I guess that makes me weaker than most. Or maybe it means I’m stronger because I recognize the injustice and I seek to make it right. Either way, nothing will bring them back. I know that much. I think a part of me just hopes that somehow this will bring me the closure I am so desperate for.
Out of the corner of my eye I catch sight of a small wooden cross sticking up out of the ground just feet from the side of the road. It immediately pulls me from my thoughts and sends my voice echoing through the cab.
“Stop.”
“Ma’am?” The driver seems confused considering we are on a bare strip of road without a thing in sight.
“Stop the car.” I repeat myself, pushing open the back door before he even has a chance to pull the car to a complete halt.
Without a word I take off in a full sprint, backtracking the road we just traveled to the spot where I saw the cross. It doesn’t take me long to catch sight of it again and I immediately dip off the road into the shallow ditch where it is located.
My heart is beating a hundred miles a minute when I finally reach it. Whether it’s from the run or the knowledge of what this means, I’m not sure. I drop to the ground directly in front of the handmade cross, tears obstructing my vision as I do.
I blink rapidly trying to clear my line of sight, my tears flowing heavier when I finally make out what’s written in black marker across the center of the cross; Sean Allen Cole 1989-2008 Fly with the angels our friend.
The sobs rake through my body when I realize what this means. Not only is this the very spot where my brother took his last breath, but this is where people who knew and loved Sean have chosen to memorialize him. The small boutique of plastic flowers lying on the ground next to the cross is proof that not only did he have people here that cared for him, but he has people that still do.
I pull my knees to my chest and rock back and forth, my eyes darting from the sky to the cross, to the field directly in front of me where I know the accident happened. I am so lost in my own emotion, in the realization of where I am that I completely forget about the cab until the driver gently clears his throat behind me.
“Ma’am. Are you okay?” He asks hesitantly, staying a few feet back from where I am sitting.
“I’m fine.” My voice comes out broken and riddled with emotion which I immediately try to reign in. “Can you give me just another couple of minutes?” I ask, not looking in the man’s direction.
“Of course.” He answers, walking away without another word.
I know that he’s on my dollar but the fact that he shows no irritation or annoyance over the situation makes me extremely grateful. I’m sure it’s not every day he has a crazy woman practically jump out of his moving car and take off sprinting down the road. Then again, this is New York. I’m sure he’s seen crazier things now that I think about it.
I shake my head, turning my attention back to the cross in front of me. Words cannot express how much it means to me knowing that I am not the only person keeping Sean’s memory alive. It brings me a comfort I wasn’t even aware I needed.
It takes several more moments before I finally find enough composure to pull myself to my feet. Looking out over the field one last time, I can’t help but feel like in this moment Sean is right here with me. I can feel it in the wind as it whips around my face, in the sudden peace that settles over my shoulders like an immense weight has been lifted.
Wiping away the last of my tears, I turn, making my way back to the cab which is pulled off the side of the road several feet in front of me. When I finally reach the car, I immediately climb into the backseat, asking the driver to take me back to the city.
If I was looking for confirmation that I am on the right path, I feel like I found it today. This is exactly what I needed; to remember what all this is for. For the brother I lost, the mother who was killed by her own grief, and the father who couldn’t find the strength to go on.
****
By the time I finally make it back to the hotel room it is already after seven in the evening. After the cab dropped me off outside of the building, I couldn’t stomach facing Luke right away so I spent the next two hours roaming the area close to the hotel, stopping off a hotdog stand to grab me a small bite to eat in the process.
Sliding my key card into the door, I hear the lock click before I push my way inside. The silence in the room immediately buzzes in my ears as I close the door behind me and drop my things on the floor in the foyer.
“Luke?” I call out hesitantly, not sure if he’s here or not.
When I am answered only by further silence I push forward, collapsing on the stark white sofa that sits in the center of the living area. Pulling out my phone, I am shocked to see I have three text messages and a voicemail from Luke. I don’t remember feeling my phone vibrate at any point beyond the first text messaged I received.
Sliding the lock screen, I check the text messages first.
Mr. Porter would like us to join him for dinner. Please try to be back by six.
Scrolling to the next message, my heart constricts slightly.
Are you going to make it for dinner? Please call me.
The time stamp shows this is the last communication from Luke. Guilt floods through me but I try to push past it. I have to find a way to separate my emotions. I am already in too deep, that much I know for sure.
Pressing the voicemail icon next, I hold my breath the moment his smooth voice sounds in my ear.
“Allie it’s Luke. I’ve been trying to reach you all afternoon. I am meeting Mr. Porter and Shane at Dutchess for dinner. In case you don’t get this message in time I wrote the address down on the back of a business card and left it on the table in the entryway. I really hope that you are able to join us. I hope to see you there.” His voice disappears as the line goes dead.
I know professionally I should join them. I should put on my game face, go get changed, and show up there ready to impress but I just can’t find it in me to do.
