The Whole Town's Talking

by Fannie Flagg

  And then, of course, there was Harold Wiggler’s gravestone inscription that read “Hey, it’s dark in here. Somebody switch on the light.” It was so horrible in so many ways; she couldn’t even begin to think about it. She always avoided row 12, if she could possibly help it. She did not find the inscription the least bit funny. To Norma, death was not a joke, and in Harold’s case, it wasn’t even a funny joke.

  After she had visited her parents’ graves, Norma came back, picked up Sonny, said goodbye to Aunt Elner, and went on her way.

  —

  AFTER NORMA LEFT, Elner said to her neighbor Ruby Robinson, “Old Sonny looked good, didn’t he?”

  “He did, if you like cats, I guess. But wasn’t it sweet of Norma to remember your birthday?”

  “It was.”

  “She really misses you.”

  “And I miss her. She’s a sweet girl. She tries so hard, but sometimes her nerves just run away with her.”

  “Oh, I know. I think she’s the one person who taking a little drink once in a while might help.”

  As predicted, Tot Whooten arrived at Still Meadows not too long after Ruby. As soon as she had been greeted by Miss Beemer, a voice said, “Hello, Tot. It’s Mother.”

  Tot was stunned to hear her mother’s voice sounding so young and vital. “Mother? Is that you?”

  “Yes, honey, it’s me.”

  “Do you know who I am?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “You don’t have Alzheimer’s anymore?”

  “No…my mind came to me the minute I passed away. It’s going to be like old times having my little girl back with me.”

  Tot never dreamed that she would ever be able to talk to her mother again, much less have her back in her right mind. Her mother had not recognized Tot for the last sixteen years of her life.

  Later, she spoke with her grandparents, her old neighbors, and many of her old clients from the beauty shop. Verbena called out, “I’ll bet you won’t miss having to go to work every day, will you, Tot?”

  “You got that right, honey,” Tot said, and turned to Elner. “The thought that I will never have to tease another head of hair makes me want to jump for joy.”

  Ruby said, “You’re just gonna love it here, Tot. Just think, all your troubles are over…no more cares or woes. Nothing but smooth sailing from now on.”

  “Well, hooray. I wouldn’t go back and do that life I had over again if they paid me. What about you, Elner? Weren’t you glad when it was over?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, Tot. Even with all the little worriments of life, I enjoyed it.”

  “Easy for you to say, Elner,” said Tot. “You weren’t married to a fool.”

  A male voice interrupted. “Hello, Tot.”

  Tot was taken by surprise. “Is that you, James? Where are you?”

  “Six rows back.”

  “Oh, that’s right. We put you in the old Whooten plot.”

  “How are you, dear?” asked James timidly.

  “Well, other than being dead and buried, I’m just fine.” Tot turned to Elner. “Good Lord, I forgot he was out here. I’m just glad he’s way back there and not next to me. I don’t need to have that new wife of his stepping over me every time she comes to visit, thank you very much.”

  James heard what she said. “She doesn’t come out here much, Tot.”

  “Ah, well…I could have told you that.”

  “Yeah, she ran out on me.”

  “So I heard.” After a moment, she said, “You broke my heart, James.”

  “I’m sorry. Do you still hate me?”

  “I never hated you, James. I was just frustrated. If you had just stopped drinking sooner, we could have made it. I needed you, and your kids needed a father. And God knows I certainly didn’t turn out to be much of a mother, working at the beauty shop all day, but what could I do? Somebody had to make a living. Anyhow, both the kids are a mess. I don’t know how many generations it’s going to take to undo the damage we caused them. Dwayne Jr. keeps marrying all these idiot women who think they can save him; Darlene has had three no-account husbands and is working on her fourth. You’ve got one granddaughter who’s hooked on crack cocaine and been arrested twice, and another who’s a pole dancer up in Kansas City, full of tattoos and nose rings. And the worst part of it is, she thinks she looks good.” She sighed. “I don’t know, James, I tried, but I failed. I was just telling Elner I’m glad I’m dead.”

  “Oh, honey, now don’t say that….”

