Promise Me Forever

by Sarah Ashley Jones

  “Hey…” I reached out to touch her face but she jerked her head to the side, away from my touch.

  “Don’t touch me.” My hand fell to the bed and I watched Charlie’s usually strong demeanor vanish. She was lost inside herself again. I was loosing her.

  I scooted closer to her side, only moving a few inches at a time until our bodies were barely touching. She again refused to look at me; staring down into her lap while her breathing remained uneven and ragged. I cocked my head to the side in an attempt to see her face through the veil of hair that fell over her.

  “Charlie,” I whispered, hoping she would look my way. “It’s going to be okay.”

  “It’s not going to be okay.” Her head snapped up and she looked straight into my eyes, but I didn’t recognize who I saw. “I’ve heard you and everyone else tell me that for weeks now. How many times do you think you have to say it to make it come true, Jhett?” She paused to wait for my answer, but I didn’t have one for her. “That’s what I thought.” Charlie’s voice cracked with what I assumed was her pending tears.

  “You’re not alone though, babe. You will never have to go through anything like this by yourself, so please don’t shut me out. I know how you feel.”

  She pushed herself up off the bed and stood up in front of me. A black Voodoo Kitchen t-shirt clung to her body, outlining her delicate frame. “You don’t know how I feel. You will never know how I feel.” Her words cut me right where it hurt. We stared at each other, each of us searching out answers in the other’s face. I knew her and I knew myself; neither one of us were about to back down.

  “You’re right. I won’t ever know exactly how you feel, but you’re not the only one who lost something that night, Charlie. It doesn’t matter if I only knew about the baby for one minute or one hour or one month – that baby was ours. I lost him too, and maybe you don’t think about how I might feel, but I would take back everything about that night if it meant things could be different.” I stood up, allowing a few feet of space between us. I told myself it was so she didn’t feel like I was crowding her, but really, I wasn’t sure how I was going to calm down with all the anger rising inside of me. “I didn’t know it then, but I wanted that baby more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I never thought about what it would be like to be someone’s father, but I do now. And I like that thought. I want that.” I finally let the truth come out, even though it made me sick to my stomach saying it out loud. Saying those words made everything final.

  Charlie took a staggered breath and shut her eyes, and I watched a single tear roll down her cheek. Nodding her head slowly, she let out an uncharacteristically dark laugh. “And it’s my fault you’re not going to be, isn’t it? Just say it, Jhett, because I already know. If I hadn’t been so upset and just left like a spoiled little girl throwing a temper tantrum then we wouldn’t be-”

  I cut her off before she could say anything else so far from the truth.

  “Wouldn’t be what? Still hurting? Still together? Tell me right now because I think no matter what happened that night, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. You said it yourself that everything happens for a reason.”

  “And what reason is there for all of this? What about the one for losing Cameron? What are those amazing reasons for two innocent souls being taken out of this world and from our lives? I shouldn’t have had to say goodbye to either of them.” She threw her hands up in the air and walked towards the bedroom door. “You know, I’m surprised you’re even still here, because everyone I love always ends up getting hurt somehow. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can leave so it’ll just be me again, like always.”

  I followed her out into the hall and with each step I took, my blood boiled dangerously hotter. I couldn’t listen to her anymore. I needed her to hear me - really hear me this time. Without any hesitation, I took her face in my hands and backed her up against the darkened hallway wall.

  “Look at me, Charlie. I will never leave you. As long as you want me around, I’ll be here. And even after you don’t want me around, I will still be there. You want to know why that is? Because I love you. I truly fucking love you. I would do anything for you, and the only thing I want to do right now is make you realize how amazing you are. You are the only woman I want to be with and because of that, I will spend the rest of my life trying to convince you how special you are to me. But you need to know that you will never, ever be alone as long as I have something to say about it.”

  Her blue eyes told me all I needed to know. She was done for. The tears fell without warning again and her legs buckled underneath her; sending her collapsing to the ground. I wrapped my arms around her before she could fall completely, and tucked her frail body against mine as I attempted to steady ourselves upright. My back hit the wall first, but as my adrenaline wore off, it was my turn for my legs to give out. We slid down the wall together; our bodies meeting in a crumpled heap of shattered emotions on the wooden floor beneath us.

