Guarded Heart

by C. A. Harms

  After taking a deep breath he spoke again, “Baby I…” I had to cut him off “Don’t you dare call me baby. I used to think that was a sweet term of endearment but after I walk in my own home to find you fucking Heather and hearing you call her…Baby…don’t you dare call me that again.” I was glaring at him with such hate. I felt like I should punch him or spit on him throw something at him. Anything but I just stood there staring with anger. “…I am so sorry this happened. I’m sorry I hurt you. I love you Sam so much and I screwed up. I know I did…I wish I could change it but I can’t. I will regret it for the rest of my life. Samantha I want to fix this please…let me fix this.” I could not believe what I was hearing. Did he honestly think that he would show up here and say a few apologies and I could just get over it. “You know what Tony this has to be a joke. Do you not realize how much you have hurt me? You didn’t just forget an anniversary or get drunk and kiss some girl Tony…you repeatedly had sex with my cousin for the last month. While I was planning our wedding you were fucking around behind my back. I mean were you just going to marry me and still keep screwing Heather?” He was shaking his head back and forth. “No, no it was over I told her I couldn’t do it anymore and then one thing led to another and…” I laughed out loud, “What…let me guess you just tripped and impaled her with you dick…oh and she just happened to be laying there with her legs open to securely wrap them around your waist…ya and the fact that you were moaning in pleasure was you telling her it was over…did I get it all right?” I was now standing upright as tears ran down my cheeks. He brought his hands up to rest them at my waist trying to pull me closer and I jerked away. “Don’t fucking touch me you asshole. We are done…over. Get your shit and get out of my life.” I turned quickly and opened the door I heard him say from behind me that he will not stop loving me and that he was going to fix this. I ignored his plea and closed then locked the door behind me.

  Five

  I found my way to the bedroom and crawled up onto the bed curling into a ball and crying all over again as if it just happened. I felt the bed give a little from behind me as Allison found her way onto the bed with me. She lightly rubbed my back and told me how sorry she was that this happened to me. Allison ended up spending the night with me which was great but it made me feel guilty for taking her from her life with Mitch.

  I woke up to Allison cleaning my kitchen from my drinking binge last night. “Hey Sunshine, how’s the head?” I scrunched up my nose “Shh…not so loud please.” I had called my boss last night and explained what had happened she so kindly told me to take some time before coming back and I already had taken two week vacation after the wedding so I guess I get three weeks off to get myself pulled together.

  Alli insisted on sticking around with me all day and I finally convinced her that it was okay, that I was okay and I just wanted to go back to bed. I just needed a long hot shower and a bed. My mother tried calling and the last thing I wanted to do was hear her tell me what I did wrong. My mother was a spoiled brat after my father passed away when I was three she found herself a rich new husband that supports her spending habits and regardless of what he does or should I say who he does she just turns the other cheek and goes shopping. Judgmental of my every move is how I would explain my mother. No matter what I did she always told me how I could do it better. After she had tried to call me at least seven times she finally left a voicemail, ‘Samantha it is your mother, call me or I will be forced to drive over to your home and shake you silly for throwing Tony out of his home. He messed up dear you owe it to him to allow him to explain. He just wants to make it right. You are acting like a child.” Argh I just wanted to scream how dare her act as if this is okay. She may allow her husband to bang every female who walks within five feet of him and choose to pretend it didn’t happen but I refused to live that life. I would not allow her to make me feel guilty about throwing Tony out. He did this not me!

  I chose to just go to bed even if she did show up here I could just ignore her and she would eventually leave. No one else had a key now but Allison and she hates my mother. I found myself wondering how I would let everyone know that the wedding was off. How could I do this and save face? My mind was racing and the anxiety of the entire situation was setting in.

  I woke to the doorbell and knew it was probably the wicked witch herself coming to shake her finger at me in disgust. Slowly easing my way down the hall after crawling out of bed to find a Florist delivery van in the drive I opened the door slowly. “Can I help you?” The young guy looked up at me I was sure I looked a mess, “Yes I have a delivery here for Samantha Riggins…would that be you?” I rolled my eyes knowing exactly at that moment Tony had sent them they were my favorite, yellow and pink roses. “Well that depends are they from a guy named Tony?” The Young guy looked at me and shrugged his shoulders, “I’m not sure ma’am the delivery conformation doesn’t disclosed that…just tells me where to deliver.” I felt a little sorry for hassling him he appeared a little nervous. After I signed for the flowers he handed them to me and made his way back to his van.

  I sat the flowers on the kitchen counter and grabbed the card after taking a deep breath I opened it…

  ‘Sam, I am sorry I hurt you. She means nothing. Please forgive me I love you.’