  “It’s true. I was awfully tired. I just couldn’t do it anymore. You have no idea what a relief it is going to be not to have to jump every time the phone rings, wondering which grandchild has been arrested now and for what.”

  “I’m sorry, Tot. I always loved you. I just didn’t know it.”

  “I’m sorry, too, James. I guess I didn’t make it any easier on you. I shouldn’t have thrown that cement gnome at you.”

  “That’s all right, honey.”

  “But in your defense, I don’t think you were ever the same after you got that piece of rice stuck in your ear at the wedding.”

  “Maybe,” said James. “But still, it was no excuse for me to act the way I did.”

  There was another long silence, then Tot said, “James, we can’t go back and undo all the hurts, but I would like to be friends. Can we do that?”

  “Tot, you don’t know how long I’ve prayed about that.”

  “Good. Now that we are friends, could you please tell me what in the hell you ever saw in Jackie Sue Potts?”

  “God only knows. I was a fool, that’s all I can say. A damn fool.”

  “And the worst part, she was one of my customers!”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “Well, you’re a man, so I guess some of it is not your fault. You just couldn’t control yourself when it came to women, and you’re certainly not alone in that department.”

  “Amen, sister!” thought six other women who were listening in.

  “Maybe,” said James. “But you think I didn’t feel guilty? You don’t know how many times I wanted to come home, but I was too ashamed to face you.”

  Tot heard what he said. But still, she wished he had come back home to her. He didn’t know it, of course, but she would have taken him back in a second.

  Elner noted that it was always interesting to find out things you didn’t know. Although they really liked her, most people thought Tot was tough and bitter. And she could say some pretty cruel things. But bless her heart, the truth was that all along, she had been hopelessly in love with a man who wasn’t there. Unrequited love will turn even the sweetest people bitter.

  —

  THE NEXT DAY, ELNER and Verbena were talking about how wonderful it was that Tot and James were speaking again. “And he’s sober!” said Verbena. “I never thought I’d live to see the day.”

  While the two old neighbors chatted, a huge flock of crows suddenly landed in the oak tree. Then a few seconds later, the whole flock picked up and took off again. Elner laughed. “Aren’t crows funny? I know a lot of people don’t like crows, but I always got a big kick out of them. Sonny hated them and tried his best to catch one, but he never did. Poor old Sonny.” Then Elner suddenly sang out, “Oh, Sonny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling, from dust to dawn. Oh, I’ll be there in sadness and in sorrow. I love you so, oh Sonny boyyyeee….”

  Verbena interrupted her. “You’re singing the wrong tune, Elner. That’s ‘Danny Boy.’ ”

  “Oh, that’s right.” Then she sang out, “Oh, climb up on my knee, Sonny Boy, though you’re only three, Sonny Boyyyeee….”

  Will Shimfissle giggled and said to a friend, “Don’t her singing sound like twenty bobcats with a bellyache?”

  —

  AFTER SUCH A TROUBLING and rather unhappy life, Tot Whooten found it pleasant out at Still Meadows. As Tot told Ruby one night, “It’s so sad now to think how many of these beautiful nights I missed when I was alive. It’s just amazing
to see all those thousands of little stars just twinkling away. I guess they were always there. Sometimes I’d watch the sun go down with Elner, but then I always went in and watched television until it was time to go to bed. But now I’m really enjoying seeing the night sky, listening to the owls, the frogs, and the crickets. That’s what I should have done more of, instead of looking at TV. Every damn night, but I was hooked on watching Dynasty and Big Valley with Barbara Stanwyck. I always admired her. She looked like she’d just as soon shoot you as look at you. She was my kind of woman.”

  Lester Shingle, who made it a habit to listen in on his main suspect’s conversations, took special note of that last remark. Tot definitely had a violent streak.

  2011

  Luther Griggs was driving his eighteen-wheeler and daydreaming about hitting the lottery. He had ten tickets in his pocket right now. His dream was to hit it big and buy one of those long, luxurious silver and brown recreational vehicles. And it wasn’t a vague dream. He knew the exact model and make. He wanted the Bounder, with all the accessories, the slide-outs, the extra-wide “He-Man” shower, and the awnings outside.

