Nell Gwynn

by Jessica Swale

  She kisses him.

  NELL. You’ve got too much in your head. You haven’t slept. Hey, I’ve got a game’ll cheer you up.

  CHARLES. Hunt the royal sausage?

  NELL. Not after where you hid it last time.

  CHARLES. It was dark.

  NELL. Let’s play ‘Guess the Mistress’.

  CHARLES. Nell, shouldn’t you be at the theatre?

  NELL. Oh, come on, you love it when I dress up.

  CHARLES. I love it when you undress.

  CHARLES chases NELL offstage, laughing.

  ROSE enters with her mother, OLD MA GWYNN, who is smokine a pipe, accompanied by WILLIAM, the servant.

  WILLIAM. Ah. She was here, madam.

  ROSE. Well, can you fetch her? It’s important.

  WILLIAM. Ma’am. (Exits.)

  MA GWYNN. Would you look at that! (About the room.) It’s as pretty as a petticoat. I have never seen such a very big pillar in all my life.

  ROSE. Mother, don’t touch.

  MA GWYNN. It’s here. The spirit of Madame Geneva. I can smell it. Now if I was a gin jar, where would I think I’d be?

  WILLIAM returns with NELL, who is flustered. He exits.

  NELL. Mother.

  MA GWYNN. My Nelly! Look at you, you little blue blood. Let me have a proper look. My squirrel, who’d have thought it, eh? My little Nell, all in silk.

  NELL. Ma.

  MA GWYNN. You are like a jewel my girl. Your hair. Is that a wiggle on your head?

  NELL. A wig. No, it’s just been curled. My girl does it for me.

  MA GWYNN. You have a girl? Well, I never. My girl has a girl! I hardly recognise you.

  NELL. You didn’t tell me you were coming.

  MA GWYNN. I’m your mother, I don’t need an appointment.

  NELL. I was with the King. You really ought to –

  ROSE. We haven’t seen you for months –

  NELL. I’m sorry. But I am meant to be at rehearsals.

  MA GWYNN. ’S all right, we’ll dally here till you get back, my duck. Just get me a drop of gin. (Goes off in search of the gin.) A spirit for me spirits, a tipple for me tickle.

  NELL pulls ROSE to one side to talk to her out of earshot.

  NELL. Did anyone see you come?

  ROSE. Why?

  NELL. You can’t just turn up here. This is Court.

  ROSE. Are you embarrassed by us?

  NELL. No.

  ROSE. I hope not.

  NELL. Of course I’m not, but you can’t just tramp in like –

  MA GWYNN (arriving back in the conversation unexpectedly). Like what? Like a madam from the brothel?

  NELL. Yes, like a madam from the brothel.

  MA GWYNN. Charming.

  NELL. Ma, I’ve sent you coins!

  MA GWYNN. Oh, how kind of you to remember us in your alms for the poor.

  NELL. You’re not even grateful! Why won’t you let me help you? I’ve paid your way out.

  MA GWYNN. You think I ought to give it up?

  NELL. Of course I do. It’s an embarrassment.

  MA GWYNN. An embarrassment? Nelly. I built that house from nothing, from sot and spit. And it pays my way. And all without a fella. Who else can say that, Nelly? Not you.

  NELL. If you knew how they judge me –

  ROSE. How they judge you?!

  NELL. I’ve made my name –

  MA GWYNN. As what? You’re no different from the rest of my girls, only you charge more for your oyster.

  NELL. I have an allowance for support – it’s not the same.

  MA GWYNN. ‘It’s not the same’?!

  NELL. It isn’t!

  MA GWYNN. You’re right, it’s not. Cos my girls aren’t ashamed of who they are. They tell the truth. They don’t try and scrape it away like a scab on the skin, paint over it with all your fine unctions and paste. It’ll crack, Nell. By God, I’d rather you’re a slattern than a liar who denies her own kind. You ain’t changed, my girl. You ain’t no better than us. You’re just a more expensive whore.

  NELL. Why did you come here? If I’m such a disappointment.

  MA GWYNN. Oh, you’re not. I’m proud of you. It lights up my heart when I think of what you’ve done. It’s just who you are that I can’t bear.

  OLD MA GWYNN leaves, followed by ROSE.

  NELL. Rose, please!

  ROSE. I’ve asked you again and again to come home. And you haven’t! What could I do but bring her here?

