by Maegan Abel
Lili let out a breath, nodding against me as she cuddled into my chest again. I trailed my fingers along her arm, loving the feel of her bare skin against mine but not wanting to broach the last topic. I wasn’t really sure how we’d never discussed this before. “Are you on the pill?”
She rolled away just slightly, lifting her hand and tapping the skin of her upper arm. “Implant.”
She rested her head on my arm, giving herself enough distance to watch my face as I stared at the ceiling, attempting to once again compartmentalize all of my bullshit thoughts.
“Are you mad at me?”
I rolled immediately toward her. “Why would I be mad at you?”
“For trying to use you.” Her voice was hesitant as her eyes slid from mine.
“I couldn’t be mad at you right now if I tried.”
She shouldn’t use sex to cope with her emotions anymore, but could I really blame her for that? Would I have been any different if I were in her position?
I leaned forward, pressing my lips softly to hers. “I would do anything for you, Pixie. Even give up control in bed, which is something I never do.”
“Is that so?” She raised an eyebrow, the mood finally lightening between us as she shoved at my chest. I hissed without thinking and her eyes widened. She sat up, looked down at my side, and gasped. I glanced down, seeing the darkening bruises already blooming on my skin.
“Don’t. It’s fine. It’ll bruise but it’s not bad.”
She tugged on my arm, sliding off the bed. “Come on. Let’s get you taken care of.”
“It’s fine. Really,” I said, letting her pull me toward the bathroom.
“Your back looks awful and I need to clean these cuts on your face. Just shut up and don’t fight me.” Her voice was authoritative and I grinned.
“Yes, ma’am.”
Staring out the passenger window, I gave Zane brief directions on how to get to my parents’ home outside the actual city limits. As we drove along the highway, the silence that I knew he was providing to try to let me clear my head was instead making me crazy. I needed to talk, get some things off my chest, and hopefully be able to make it through the next few days.
“I had the training camera on that night. I’m surprised Hunter didn’t know that,” I whispered, letting out a slow breath. “I didn’t always use the cameras but when I was so close to landing a new move and something was off, it was the easiest way to study what I was doing wrong.” I could see Zane’s hands tighten on the wheel when I looked over but he didn’t interrupt. “I stole the tape but I never watched it. It’s the one thing I still had from before, the only thing I’ve kept with me the entire time.”
“Where is it now?” he finally asked, his voice tight.
“The lawyer came by the hotel room to pick it up before you made it back.” I thought about the text I’d received right after the lawyer left. “Zane, why did you really come to Texas?”
He looked over sharply, his brow creased in confusion before he turned his attention back to the front, concentrating possibly harder than necessary on the unfamiliar roads. “I told you, I didn’t like how we left things. I realized everything that was happening wouldn’t have happened if I’d just come with you in the beginning.”
I nodded, my skin tingling as goose bumps rose on my arms. I crossed them, rubbing my hands over my flesh to ward them off.
“Are you cold?” Zane asked, reaching over to lower the air conditioning in the car.
“I’m fine,” I said, knowing it wasn’t the air that caused the chill. The text had been from an unknown number, not even the one I had saved from Jordan’s last attempt to contact me. It was a new number. I slipped my phone out to pull up the message again.
I knew your guard dog would come running. He’s so predictable.
I hadn’t responded to the text but a few minutes later, another came.
What? Didn’t he tell you why he came?
And one final text had arrived as I stood frozen in the bathroom, terrified Jordan would find me alone.
He really didn’t tell you I’d been spotted crossing the border from New Mexico into Texas? All it took was one false lead.
I wasn’t sure what the last one meant. Had he been spotted or was that the false lead? I wanted to reply but it was just one more thing I had no control over. I’d thrown my phone on the bed before climbing in the shower, not wanting it anywhere near me while I’d tried to compose myself.
Now that I’d calmed down and managed to put some of today behind me, the questions still lingered. Was this another game or was Zane lying to me again? Surely he wouldn’t flat-out lie to me after everything that just happened with Lizzie.
As we took the last turn and pulled into the long driveway of my parents’ home, the house I’d grown up in, it was still weighing on my mind. I couldn’t sit here not knowing what was going on anymore. I was tired of feeling weak.
“Is that really the only reason you came?” I asked directly as Zane put the car in park. I watched him closely, trying to gauge his reaction. His eyes tightened before he turned to look at me.
“Is that not reason enough? I missed you and I hated that you were dealing with all of this and I wasn’t here. I hated hearing from Tish how you were physically sick from the stress of it all and not being able to do a fucking thing about it.” He ran a hand through his hair, letting out a small grunt and wincing, probably from pulling his side. He looked like shit, his eye was bruised and his jaw was swollen, but he didn’t like to show pain. That much I understood.
“So, not only did you not answer my question, but you also got awfully defensive. Isn’t that usually a sign that someone is lying?”
“Where the fuck is this coming from?”
I handed him my phone, undoing my seatbelt as he read the texts open on the screen. “And, for the record, you still didn’t answer my question.” I grabbed the handle and threw the door open, stepping out into the humid night air. I actually missed Vegas. The dry air of the desert was miserably hot during the summer but at least it didn’t feel this sticky and gross.
