“Hey.” I tilt her chin up and stare into her eyes. She looks so scared, and I have no idea why. Sure, she’s not big on horror movies or scary things in general, but this goes way beyond that. “We don’t have to go inside if you don’t want to. We can walk back together instead.”
She stares back at me, contemplating my words. The others are already inside the maze, and I hear Jade scream. Mia jumps and buries her head in my chest. I wrap my arms around her and breathe in her lilac shampoo.
“Come on. Let’s go sit down over there.” There’s a bench not far away, and we can wait for the next truck full of people to come to the maze and get a ride back.
She allows me to walk her to the bench, and we sit down. “Sorry. You can go through the maze if you want. Don’t let me stop you.”
“And leave you here alone? I don’t think so. I only came tonight to see you.” Damn, I hadn’t meant to say that, but there’s no lying to Mia. So then, why haven’t I mentioned Faith yet?
“I wasn’t sure I was going to come home this weekend,” she says.
“Why? We always go to fall fest.”
“I know, but lately things have been different.”
It’s obvious she knows I’m dating someone. I should just tell her about Faith, but instead I lean toward her so our faces are mere inches apart. “We’ll always be Jared and Mia. Even when I think things have changed so much, when I see you…you’re still my Mia.” My head is telling me to pull away, but my body is telling me to lean in and claim those full lips with mine.
“Why do we do this?” She turns away, and I’m not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed. “You ended things. We shouldn’t keep falling back into this pattern every time we see each other.”
“You’ve never seemed to mind before. I mean, you even bought me a ticket and agreed to go on a ride you absolutely hate. This doesn’t feel so one-sided to me.”
“Because it’s not. But that doesn’t make it right.” She looks at me again. “We have to stop this, Jared. I can’t do it anymore.”
We may not be together anymore, but I’m pretty damn sure she’s breaking up with me. If I don’t do something, I might lose her forever. I can’t imagine my life without Mia in it. The idea is so foreign to me.
“Tell me how we do that, Mia, because I don’t have a clue.” She tries to look away, but I take her face in my hands. “Don’t. You can’t run from this. That’s what we’ve been doing. We’ve been pretending we’re both fine with the way things are, but it’s clear we’re not. I’m tired of it. God, I just want to…” I pull her face to mine and kiss her.
Chapter Eight
Mia
I’m too stunned to think straight. Jared is kissing me. We’ve kissed so many times before, but this feels different. He’s desperately trying to hold on to what we have. Only I’m not sure what that is anymore. Jared and Mia is all I’ve known for a long time. Who am I without him? As much as I care about Mark, can I really be with him if it means giving up Jared?
God, I’m so confused, and the things Jared’s tongue is doing to mine is only clouding my judgment more. I’m lost in a sea of emotions. I want Jared. I’ve always wanted Jared. But Mark…
Jared’s hands weave through my hair, no longer holding me in place since I’m showing no signs of pulling away. No, I’m doing the opposite. I’m tugging his shirt, bringing him closer to me. His mouth trails down my jaw and to my neck, burying itself in the spot that makes me moan every time.
“God, I missed hearing you do that,” Jared says. One of his hands lowers to my leg and inches up it.
This isn’t right. It feels right, but I know it isn’t. Mark’s back at school waiting for me. He has no idea I’m making out with Jared, and he doesn’t deserve this. “Jared.”
“Mia,” Jared says, thinking I’m saying his name because I’m lost in the moment. But I’m not lost anymore.
“Stop.”
His hand grips my leg, and his tongue stops caressing my neck. “Why?” He’s breathing heavily. “You seemed like you were enjoying it as much as I was.”
“I was, but that’s the problem.”
“I’m not following.”
“What happens on Sunday when we both leave again?” I have to get him to stop thinking solely in this moment. He has to look at the big picture and see why this can’t work.
“We both go back to school like we always do.”
