Wanted: Parents for a Baby!

by Laura Iding

  But she refused to let that selfish thought ruin her day. If Emma wasn’t meant for her, then so be it. Having Emma move up to the level-two nursery was a huge accomplishment.

  Normally Cassie cared for the sicker babies, but maybe her boss would make an exception. If not, she’d still rejoice in the news that Emma was getting better. Because Emma’s health was all that mattered.

  The baby’s heath and finding a loving family to take care of her.

  * * *

  Ryan was disappointed when he learned that the neonatal unit was short-staffed over the dinner hour, thanks to a preemie delivery, so Cassie wasn’t free to meet him.

  He returned toward the end of her shift and she looked surprised to see him waiting there. She smiled and crossed over. “You must be bored out of your mind with nothing to do during my entire shift.”

  “Not at all,” he said, although the waiting had been pure torture. “Are you hungry? Did you get a chance to eat anything?”

  “Yes, I’m hungry and, no, I didn’t get a chance to eat dinner. It’s been crazy. We had two preemies deliver right after each other.”

  He thought for a minute. “We can either eat in the cafeteria or at San Flippo’s Pizzeria right across the street.”

  “Pizza sounds wonderful.”

  As they walked toward the elevator, he rested his hand in the small of her back, needing the brief physical connection. Watching her feed Emma had made him realize how much he cared about Cassie.

  And emphasized just how important this conversation would be.

  “Any news on the townhouse?” he asked, as they rode the elevator down to the lobby level.

  She grimaced and shrugged. “They countered but only dropped the price three grand, so it’s not looking good.”

  Once again, he thought about the Cape Cod located near the park. But he was getting way ahead of himself. First they needed to talk. A heavy conversation that might be better with food in their stomachs.

  “I’m sorry, Cassie,” he murmured.

  “It’s all right. Emma’s doing so much better, anyway, that I’m sure other foster parents will step forward to claim her.”

  He wanted to reassure her, but unfortunately she was right. Emma’s medical needs might not be a barrier after all.

  But deep down he knew that Emma and Cassie belonged together.

  The walk across the street to San Flippo’s didn’t take long, and he had to smile when Cassie ordered a pizza with the works, just the way he liked it.

  “Let’s sit in the back,” he said, choosing an isolated area of the eating space on purpose.

  They took a seat as the server came over with their soft drinks. “The pizza will be ready soon.”

  “I hope so, because I’m starving,” she muttered, half under her breath.

  He couldn’t help but grin. “Should I get an order of breadsticks to tide you over?”

  She wrinkled her nose at him. “No, thanks. I’d rather eat the real deal.”

  He nodded. “Okay, we’ll wait.”

  She played with her straw wrapper. “Ryan, why did you want to talk to me so badly that you couldn’t wait until tomorrow?”

  He cleared his throat, wondering where to start. “I heard from Detective Trammel after I dropped you off at your apartment. They’ve arrested Dr. Oliver Stevenson for running illegal drug clinics.”

  Cassie’s eyes widened in shock. “Really? Trey got his prescription filled there?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, and apparently this doc moved around a lot, slapping up clinics in strip malls and other cheap business rental places and then tearing them down to move again. But he won’t hurt anyone else. He’s done.”

  “Oh, Ryan, I’m so happy for you.” Cassie reached over to cover his hand in hers. “I’m sure this must be a huge relief.”

  “Thanks.” He knew he had to tell her the rest, but at that moment their server showed up with their pizza.

  “Yum, that looks delicious.” Cassie helped herself to a generous slice, so he did the same.

  They ate in silence for several minutes as he tried to figure out how to confess the rest of the story to Cassie.

  As it turned out, she brought it up first.

  “Ryan, if the police arrested the doctor who supplied your wife’s pills, why do you feel responsible for her death?”

  The pizza he’d eaten sat like a lump of dough in his gut. He gulped down some water before lifting his gaze to meet hers.