The day’s events have me both mentally and physically exhausted, not to mention emotionally drained. I’m not sure I could smile at the current moment, let alone fake my way through an entire dinner. Besides, considering the time, they probably already have their entrees if not already finished eating.
Pulling up the text messages again, I offer nothing more than a simple reply to his invitation.
Sorry I wasn’t able to join you. I got back a little late and did not see that you had called.
I’m not really feeling all that well and think I am just going to lie down for a while if that is okay.
His reply is almost instant.
I will wrap up here as soon as I can. Is there anything I can bring you?
My heart picks up speed slightly, seeing how quickly he jumps to my aid. Just another reason why walking away from Luke will prove to be one of the hardest things I have had to do to date. I have never had someone to worry about me or care about how I am feeling, it’s both terrifying and gratifying.
Please don’t rush. I will probably be asleep by the time you return.
Staring at the messages illuminated on the screen, my heart breaks a little more with each second that passes. Each tick of the clock brings on a certain realization, one that reassures me that the life Luke makes me want, I can never have.
It’s true that I barely know him. But it’s also true that no one has ever made me feel the way he does. I can’t explain it or even make sense of it but it’s there, it’s always there; this incredible pull that I can’t seem to ignore.
I click off my phone, immediately forcing myself off of the couch. Crossing the space, I slip inside my room without even bothering to flip on the lights. While I may have fabricated my excuse slightly, the fact still remains that today has most definitely taken a toll on me.
Collapsing on top of the mattress, I don’t even bother to pull the blankets down as I snuggle my face into the oversized bed pillow, a fresh set of tears immediately welling behind my tired eyes.
Seventeen
Samantha
I hear the main door snap closed, the sound instantly pulling me from my light sleep as I blink rapidly into the darkness. I hear Luke’s light footsteps, one after another until they finally stop directly outside of my room.
Closing my eyes again, I try to keep my breathing even as I hear the bedroom door open slightly, a small sliver of light from the hallway shining directly on my face. It lasts only moments before the door latches closed and the light is gone.
Letting out a slow breath, I roll onto my back and look up at the ceiling. I wish there was some way out of the mess of a life I have created. I wish I could just let all of this go and for once just allow myself the chance at a normal existence. I wish a lot of things, most of which involve Luke.
I toss and turn for the next couple of hours, desperately wishing I could fall back to sleep. Luke finally settled in just a few short moments ago, the sounds of him moving through the hotel room dying off and leaving only an eerie silence surrounding me.
Pushing up in my bed, the moment my feet hit the floor they are crossing the room. I try to convince myself to turn around, to lie back down and just wait for sleep to come but I can’t do it. The urge to see Luke, to touch him, comes on so fast and so strong that I have no choice but to follow it.
Before I can even process my body’s movements, I am standing in front of Luke’s bedroom door. I hold my hand up to knock, hesitating only a moment before I hear the sound of my fist connecting with the wood, the noise echoing through the silent hallway.
I hear nothing at first. No hint that Luke is awake, no movement from the room behind the door. Taking a step backwards, prepared to walk away, I immediately freeze when Luke suddenly appears in the doorway, his incredible body covered by nothing more than a tight pair of boxer briefs.
My eyes instantly drop to his bare torso, taking in the broad firmness of his chest before dipping lower to his sculpted stomach. I can feel the heat flood my cheeks as my eyes fall lower for a fraction of a second before finally finding his face.
“Allie?” My name is a question on his lips but he says it in a way like he’s trying to convince himself that he’s not dreaming, his eyes glazing over slightly the moment they take in my barely there attire; a tank top and boy short underwear.
Something about his reaction seems to break what little hold I have over myself, making me want to satisfy the sudden hunger that takes over his eyes. I step forward, wrapping my hand around the back of his neck before pulling down. He hesitates for only a moment before dipping down, his lips settling on mine. The softness of his kiss causes the sensation of needle pricks to spread across my skin.
I lose myself in my own desperation to feel something beyond my pain. I step forward causing Luke to step backwards into his room. He allows me to guide him two more steps before pulling me into his arms, kicking the door closed behind us.
The moment my feet hit the floor Luke pins me between his body and the back of the door, his kiss deepening as his hands slide the tank top from my shoulders, the giving material immediately sliding past my hips and pooling around my feet.
He sucks in a sharp breath as his hands roam my bare flesh, his touch becoming less controlled with each second that passes. I claw at his bare back, urging him forward, wanting to feel the pleasure I know only he can give me.
“I want to take my time.” He pants, breaking away from my lips. “But if I don’t feel you around me right now I’m going to fucking explode.” The desperation in his voice sends my own need for him spiraling.
It’s only moments before Luke has me panty-less and hoisted up, my legs locked around his waist as he slides slowly inside of me. He bites down on his lower lip like he’s trying to control himself from just slamming into me.
Taking his face in my hands, I force him to look at me. “Don’t hold back.” My labored breathing makes my statement desperate and broken.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” He lays a gentle kiss to my lips before speaking against them. “I don’t ever want to hurt you.”
