by Maegan Abel
It took a second before I realized what she was saying. “So, we need to use backup to be safe until then?” She bit her bottom lip and nodded, looking up at me hesitantly. “Okay. That’s not a big deal, Pix. We know where the condoms are,” I said, stepping forward and reaching out a hand to cup her cheek. We’d made several jokes when we moved in together about combining our condom collections. I’d never seen her worried about something so trivial.
Leaning down, I kissed her forehead. “Shower after, then?” I asked, running my nose down her cheek. She turned her face immediately, capturing my lips in a kiss that had me lifting her and moving us both to the bed.
I removed her shirt, kissing and nipping down her neck. Taking the edge of her bra in my teeth, I tugged it down, exposing one of many favorite parts of her body. Running my tongue toward the tip, I reveled in the tiny goose bumps that appeared on her perfect skin. Feeling impatient, I took her nipple in my mouth, sliding my hands lower to work on removing her shorts. The sound she let out caught my attention, drawing my eyes back to her face. It was a moan but there was almost a sob in it. Meeting her eyes, I could see something hidden behind the lust there.
“What?” I asked, finding myself already breathing heavily. She shook her head in response and I knew then that she was hiding something. Sitting back on my knees, I blew out a breath, locking my hands behind my head as I tried to refocus some of the blood in my body to my brain. “What is going on?” I hated having to ask her again, knowing she was hiding something.
“My implant is already past due.” The words came out of her in a rush and I had to repeat them twice in my head before I realized where this was going. I pushed away from her further, putting space between us as my eyes immediately fell to her bare stomach.
No.
“What exactly are you telling me?” I asked, hearing the hard edge in my question. I needed her to stop being evasive and give me answers.
“I… I don’t…”
“Spit it the fuck out. Are you pregnant?” She flinched almost imperceptibly before her face darkened.
“I don’t know. I’m not due to start my period for a few days.” Her voice was cold.
“So, what? You were just going to lie to me until then?”
“I wasn’t lying! I just didn’t want to tell you until I knew something for sure!”
“A lie of omission is still a lie,” I spat her own words at her, watching the flush spread up her cheeks as her anger reached a boiling point.
“Get the fuck away from me,” she said, snatching her shirt and pulling it over her head. I pushed off the bed, the almost choking smell of hospital still clinging to my clothes.
“Gladly,” I retorted, stopping myself from slamming the bathroom door behind me.
I stood under the stream of water, trying to calm the anger that had flashed up in me so quickly, picking it apart to figure out where it came from. What had been the first thought in my mind when I thought Lili was pregnant?
Everything that could go wrong.
Everything that, no doubt, would go wrong.
This was my punishment, still coming after me, as it always would.
When the judge ordered that joint custody was still on the table if Lizzie could stay clean for six months, I’d convinced myself that I’d lost the case. I was coming to terms with the fact that my time with Conner was temporary and in the end, he’d be back with Lizzie and I would be stuck begging for time with him outside of the few nights a week I got to see him in the custody agreement. Getting custody of Conner would be the best thing that could happen for me; therefore, it stood to reason that it would never happen. Lizzie getting pregnant and the baby possibly being mine could’ve torn Lili and me apart but we were managing. We were learning to adapt and Lili was being incredibly supportive. So, naturally, now the baby is gone. The myriad of things that could go wrong if Lili was pregnant were battering against my insides, ripping me to pieces.
I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t.
But I would.
It had been there, in the back of my mind from the very beginning. I couldn’t really have her because if I let myself be happy, fate or God or whatever deity or being decided these things, would remove her. One way or another. I’d intervened last time; saving her from my past that she never should’ve been a part of. But it would just keep happening. This was why I didn’t fall in love. This was why I didn’t get involved beyond a one-night stand. Not because of the pain it would bring to me — that was pain that I deserved — but because no one deserved to suffer with me. Lili certainly didn’t deserve to suffer.
Shutting off the water, I struggled to think about what the right thing to do was. Would it be right to leave Lili, regardless if she were pregnant? In my heart, that didn’t feel like the right thing to do. Leaving anyone while they were pregnant seemed unusually cruel. But, then again, if staying put her in danger, wasn’t that the selfish choice?
Once I dried off, I pulled on my dirty jeans to head out to the bedroom. I immediately noticed Lili wasn’t there. I quickly grabbed my sweats from the drawer and traded them for my jeans, my heart pounding as I headed toward the living room. One thought prominent in my mind now.
She left.
I froze when I found her sitting on the couch, the blanket wrapped completely around her as she stared at me.
“Go away,” she said, her voice cold and completely void of emotion.
“Lili…” I started, not sure what I wasn’t going to say. Having her hurt, or angry, was killing me. I wanted to apologize.
“No. Leave me alone.”
I sighed, closing my eyes as my brain and heart fought a battle that I couldn’t win either way. She was stronger than I had ever been. Maybe if I pushed back, she would have the strength I didn’t.
“Did you do this on purpose?” The question was out before I could stop it. I could almost feel the tension build as she remained silent. “Is that what this is? You were so jealous of the fact that Lizzie was pregnant with my child that you lied to me about being protected?”
