The Little Book of Flirting

by Stewart Ferris

  Legs

  If you're chatting someone up and you suddenly notice their legs are running away from you very fast, it's usually a hint that your flirting attempts are not appreciated. More helpful signs are legs outstretched in a relaxed manner (if sitting down), or standing 'at ease' with feet apart.

  Feet

  There is a theory that if someone points their toes at you, it means they fancy you. This is not the most scientifically sound theory ever made, since it would mean shoe shop assistants and chiropodists would all think they were the most desirable people on the planet. Still, check out the other person's toes and see which way they point. If you think they might believe in that kind of crap themselves, point your toes at them just to get them excited.

  If you're in an environment in which there's no music playing, a tapping toe indicates impatience. This could mean that you're talking too much about yourself and need to switch the attention back to the other person. If the latest dance hits are booming around you then the tapping toe could still mean impatience, however. The owner of the toe clearly would rather be dancing than talking to you. Ask them to dance and use it as a means of entering their personal space.

  Personal space

  In western society we have a concept of our own 'personal space'. Other cultures manage without setting up this imaginary force field around ourselves, but our restrained upbringings encourage a space of at least a couple feet between us and any strangers. That's why we don't sit next to people on trains or buses unless we have to. It's why we leave a little gap between ourselves and the people next to us in a queue. The concept of personal space is vital in determining how well your flirting is going down. Learn to recognise the way in which other people maintain their personal space when you talk to them. It's usually enough space to avoid any physical contact, even when moving, and should keep you sufficiently apart that you can't smell each other's breath. The process of flirting aims to break into that personal space, or rather to encourage the other person to invite you into it.

  Dancing

  The primitive mating ritual of dance goes all the way back to the days of disco. It's a means of simulating sexual moves, of demonstrating sexual suppleness and rhythm, and of proving that you're a hopeless dancer. Provided you can find the confidence to dance with some energy and enthusiasm, one-to-one dancing with a partner can be an excellent way of flirting without having to talk. Limited body contact is possible in most forms of dancing, but the best dance ever invented for flirts has to be the slow dance. This requires no more skill than the ability to hold on tightly to someone and shuffle your feet slowly whilst wondering whether or not to touch their bottoms. It's probably a better idea to caress non-sexual parts of their body if you're not sure how they'll react (or if their boyfriend/girlfriend is watching). Run your hands up their spine, up their neck and into their hair, gently bringing their face towards you until you wake up.

  Not recommended

  Some 'traditional' flirting techniques are no longer appropriate and won't win you any favours. Wolf whistles and bum pinching seemed to work well in Carry On films, but in reality they only worked on Barbara Windsor and these days a writ for sexual harassment is a more likely result than a smile and an 'ooh, cheeky!'. Saying 'blimey!' when a pretty girl comes into the room is just sad. Commenting on an impressive chest with 'I bet you don't get many of those to the pound' will get you into all sorts of trouble: you have to measure them in kilos these days.

  Chat-up lines

  For a full collection of chat-up lines, buy a copy of The Little Book of Chat-up Lines, published by Summersdale.

  Why use a chat-up line?

  The whole point of using a chat-up line is to break the ice with a stranger. Many chat-up lines sound corny or cheesy, or are downright rude, but that's because it's hard to start a conversation with someone you fancy without your intentions being obvious. If it's apparent that you're only talking to them on the off-chance of getting a shag, you might as well be up front about it and use a witty line. But it's better if you can be more subtle and approach someone for what appears to be a genuine reason, unconnected to your throbbing loins. These 'genuine' approaches are less likely to scare anyone off, although it may take you longer to steer the conversation towards sexual matters because you have initially gone off in the wrong direction. A direct chat-up line, on the other hand, will either give you a head start to where you want to go or will fail instantly (the latter being more common, sadly).

  10 most commonly-used chat-up lines

  Get your coat, you've pulled.

  You can use my phone to call your mum and tell her you're not coming home tonight.

  Do you come here often?

  If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

  What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?

  I didn't believe in love at first sight until I saw you.

  Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

  How would you like your eggs in the morning?

  Can I buy you a drink?

  I suppose a shag's out of the question?

  10 genuine-sounding chat-up lines

  I'm sure I know you from somewhere.

  Have you got the time?

  Do you have a light?

  Excuse me, I'm looking for the toilets.

  Didn't you go to my school?

  Can you give me a hand?

  Can I help you with that?

  Do you mind if I introduce myself?

  Is this seat taken?

  Hello.