“And then what?” I pull away, taking his hand off my leg. “You send me packages and we chat on Facebook, neither of us saying what we really want to and avoiding topics that might upset the other?”
“Topics—plural? Are you seeing someone?” His eyes narrow at me.
“Does it even matter? Whether or not either of us is involved with someone else isn’t the point. The point is what we’re doing here isn’t good for us. I can’t kiss you every time we’re together and then pretend it didn’t happen.”
“I’m not asking you to pretend anything.” He reaches for my hand, and for whatever reason I let him. “I don’t know how to not love you, Mia.”
My throat and eyes sting as fresh tears invade my senses. “Don’t.” I take my hand back and hold it up between us. “You can’t say that. You can’t.”
“Why? Do you want me to lie to you?” He shakes his head. “I couldn’t if I tried.” This time he wipes a stray tear that slips out. “You’re my brown-eyed girl.” The words are half-statement, half-song. “Remember when I requested that song at prom? And then I sang it to you again in our hotel room.”
The night we almost had sex. God, if I’d slept with him back then, it would have killed me. I wouldn’t have gotten over losing him. His image would be permanently etched in my brain, as if it isn’t already.
“What stopped you that night?” he asks, still looking deep into my eyes. “Why was I never good enough?”
“What?” How can he think that? “Do you doubt my feelings for you?” Why didn’t I say the feelings I had for him? I made it sound like I still have them. But then again, that’s the truth. I still do have those feelings.
“I know you loved me, but I’m not sure you ever fully trusted me.”
I reach up and press his hand flat against my cheek. “Of course I trusted you. I gave you my heart, Jared.”
“But not your body.” His words make me pull away. I know he’s been with other girls, both before and after me, but that hurts.
“Is that why you…?”
“Don’t.” His face goes rigid, his jaw clenched. “That is not why I ended things.” I’ve never seen him look so angry.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. I know that’s not why you broke up with me.”
“Do you?” He’s not letting this go, and I feel like an ass for hurting him this way.
“Yes. You’ve always been so amazing. You waited two years for me, and I know you would have waited longer if college hadn’t separated us.”
“I’d wait forever for you.” His voice finally softens, and it breaks my heart.
The roar of a truck fills the air, breaking the silence between us. I couldn’t be more thankful. My heart aches with confusion. Jared or Mark? The love of my life or the guy who could help heal my pain?
“I think our ride is here,” I say, standing up and needing to put distance between us.
Jared stands and faces me. “Did I lose you forever?”
For the first time I realize that our breakup was just as hard on him as it was on me. “No, you didn’t.” I can’t help wondering if those words just sealed my fate.
***
The next morning I don’t wake up until 10:20, which is late for me. Mom and Dad are both in the living room, watching an old movie on TV when I go downstairs for breakfast.
“Morning, sweetheart,” Dad says.
“Can I get you some breakfast?” Mom asks.
“Morning, and no, I’m fine. I’m going to grab some cereal. You two keep doing what you’re doing.” Mom and Dad are lifers. They’ve
been together since high school and are still totally in love with each other. I always thought Jared and I would end up just like them. Now, I have no idea.
I finish pouring Cheerios into my bowl when my cell chimes with a text. I pull it out and see it’s from Tee.
Have I told you how boring this place is without you? No boyfriend or roommate. When are you coming home?
She always calls college home since she hates to go back to her actual hometown. Tomorrow. You can handle it.
Ugh. I’m not so sure. Oh…I saw your new man last night.
She saw Mark? Where?
Student union. He misses you. Didn’t say so but I can tell.
That’s sweet. I want to tell her I miss him too—because I do—but things are so complicated right now. I settle for, Maybe he has a friend he can set you up with.
Maybe. I’ll ask him if I see him today.
Tell him I said hi.
Shall I give him a kiss for you? Momma is dying for some lip action.
I laugh. Tee is so crazy. I could actually picture her kissing Mark and then casually saying, “That’s from Mia.” I’d be lying if I said the thought didn’t make me jealous. I’d prefer if you didn’t.