  I wanted so badly to believe she was starting to get better, and that these episodes were becoming less frequent. But as I held her in my arms, realization hit me. There was no magical cure for Charlie. I couldn’t make her better. I couldn’t take her pain away. I could only hold her and hope I kept her from completely falling apart like she always did for me.

  A muffled sigh came from Charlie as she clung to my chest. I looked down at her and smoothed the wild hairs away from her face. It was the most vulnerable I had ever seen her, and strangely, also the most gorgeous. I ran my fingers down her delicate cheeks. She was a mess, but she was my beautiful mess. I loved her deeply and I refused to let her sink.

  She tilted her head back and her swollen, red eyes met mine. Her body still trembled beside me. “Hey.” I looked down at her with a smile. She answered by closing her eyes and tucking her head next to my neck. I pulled her closer, tracing circles over the soft skin on the inside of her arm. “We’re going to make it through this. I love you, Charlie. I always will.” I pressed my lips into the tangles of her unruly hair and lingered there for as long as she let me. She would have to fight me if she wanted me to let go.

  “I’m not okay, Jhett.” Her voice was raspy and strained. “I’m not okay…” she trailed off between shaky breaths.

  I reached down and brushed the back of my hand across her jaw; her face was hot and slick with residual tears. Charlie’s eyes closed slowly and opened again, as if every movement her body made was a struggle. I rested my lips on her forehead; trying to fight back my own tears from the pain I felt watching her break right before my eyes. After a few minutes I pulled back again; her sobs now a quiet, steady cry.

  “I’m so sorry, babe. I never wanted you to have to feel this way. You came into my life when it was so dark, and it was you that brought me out of the darkness, Charlie. Let me be that person for you. Let me love you,” I pleaded with her, remembering how it felt to be around her warmth when I was angry, and mad, and full of such guilt. There was pleasure to be found knowing that now it was my turn to be there for her.

  A heavy sigh escaped her. “I’ll try.” Her smile didn’t seem to fit with her red cheeks and swollen eyes, but the small glimmer of hope she wore made her appear less broken than a few minutes before.

  “You’re perfect for me, Charlotte Caroline Jennings.” She relaxed against my chest as I reached around and picked her up with little effort. She didn’t put up a fight or protest like I expected; instead she wrapped an arm around my neck, her casted yellow arm tucked against my chest, and leaned her head against my shoulder.

  Pushing myself up onto one knee, I stood up straight and carried Charlie back into our bedroom.

  My bare feet hit the floor and I twirled in circles around the room; the loose fabric that draped down my body swirling around my legs while I turned. There was no music, but I danced anyway. I couldn’t help myself. My emotions were supercharged and I couldn’t sit still for much longer. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught my reflection in the full length
mirror that sat in the corner of the room. I stopped to face it and smiled at the girl - no woman - staring back at me. My hair held its natural wavy texture as it flowed over my shoulders and down my front. I didn’t bother with my make-up much, because I wanted to look like me rather than some dolled-up unrecognizable version. It was the only way I could still feel comfortable in my own skin when everything else felt like I was playing dress up.

  Three loud bangs on the door made me jump.

  “Come in,” I shouted behind me.

  My arms swung freely at my side as I examined myself in the mirror. For the first time in six weeks, I was cast free. Lifting up my right arm, I extended it straight out in front of me and then bent my elbow, bringing it up close to my face. My nose wrinkled at its texture. The skin was waxy, almost scaly-looking, but it was my arm hair that made me cringe the most. Where there were usually soft blonde hairs, now lay flattened dark ones. It was not cute.

  I dropped my arm back to my side. My range of motion was still stiff, even after the doctor assured me it was completely normal to feel that way for the first day. Well, the day was almost half over and it still felt like I was the ungreased tin man.