  “I didn’t love Victoria the way I should have,” he finally said. “We were young, too young to realize what we were getting into. Victoria liked being a doctor’s wife and was obsessed with her looks, to the point of weighing herself every single morning and freaking out if she gained a half a pound.”

  Cassie pushed her empty plate away, her gaze never wavering from his. “Go on,” she encouraged.

  He licked suddenly dry lips. “I was thinking about filing for divorce—in fact, I’d already met with a lawyer to begin the process. But that evening, when I came home, Victoria told me she was pregnant.”

  She gasped, so loudly that he was surprised the few patrons of the restaurant didn’t turn around to see what was going on. “She was pregnant?” she whispered.

  The pizza congealed in his gut. “Yeah. I was thrilled about the baby and decided to forget about the divorce. My parents divorced when I was young and I was shuffled between them for most of my early life. I didn’t want that for my son.” He let out a heavy sigh. “But I didn’t know Victoria was still taking prescription painkillers. She’d had surgery a year earlier, and it never occurred to me that she’d become addicted to them.”

  Cassie didn’t say a word, her eyes wide with horror. He forced himself to finish it.

  “Don’t you see? I was clueless. I didn’t know she was taking pills. And I can’t help thinking that she used them as a crutch because I didn’t love her enough.”

  He tossed his napkin over his plate with a wave of self-disgust. “When Victoria died of an accidental drug overdose, she took my son along with her. And as much as I missed him, there was a tiny part of me that was relieved she was gone.”

  Cassie stared at him for a long moment before she tore her gaze away. “I don’t know what to say,” she whispered. “I had no idea…”

  Her voice trailed off and the way she wouldn’t look at him only cemented the truth.

  She was appalled by his actions. And obviously didn’t want anything to do with him now that she knew.

  And, worst of all, he couldn’t blame her.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  CASSIE PRESSED HER shaking hands together as she rose to her feet. “Excuse me,” she said in a strangled tone before making her way to the woman’s restroom. For long moments she stood, her hands braced on the countertop, trying to get a grip on her emotions.

  Ryan had lost his son. A son he’d wanted desperately enough to try to make his loveless marriage work.

  He’d lost his son!

  Cassie took several deep breaths, trying to calm herself. After she’d told him about her two miscarriages and the need to have surgery, Ryan hadn’t mentioned anything about losing his son.

  To be fair, she hadn’t given him a chance, since she’d been anxious to see the townhouse.

  Still, it was clear that she might never be able to give Ryan the son he wanted. Sure, he’d been supportive of her quest to become a foster mother for Emma, and had claimed that there were many other options available to have children. But he’d want a son of his own.

  She loved him. She loved him and he clearly deserved the chance to have his own child. No matter what he might say to the contrary.

  Her instincts weren’t reliable when it came to men.

  “Cassandra? Are you all right?”

  Hearing Ryan’s voice on the other side of the door made tears spring to her eyes. She quickly splashed cold water on her face to hide the evidence and to bring some color back into her pale face.

  She walked out of the restroom,
surprised he’d come to see if she was all right. “I’m fine and I shouldn’t have left you like that. I’m sorry, Ryan. So sorry for everything you’ve been through.”

  He stared at her, his gaze impassive. She couldn’t figure out what he was thinking. “I’ve already paid the bill, so I’ll drive you home.”

  She was surprised he wanted the evening to end so soon, especially after he’d waited her entire shift to talk to her. But then again, she’d left to pull herself together. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “And my car is at the hospital.”

  “Then I’ll take you to your car.”

  She followed him outside, still shaken by the news that he’d lost his son but feeling terrible that she’d reacted so badly. Why had she made it about her own loss, instead of supporting Ryan?

  “Her death wasn’t your fault,” she murmured, as he drove back across the street to the hospital parking lot.

  “Yeah, right.” His sarcastic tone bit deep.

  “Listen, Ryan, I’m not an expert, but I’m sure your wife tried to keep her addiction a secret.”

  “That isn’t the point.”