“You won’t.” I reassure him, knowing there is so much more to his statement but not able to process anything beyond the physical build.
He pulls back, the hesitation in his eyes fading as he finds something in my reaction that clearly gives him the reassurance he needs. Wrapping one arm around my waist and positioning the other one on the wall behind me, he thrusts upwards forcefully, causing me to cry out from the sudden intensity of his movement.
Tangling my hands in the back of his hair, I pull his lips back to mine as he begins moving inside of me. It’s only moments before I feel like my body is going to split apart above him, each thrust harder than the last until every part of my body feels the burn from the fire he lights in me.
His mouth works skillfully against mine as he plunges inside of me over and over again, his tongue coaxing deep moans from me as he pulls every bit of pleasure from me that he can. There is not one part of my body that is not at his complete command.
He owns me. Right here and right now I am nothing but his; a body for him to control, a heart for him to claim. I am powerless to stop it. No matter how much I fight against it, I know I am no match for the feelings Luke brings to life inside of me.
“Look at me.” His voice comes out a breathless rasp as his face hovers just inches from mine. “Look at me Allie.” He repeats when I hesitate to meet his gaze.
The moment I finally do, my entire body seizes, the look in his eyes sending my already failing grip on control completely spiraling. The burn turns to a scorch that starts at my feet and slowly works of my own heart, to the intense explosion that causes my entire body to tremble in Luke’s arms.
“I can feel you.” He whispers against my mouth seconds before his lips close down on mine.
His entire body goes ridged against me as he succumbs to his own pleasure, his legs shaking slightly beneath our combined weight as he rides out his release.
Resting his body against mine, he drops his face into the crook of my neck, stilling there for several moments, trying to calm his erratic breathing. I work slow circles across his back with my fingertips, loving the smoothness of his skin beneath my touch.
“I’m sorry.” His voice finally breaks through the silence of the space, his statement confusing me.
“For what?” I ask, forcing his head up so that he has to look at me.
“I never meant for this to happen. Any of this. You’re my assistant Allie. This is so wrong on so many levels.” He starts, making no attempt to remove himself from my body.
“I just can’t get you out of my fucking head.” He continues, trailing a feather light touch across my collarbone. “How you feel under my touch, the way your breath hitches when I kiss you here.” He drops his face, pressing his lips to the base of my neck invoking the exact reaction he predicted. “The way you feel around me.” He moves slightly, the hardness of him still buried deep inside of me.
“Luke.” My voice is weak and broken, the one word giving away exactly what his words are doing to me.
“This time I am going to take my time with you.” There is so much promise to his statement, I feel the anticipation immediately begin to build inside of me as he backs me away from the wall and carries me towards the bed.
“I want to taste every inch of you.” He breathes against my lips, dropping a brief kiss to them before depositing me gently onto the mattress. “I want you to feel what you do to me.” He crawls up my body, his lips once again settling over mine as he kisses me more deeply, reigniting the flames still simmering deep within my body.
****
“Do you ever look in the mirror and feel like you have no idea who the person staring back at you is?” Luke’s voice breaks through the darkness, his hand continuing to trail lightly up and down my back as I lay against his chest.
“Every day.” I answer truthfully, caught off guard by the sudden change in conversation.
/> Just moments ago we were discussing our favorite foods and laughing over the fact that Luke can’t pass a candy store without going inside to buy rock candy.
“Why do you ask?” I add on, not sure where this is coming from.
“I don’t know. Sometimes I just look at my life, at my family, and I can’t help but wonder how I fit into it all. Like the world I exist in wasn’t made for me. Does that make sense?” His hand stops in the middle of my back for a brief moment before he begins working slow circles across the center with his fingertips, clearly lost in his thoughts.
“It does. It makes perfect sense actually.” I can’t help the sudden rush of emotion I feel having even a remotely genuine conversation with Luke.
I feel like so much of my life is falsified, it’s refreshing to just utter the truth without a second thought.
“Like the sensation of being lost even when you are surrounded by people and know exactly where you are.” I say aloud not actually even meaning to.
“Exactly.” I can feel his smile against the top of my head as he lays a kiss to it. “I don’t know, I just don’t feel like I belong.” He pauses. “At ScoTech, in Los Angeles, or hell even in the Scott family for that matter.”
“Then why stay? Why work for your father?” I ask, curious why a man as clearly driven as Luke would accept anything less than what he truly wants.
“Honestly, I don’t know.” He laughs lightly, his chest vibrating against my cheek. “I guess partly because it was just expected of me.”
“And the other part?” I ask.
“I don’t know. A part of me truly loves it I guess.” He admits, his voice dropping to almost a whisper. “I just wish I felt like it mattered more.”
“Have you ever thought about what you would do? If you didn’t work for your father I mean. What would you be?” I ask.
Beyond Love Lies Deceit Page 9