by Mia Clark
I want to say more, and I fully planned on saying more, but it's getting dark and something stops me. We don't have much time left before the sun sets, and we really should be heading back. I think my mom and I are only staying now because we figured Ethan and his dad would be back soon. I'm trying not to worry, but Ethan did say he was going to tell his dad while they were on their hike, and it's hard not to worry about that.
What if something happened? What if his dad got so upset that he stormed off and they're lost in the woods now, and something bad happened? Maybe they fell into a hole and they got trapped and they're stuck. Maybe Ethan broke his leg, or his dad broke his leg, or they both broke their legs, and...
Really, that's a little too much worrying, but the only reason I started worrying about all of this so suddenly was the howling. Before I could toss my freshly baited hook into the water, a piercing howl echoes through the woods across the lake.
We all freeze: me, Caleb, and my mother.
"Oh, shit," Caleb says. "I didn't think there'd actually be a wolf."
"Wait, what?" I ask. "Are you serious?"
"It did sound like a wolf," my mom says. "That's not good, now is it?"
"Where did you say Ethan and his dad were going?" Caleb asks.
"Just for a hike, I guess? I'm not sure," I say.
"I thought they'd be back by now," my mom adds. "It's been quite a few hours, I think. We sort of lost track of time. I don't have a watch."
Caleb checks his watch. "It's almost sunset," he says. "I'm not sure how long you've been out here, but I've been with you for about three hours."
"What? Seriously?" Holy wow, three hours? Um...
The wolf howls again. Or, possibly worse, another wolf howls?
"We need to find them," I say. "We need to go get them before it's dark."
"It's not that easy," Caleb says. "If you don't know where they went, and we have no way of contacting them, it's going to be really difficult to find them. For all we know, they could be back at the campsite by now, too. Maybe they're heading back now."
"I'm sure they're fine..." my mom says, but she doesn't even sound like she believes her own words.
"We should probably head back, too," Caleb says. "If there's a wolf out here, it's not safe. We put out scent markers to deter most animals from getting too close to the campground, but we mostly keep it to this side of the lake. Most wild animals won't bother you during the day, and the scent markers mostly keep them away at night, but..."
He doesn't have to explain more. If there's wolves in the woods and there's nothing to stop them, then anyone caught near them could be in trouble. I'm not sure how aggressive wolves usually are to humans, but I'm sure if a pack of them catches two lone hikers in the middle of the woods...
I don't even want to think about it. Please be alright. I know my stepdad and Ethan can usually take care of themselves, but I'm worried. Please... please be alright.
*** Ethan
These fucking woods. Seriously, super real talk right now, but what the fuck is up with these woods? We saw lights before, but they weren't even real lights. I mean, I guess they were lights in the strictest sense of the word, but who the fuck needs fireflies when you're lost in the woods?
Also, we've got this dog with us, and it's not even helpful. It just keeps circling around us, over and over, running in circles...
Yup, thanks, Dog. Thanks a lot.
Maybe I should give it a name or something? What the fuck, he's not even my dog, though. He should have a name already.
The next time he comes close, I hold out my hand to pet him and he stops. I reach for his collar, but that's all there is, no tags, nothing. He looks at me with contented eyes, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.
"Kind of strange that there's a dog out here, huh?" my dad asks.
"Uh, yeah," I say.
My dad laughs. "I thought we were done for before."
"Yeah..." Yeah, I did, too.
"I'm not sure if it's because of that or something else, but I'm glad you told me," he says.
"Told you what?" I ask. I'm not trying to be stupid here, but I want to make sure I know what he's talking about.
"You," he says. "And Ashley. It makes sense now. I'm not sure why I didn't see it before. I guess I just never thought of it as a possibility. You two have gotten on each other's nerves for such a long time, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," I say. "I really do like her, though. This isn't a fling or anything, Dad."
It isn't a fling now. It was going to be a fling when we first started our "with benefits" arrangement, but to be honest I'm not even sure if it was a fling then.