  She wasn’t sure what the point was, but he didn’t say anything more as he pulled up alongside her car. She sat for a moment, trying to think of some way to ease his guilt.

  “Goodnight, Cassie.”

  The finality of his tone couldn’t be ignored. “Goodnight, Ryan,” she murmured, her heart aching for him as she slid out of his car to climb into hers.

  Ryan drove away without so much as a backward glance.

  And she knew, with sick certainty, that he’d never love her the way she loved him. How could he? He wouldn’t be able to love anyone until he learned to forgive himself.

  * * *

  Ryan kept seeing the horrified expression in Cassie’s eyes over and over again. She’d tried to tell him that Victoria’s death hadn’t been his fault, but she hadn’t mentioned anything about the way he’d been secretly relieved that he hadn’t been stuck with Victoria for the rest of his life.

  A statement that had sent her running to the bathroom so she could pull herself together in private.

  He couldn’t sleep and was glad to know that he wasn’t scheduled to work the next day. Not that he’d mind keeping busy, but he wouldn’t do his tiny patients any good coming in to work sleep deprived.

  The thought of his infant patients reminded him of Emma. Beautiful Emma, who’d looked adorable in Cassie’s arms.

  He tried to slam the door on those images but they kept rolling through his mind like a movie that wouldn’t end.

  His heart squeezed painfully in his chest as he realized how much he loved Cassie.

  He loved her.

  But she would never return his feelings.

  Somehow he must have dozed a bit because suddenly the early morning sunshine woke him up. He blinked and rolled out of bed with a low groan.

  Maybe he should offer to work today. There were three neonatal intensivists and between them they covered the unit 24/7. Erica Ryerson was on today, and since she’d asked off for the past weekend he knew she’d insist on staying.

  Which meant he had a long, endless day stretching ahead of him.

  Ryan’s phone rang and his pulse leaped as he grabbed his phone, but of course the caller wasn’t Cassie. He answered it halfheartedly. “Hello?”

  “Dr. Murphy? Andrea Langley here. First of all, I have a couple interested in looking at your house this afternoon. Isn’t that fantastic?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to garner some enthusiasm. “Yeah, that’s great. What time?”

  “Two o’clock. But I was also wondering if there were any properties you were interested in seeing? You might want to pick something out in case we get lucky and someone puts in an offer on your place.”

  The Cape Cod located next to the park flashed into his mind, although his previous excitement about the place had waned considerably.

  “Sure, why not?” He mentioned the house he had in mind. At least seeing it would give him something to do. “I can meet you there in an hour or so, if that works?”

  “Perfect. See you then.”

  He disconnected from the call, forcing himself to take a shower, change and grab something to eat before heading over to the house he’d glimpsed yesterday when he’d driven Cassie to the townhouse.

  Seeing the Cape Cod up close only reinforced his belief that the place would be perfect for Cassie. For Cassie and Emma, or any other baby she decided to foster.

  The thawed spot in his heart ached to the point he pressed his hand to the center of his chest in a vain effort to ease the pain. This was why he’d held himself closed off from everyone since Victoria’s death.

  Because love hurt too damn much.

  He hadn’t loved Victoria enough, but he’d loved his son. And losing his baby boy had gutted him.

  Now he felt the same way over losing Cassie.

  Andrea babbled on and on about the house, but all he could see was Cassie everywhere he looked. Cassie in the kitchen, the bedroom. Holding Emma. Holding their child.

  “Well? What do you think?” Andrea asked.

  He nodded, wondering if he’d see Cassie in every house he viewed. “It’s nice.”

  “Are you interested in putting in an offer?” she asked, not seeming to notice his lackluster attitude.

  “Let me think about it a bit more,” he hedged. “After all, this is the first house I’ve looked at.”

  Andrea looked disappointed, but she nodded. “Okay, do you have other places in mind?”

  He didn’t have a clue. And it was difficult to drum up the energy to care. “I’ll make a list and get back to you,” he promised.