  NELL. What can I do? I have responsibilities! I’ve sent you coins.

  ROSE. She’s steeped in it. And I can’t cope. Not on my own. You have to help me.

  NELL. She doesn’t deserve it.

  ROSE. She’s your mother.

  NELL. And what’s she done for me?

  ROSE. You owe her everything.

  NELL. I owe her nothing. Everything I’ve done’s in spite of her.

  ROSE. Your pluck to get on the boards. Where d’you get that? The way you talk to a man and wind him in. Your cheek and quip. She taught you how to sell. To scrap. To make your way. And now she’s drowning in it. And you can hardly look at her. Please, Nelly.

  NELL. I’ll come home.

  ROSE. You will? You promise.

  NELL. Yes.

  ROSE. Nelly.

  NELL. Yes – I do.

  ROSE. When?

  NELL. Soon –

  ROSE. When?

  NELL. Tomorrow. I’ll come tomorrow.

  ROSE looks at her. Exeunt.

  Scene Two

  Emergency Meeting

  Later the same day. All the COMPANY are assembled. NELL is late.

  KILLIGREW. We’re facing a crisis.

  NED. What crisis?

  NANCY. The Duke’s are opening a new playhouse.

  KYNASTON. What?!

  HART. Where?

  NANCY. At Whitefriars!

  NED. But they’ll close us down!

  KILLIGREW. Thank you for stating the obvious, Ned. We need a plan. A hit. And we need to sell out. And there’s only one way to guarantee a sell-out.

  HART. Nell.

  KYNASTON. Just for a change.

  KILLIGREW. She sells tickets, Edward. So I’ve trawled theatrical history, from the classics to the long forgotten, in search of a play with a brilliant female lead.

  NANCY. And what have you found?

  KILLIGREW. Nothing.

  NED. Nothing?

  NANCY. Not one single play, out of every play that’s ever been written?

  KILLIGREW. No. Oh they’re all splendid works, epic adventures, but not one has a half-decent lead for a lady. There’s nothing for it, we’ll have to revive The Enchanted Island.

  HART. But we already revived it – twice!

  KILLIGREW. And they loved her in it.

  HART. Killigrew, please – it’s just lobsters and fish jokes and Ned mincing about as a mermaid.

  NED. Hey!

  KILLIGREW. But it sells! I hate to remind you ‘artistes’, but I am trying to run a business here. The Duke’s don’t open for a fortnight and already they’re selling out!

  NED. What are they doing?

  KILLIGREW. King Lear – the comedy.

  DRYDEN. King Lear isn’t funny.

  KILLIGREW. It is now. No one dies and it’s got a happy ending. We must compete or we’ll go under. It’s either that, or Dryden writes a new play.

  DRYDEN. But I’ve dried up.

  KILLIGREW. Just write anything – as long as Nell’s in it.

  NANCY. She’s the heroine, write her a lover’s part.

  NED. She’s funny, write her a comic part.

  DRYDEN. Does anyone care what I want to write?

  ALL. No!

  KILLIGREW. People want jokes.

  DRYDEN. But I’ve used them all up. It’s not easy being a massive success. The weight of expectation on my shoulders… I’m like Atlas.

  KILLIGREW. Oh, for God’s sake.

  DRYDEN. Unless… Wait! I’ve got it!

  KILLIGREW. It’s about a
woman?

  DRYDEN. Yes. Yes it is. We’re in Denmark. There’s a Prince – ess.

  KILLIGREW. Dryden!

  DRYDEN. Oh! Or how about… ‘Juliet’!

  NANCY. What, on her own?

  DRYDEN. Why not?

  KILLIGREW. It might be a bit thin in terms of story arc. Girl meets no one, nothing happens!

  DRYDEN. All right, all right. How about… this! There’s a rich girl. And she’s betrothed to a heartless nobleman. Then one day, she meets a pauper. And they fall wildly in love.

  NED. Ooh. Where?

  DRYDEN. On a journey. On horseback.

  KILLIGREW. No more animals. Not after what happened with the snakes.

  DRYDEN. All right… on a galleon.

  ALL. Ooh… Yes!

  DRYDEN. Sailing across the Atlantic. And then, out of nowhere… there’s a giant trout!

  Pause.

  Or – a rock!

  NANCY. Why would there be a rock?

  DRYDEN. Wait! An iceberg!

  ALL. Ooh!