  “So is this dress the winner for tonight?” Jhett’s warm hands ran down my bare arms, sending goosebumps over my body. The freshly exposed skin on my arm was ultra sensitive. “It’s very….sparkly.”

  I turned in his grasp to face him and frowned. “You don’t like it, do you?” Disappointment ran through me as I looked over his shoulder and sighed.

  “You’re ridiculous. You know I love everything you wear.” He leaned in close and pressed his lips to my neck. A distraction. He wasn’t going to get off the hook that easy.

  Pulling back, I turned to once again face the mirror. The dress may have been sparkly, but I loved it, and I figured that is what counts. The sleeveless top was gold and shiny, while the bottom half was cream colored and flowed to my ankles. I felt elegant and sophisticated, neither of which was possible to feel when you spent six weeks with a bulky yellow cast on your arm. I almost felt human again.

  Shrugging at my reflection, I spun in a circle and watched the cream fabric dance around me. “I like it.” My eyes focused on Jhett in the mirror as he perched himself on the edge of the bed; his attention zeroed in on my back. I cocked my head to the side. “Is that what you’re wearing tonight? You said we were getting dressed up, and I don’t think your grease-splattered jeans really fit that description.”

  “Hey now. You were the one who needed convincing about going to Riot Night tonight, not me. I’ll wear whatever I want to wear.” He leaned back on his hands, one eyebrow raised as he watched me. Jhett took pleasure in teasing me and I wasn’t about to let him win again.

  A mischievous smile crept over my lips as I ran to the bed and leapt up, jumping up and down behind him. I couldn’t help but let the feeling of pure bliss consume me. Jhett turned only enough to watch as I jumped in the sea of white sheets. I finally stilled and our eyes locked together as he shook his head from side to side. “What?” I threw my hands up in mock frustration.

  “You know what.” He stood up and crossed his arms as his lopsided smile returned, instantly making my stomach do flip-flops. I knew that smile. I’d seen it a few times and it was dangerous.

  “I’m not a mind reader, you know.” I fell down gracefully on the mattress and sat up on my knees just a few inches from the edge of the bed. I rested my hands on top of my thighs as he drew his black shirt up over his head and slipped on a long sleeve button down. He was perfectly aware of the silent torture he inflicted upon me as he slid the work jeans from his waist and down to his ankles. I bit my lip impatiently.

  Finally he spoke, his voice filled with the same mixture of awe and need as the first time he said those same words to me. “It’s amazing how good you look in my room.” He pulled a pair of dark jeans from the dresser and wiggled them over his hips. My heart pounded in my chest. “If you keep looking at me like that, we’re going to be late.”

  My fingers went to work behind me, unzipping the back of my dress as Jhett looked on. He wet his lips with his tongue. “I think it’s okay if we’re a little late…” The sparkling gold fabric fell off my shoulders and exposed my bare chest. “Just this once.”

  I saw the internal battle of wills Jhett fought in his eyes. They were dark and smoldering, but he didn’t move a single muscle in his body. I shuffled forward on my knees until I was face-to-face with Jhett, who stood at the edge of the bed. He remained unfazed, but continued to stare at me the way he always did when he couldn’t quite figure me out.

  I knew he was conflicted. Even though the doctor cleared me to engage in “physical activity,” I still refused to let Jhett get any further than second base. It wasn’t that I didn’t want it – it was actually the furthest thing from the truth - I just wasn’t ready for that kind of closeness or the emotions that came with it. Not after the accident. But I needed to move on, and in order to do that; I needed to stop being scared of feeling things again. I knew Jhett wouldn’t hurt me, so there was nothing to fear.

  Reaching out, I ran my fingertips up his temples and around his ears into his hair. He shut his eyes and let out a long breath through his nose as I continued to wind my fingers through the thick dark strands at the base of his neck. I studied him as his facial features tightened and relaxed while he tried to make up his warring mind. My lips met his, just barely, with only a feather light touch. Jhett’s hands remained stiff at his side.

  “It’s okay. I want this,” I whispered next to his ear, and planted another tender kiss on the sensitive skin of his neck. A shudder ran through his body. I was winning the battle.