  He would quit his job, and he and Bobby Jo would drive it all over America, from one RV park to the next, living the high life. He had read about the Flying Flags RV Park in Buellton, California, that had a pool, a restaurant, bingo every Friday night, and live music and a barbeque on Saturday. What else could you want?

  —

  THERE WAS A LIGHT rain falling when he saw the car in his side-view mirror come up behind him. It was a sweet-looking red 1970 Plymouth Duster. He let her pass him, so he could get a good look at it. The lady driving it waved, and he waved back. Yeah, it was a ’70, all right. She or her husband had taken really good care of it. It still had its original paint and wheels.

  It had been raining off and on for about six hours, and as much as he wanted to get home, he held his speed limit to 55. There were so many oil refineries down here in this part of Louisiana, and this stretch of the interstate could get particularly slickedy in the rain.

  He was still behind the red Plymouth Duster, and a few miles up ahead, just as she was coming up to a bridge, an armadillo stepped onto the road right in front of her, and when it did, she did the worst thing she could do. She swerved to try to avoid hitting it, and she swerved too fast. Luther saw her start to lose control, spin sideways, then hit the concrete embankment, and skid down the hill and right into the river. “Oh, man,” said Luther. He looked behind him, but no one else was on the road, and nobody was coming the other way, so he slowed down as fast as he could without jackknifing and pulled his truck off to the side of the road. When he had come to a full stop, he grabbed the big heavy wrench he kept in the front seat for protection, jumped out, and ran toward the bridge as fast as he could.

  When he got there, he looked down into the river and saw the red car still barely afloat, bobbing up and down in the water, sinking fast. Thankfully, the car was still pretty close to the bank, so he slid the twenty or so feet down the riverbank and into the water. He then waded alongside the car and jumped in a few feet in front of it and managed to grab ahold of the door handle as the car floated by, twisting and turning.

  Just as he feared, she had all the windows rolled up, and he could see the lady inside was panicked and struggling to get out of her seatbelt. He had to fight hard to get it undone, because it was under water now, but after about ten tries, he was finally able to smash in the front window, reach in, and release the safety belt. Then with great effort, he got the door to open. He pulled the lady out of the car and pushed her upward as hard as he could. The last thing he saw were her two stocking feet swishing back and forth, headed up toward the surface. Thank God.

  Then as he and the car sank farther down toward the bottom, something suddenly occurred to Luther. “Oh, shit…I forgot. I don’t know how to swim.”

  When he was five, his daddy had thrown him into the lake, and he had almost drowned. He had been deathly afraid of water ever since.

  LUTHER GRIGGS

  1964–2011

  No greater love hath man

  than to lay down his life for another

  When Ruby’s husband, John Robinson, arrived at Still Meadows and was chatting with Elner, he said to her, “Did Luther tell you how he got here?”

  “He just said it had been an accident.”

  “What?” Then John called out, “Luther Griggs, why didn’t you tell Elner and everybody how you drowned saving a woman’s life?”

  Luther mumbled, “Oh, I don’t know. I guess I’m kinda embarrassed I didn’t know how to swim.”

  “Well, Luther, you don’t have a thing to be embarrassed about. You are a genuine hero. That lady you saved was the mother of three children,” said John. “Imagine that. He jumped in a river to save a complete stranger.”

  After Elner had heard the entire story, she said, “Well, I’m not the least bit surprised. I always knew Luther was a good boy, didn’t I, honey?”

  “Yes, ma’am. That’s what you always said.”

  —

  THE LADY LUTHER HAD saved did not forget it. She and her husband and children had driven to Elmwood Springs for his funeral. Her youngest girl, who had just turned six, even wrote him a letter and placed it on his grave.

  Dear Mr. Griggs,

  Thank you for saving my mommy. She is nice and is glad, too. I am sorry you got drownded.