  DRYDEN. And the galleon hits the iceberg, and splits in twain, and the pauper boy drowns!

  Beat.

  NANCY. That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard.

  KILLIGREW. No tragedy. No drowning. We need drama. They want battles, swords and shields, and Nell.

  KYNASTON. How’s that going to work?

  KILLIGREW. I don’t know! All I know is the more she’s in it, and the more we see of her… wait! Lady Godiva!

  HART. Lady Godiva?

  NELL (arriving). Lady who?

  DRYDEN. There you are.

  KILLIGREW. You’re late.

  KYNASTON. Again.

  NELL. It’s mayhem out there. The French have arrived and they’re all driving on the wrong side of the cobbles.

  KILLIGREW. You were meant to be here at noon.

  NELL. I’m sorry.

  HART. We’ve heard that before.

  NELL looks at HART and decides to ignore him.

  NELL. I heard about the Duke’s. What’ll we do?

  KILLIGREW. Survive – with our brand new hit.

  DRYDEN. Nell, how would you like to play the boldest beacon in English history?

  NELL. Who? Queen Elizabeth?

  DRYDEN. No… Lady Godiva!

  NELL. Who?

  DRYDEN. She was a warrior.

  KILLIGREW. A heroine. The most valiant woman to ride on English soil.

  NELL. Perfect. So who was she?

  They all look at each other.

  Come on, what did she fight for?

  KILLIGREW. Well… she… she fought for…

  DRYDEN.…things, against…

  KILLIGREW.…people.

  DRYDEN. She is ever so important.

  NELL. Who’d she fight?

  KILLIGREW. Dryden?

  DRYDEN. I don’t quite remember.

  KILLIGREW. Nor I. It didn’t seem to feature much in the story.

  NELL. And what is the story? She’s got to be famous for something.

  KILLIGREW. Well, because…

  DRYDEN. Because…

  NANCY. Because she got her tits out. She’s famous for getting her tits out.

  NED. In Coventry.

  NELL. And that’s it, is it?

  Silence. NELL is mortified.

  Thank you very much.

  DRYDEN. Nell, don’t be like that.

  NELL. Like what? All you know is that she showed her chest. And that’s enough to build a play on, is it?

  KYNASTON. You’d be surprised.

  DRYDEN. Please, Nell.

  NELL. No.

  KILLIGREW. We need you.

  NELL. No.

  NED. But you’re Nell Gwynn!

  DRYDEN. And they love what you do.

  HART. It’s not what she does, it’s who she does.

  Pause.

  NELL. Sorry?

  HART. That’s why they come.

  Everyone looks at him.

  What? Everyone knows it. It’s just none of you have the groats to say it. They don’t give two figs about your performance. They just want to see the King’s mistress.

  NELL. That’s not true. (Pause.) Dryden?

  DRYDEN. Definitely not. I mean, a bit.

  NELL. Ned?

  NED looks away.

  Thomas?

  KILLIGREW. It’s not just that, of course.

  DRYDEN. We need you. Please?

  NELL. No.

  CHARLES arrives with a veiled woman, LOUISE DE KEROUALLE, with a parasol, accompanied by a royal ATTENDANT. The rest of the COMPANY sees, except NELL and KILLIGREW.

  NANCY. Nell!

  NELL. No.

  NED. Nell!

  NELL. I said no. (From their looks.) What?

  NELL turns round and sees CHARLES, who is standing behind KILLIGREW.

  Oh.

  KILLIGREW (spinning round to see CHARLES). Jesus Christ!

  CHARLES. Close enough. This is Madame de Keroualle. She is my guest.

  LOUISE DE KEROUALLE lifts her veil. NELL is horrified to see the beauty underneath.

  NELL. Oh.

  LOUISE. Bonjour.

  NELL. How do you do?

  CHARLES. She doesn’t speak English.

  NELL. Well, that’s convenient.

  CHARLES. I’m just showing her around. She asked to see my theatre. Louise, je te présente Eleanor Gwynn. [Louise, this lady is Eleanor Gwynn.]

  LOUISE. Enchantée. [Thrilled.]

  NELL. Yep.

  CHARLES. Nell is the darling of the English stage, la belle dame du théâtre anglais.

  LOUISE. Elle est comédienne? [She is an actress?]

  CHARLES. La meilleure. [The best.]