  “You don’t know how badly I’ve wanted this too, but I can’t. Not after the other night…” He took a few steps backwards, almost like it pained him to be close to me. He was talking about the meltdown after my nightmare, or day terror, or whatever the technical term was. It scared him. Hell, it scared me too, but he was the one who made it all better in the end. So why couldn’t he give in and make this better for me, too?

  “Please….” I swung both legs over the end of the mattress and my dress fell to the floor in a wrinkled heap. Standing up, I closed the gap between us as I spoke. “I want to feel again, Jhett, and you do that for me. Trust me when I say this is not only what I want, but it’s also exactly what I need right now. So I’m only going to ask you once. Will you make love to me like you used to?”

  I stood my ground in front of him, completely exposed, my body begging for his touch. He answered me the best way he knew how – without words. Strong arms circled around my back and pulled my naked body hard against his. A breathless whimper slipped past my lips as his fingernails dug deep into my shoulders. Jhett kissed me like his world depended on it, without reservation and with a thirst for me that couldn’t be denied. And I kissed him back wholeheartedly; reliving every fiery moment between us that I missed so much.

  He skillfully led me backward until the backs of my knees hit the bed. I broke away from the kiss to run my hands up his chest, stopping at the top button on his new, clean shirt. Jhett’s breath was staggered as he watched my fingers effortlessly undo each button one at a time. My palms slid between his broad shoulders and his shirt, giving me a chance to admire the vibrant colors that decorated his body. With his shirt stuck at his elbows, I traced my fingertips over some of the black lines of his tattoos. They were so delicate and so strong, exactly the way I saw Jhett.

  He shook the rest of the shirt off of his arms by himself. As it fell to the floor, I looked up at him and waited. I didn’t know what I was waiting for - maybe for him to stop things, or maybe for me to shatter into a million little pieces, because that was exactly how I felt.

  Instead, he placed his hand on the middle of my back and guided me down onto the bed. I leaned down on my elbows first, before my back collided with the soft white bedding beneath me. Jhett hovered over my body, the rough denim of his jeans rubbing against
my exposed thighs. The warmth of his chest against my bare skin was almost too much to bear. Electricity crawled over every inch that he touched as the back of his hand ran down my cheek, his thumb brushing against my parted lips, and then down the center of my chest, my stomach, and to the last piece of fabric that kept me from being his completely.

  The familiar feeling of a thousand butterflies trying to fight their way from the pit of my stomach and up out of my throat returned with the tug that came from my waist. I lifted my head up and watched as Jhett hooked the edge of my panties with a single finger and expertly drug them down against my legs, until they swung freely on my right ankle. My head fell back when Jhett’s hands went to work removing the rest of his clothes.

  The world went black as I shut my eyes and tried to push away the lingering anxiety that swam through my veins. I wanted this. I wanted him. I wanted to be normal again. I wanted to feel anything but the urge to scream at the top of my lungs.

  Dear God, please just let him touch me and take the pain away.

  “Charlie?” A pair of brown eyes greeted me, inches above mine, and I was suddenly aware of the lack of space between his hard body and mine. I swallowed the lump in my throat. He wanted a response, but I didn’t have one. I could barely even think straight, let alone formulate a coherent sentence. “You can still say no, but please baby, just say something.”

  It was then, looking up into the eyes of the man who loved me even when I didn’t deserve it, did I realize what I was so scared of. I was scared of being happy. It was that simple. I thought that somehow, if I let myself move forward, it would mean I was okay with what happened. But I knew better than that. I knew you never became ‘okay’ with the bad things that happened to you in your life. You just became okay with not being okay, and eventually things started to get better all on their own.

  I placed my arms around Jhett’s shoulders and crossed them behind his head. My lips brushed against his ear; his black hair tickled my nose. “Yes. I want this. My answer will always be yes….” My voice was loud in the stillness between the two of us. I pulled myself to him and he entered me, and the fleeting feeling of being connected in every way to the person you love washed over me. “Don’t give up on me…I promise I’ll make it worth it.”