Stepping away from the car, I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself. I pulled the cigarettes from my purse and lit one, needing the buzz from the nicotine. I heard Zane’s expletives and saw from the corner of my eye when he slammed his hand against the steering wheel, obviously not happy with being caught, yet again, in a lie. I walked to the front of the car, leaning against the bumper and smoothing out my skirt with my free hand. Lydia and Jefferson would throw an absolute fit if I showed up to dinner in jeans. So, just to show my willingness to respect them, I wore a skirt. It was black and paired with my purple leather halter top, it was not at all what they would consider appropriate. But then again, that was the point.
“I really wish you’d quit,” Zane said, leaning against the car beside me but leaving space between our bodies.
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll quit smoking when you quit lying,” I snapped, not realizing just how angry I was until he spoke.
“Fair enough.” Zane hung his hand off the back of his neck, staring up at the cloudy sky. I took another drag, holding the smoke in and releasing it with a sigh.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say now,” Zane said finally, holding out my phone in his hand. I took it, sliding it into the impossibly tight pocket of my skirt.
“Nothing. I just wanted you to tell me the truth. But you couldn’t even do that, so there’s nothing left to say.” Even as I said the words, my heart ached with the meaning behind them. He wouldn’t leave me here and I wouldn’t ask him to but right now, I wasn’t exactly sure what would happen when we got back to Vegas.
“Answer me this, what good would it have done for me to tell you that Adam might be here? Think about it. Who would it have helped? Would it have helped you deal with the trial? Would it have helped you sleep at night? What good would it have done?” He sounded frustrated and I almost understood his point.
“I don’t reall
y know. Maybe it would’ve kept me from going out on the landing alone to smoke. Maybe I would’ve gone to the police station to wait for you instead of thinking it was better to get some distance from your temper and going back to the room. But it doesn’t really matter now because I can’t trust anything you say.” The words hit me as soon as I said them and I took another deep drag from my cigarette, letting the meaning seep into my body with the nicotine. “I can’t trust you.”
“Christ, Lili, do you—” He stopped himself as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and dropping his head into his hands. He took a deep breath and the catch in it didn’t escape me. He felt my words just as deeply as I did. “Fine. You’re right. Let’s just get this over with.” He pushed off the car, causing me to look up. I saw Jefferson standing in the door, arms crossed as he watched us.
Closing my eyes, I tried to regain the numbness that was becoming my salvation in all of this. Noticing the tremble in my fingers, I took a final pull from my cigarette before snuffing it out on my boot, all to irritate Jefferson further.
“It’s impolite to stand outside when you have people waiting for you,” he said as Zane and I climbed the stairs to the massive front porch.
“You’ve made the mistake of thinking I care if anyone finds me polite.” I smiled, pushing past both Jefferson and Zane to enter the house, though it was the last place I really wanted to be. Honestly, I only did it to drive the point home to Jefferson.
“Kylee.” Lydia’s voice stopped me on my way to the living room and I sighed, turning as she rounded the corner from the dining room. “What in Heaven’s name are you wearing?”
“Clothes,” I answered flatly, already sick of my own game. This is why playing by their rules was usually easier. “And that’s not my name. Kylee is dead. She killed herself sitting on the side of the bathtub upstairs years ago.”
“Honestly, stop being so morbid. And go clean yourself up. You look like common trash.” She clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “I still don’t understand why you’ve ruined your beautiful hair by dying it this hideous shade. It makes you look even more sickly than you already do.”
“Thank you, Mother,” I said through my teeth, unable to help the way my eyes blurred. No matter how old I was, it seemed that the disapproval of my parents burned me to my soul. I turned away, ducking my head before moving into the living room, hoping Denni and Kaitlyn were around for a buffer.
Dinner was a quiet affair, consisting mostly of Kaitlyn and Denni trying to keep up conversation with Zane, who was sitting at the far end of the table. He hadn’t spoken a single word to me since we were outside and though I knew I shouldn’t care because I wouldn’t know what to believe, it still ached.
Feel completely alone in a room full of people who should all love you was excruciating.
“Excuse me,” I whispered automatically, an ingrained habit. Jumping from the table, I rushed up the stairs to the farthest bathroom in the house, slamming the door behind me. I leaned against it for a moment until I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I was slightly disheveled, most likely from unknowingly toying with my hair.
Walking to the counter, I stared at the girl looking back. What the hell was happening to me? I was a fucking mess and I was sick of letting it all get the best of me. I wasn’t that girl anymore. Kylee was dead, just as I’d told Lydia. Without thinking, I slammed my fist into her face in the glass. Once, twice, three times, until spider webbing cracks spread beneath my fist.
“Do you feel better?”
I spun to the door, realizing I’d forgotten to lock it as Denni stepped in.
“Not really. Although Lydia will probably pass out when she sees the damage so that actually does lift my mood a little,” I answered honestly, trying to smile.