  Six

  I knew I had a point to make so after I got myself cleaned up and presentable I grabbed the vase and my keys to take a little road trip. There was one little bitch that I still needed to handle. Pulling up into the apartment complex my heart jumped when I looked ahead to see no other than my ex fiancé’s truck parked next to Heather’s car. After taking a few deep breaths I grabbed the flowers and got out.

  I knocked lightly but stood off to the side so Heather could not look through the peephole. I heard some shuffling around and could only imagine what exactly I was interrupting. The stunned look on Heather’s face was great but looking passed her to see Tony adjusting his pants and then raising his eyes up to meet mine was even better. I just smiled, “Oh wow, I am so sorry am I interrupting…I just wanted to deliver these personally seems they were delivered to my house by mistake.” I handed the flowers off to Heather as she continued to stare at me saying nothing. “Have a great night.” I turned and left…I could hear her screaming at him as I walked out. I had almost reached my car when I heard Tony. “Sam wait…” I stopped and turned to face him. “Sorry if I pissed your girlfriend off Tony she’s a skanky slut though I am sure if you apologize enough she’ll still suck your dick so you’re safe.” I reached for the handle opening the door and then I paused. I wasn’t sure why I even cared but I couldn’t help but ask, “Can you just tell me why? I mean I thought things were great between us. I wasted all this time on you and in the end…why?”

  He stood two feet front me looking tired and defeated. “I wish I could tell you Sam. I know that I love you. I know that you did nothing wrong. I wasn’t unhappy with you. You have always made me feel needed and wanted. I can’t make excuses because no matter what none of them are good enough reason for hurting you. If I could go back I would…I still love you so much and I know I probably always will.” I still had no answer as to why he took what we spend years building and threw it away like it was nothing. “Was there ever anyone else besides Heather…was she the only one?” By the look on his face I could already see what the answer was before he spoke, “I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have.” He ran his hand through his hair and looked at the ground. “Just tell me Tony I deserve to know the truth.” He turned his back and placed both hands laced together behind his head pausing for minute before turning to face me. “Last year when I went to Michigan for the conference I met a girl in the hotel bar…and then the secretary at the office at the last Christmas party.” I couldn’t look at him I felt like I was going to pass out. I had to get out of there and fast, “I need you to get the rest of your things out of the house by the end of this weekend. Call before you come over.” I got into my car and backed out leaving
him standing in the parking lot of Heather’s apartment.

  I drove to Allison’s house and I couldn’t get out of the car. I had cried the entire fifteen minutes it took to drive across town and now I was frozen. Everything I thought I had was a joke. I was an idiot a blind stupid girl who thought Tony was the man of my dreams and that I would always be safe with. How could I be so blind to him? How did I not know he was cheating all this time? I shut my car off and stared ahead at nothing as I continued to cry. A little tap on the window startled me from the side. Mitch was slouched down next to my car and there was a guy standing next to him I had not seen before. Mitch reached for the door handle opening the door and I fell into him as he wrapped me up in his arms and carried me into his home.

  “What happened? Is she okay?” Allison quickly dropped what she was doing to come straight over as Mitch lowered me onto the couch. “Hey Babe, I’m going to run Wes home and give you two a little time to talk.” He told Allison before he and his friend left.

  Alli had went into the kitchen and brought back a box of Kleenex putting them onto the couch between us. “Thanks. I feel like such an idiot.” Grabbing a tissue I blew my noes before continuing. “He sent flowers and to be a bitch I delivered them to Heather with the card that he had written about her being a mistake. I guess I just wanted her to know that she really wasn’t anything special. He was there and from the looks of it I once again interrupted their fuck-fest…” I paused to blow my nose. “Can you believe that she wasn’t the first person, hell she wasn’t even the second. He has been cheating for over a year. I am just lost…I don’t know why this happened.” Allison tucked my hair that had fallen in my face behind my ear, “You know what Sam…you were always too good for him. I love you honey but you were and you know it. You don’t deserve this heartache. He is not worthy of your tears. I think that you need to go on your trip next week and get away for a while. You paid for it…the insurance…cancel his and get your money back then go relax…and take care of you. You need a break and you’re not going to get it here. I’ll make sure he gets the rest of his things out and then when you get back you can start over. I am not saying it’s going to be easy but sweetheart you deserve a new start.”

  Seven

  Arriving on flight 248 in Montego Bay, Jamaica it took a lot of persuasion to get me here but now that I was I made a promise to myself. I was going to say goodbye to that lying cheating bastard because I had to move forward no matter what. There was absolutely no way in hell I would ever take him back so why waste any more time on his sorry ass.

  I took a photo of the front of my hotel and forwarded a message onto Allison letting her know I had arrived. ‘Now get drunk and get tan! That is an order!’ That was the response I received from my best friend. So following orders I did just that. I spent the next five days on the beach and by the pool. I ordered drinks and ate exotic foods. I got a massage and even took a few long strolls on the beach. I tried to not think much of Tony it was getting a little easier to keep my mind away from him because I would constantly remind myself of exactly what got us to our current status. He can’t keep his dick in his pants apparently. No matter how much I loved him I could never forget what he did or forgive him. He would now be a part of my past and I would close that chapter.