Her face remained completely impassive as I spoke but her eyes, the one way I knew I’d always be able to read her real emotions, were closed. I couldn’t see anything and she seemed to have no reaction to my questions at all. It was as if I hadn’t spoken.
“I can’t believe you would be so petty,” I continued, not sure how my voice kept working when it felt like I couldn’t breathe. “You can’t stop competing with Lizzie and I hate to tell you but it’s really getting sad.”
Her next inhale was ragged. “Enough. Please? I give, okay? I’m tapping out. You got your point across, just stop. Please.” Her voice was barely above a whisper, trembling as her body shook with the effort of holding in her sobs.
Sitting on the couch with her knees drawn tightly against her chest and her face buried in the blanket, I’d never seen her look more broken. Guilt and the inherent need to go and take away her pain choked off my next words, shredding me completely as I stared. She finally gave in, her soft sobs echoing back in the quiet and making my self-loathing hit an all-time high.
With another deep breath, I forced myself to walk from the room. Closing the bedroom door, I slid down to the floor against it. In the quiet, I couldn’t escape the sound of her pain. I could still hear her crying but I didn’t move. Spending the night far enough away that I couldn’t comfort her but close enough to hear what I’d done was no less than I deserved.
The sound of my alarm drew me out of a state somewhere between awake and asleep. I grabbed my phone, punching buttons as I considered calling work to say I was sick. But I needed the money and I needed to give Lili the chance to run. It was Saturday and she had to work so Paige had been watching Conner for us. Lili would have the house to herself this morning and she could take her time packing. She would think she’d pulled one over on me again, that I wouldn’t know she was running, but I knew. In fact, I was counting on it. After dressing for work, I quietly went to the living room. S
eeing Lili asleep on the couch, I did my best to ignore the ache that threatened to swallow me whole.
Continuing down the hall, I slipped into Conner’s room, waking him up slowly in hopes that he wouldn’t complain too much. “Come on, buddy. Let’s go. I’m gonna take you to see Aunt Paige.”
He whined, his voice louder than I wanted as I started to help him into his clothes. “Nooooo. I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay with LeeLee.”
“Lili’s still sick, Conner. We want her to get better, right? We need to let her rest.” Now I was lying to my son. Just another thing to add to the list of reasons to hate myself.
“But I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay here and take care of her.”
“Conner—”
“He doesn’t have to go if he doesn’t want to,” Lili said from behind me.
I turned, taking her in like it was the last time. For all I knew, it would be. She hadn’t slept any more than I had. Her eyes had dark circles and her face was swollen from the amount of crying she’d done last night.
“LeeLee,” Conner said, running past me to wrap his arms around her. She rubbed his back, smiling down at him with the all the emotion that seemed leeched from her eyes when she’d looked at me.
“You wanna help me make breakfast?” she asked him, her voice showing a hint of excitement.
“Yeah! Can we make pamcakes?”
“Of course! Those are the best. Okay, go in the kitchen and I’ll be right behind you,” she said, stepping aside to let him pass her.
She moved in front of the door again once he was gone, letting me know she had something to say by the way she crossed her arms over her chest. She kept her eyes downcast, staring at a spot somewhere between our feet until she spoke.
“I know what you’re doing.” She looked up then, meeting my eyes with a determined stare. “I know exactly what you’re doing and it’s not going to work. I’m not going anywhere, Zane. I’m staying right here. You can’t push me away. If you want me to leave, grow some fucking balls and tell me.” She walked up to me and grabbed my hand before I could react, moving it to lay on her chest. The look in her eyes was almost feral but I could see the pain behind it. “My heart,” she said simply before turning to walk from the room, not giving me a chance to respond.
I stood, stunned at the rapid turn in events. She’d seen through me. She’d let me tear her down last night, knowing that I was grasping at straws and trying to find a way to push her to make the move that I couldn’t. I grabbed my keys and my phone from the bedroom, knowing I had to go through the kitchen to get to the garage. They were busy counting eggs when I walked in and I watched them for a moment, fully aware that Lili knew I was watching them. The way she interacted with him, the way she loved him and he loved her, this was what life was supposed to be like. Lili was strong — strong enough to handle my bullshit baggage and then some.
Stepping over, I dropped a kiss on Conner’s head. “Have a good day, buddy,” I said before turning to Lili. I leaned in to peck her cheek, the first of many apologies I would owe her for my mistakes, but she turned away. Her point was as clear as if she’d spoken it. She knew what I was doing, and she would take it, but she didn’t like it.
Walking out the door, I spotted her phone on the counter. Pulling mine out, I quickly typed a text, sending it as I backed out of the garage.
Mine, too.
I spent the day at work sending long apologies to Lili and getting no response. Not that I expected one. I knew she wouldn’t reply but I hoped she would at least be reading them. It was the tip of the iceberg when it came to the groveling I had planned. All day I’d been thinking up ways to make it up to her and while none of it would ever completely take away the damage I’d done with my words, I would never stop trying to earn her forgiveness.
“I don’t even know how you’re here today,” Jackson noted when he climbed back in the rig. He propped his arm on his open window, both of us enjoying the autumn breeze.
