Too Many Reasons

by Kristen Strassel

  I laughed, but now I had to think. The pressure. “My favorite musician is Jimi Hendrix.”

  Eli’s eyebrows disappeared under the fringe of his hair. “You’re lying to me.”

  “I would never lie about something like that. He was a genius.”

  “Jimi is the reason I play guitar. Could you imagine what he could have accomplished if he had lived?” Eli shook his head sadly. “Wanna head to the next place?”

  “Sure.”

  “Please tell me you’re going to take me to some out of the way blues bar where old men have been playing since before our parents were born.” He put his hands together like he was praying. “I beg of you.”

  I laughed. “Am I that predictable?”

  “God, I hope so.”

  I directed him to The Apple Barrel. We were still early, the bar stayed open until the sun rose, so we were able to get a seat in the tiny bar. The first performer of the night had just started. Eli came back from the bar with two plastic cups of bourbon and coke. Once he sat down, his head was on a swivel, taking in the eclectic decorations, including dollar bills lining the walls along the bar. This performer was a folk singer who played acoustic. I leaned in so close to Eli that my hair brushed against his arm so he could hear me tell him about the place.

  The bar filled in and I had to push my chair practically on top of Eli’s so people could get by. The place was that small, if I hadn’t moved, no one would have been able to get to the bar. I didn’t want to be held responsible for that kind of injustice. A few people recognized Eli from The Spotlight, I couldn’t hear what they said but I could tell by the pantomime, and they came over to shake his hand and talk about The Spotlight.

  “What did they say?” His arm flew up to my back when someone bumped us. I stiffened when our eyes locked but he didn’t let it fall.

  “They just congratulated me on the show, and they wanted to know what I was doing in the city.” His face was so close to mine. “So I told them to come check out the band.”

  “Awesome. You’re doing my job for me.” Sometimes I felt like I ended every conversation I had by telling people to come to a Sinister Riot show.

  “Are you going to put me on payroll?” He raised one eyebrow, his hand moving up and down on my back.

  “How do you take your payment?” My skin tingled from the booze and his touch.

  A slow smile spread across his face. “I’ll have to show you.” He looked over at the band, then back at me. “Wanna dance?”

  “Here?” I looked around, still panicked by what he had to show me. I wasn’t used to that kind of forward. “There’s no room.”

  “We’ll make room.” Eli rose from his chair, his hand moving from my back to in front of my face. I took it and stood up, unsure of what he wanted to do. I always swayed back and forth to music, drink in hand, rock chick style, but I didn’t know how to actually dance.

  I couldn’t meet his eyes, I just felt stupid. Twenty-two and totally socially awkward. Eli tipped my chin up. “It’s just music. This is what you love.”

  He was right, and I relaxed as he slid his arms around my waist and my hands automatically rested on his shoulders. He directed my hips so they moved to the beat. He shimmied in closer, his forehead resting on mine. I almost forgot to breathe.

  Once I found the rhythm, Eli followed my lead and I swiveled my hips in time to the bass line. Between the dancing and the people trying to get more beer, we were as close as we could possibly get, his warm, hard chest pressed against my body.

  The band took a break, leaving us pressed up against each other with no music. Our faces were so close they almost touched, his lips parted, hovering over mine. Paralyzed, I clutched his shoulders for dear life. Sometime during the set, our chairs had been pushed away and claimed by other people. The crowd had swelled to the point that we didn’t have much room to separate, even if we wanted to. Eli pulled me in tighter and whispered in my ear, “Thanks for coming out with me tonight.”

  He must have been able to feel my heart pounding. “Thanks for inviting me.”

  “I hope we can do this again. A lot.”

  I smiled. “Me too.”

  He looked around the room. “Want to get out of here?”

  Not exactly what I expected him to say. “Okay.”

  We had to squeeze past too many drunks to get out, and the fresh air and space was so freeing, I felt bare, but in a good way. This time, on the way back to the car, Eli laced his fingers between mine. Automatically I started swinging my arm back and forth, forgetting for a minute who I was with, but Eli took it in stride.