  10 cheesy chat-up lines

  People tell me I've got a one track mind: shall we pull into the sidings and couple?

  Excuse me, I'm new around here. Can you give me directions to your bedroom?

  The best thing about you would have to be my arms.

  Congratulations! You've won first prize in a competition: a date with me!

  I love you.

  Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk past you again?

  Who stole the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes?

  Let me introduce myself: I'm your future husband.

  How did you get to be so beautiful?

  'Yes' is my favourite word. What's yours?

  10 sexy chat-up lines

  What winks and is great in bed? (wink)

  Nice legs. When do they open?

  I've got a condom with your name on it.

  I feel like I already know you because I've undressed you completely in my mind. Nice body - I'd like to see more.

  I'd like to lick your belly-button . . . from the inside.

  You make me feel like a squirrel. I'd like to pile my nuts up against you.

  How about I sit on your lap and we'll see what pops up?

  Do you fancy going halves on a bastard?

  Let's go skinny-dipping together.

  I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

  10 witty chat-up lines

  Hi, I'm a postman, so you can rely on me to deliver a large package.

  Hi, I'm a meteorologist, and I've been admiring your warm front.

  Hi, I'm here on a computer date, but the computer hasn't shown up.

  Hi, I'm a doctor: what's your appendix doing tonight? I'd love to take it out.

  I can read you like a book. I bet you're great between the covers.

  I'm like quick-drying cement: after I've been laid it doesn't take me long to get hard.

  Let's get something straight between us.

  Hi, I'm from Wonderbra. We're conducting free spot checks to make sure our customers are wearing the correct size bras. Just breathe out slowly once my hands are in place.

  Have you got any Irish in you? Would you like some?

  Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day.

  Flirting on the Internet and via e-mail

  Face-to-face flirting requires more courage than long distance communications, so many people find it easi
er to open their hearts and expose their emotions and desires using the written word. What was once the preserve of love letters has evolved into e-mails and Internet chat rooms. Chat rooms permit real-time written word dialogues with people in any part of the world. It's easy to flirt confidently with someone who can't see your face or hear your voice, and who probably never will. This makes the Internet an excellent medium for developing skills and experience of flirting.

  There are websites that are designed for flirting. They will send e-mail messages anonymously on your behalf, sometimes with an animated greetings card.

  Premium telephone services

  The services are unparalleled as a means of practising your chat-up technique with faceless strangers (except by getting a job as a randy nurse in a facial burns unit), but if you really want to flirt with a telephone then be ready to pay the price. Using the sort of dating or flirting telephone lines advertised on television and in magazines will help you to develop confidence, conversational skills and infeasibly high telephone bills. Remember you can save a lot of money simply by not dialing any numbers and flirting into the telephone regardless. Or call a freephone help line if you need to spend hours talking down the line to someone you don't know and just flirt with whoever answers the call. They're probably bored senseless by their job anyway. And if you absolutely must use the premium rate flirting services, please make sure you're not the person responsible for paying the bill (I never said this book was about morals).

  Dating agencies

  Whether through Internet introductions or real meetings, dating agencies offer a legitimate and fun way of getting to meet and flirt with other single people. It's usually an expensive process, but if you're starting again after a long relationship or a divorce and none of your friends are single it's a better way of meeting potential partners than by hanging out in bars on your own looking desperate. If you end up on a date with someone who doesn't float your boat, use it as a practice session that will give you greater confidence for the next time.

  For safety reasons always arrange to meet someone met via the Internet in a public place, and for lunch rather than for an evening meal. Never reveal your surname, home address or telephone number until you have met them and are sure you like them, unless you've always fancied the idea of having a stalker.

  Alcohol

  Flirting whilst drunk is both good and bad. It's good because it relaxes the body's muscles, including the brain, and a relaxed brain is less fearful. The less fear you feel the more confident you seem, and therefore the more attractive you become. The downside is that for many of us there is a fine line between drinking enough alcohol to create that confidence (or Dutch courage) and drinking a little too much so that you start to act like a bit of a twat. Once you become over-confident, slurring your words and swaying on your feet, the attractiveness diminishes to the point where you would have been better off staying sober and nervous.

  Drinks, even non-alcoholic ones, are also a useful prop to hide nerves. If you feel self-conscious in a social situation it can be hard to know what to do with your hands, and holding a cigarette or a glass has long played a useful role in that respect.