“Let’s see your damage,” she reached for my hand, turning on the water and running my knuckles under the stream. There were only a few small cuts, none of which looked bad enough to need stitches.
“Did they shit themselves when I ran from the table?” I asked, keeping my eyes trained on my hand.
“He tried to come after you but your father stopped him. They went into his study,” she replied softly, grabbing for a Band-Aid from the medicine cabinet. She knew me well enough to know I was asking about Zane. Once she covered the largest cut with the bandage, she kissed it like she used to when I was younger, making me smile. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and him but…” she paused, shaking her head at me when I tried to speak, “that boy loves you, honey. You two are connected in a way that most people only dream about. From what you’ve told me about him and what I’ve seen myself, it’s obvious. Whatever problems you have can be worked out. Let him help you. Let him heal you.”
I couldn’t help the small sob that escaped and she pulled me into her arms for a moment. Hearing it from her — the woman I wanted to be when I grew up — made it hurt even more. “He lied to me. He keeps lying to me. I don’t know how to get past it.”
She sat back, running her fingers under my eyes to stop my tears and fixing my hair as she spoke. “What did he lie about?”
“It shouldn’t matter.”
“It does matter. The reason behind it is important. No relationship can be completely open. We all deserve our moments of privacy. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on the beautiful surprises that can come from those moments.”
“He hid the fact that he was letting his son see his ex, with him present, while I was here.” I hated how petty it sounded when I explained it to someone else. I felt my anger start to slip. “And he promised once I found out that he wouldn’t lie anymore, but he did it again. He told me he came here because he missed me and wished he was here to begin with but I found out that the guy that shot him was possibly spotted entering the state. That’s the real reason he came.”
“Oh, honey,” she sighed, grabbing for the tissues on the counter as she continued trying to make me presentable. My eyes threatened to ruin her work once again. “It sounds to me like he’s determined to protect you from being hurt when he can. That’s not a bad quality in a man. It’s the kind of quality that makes a man take a bullet to keep you safe.”
The tears dropped onto my cheeks as she leaned in, brushing them away again. She turned me to face the mirror. Standing behind me, she put her chin on top of my head. I stared at my reflection again, the way the crack caused a distortion in the girl looking back. “This part of you that keeps thinking of yourself as the broken little girl, it’s inside you. You’re the only one who can take it away. He wants to help heal you as much as you want to heal him. You see him as whole, don’t you?” I nodded, my brows scrunching as I took in her words. “He sees you the same way. He’s trying to do what’s right. Relationships always require a learning curve. You two haven’t had the most conventional of beginnings. It’s been a series of rough times. You have been through more in the first few months of your relationship than most people go through in the first several years. Give it a chance, okay?”
With a deep breath, I nodded, taking her advice to heart. She was right. This was one of several reasons I’d missed her all these years.
She left me alone to finish composing myself but after a few anxious minutes, I remembered her words. Jefferson had taken Zane to his study. That meant he was probably talking to him and that was something I never wanted to happen. Zane never needed to hear whatever my father was saying to him. My parents were and always had been heartless people who wouldn’t give two shits about tearing down a man they don’t know. Add that to our fight tonight… and what? Zane’s last words to me rang in my mind as I tried not to stomp down the stairs in my boots.
“Let’s just get this over with.”
What was this? Was it the dinner? My stomach twisted with the thought of other possibilities. It had to be the dinner. He couldn’t honestly think I was going to end things. But, at the time, wasn’t that exactly what I was thinking would happen? My hand trembled on the rail of the stairs as I rea
ched the bottom. I could hear Kaitlyn and Denni laughing in the living room but I turned, heading down the hallway to my father’s study.
“From what I’ve seen, between the footage I tried to bury from this fight and what my lawyers have found on you, I’d say my daughter needs to be kept as far from you as possible. You can’t honestly believe it’s right to pull her into all of this.” Jefferson’s voice stopped me in my tracks outside the door. It was cracked and the sound of shuffling papers had me peering around, trying to see what was happening before I entered. “You’re just like the trash you came from and Kylee deserves much better than that.”
Zane’s back was to me, stiff as he shifted through the papers in his hand. He threw them back on the desk. “You think I don’t know exactly where I came from? I lived it, I don’t need papers to remind me. Anywhere in all your research about me, did you find that the child you spoke of earlier, my son, isn’t even biologically mine? No? That’s right, my wife had an ongoing affair with my best friend that produced a child. I found out when my son was two but I’ve never held that against him. He’s mine. And yes, the lack of positive role models in my childhood could’ve ruined me. Hell, it could’ve ruined Lili, too, for that matter. But honestly, I’ve spent too much of my life trying to convince better men than you that I’m a good man. Myself included. So, with all due respect…” Zane paused, taking a breath and shaking his head. “No, I won’t even pretend that I respect you. In fact, I find it amusing that you think I’m not good enough for your daughter when I’ve done nothing but love and protect that girl. It almost cost me my life, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. You, on the other hand, chose status and money over putting a criminal who nearly destroyed your own child behind bars. In the end, that decision cost you your daughter and ultimately cost another girl her life. So tell me, who doesn’t deserve Lili?”