I loved how she challenged me. I mean, I didn't have to give in, you know? I could have pushed back, told her she was just drunk, saying stupid shit. Yeah, yeah, that first fateful fucking night when she dared me to sleep with her. She wanted to win, and I know she might not have thought that through entirely. You don't just say shit like that unless you mean it, though.
Maybe she didn't think I would do it, and maybe that's why she said it in the first place, but I think a part of her wanted it. I think a part of her just wanted to know what it was like. Maybe she thought it'd be fine to do it just for one night, and... fuck, that wouldn't have been fine with me. That's why I suggested the whole stepbrother with benefits thing in the first place.
I gave her a way out, though. I told her we could stop. I wasn't the one that chose this. I would have fucking chose it if someone gave me the choice, though.
I don't know if I deserve Ashley. I really fucking don't. She probably deserves someone better than me. Someone like Caleb, maybe. He seems like an alright guy, though kind of a pussy. Needs to man up a little, but other than that, he's not the worst.
I don't know what the fuck I'm saying anymore except that I want to be good for Ashley. I know I'm not exactly the kind of guy a mother wants dating her daughter, but I want to be. I don't think my dad is wrong about that. I don't think he was wrong to say that if Ashley was his daughter, he wouldn't want me dating her.
It's just...
It's a challenge, too, you know? It's like Ashley's dare, except this is my life, and I want to do it, and I want to win.
Winning means forever. Happily fucking ever after. It means love and romance and all the shit I never really thought about before, because I never thought I'd have it. I wanted other people to find it and have it, but do you know how fucking hard that is?
Falling in love isn't easy. I mean really falling in love. Not lust or temporary satisfaction or settling for someone who is nice to you. There's nothing wrong with that, either, don't get me wrong. Sometimes lust can become love. I mean, fuck, that's kind of what happened with me and Ashley, isn't it? Sometimes friendship can become love, too. I think that's what happened, also.
I just want everything. Love, lust, friendship, and a whole lot more. Ashley is everything. She's so fucking good at all of it, and it makes me want to be better.
I mean, yeah, I want to be a bad boy, too, but I think she likes that. I just kind of want to be a bad boy and boyfriend material at the same time. Maybe husband and father material, too, but let's not get too carried away here.
I have a lot of time to think about this shit. Me and my dad are just walking, and this dog is walking with us, too. I think maybe we're heading back to the campsite, but I have no fucking clue.
My dad clears his throat. I think that's it, but then he opens his mouth to talk.
"I love you, Ethan," he says. "No matter what, I want you to know I love you, alright?"
"Yeah," I say.
It's not like I was going to say more. I have no idea what to say right now. I just want to get back to the campsite and to Ashley and then we can deal with this shit, or just wait until tomorrow. Sleep on it, right? Yeah, sounds good.
Except, nah, nothing is that easy. Nothing is ever that fucking easy.
The dog pulls back and bristles, but whatever the fuck it sees, I sure can't see it. The
n, out of nowhere, there's this huge fucking bear. Black like the descending night, just hiding behind a fucking tree or some shit. This isn't a fake bear, not a dog that looks like a bear. A bear is a fucking bear, and there's no real way for someone to mistake it for something else.
I mean, I guess it could be Bigfoot, too, but let's not get too carried away here.
It makes a loud, guttural noise and stands up on its hind legs, aggressive. Thank fuck it's a decent distance away from of us. Like... not that far ahead, but at least we're not within arm's reach of it. I'm not sure this is going to help much, because it's a fucking bear and if it wants to have us for dinner, well... yeah, it's only got to take a few steps forward.
The dog starts barking, though. Then, no shit, it lunges at the bear.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I scream at the dog.
A whole lot of fucking good that does me. Try asking a dog what the fuck it's doing sometime and tell me what happens? Here, I'll just tell you what happens now so you don't have to.
Nothing. The dog doesn't give a fuck. It's a fucking dog and it's attacking this bear. Holy shit.