  “Would you mind calling it a night?” he asked. “I have a meeting in the morning. A guitar company is thinking of endorsing me.”

  “No. That’s awesome.” Everything this guy touched turned to gold. And right now, he was touching me. “Are they coming down here to see you, or is it a remote meeting?”

  “They’re here. I’m meeting them at some hotel suite at eight thirty.”

  “This is what I’ve found about doing business with out of towners here,” I told him as I clicked my seat belt. “They really like coming here, because they can totally fuck around on the company dime. But if they can actually talk the bosses into letting them come for you, they really want you.”

  “This deal would be pretty sweet. And it would give me a lot more options for recording the album, and on tour. That’s the kind of thing that fans don’t know make a difference, but they appreciate it when it’s there.”

  “Of course. Better quality.” He’d have a full arsenal right at his fingertips. That was the type of thing the rest of the guys in the band could only dream about. Equipment didn’t come cheap.

  “I really want you to hear these new songs. I don’t think anyone feels right moving forward on them without your approval.”

  I hated that as good as the night was, everything still felt weird. Devon may not have actually been on this date with us, but his presence was undeniable. “Just say the word, and I’ll be there.”

  “Tomorrow night.”

  “It’s a date.” I smiled at Eli as he pulled in front of my house. He unbuckled his seatbelt as well, and waited for me to join him on the sidewalk.

  My legs felt rubbery as I walked up my steps. I dug in my purse for my key, and my fingers shook when I put it the lock. It took a couple tries to get it to open. I was all too aware the Eli had followed me into the foyer. I hadn’t invited him in or said good night. I didn’t know how to end the date, and I was pretty sure Eli was overestimating my experience level in this situation.

  I turned around to face him. The foyer was really just a place for the mailboxes, not a meeting place. It didn’t leave much room. I forgot to turn the light on, so only a few slivers of light that came in through the trees in front of the window sliced across his face. It made it hard for me to read what he was going to do.

  “So I’ll see you tomorrow?” I finally choked out.

  “Yeah.” Eli jumped as he answered. Was he nervous, too? “Practice is at seven. But you know that.”

  “Okay.” I wondered if he could tell I was shaking. “Goodnight.” I held my breath, and waited to see what happened next.

  Eli rested his hands on my shoulders, and tipped his head slightly, but stopped. I pressed my lips together, doing everything I could not to blurt out I’d never done this before. If he wanted to kiss me, I wouldn’t let myself ruin the moment.

  He ran his finger along the collar of my jacket. I looked back up at him, and Eli took that opportunity to cradle my face in his hands. I relaxed, sort of, if you didn’t count my stomach flip-flopping with anticipation. He leaned in close, and I closed my eyes.

  Eli rested his lips on the top of my head. I melted under the warmth of his touch, letting out the breath I’d been holding. I brought my hands up, just barely touching his belt. I didn’t want to change anything about this moment. Somehow, he figured out the perfect way to bring the night to a close.

  “Goodn
ight, Abby,” he whispered, his lips moving against my hair. When he pulled away from me, I wanted to drag him back, but instead I watched him walk down the stairs, a bounce in his step, and then drive away.

  I practically floated up the stairs to my apartment, then I jumped a mile when I opened the door.

  Devon was waiting for me in the living room.

  “What the hell are you doing here? You scared the shit out of me.” He had a key, so it wasn’t like he didn’t have a permanent invite. But tonight? Come on.

  “I wanted to make sure you got home safe.” He was lying on the futon, one leg thrown over the back cushion. It didn’t appear that he was actually doing anything, but waiting for me. The cat was curled up on his stomach. Thank God Mallory still hadn’t come back. Or maybe not. She would have sent his ass packing.

  “You could have just texted.” I took off my jacket and tossed it at him. Ziggy took offense, disappearing into some dark corner. I refused to sit next to him, instead I sank into the bean bag chair to unlace my boots. After dancing for a good part of the night, my feet were begging me to take them off. I hadn’t noticed until now.