“I need to stay busy,” I said evasively. I’d done all I could to try to dissuade Jackson from broaching the subject of Lizzie losing the baby but once he knew, he seemed to make it his mission to help me talk it out. I didn’t want to talk about it, I wanted to work and think about spending my life trying to be the man Lili saw me as.
“You need to learn to deal with your grief,” he said, glancing at his phone.
I took a deep breath, my eyes checking the clock. “You don’t know the first thing about my grief, Jackson. Look, no offense, but I have a lot on my mind other than just Lizzie right now.”
“How can you say that? Lizzie was carrying your child.” I could tell by his tone that I’d offended him but I was sick of him pushing.
“Yeah, and so is the girl I left at home with my son this morning after yelling asshole things at her half the night,” I snapped, sighing as I realized what I’d just admitted. Lili would kill me if she knew I’d said something to Jackson.
Jackson’s face visibly paled. “Wait, Lili’s pregnant?”
“We don’t know yet. She just told me she there’s a chance but obviously I didn’t handle that well. I’m a little more worried about making amends with her right now.”
“Damn…” Jackson seemed lost in thought but before he could comment further, the dispatcher broke through, letting us know our relief was on the way and we could head back.
By the time I got into my car, my nerves were all over the place and it didn’t feel entirely like I was worried about how to apologize to Lili. There was something else but I couldn’t place it. I pulled out my phone, seeing I had a missed alert.
NEW TEXT from Pixie
Something soured my stomach but I reasoned that worst-case scenario, she was telling me not to text anymore cause she was laying down with Conner for him to take a nap or something. I opened the text.
Helpomieanuwidj
I stared at the random letters, my palms suddenly sweating. Help. I could clearly see the word help in the beginning. The text was sent over half an hour ago. I tried to hit dial to call Lili but the phone slipped out of my wet hand, falling under my seat.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I said, trying to squelch the panic I felt rising. I reached down, fumbling until I found the phone. The second it was in my hand, I had the car in gear and I was racing toward the house. I dialed, listening as the phone rang over and over, my fear climbing with every ring. By the time her voicemail kicked on, I was still fifteen minutes from the house.
I threw my phone into the passenger seat, unable to stop the tremors wracking my entire frame. This was it. This was my worst nightmare coming true.
Before I can even take two steps out the back door, the weight slams into me, knocking me off balance.
I hit the concrete of the garage floor, coughing as the wind is knocked out of me.
“Don’t fight,” a voice hisses but it only makes me struggle harder against the arms pinning me to the ground.
Hands wrap around my neck and I feel myself immediately start to panic.
I cough again, kicking out and feeling my foot connect with something solid.
“Fuck!” the voice cries as the hands on me loosen.
Just as I’m free of the grip, I realize why I’m choking. Smoke.
My eyes fly wildly around the garage, landing on the stack of boxes in the corner, which are now burning.
Reaching for my phone, I immediately remember where I left it in the house.
I spin toward the door, scrambling to get inside and away from my attacker.
A hand grabs my ankle and I hit the concrete steps, my head slamming against the edge before I can catch myself.
“Let’s go,” a voice says from outside but I can barely hear it over another sound.
The growling gets louder as I try to pry my eyes open.
Moving. Someone is moving me.
Bright light helps me find my eyes and I squint, trying to make sense of the scene around me.
I cough, groaning as the pain shoots from m
y side all the way up to my skull.
Flames. Huge flames.
“NO!” I cry, catching my attacker off guard as I break his grip.
Immediately, I’m on the stairs, staying low to avoid the thick, black smoke layering the ceiling of the garage.
My only thought as I throw open the door into the house is Conner.
The flames have already spread, the wall separating the living room from the garage engulfed.
“Conner!” I yell before I’m slammed from behind again.
“Stop fighting!” the voice demands this time, attempting to restrain my hands.
“My son! You have to let me get him out! CONNER!”
The attacker grabs the back of my shirt, yanking me to my feet.
Vertigo hits me with the force of a truck and I lean over, vomiting as I blink into the thick smoke.
I throw an elbow, catching the attacker in the face as I rush toward the hallway and Conner’s room.
“Fuck!” The attacker grabs me, throwing me against the wall. The punch he lands to my jaw sends pain ricocheting through my skull again, the ring on his finger slicing through my skin.
I look up, seeing the flames as they eat away at the ceiling of the hallway. The loud explosion from the garage rattles the already unstable walls and knocks me off balance. “CONNER!”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
It’s still surreal to me that I’m sitting here writing thank yous for the end of my second book. I’m serious when I say that if the last year of my life has been a dream then I don’t want to wake up!
As always, my first thank you will always go to my family. All of you, near and far, who bought my book and pushed me to continue following my dreams. My aunt and uncle for your constant and unwavering support. My sister for always telling me how proud you are of me and for sharing my book with your friends. And, of course, my mom and stepdad. If you have met me at an event, odds are you’ve met them. They travel with me, help keep me sane (or drive me insane, as the case may be…) and I couldn’t do this without them. Not many people are lucky enough to have the support system I have with my parents and trust me, I’m thankful for it every day.