My dad jumps back as if to protect me, which is cool and all except this bear is massive and I'm pretty sure it could take us both down. The dog leaps forward and barks at the bear and then dashes to the side. The bear looks confused for a second, then falls back to the ground, on both legs again. The dog doubles back, standing in front of me and my dad, then it barks and growls at the bear again.
Apparently bears don't like when you bark and growl at them. Or jump towards them. I don't recommend jumping on a bear, or barking and growling at it, but if that's all you've got left between you and your imminent demise, then, yeah, fuck it, why not?
It worked for the dog, so who am I to judge?
The bear lets out one last grunt, which is kind of a yelp, too, and then it turns around quick and runs back into the woods.
"Holy shit," my dad says.
I agree with him. "Holy fucking shit."
The dog doesn't say anything, he just looks real fucking pleased with himself. Tongue lolling out of his mouth, staring at us like we're his best friends. You know what? Yeah, I want this dog to be my best friend.
"You're kind of dumb, aren't you?" I ask the dog. "You think that was smart or what? You could have gotten eaten by a bear."
"Ethan, why are you talking to the dog?" my dad asks.
I don't know? Because? The dog barks at me like he's saying it's totally cool to talk to dogs. This dog knows what's up.
"Yeah, alright, you can chase off bears, but how the fuck do we get out of the woods?" I ask him.
My dad thinks I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy, too, but I'd rather be crazy and talking to a dog than stuck in the woods for the night. There's fucking bears out here, man.
That's when it happens, too. I guess this is a turning point in my life. I don't know what it means, and I'm not sure what turned, but...
"Do you hear that?" my dad asks.
The dog barks. He totally hears it.
"I'm not talking to you," my dad says to the dog.
The dog barks. I don't think he likes my dad. I guess I can't blame him, because sometimes I don't like my dad, either, but he's not so bad.
"Sounds like the river," I say. "Maybe the lake? I don't know. It's water, at least. That's a good sign."
"Yeah, let's see if we can find it. We should be able to get back to the campsite then."
"Yeah, fucking... I hope so," I say. "Sorry about swearing so much."
My dad laughs. "I don't think I've ever told you this, but I kind of like it when you do. Do you know how often I want to curse at people when I'm working? I've got to maintain my composure and act professional, but sometimes people, they..." He pauses for a second. "They do really stupid shit and I want to tell them that."
I laugh. This is new and interesting. I didn't know my dad was a badass in the making.
"I envy you sometimes, Ethan," he says, smiling. "Not always. Don't get the wrong idea here. You're young and free and a little reckless, but I think you can go far if you learn how to temper your willfulness sometimes. Not too much, but you take risks that other people wouldn't even dare to take."
"Yeah, well, sometimes I fuck up really bad, though," I say.
"We all fuck up really bad sometimes," my dad says. "It's a balancing act. You can't always play it safe, and you can't always take risks. That's why—"
He stops. He just doesn't want to say more, I guess. I think I know what he's going to say, and it makes me smile, but it's too dark for him to see it. I think he's smiling, too, though.
"We'll talk about this in the morning," he says. "Let's go home."
Home. It's not a building or an exact area. It's the place where people are waiting for us. It's where Ashley and her mom are. Whether it's in the city, back in our mansion, or in the middle of these woods at the campsite.
That's where our home is. That's where we belong.
Sometimes we fuck up, but we've got a safe place to go back to. It's safe because of who's there waiting for us.
Yeah, I like that. Let's go home, Dad.
*** Ashley
It's dark now and they aren't back yet. We haven't heard any more wolf howling, but that was at the lake, so it makes sense we wouldn't hear it at our campsite. I'm not exactly sure how far away the lake is from the campground, but I think it's at least a mile or so.
Caleb stayed with us, and I guess I'm thankful, but I don't really know. He started a fire for me and my mom and then he helped my mom make a quick dinner for all of us. His dad stopped by for a little and said he'd call the forest ranger or something like that. I don't even know how this works.
"Can they go look for them?" I ask Caleb. I don't know who they is, but I just want someone to find Ethan and his dad.