  Love,

  Tracy

  It was a pretty Tuesday, and Dwayne Jr., stoned as usual, was wearing his “Wasting Away in Margaritaville” T-shirt and taking a break from home. His wife was at work, and the kids were at school. He had walked up to the cemetery with a cold six-pack. He flopped down on his mother’s grave, lit a joint, and popped open a cold beer. He looked down across the town and sighed. Now that his mother was dead, the place was such a drag. Tot had always been fun. Mean as hell, but fun. Why did she have to go and die on him? Man, if he hadn’t married all those women and had all these kids, he would just take off, head to Key West, and join the other Parrot Heads down in old Margaritaville. He nodded to himself. Yeah, things would be great if he could just get to Key West. Sitting around on the beach, drinking all day. No wife, no ex-wives, no kids to bug him. Man…he might even get to meet Jimmy Buffett. How cool would that be? One day, he would do it, too. If he ever got his driver’s license back. Oh, hell, he might even hitchhike, if he had to. One day, he just might take off and never come back. Man, how cool would that be? He popped open another beer. “Yeah, just how damn cool would that be?”

  After he left, Tot sighed and said to James, “Booze, the gift that just keeps on giving.”

  “Yep,” sighed James.

  —

  IT WAS LATER MORNING when everybody up at Still Meadows heard the shrill sounds of ambulances and police sirens come screaming through town, then screeching to a halt. “What had happened?” they wondered. They could tell the ambulance had stopped somewhere in town, but where? Who was hurt? Who was sick?

  Tot Whooten piped up. “I hope whoever is getting picked up and taken to the hospital knows how much it’s gonna cost them. When I got that needle-nose houndfish stuck in my leg down in Florida, they charged me over five thousand dollars for a six-block ride. I said, ‘Hell, I could have called a taxi and saved myself a fortune.’ After that, I told everybody, I said, ‘If you can get up and walk, do it, but whatever you do, don’t let them put you in a damn ambulance.’ ”

  —

  SADLY, THE PERSON FOR WHOM the ambulance had been called, out at the Swensen house, had been unable to walk.

  In any town, there are always some people who receive a lot of attention, and then there are those who live a quiet life without anyone even noticing.

  Norvaleen Whittle had always been a little chubby, just enough to keep the boys away and keep her from being a majorette or a cheerleader.

  Now thirty-seven, Norvaleen was a bookkeeper for several businesses in town and, thanks to the Internet, she was
able to work at home. Her parents had left her a nice little two-bedroom, one-bath house that she seldom left anymore, except to shop for food or go to the drugstore. Which was fine with her. She had a Yorkshire terrier mix named Mitzi, who was good company and paper-trained.

  Then one day, while she was shopping at Walmart, she suddenly noticed that when she walked, she was swaying from side to side like a great big ocean liner. It was the first time Norvaleen realized that she was a big, fat person. It had slowly crept up on her. Her feet were now too fat for her shoes, and she had not been able to wear her rings or watch for a long time. She should have noticed sooner.

  The problem was that Norvaleen had been in denial and also in McDonald’s, eating the cheeseburger special with fries. Evidently, the Diet Coke had not evened out the calories. What a shock. She had hit the muumuu and flip-flop stage and hadn’t seen it coming. Oh, she knew she was a little chubby, but today at her checkup, Dr. Halling had informed her that she had gone way past chubby. According to the fat vs. muscle machine in his office, she had shot straight into obese and was teetering on morbid obesity. He made her an appointment with a diet clinic before she left.

  As she drove home, she wondered what she had been thinking. What made her think she could eat like a teenager? That was the trouble. She hadn’t been thinking. She had been sitting in front of the television set for the past twenty-two years, eating snacks, and her life had become just one long snack from morning to night. And now she had to keep this appointment because if she didn’t, they would tell Dr. Halling.

  —

  THE DIET CLINIC WOMAN was extremely cheerful and encouraging. She told Norvaleen that there was a thin person inside her just waiting to jump out. But Norvaleen knew better. Inside her was a fat woman who didn’t have the energy to jump anywhere. Besides, what was the point? Nobody loved her. The one boy she’d loved had married someone else. Why do it? “Do it for yourself,” she’d said, but all Norvaleen had to look forward to was something good to eat, playing with Mitzi, and her television shows.