  Taking it to the edge

  The limits of flirting are different for everyone. Most of us feel uncomfortable just trying to maintain a pleasant conversation with a stranger and would not consider being too directly sexual or weird. Yet there are those whose flirting technique involves asking a stranger for a shag, or taking their clothes off unexpectedly, or putting on an act of pretending that they have been having a relationship with the stranger for years and seeing if the stranger plays along with it. There's no point in trying extreme methods to impress someone if you're not prepared to handle the extreme varieties of rejection that will almost certainly follow (and which might involve prosecution if you take things too far in the wrong context).

  As an example, the technique of approaching strangers and asking for a shag without so much as a word of introduction or even asking their names will generate many kinds of unpleasant rejections, but one or two times in a hundred it will generate a success. If you have the mental (and possibly physical) strength to handle a 98% rejection rate then good luck to you. But if you want to minimise the possibility and severity of rejections then play it safe and subtle.

  How far can you go with a stranger?

  By definition, not very far. As soon as you get intimate with a stranger, they cease to be a stranger. Daft question, when you think about it. Unless you're snogging someone you haven't been formally introduced to, in which case technically you are still strangers.

  When does flirting become cheating?

  Flirting makes us feel alive. It gives us confidence and it's fun to play the game of laying the foundations of a potential sexual relationship even if you don't intend actually to get physical with the other person. So if you're already in a relationship and you get flirting with someone you meet at a party, how far can you take it without actually being unfaithful? This kind of depends on your perspective. If your intention is to flirt verbally but not physically and for it not to go beyond mere saucy words, then few people would consider it to be unfaithful. If your intentions were more dishonourable, however, then any level of flirting, whether successful or not, could be considered unfaithful. On the other hand, if you don't get anywhere then who's to know whether you intended malice or not? In the end it's going to come down to an individual's (or a couple's) definition of what constitutes infidelity. This can range from verbal flirtation, through minor body contact, all the way to full sexual intercourse. Some don't even consider the latter to be a problem provided it happens only once. If you're in a relationship and would like to flirt with others, it's a good idea to agree on acceptable boundaries with your partner so that your conscience can remain clear.

  The worst that can happen.

  Try to put into perspective all the fears and worries that hold you back from flirting with someone. After all, what's the worst that can happen? Embarrassment, rejection, humiliation, physical violence, depression, and an overdose. OK, things can get pretty rough out there, but we all get knocked back occasionally and if you never try anything you'll never get anywhere. Making an initial approach to a stranger rarely results in anything worse than a polite rejection. So what? That's not going to stop you trying, is it? They don't know your name and they'll never see you again, so why let it worry you?

  Making someone want to flirt with you

  It's much easier to flirt with someone if they want to flirt with you. But how can this apparent miracle be achieved? What is it about some lucky people that make them attractive to others, whilst more unfortunate people only manage to repulse those whom they would like to shag? We always assume it's down to the way someone looks, which gives an unfair and unearned advantage to good looking people. But looks are only half of the package of ingredients that determine someone's attractiveness. The rest of the ingredients are inside the person. They consist of a person's characteristics, their outlook on life, their sense of humour, their confidence, their affability, their social skills, and their sense of self worth. All these things together are potentially capable of overcoming any physical shortcomings. Let's look at them in detail.

  Your internal characteristics

  Outlook on life

  How do you perceive your general temperament? Try to see yourself as someone else might see you. If you were in their shoes, would you want to befriend yourself, or would you frighten yourself away? Do you have an approach to life that is positive and which makes people warm to you, or are you mostly negative, cynical, complaining, uncharitable? Look at other people whose personalities you find attractive. What seems to be their outlook on life? They probably don't seem to take themselves seriously. They probably appear laid-back and carefree. Would you be more appealing if you emulated their approach?

  Sense of humour

  Most people rank a good sense of humour amongst the most attractive facets of a potential l
over. It's not necessary to be a stand-up comedian to qualify in this respect, merely to have the ability to laugh generously and also to laugh at yourself. If the other person makes a joke, be sure to laugh. We all find different types of humour funny, and it's easy to feel an intellectual connection to someone who laughs at the same jokes that we do.

  Confidence

  Of all the internal and external characteristics that make up an individual, confidence is the most important when it comes to flirting. It's virtually true to say that confidence equals attractiveness. This is problematic because very few people actually feel confident outside of their home environment. Fear is a real factor that limits the things we do and the things we say: fear of embarrassment, ridicule, punishment or humiliation, and even fear of simply sticking our heads above the parapet and getting noticed. It is this fear that makes most people dress conservatively (and makes them dress at all). Fear stops us saying what we are really thinking and from doing what we would prefer to be doing. In the context of flirting, fear causes a number of problems which can only be overcome with confidence.