  Andrea wasn’t thrilled, but he didn’t care. He walked back out to his car, tempted to take a long drive along the coast of Lake Michigan.

  But doing that only reminded him again of Cassie. The way she enjoyed riding in his convertible. The way she’d tipped her face up to the sun. The way she laughed.

  As he drove home, he realized that he’d never be able to forget all the memories he’d shared with Cassie.

  When he pulled into his driveway, there was a car parked in front of his house. It took him a minute to realize the sedan belonged to Cassie.

  A mixture of dread and pleasure filled his chest. He must be a glutton for punishment, because even knowing that all she wanted to do was to rehash everything from last night, he was still happy to see her.

  “Hi,” she greeted him awkwardly.

  He tried, and failed, to summon a smile. “Cassie. What brings you here?”

  “I didn’t sleep very well last night,” she said.

  “Me, either,” he admitted. “And don’t worry, I understand.”

  Her brow knitted in confusion. “Understand what?”

  “Why you ran off to the bathroom like that.” He glanced around, thinking that standing in his driveway probably wasn’t the best place to have this conversation. “Do you want to go inside?”

  She hesitated. “Could we take a walk instead?”

  “Sure.” The fact that she didn’t want to be inside Victoria’s house wasn’t too surprising. He fell into step beside her as they made their way down to the road.

  “I shouldn’t have run to the bathroom last night,” she said. “I’m sorry. Hearing about how you lost a son similar to the way I lost two babies hit me harder than I expected.”

  He was surprised to hear that. “I figured you were upset about the fact that I was secretly glad to be free of Victoria.” There, he’d said it again, in case she hadn’t heard him the first time.

  “Oh, Ryan, I know just how that feels. As much as I mourned the loss of my baby, I was also secretly glad to know that I found out about Evan, too. I wanted my child more than anything, but sharing that child with someone like him…” She shrugged. “It took me a long time to realize that maybe losing my baby was a mixed blessing.”

  He was flabbergasted by her admission. “You don’t
think I’m a terrible person?” he asked.

  She frowned. “Of course not.”

  The relief that hit him was overwhelming. “You don’t know how much hearing that means to me.” He captured her hand in his and stopped so he could face her. “I’m glad you don’t hate me.”

  Her eyes filled with compassion. “I don’t hate you, Ryan. I can’t hate you when I’ve fallen in love with you.”

  His mouth dropped open in surprise and the stabbing pain in his heart eased. “Cassandra, I love you, too.”

  He would have kissed her but she threw up her hand, planting it in the center of his chest. “I’m sorry, but I find that hard to believe,” she said huskily. “How can you love me when you haven’t forgiven yourself?”

  He covered her hand on his chest with his. “Cassie, you have to understand that I’ve been trying to forgive myself since the day Victoria died.”

  Her smile was sad. “I know, and I suspect that finding that Dr. Stevenson, who’d supplied her pain meds, helped a bit.”

  “Yes, but that wasn’t the biggest change that helped me,” he said, gazing down into her wide brown eyes. He needed her to believe him. “It was you, Cassandra. All you. Your warmth, your laughter, your smile. After I lost my son, I refused to care that much about anyone. You healed the piece of my heart that I thought was lost forever.”

  “Oh, Ryan,” she whispered. “I want so badly to believe you.”

  He understood that trust must be difficult, considering the way her ex had betrayed her. “What can I say to make you believe me? I love you so much. I love you and I want to be with you, forever.”

  Amazing how saying the words became easier and easier when they were right.

  “You realize I probably can’t give you children,” she said, dropping her gaze. “I’ll have the surgery, but there are no guarantees. And even though I probably won’t get to foster Emma, I’d still like to complete the classes, just in case another baby comes along that needs a home.”

  “Of course you’ll complete the classes,” Ryan said. He gently tipped her chin up so that he could look into her eyes. “I love you, Cassandra. Babies, either foster-care babies or our own, will just be an added bonus. Don’t you see? You’re the most important person to me.”