"Searching in the woods at night isn't really useful," Caleb says. "It's a lot harder. Usually the search and rescue teams will just wait until morning. It's really hard to see in the woods at night, especially when you have to be extra careful about where you're going. They can cover a lot more ground during the day."
"I'm sure everything will be fine, honey," my mom says.
We made quick mac and cheese for dinner, along with grilling some chicken breasts. My mom wrapped them in tinfoil and then put them on top of the grate that Ethan's dad brought. They're nice and juicy, seasoned with a few local grown spices, and usually I'd love it, but...
I like mac and cheese, too. There's still some more keeping warm on the edge of the cooking grate, but I don't want to eat it. No one else does, either. It's kind of an unspoken agreement that it's there for Ethan and his dad when they come back... if they come back.
"What could happen to them?" I ask.
I'm not sure who I'm asking. Caleb, I guess. My mom knows as much about camping as I do, which is, um... not much at all.
Caleb doesn't answer, and I don't like the way he looks over at me. I don't want him to look at me like that. I don't even want him to look at me at all. I think he's nice and all, but I should be here with Ethan. We're supposed to be enjoying a family camping trip, but he's not even here. Seriously, what a jerk!
I'm angry, but I don't want to be angry. I'm angry at myself, I guess. I'm angry that I didn't just tell Ethan's dad about us this morning when I was in the shower. I could have. I could have told him any number of times before now.
It's stupid. We're stupid. Why did we think this was a good idea? We tried to hide it, but look what good that did us? Maybe if we'd just told his dad right when he got home, everything would have been fine. I don't know. Even if it wasn't fine, at least we'd be safe. I'd rather Ethan's dad be mad at us than for him and Ethan to be...
No, I can't think like that. They're fine. I'm sure they're fine. It's just...
I watch my mom, and I realize I'm angry at her, too. She could have told Ethan's dad. She said she would when they were on a trip together. She said that she'd tell him before they came home, but
then she didn't.
Maybe this is stupid, but I'm really mad at Ethan, too. He didn't tell me he liked me before. I don't even know if he did. He says he did, says he's liked me for a long time, but then why didn't he ever tell me? Why did he wait until just last week to sort of admit it. He didn't even admit it, though.
What would have happened if he never admitted it? If we did our stepbrother with benefits thing for the week and then stopped and went our separate ways?
This is stupid. I'm projecting or something. I'm trying to find a place for my anger, but I'm not even really angry, I'm...
I'm scared. I'm so very scared. I hope they're fine. I really really hope so, but there's nothing I can do and no way I can tell, which just makes me more scared.
I hear someone coming towards our campsite, but I don't bother looking up. It's probably Caleb's dad coming for him. It's not like Caleb can stay here with us. We don't have a tent for him. He has his own place, too. He's got his own home, and his own family, and his own...
"Fuck, man... is that chicken and mac and cheese?"
"Looks like it's still warm, too."
Um... Ethan? And my stepfather?
I look up to see them both standing there. For some reason, there's a dog with them, too. The dog stares at us: me, my mom, and Caleb. When he sees the leftovers on my paper dinner plate, he runs over and starts licking it clean. I don't even care, I can't take my eyes off of Ethan.
He looks at me, too, but then he looks away, kind of shy or embarrassed? His dad elbows him, nudging him forward, and Ethan takes a step towards me.
I'm done. I lose it. I jump up and run across the campsite to Ethan. He looks confused at first, but then he's smiling. I leap into his arms and he catches me. I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck and he squeezes me close and holds me tight, his arms around my butt.
We're practically standing right next to his dad, but I don't even care. I kiss Ethan. I shower his face with kisses, my lips touching every inch of him that I can find. There, there, there... his nose, his cheeks, his eyes.
His lips.
He kisses me back, too. This is getting, um... it's kind of hot, which is kind of awkward, because we're just right out in the open. Caleb is staring at us, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Ethan's dad goes over to my mom and hugs her tight, whispering something to her.