  When I arrived back home from my vacation Allison picked me up from the airport. “Damn Hot stuff…look at you! All tan and sexy! Did you change your hair?” I took a spin to show her my hair I had it layered and had red highlights added throughout my brown. I had long layered bangs that lie perfectly across my forehead and swooped in place behind my ear. “Do you like?” I winked at her and picked my bag back up as she stepped forward and reached out to run her hands through my hair. “Like…oh darling I love…” She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed. “I missed ya babe. You look Beautiful!” A tear ran down her cheek and she quickly swiped it away before spinning toward the exit and to her car.

  Over the next week I decided to take the money I had from the reimbursement of Tony’s part of the trip and do some redecorating. I painted and got some new bedding, throw pillows and some pictures for the walls. I needed to change it up a bit and make it feel different there. I had to erase the memory of Tony as much as possible. I had done a great job avoiding my mother and I hoped to keep it that way. She wanted to blame me for Tony’s inability to be faithful and I refused to go down that road with her.

  On Sunday the night before I had to go back to work I decided to make a quick run to the store and grab what I would need for the week. I was finished shopping and went through the nearest checkout without paying much attention I hadn’t looked in front of me. I suddenly felt as if someone was staring and when I looked up I was faced with Heather. She seemed scared to move I just turned my head toward the cashier who was now ringing up Heather’s items and as she reached for the last box on the belt I felt bile rise in my throat causing a burn. It seemed to jump out in 3D as the cashier scanned the First Response pregnancy test and then placed it into the bag. I refused to look back at Heather I just stayed facing the cashier until I saw her give back the changed and say thank you. I forced my body to keep moving I had to get out of here. I found my way to my car and loaded everything almost robotic. I knew this was going to be hard. Heather…pregnant with Tony’s baby was just another step in the wrong direction for me.

  I decided to try and push it the furthest from my mind and relaxed in the tub with a glass of wine and a good book.

  Eight

  I threw myself into work over the next couple months I took on every possible patient I could. I volunteered for everything I could, even took on any shift that needed to be covered due to emergencies or illness by other therapist. I wanted to stay busy and it was working I was now entering month four without Tony and it felt easier with each passing day. I managed to avoid both him and Heather. I am sure it was because I never went anywhere besides work and the gym. I became a hermit and it seemed to be working.

  My phone rang from the next room. I hurried to quickly start the washer before darting off to the kitchen to grab it before it went to voicemail. “Hello” I sighed without even paying attention to who it was on caller ID. “Okay Hoochie get your ass in gear NOW! We are going out…Mitch and I will be there to pick you up in an hour. Wear something sexy and don’t argue…Bye baby doll!” Allison didn’t give me a chance to argue. I tried calling her back but of course she would not answer. I knew she would be super pissed if I refused to go along with her plan to get me out of the house.

  To humor my life long pal I jumped in the shower and quickly washed my hair. How was I supposed to know what to wear when I had no idea where we were going? I decided to try to send a quick text hoping for a response once she realized I was no longer trying to get out of going out.

  Okay Brat…what do I wear?

  Something Sexy now hurry! Alli

  Wow that helps what are we doing…Jeans? Skirt? Dress? What…HELP!

  Dancing! No dress preferably something tight and revealing! Alli

  I had a strong feeling she was leaving a very important piece out of the puzzle. Dancing would not require me to look sexy unless she was pushing some guy on me. I may have to hurt my best friend. I went for Black skinny jeans and a tight red off the shoulder top with hoop earrings and my hair down. I was just finishing up the final touches on my makeup when the doorbell rang followed by Allison walking in after using her key. “You ready hot stuff?” I walked out of the bathroom, “How do I look?” She turned to face me and a big smile stretch across her face… “Damn Girl…Oh yeah you look fucking hot!” We both laughed and I followed her out to the car. Climbing into the backseat I hollered to Mitch, “Okay Mitchell your wife is refusing to tell me what is truly going on so will you please fill me in on what she is up to Please!” He backed out of the driveway and after placing the car in drive stated very seriously, “Listen Sam I luv yah but I don’t cross my wife because when I do I know there is no way I am getting lucky and tonight I
have every intention of getting me some so you are on your own.” He smiled at Alli and then stepped on the gas. She turned around and stuck her tongue out at me then smiled.

  We pulled up outside of a club called ‘Rave’ and I could see the excitement in Allison. She was literally wiggling in her seat like a two year old in McDonalds Drive-thru waiting for her happy meal toy. The club was busy and I could hear the band playing. They sounded pretty good which explained the crowd that had gathered to watch.