Ooh, someone really likes her new man.
I smile, but it fades. I do like Mark, but I still love Jared. Someone’s at the door, I lie. Talk to you later. I feel like such a coward and a bad friend, but I can’t tell Tee my real feelings through texts. I need to talk to her in person so I can see all the exaggerated glares and gasps. I know exactly what she’d do. She’d raise one eyebrow and cross her arms in front of her. Then she’d tell me I was batshit crazy if I didn’t jump on this thing with Mark, who clearly wants me, and say good-bye to Jared, who is only confusing the hell out of me.
And she’d be right.
As if the universe wants to make me an honest person, the doorbell rings. “I’ll get it,” I call to Mom and Dad, and I catch a glimpse of them cuddling on the couch as I walk to the front door. I’m still smiling over it when I open the door and see Jared standing on my front porch.
“Hey, beautiful.” He’s all smiles.
“What are you doing here?” I look down at the skinny jeans, furry black boots, and sweater I threw on before breakfast. It’s not my best look, but it will do.
“I wanted to see if you were going to the candy apple taste testing.”
Day two of the fall festival is all about food. Apple cider, pumpkin pie, and the big candy apple taste testing. The local farms compete each year to see who makes the best candy apples. The competition, if you can call it that, is so unfair since Mrs. Maple owns a candy store as well as a farm, but no one complains because it means lots of free candy apples to go around.
“Hi, Jared,” Mom says, coming up behind me. “How’s school going?”
“Great, Mrs. Thompson. Thanks for asking.”
“Well, Mia, aren’t you going to invite Jared in?” Mom steps aside, motioning for me to do the same so Jared can come inside.
“Actually, Mrs. Thompson, I’m trying to get Mia to come with me to the fall fest.” Jared smiles and looks back and forth between Mom and me.
The dirty little sneak asked me out via my mom, knowing she’d tell me to go. I haven’t told her about Mark, and Mom is used to Jared and me hanging out whenever I’m home.
“That sounds like fun.” She puts her hand on my shoulder. “Bring me back a candy apple.”
“Sure, Mom,” I say, not knowing how to get out of this without having a very awkward conversation with her in front of Jared. “Let me grab my coat,” I tell Jared.
He talks to Mom, complimenting her new haircut. The two of them always got along so well. I remember coming home from my private art lessons to find Jared sitting at the table drinking tea and playing Scrabble with Mom. Even Dad loves Jared. I know they both are secretly hoping Jared and I will get back together one of these days. What parents wouldn’t love the boy who tells them he wants their daughter to focus on getting her degree instead of being in a relationship?
I pull on my fleece jacket, which I left on the couch last night when I got in, and meet Jared at the door. He and Mom are laughing about something, and I see Dad’s joined them. I roll my eyes at Jared, and he winks. We used to always joke that my parents love him as much as they love me. It’s good for Jared though, since his own parents aren’t the most caring of individuals. And they certainly don’t have the type of relationship Mom and Dad have. Mr. and Mrs. Grande don’t cuddle on the couch. They take separate vacations. They’ve never mentioned divorce, at least not to Jared, but I’ve always suspected their marriage was more out of convenience than love.
“Ready,” I say, interrupting the conversation.
“Have fun, you two,” Dad says, shaking Jared’s hand and kissing my head. Mom leans into him and they both wave as Jared and I walk to his car.
“They’re so embarrassing,” I say.
“Stop it. They’re great.” Jared opens my door for me, which I’m sure makes Mom and Dad fall under his spell a little more.
I watch Jared walk around to his side. He always did look amazing in those jeans. The ones I bought him for his birthday senior year. I know they’re the same ones, because I accidentally broke the belt loop during one of our more intense make-out sessions.
“I can’t believe you still have those,” I say once he’s in the car.
“What? The jeans?” Of course he knows what I’m referring to. He always could read my mind. “Like I’d ever part with something you gave me.”