  LOUISE. Ah, c’est différent en Angleterre. En France, toutes les comédiennes sont des prostituées. [Oh, it’s different in England. In France, all the actresses are prostitutes.]

  NELL. Excuse me?

  LOUISE. Charlie, je voudrais bien venir un spectacle avec toi. [Charlie, I would really like to come and see the play with you.]

  CHARLES. Bien sûr! Je voudrais bien venir unspectacle… avec toi. [Of course.] She’d like to come to a play. We’ll come on Saturday.

  KILLIGREW. Sir, that would be marvellous.

  NELL looks at KILLIGREW with incredulity.

  LOUISE. Je me ferai faire un chapeau tout spécialement. Je vais commander un tissu de Paris. Je serai magnifique. [I will have a hat made especially. I will order fabric from Paris. I will be splendid.]

  CHARLES. But first I might show her the Shires. Oxford perhaps. I might take her for a punt.

  NELL. I took her for a punt as soon as I set eyes on her.

  CHARLES (pulling her to one side). Nell, it’s just ‘international relations’. You know the arrangement.

  NELL. You brought her here?

  A stand-off.

  I thought you were leaving for Oxford.

  CHARLES. I was hoping you would come.

  NELL. You were?

  CHARLES. We’ll overnight at Windsor and be back on Wednesday.

  HART. But we have to rehearse, sir.

  CHARLES. Ah. Then next time.

  NELL. No! I’ll come.

  DRYDEN. But my play!

  CHARLES. She doesn’t need to practise. She’s a natural.

  LOUISE sneezes.

  À tes souhaits. [Bless you.]

  NELL. What’s wrong with her?

  CHARLES. She has a delicate constitution.

  NELL. So do we, Charles. I assumed that’s why she’s here.

  CHARLES. Nell…

  Pause. Awkward.

  LOUISE. Charlie! On y va! [Charlie! Let’s go!]

  CHARLES. I’ll send a carriage for you. I hope you will behave. (To all.) Good day.

  CHARLES and LOUISE exit. A pause.

  HART. Tell me you’re not going to allow this.

  KILLIGREW. Not now, Mr Hart.

  HART. Not now?! She can’t just swan up at the prologue. We have to rehearse – together. We’re supposed to be a compa
ny.

  KYNASTON. We always used to be.

  KILLIGREW. He’s the King. What could I say?

  HART. She chose him!

  NANCY. She doesn’t have a choice.

  HART. She could have said no.

  DRYDEN. What about my play?

  KILLIGREW. I don’t know?! I don’t know! We don’t even have a plan, if Lady Godiva’s been vetoed –

  NELL. I’ll do it.

  KILLIGREW. What?

  NELL. I’ll play her.

  NANCY. You can’t!

  NELL. I’ll do it.

  NANCY. She’s a tart – on a horse!

  NELL. I’m an actress, Nan. It’s what I do. I’ll play the part. I need some air.

  NANCY. Allow the lady some room. Now!

  DRYDEN (going). Thanks, Nell!

  The COMPANY exits at pace. NANCY, realising the problem, brings a bucket. NELL almost throws up in it.

  NANCY. How long have you known?

  NELL. A month. Maybe more.

  NANCY. Why didn’t you tell me?

  NELL. I hoped I could wish it away. I’ve seen what happens, you’re fresh and spruce and he can’t keep away, but once a baby comes…

  NANCY. You’re different, he said.

  NELL. He brought her here, Nan! To the playhouse.

  Pause.

  NANCY. It might not mean..

  NELL. You saw how he looked at her.

  NANCY. I don’t know.

  NELL. Nancy.

  NANCY doesn’t say anything. She knows. LOUISE reappears.

  LOUISE. Pardon. J’ai oublié mon parasol. Vous l’avez vu? (Pause.) Non? Imbéciles. [Sorry, I forgot my parasol. Have you seen it? No? Imbeciles.]

  NELL and NANCY say nothing. LOUISE looks round the theatre with distaste.

  NELL. Must be hard for her, not knowing what they’re saying behind her back – about her spying and her whoring. I almost feel sorry for her.

  LOUISE. I do not need your sympathy.

  NELL (caught out). Oh.

  LOUISE. But I have learnt the English. In case I am asked to stay here. In London.

  NELL. And how do you like London?

  LOUISE. I don’t.

  NELL. Then go home.

  LOUISE. It’s impossible. It would not please to the King.

  NELL. And you know how to please him, do you?