop this because God knows I can’t. Save yourself.
It’s what I should’ve told her. I should’ve warned her. But I didn’t. I’m a coward at heart. A selfish one who wasn’t ready to admit to her the reasons she should’ve run away from me without looking back.
Instead, I trailed my fingers down her soft cheek, brushed back the hair that was partially obscuring her face from my view, and answered her unspoken question.
“I’ve never felt anything like that before. Ever.”
She frowned, studying my face. For a moment, I worried that she saw through my words to the ones I should’ve said. I could usually read her emotions so clearly, it only made sense that she could see inside me as well.
“We shouldn’t have done that.” I tried to keep my expression smooth but her words felt like yet another kick to my chest today. Her eyes widened, either at something she saw in my eyes or the realization of her words. “No. I just meant without protection. I don’t… I’ve never… without…”
I sighed, rubbing my forehead in frustration. I was fucking losing my mind today. I needed to get it together. Plus, it wasn’t like me at all to forgo a condom. Lizzie was the exception, apparently, though I still had trouble believing I hadn’t demanded to wrap it before we fucked. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. But I’m clean, they ran hundreds of blood tests for everything imaginable when I was in the hospital, remember?”