  “You didn’t answer me earlier.” He watched my fingers free my legs from the ties. Once I was only in my socks, I curled my legs under my body, but sitting practically on the floor made me feel too small and Devon too big. He was acting like an irrational asshole and I didn’t want to give him any more power. I practically jumped to my feet.

  “Because I was out. With someone. And I didn’t want to be rude like some people and spend the whole night on the phone texting someone else.” Like Devon did with Lexi when he went out with me. I filled a glass with water and drank it all in one long sip. “Did I need to be concerned? Was I out with a serial killer?”

  Devon scoffed. “No.”

  “So what you really wanted to do was make sure I didn’t bring him upstairs with me.” I crossed my arms and started pacing in front of him. I wanted to ask him about all the things Eli had told me he’d said, but it just seemed petty. “What would you have done if I had?”

  “You can do whatever you want, Abby.” He sat up, raking his fingers through his hair. “Where’d you go?”

  “Magdalena’s.”

  “Shrimp and grits? Hurricanes?”

  I nodded. “Then I took him to—“

  “The Apple Barrel.” Devon finished my sentence. “All the things we like to do.”

  “All the things I like to do, with any good company.” I stopped, arms still crossed. “Would you even be here if I’d gone out with anyone else?” I wondered if Devon had known about my date before he’d texted me tonight.

  “I don’t know.” Our eyes locked in fury and frustration. “He didn’t even kiss you.”

  “That’s not true.” My whole body shook.

  Devon’s lips turned upward, a half-smile. “Your lip gloss is still perfect.”

  “Maybe I put more on.”

  “To come upstairs?” He shook his head. “No, you didn’t.”

  “Why do you even care? Do you want to kiss me?” I couldn’t believe I actually said it. Out loud. A couple of drinks and one date and I was feeling really cocky.

  In slow motion, Devon pushed himself up off the futon so he stood just inches from me. I didn’t move, or even uncross my arms. He rested his hands on my elbows, and looked down at me in a way he never had before. Like he was seeing me for the first time. My heart slammed against my ribcage for the second time that night, and I was glad my arms were there to keep everything in place. He ran his teeth against his lip ring, drawing my eyes to the motion. He closed his eyes and leaned forward.

  I’d pictured this moment a thousand times, so some of it seemed very familiar to me: the chunk of hair that fell in his eyes as he lowered his face to mine, the way his bottom lip moved against his teeth when he felt unsure of himself.

  No. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

  I turned my head and his lips brushed against my cheek. “Don’t.” I could barely speak.

  “Abby.” His fingers moved against the back of my arm and I shivered. His words were so soft, if we weren’t so close I might not have heard them. “You asked me what I wanted.”

  Frozen in place, I stared at my shoes next to the bean bag. “I don’t want you to do this because you’re pissed off that I went out with Eli,” I whispered. Eight years I waited for him to finally make that move, and I think I had the right to lay some ground rules. If I was going to kiss him, it wasn’t going to be cheap and full of regret. “That’s not how I want this to be.”

  He didn’t fight me when I tore away from him. The curtain that separated my bedroom was only a few steps away, but before I disappeared behind it, I looked back to see him standing in the same spot, looking sad and confused. No. He wasn’t going to make me feel bad for him tonight. “If you need to stay, stay.” I wasn’t sure if he’d been drinking or if he had a place to go. “But don’t you dare come in here tonight.”

  Devon just nodded. I pushed aside the curtain, and once it fell behind me, I did my best to catch my breath. I stepped out of my skirt and took my bra off, I could sleep in the rest of it. I didn’t have the energy for anything else.

  Sleep. Yeah, right. Who was I kidding. I lay awake on top of the comforter, staring at the ceiling. I tried to think about how much fun I’d had before I came home, and how it felt to be with Eli, but the sensation of Devon’s lips against my cheek stung like a new tattoo, fighting to cancel out the memory of Eli’s lips brushing against my hair. I touched my cheek, trying to make the burn go away, but there was no erasing it.