“But I ripped them.”
He wags his eyebrows. “I know. Believe me, it’s a nice memory.”
I smack his arm. “Perv.”
He laughs as we back out of the driveway. “You seem happier today,” he says.
I’m not sure I’m happier, more like I was totally ambushed this morning and haven’t had time to process how I feel about it. “Think Mrs. Maple will win again this year?” I ask, twisting the ring on my pinky finger.
He turns to look at me for a moment before focusing on the road again. “Do we have to play this game?” His voice isn’t playful anymore.
“No game, Jared. I’m just trying to keep things light and casual.”
“When have we ever been light and casual?” He turns down a back road and pulls over, twisting in his seat to see me better.
“What are you doing?”
“We need to talk.” He rubs his forehead with his thumb and forefinger. “I’m sorry if things got intense last night. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
I keep my eyes on my ring because I’m a coward and can’t face him. “It’s not your fault.”
“I kissed you. I think that makes it my fault.”
I finally look at him and sigh. “And I’ve let you kiss me almost every time we’ve seen each other since we broke up, so why wouldn’t you think it would be okay?”
“Are you saying it wasn’t?” His voice is small and full of hurt.
“I don’t know what I’m saying. That’s the problem. I should know. Things shouldn’t be this damn confusing, but they are.”
“This is because of my profile picture, isn’t it?”
I shake my head. “You’ve dated other girls before. Plenty of them.” I don’t mean for it to sound as bad as it does.
“So this isn’t a ‘you don’t know where my mouth has been’ thing?”
I almost laugh. Almost, but the thought hurts too much. “No. I’m glad you don’t tell me about the girls you date. I couldn’t handle it.”
He reaches for my hand. “I know. I feel the same way. I don’t want to think about you with anyone else because it would be so hard for me not to drive to your campus and stick my fist down the guy’s throat.”
I can’t help thinking about Mark. He thinks he knows what he’s getting into dating me, but he doesn’t. I’ve already been unfair to him. Not that we ever discussed being exclusive or anything, but I’m not the kind of girl who dates one guy and
kisses another. So what am I doing?
“I’d never actually do that though. You know that, right? I’d never do anything to hurt you, Mia.” Jared places his hand on my knee.
“I know.”
He lets out a deep breath and turns back in his seat. “How about we forget all this awkward talk and just have fun today. Like old times. We’ll eat candy apples until we puke.” He smirks.
“I threw up one time. One time!” I say, laughing at the memory. “And it was all your fault. You dared me to eat every kind of candy apple they had.”
“Ah, but you accepted that dare.”
“Yeah, because I wanted…” My voice trails off. That had been the first year Jared and I went to the festival together. He had just moved here and we’d only hung out a few times. He said if I ate every kind of candy apple he’d give me a surprise. We both knew he meant a kiss, and I really wanted to kiss him.
“No dares today,” Jared says. “Just good food and good company.”
I nod, thankful he didn’t comment on the kiss that never happened. Not that day at least. I wasn’t kissing anyone after throwing up six candy apples.
The festival is just as packed as it was last night. Only today there are rows and rows of picnic tables and booths and booths of food. I pat my empty stomach, grateful I never got to eat those Cheerios.
“Hmm, what to start with? Pumpkin pie or candy apple?”
“Oh, no,” Jared says. “We’re candy-appling it all the way.”
“Candy-appling it? You totally made up your own word. Maybe you have a future as a writer.” I laugh, but then I think of Mark, who is always reading and quoting different books.
“Yeah, only I’d like to actually make money, so no thanks.” He laughs, but the comment hurts. I’m an art major. The chances of me making a lot of money are slim to none. He never understood why I’d pick such a risky career, but if you aren’t artistic, you can’t understand so I never held it against him.
We pass the pumpkin pie tables, waving to the proud bakers as we walk by. It’s the same people every year, so I know them all by name.
After Loving You Page 7