  I stayed like that for a long time, until I heard the door open and close softly. Once I was finally alone, I gave myself permission to cry.

  “Abby.” My eyelids felt glued together, but the smell of coffee was almost tempting enough to want to peel them open. “It’s past two o’clock.”

  Holy shit. Devon lay on the edge of my bed, propped up on his elbow. I groaned when I saw him and put my head under my pillow. “What are you doing here? I thought you left.”

  “I did. I came back.”

  I peeked out from underneath the pillow. Just barely. “Why?”

  “Because I fucking hated everything that happened last night.” Devon pulled the pillow away from my head.

  “I didn’t. My night was actually pretty awesome until you showed up.”

  “I know.” He looked down, kneading at the pillow. “I came to apologize.”

  Sitting up and rubbing sleep from my eyes, I wasn’t going to let him off the hook. He didn’t deserve it. “You shouldn’t have done that. Any of it. You shouldn’t have come here last night. If I really had something to worry about, I’d like to think you would have texted me right away, not sat on my couch and waited to see if I came home in one piece. That freaked me out.” I took a deep breath. “And you shouldn’t have told Eli to stay away from me.”

  Devon shook his head and handed me a cup of coffee. “I was kidding.”

  “Bullshit.” I hesitated on whether or not I should take it from him, but I felt like I’d been hit by a train. My head was pounding, not because I drank too much last night, but because I’d cried until the sun came up. The coffee was lukewarm, and I wondered how long he’d watched me sleep. “I’m going to go out with him again.”

  “I didn’t want you to get hurt, that’s all.”

  Slamming the cup down on the window sill next to me, I grabbed a big handfuls of blankets, pulling them close to my body. “It’s not your job to put me in some glass case where no one can touch me. It’s your job to pick up the pieces when it all goes to shit, like I do for you all the time.”

  “I know that. I just really, really didn’t want you to go out with him.”

  “Why?”

  “He’s not right for you.”

  “You don’t get to decide that, Devon.” My eyes burned, a side effect of my emotional hangover. “Unless you want to change the rules.”

  He pulled his bottom l
ip in, playing with the ring. “I don’t want anything to change.”

  This was fucking crazy. If Eli served no other purpose in my life, he made me realize how broken my relationship with Devon had become. I pushed the blankets off my lap and stood up on the mattress to get away from him. “I’m not having this conversation with you.”

  As I took a step, Devon reached out for my arm, pulling me back down to the bed. I landed half on my pillow, and half on him. I started to get back up, but he put his hands on my shoulders. “I don’t want to lose you. You’re the most important person in my life.”

  I covered my face with my hands in frustration. “Then why are you with Lexi?” The words didn’t want to come out, they sounded cracked and dry. Then I forced myself to meet his eyes and asked the scariest question of all. “Why don’t you think of me like that?”

  Devon opened his mouth, blinking rapidly. He didn’t say anything for too long, but he took deep breaths. “Because I’m a fucking idiot. There’s no other reason.” His hands ran lightly down my arms, landing on my hands, which I’d twisted together in my lap. “I never wanted to screw up what we have, so I told myself you were off limits.”

  His words crushed me. I understood what he was trying to say, that he’d meant to put me on a pedestal, but what he’d really done was lock me in a cage.

  “Everyone thinks we’re a couple, until your girlfriend shows up. Then I look like a fool. It makes everyone around us uncomfortable. If the playing field was even, and I was dating someone too, maybe it wouldn’t be so weird. Or maybe it would be weirder, I don’t know. Mallory says you suck the single out of me.”

  He groaned. “I hate Mallory.”

  “She hates you, too. Because she says I let you walk all over me. She’s right. And it makes me feel awful.”

  Devon bowed his head down to his chest. His fingers moved slowly against mine but he didn’t say anything.

  “Do you know how it makes me feel when Lexi just has to tell me about all of the amazing make up sex you two have? Since you’re always fighting with her, it’s always make up sex. She knows she’s got the one thing I don’t.”