Starstruck

by Rachel Schurig

  I was struck with a powerful urge to kick Jane’s perfect little ass.

  “So I showed Tommy what I had been doing, and he said it was overkill.” A brief look of embarrassment flashed across his face. “Which is probably because it’s the way I always do romantic scenes on Darkness. I really want to get it right, though.”

  “All right, well let’s see it.”

  He grasped my shoulders and moved me so that I was facing him, nearly as close as he’d been standing to Thomas. “So all you have to do,” he said, apparently not noticing that my heart rate had increased two-fold standing this close, “is say, ‘I didn’t think you would care, either way,’ after my first line. And then I’ll do the rest. Think you can remember that?”

  I was having trouble remembering my name with him staring at me like that, but I merely nodded.

  “Okay, here goes nothing.”

  He closed his eyes briefly, as if gathering his thoughts. When he opened them, they were slightly narrowed and flashing, intense and concerned. “I didn’t think I would ever see you again.”

  A little shiver ran down the backs of my arms. Holy hell. What was I supposed to say? All I could think about was the way his eyes were sparkling at me, the perfect curve of his lips, the darkness of his eyelashes contrasting with the strand of blond hair hanging low on his forehead. Then he frowned. “Sofie? You okay?”

  “Sorry!” I instinctively took a step back, needing to break the spell. My eyes darted to the clock on the wall behind his head, to the couch at his side—anything but his face. “I forgot my line.”

  He laughed, seemingly unaffected by the moment. “That’s okay.” He repeated the line for me. “Now you.”

  “I didn’t think you would care, either way,” I mumbled.

  “Good! Okay, let’s try it again.” If I thought he was going to grant me the few extra inches of space I had claimed, I was wrong. He took a step closer, maybe even closer than he’d been before. This time, he didn’t close his eyes first, merely stared at me.

  “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

  “I didn’t think you would care, either way.”

  He reacted as if I had hit him, drawing in a sharp breath. “How can you say that? Do you have any…” He trailed off, shaking his head. When he looked at me again, it was my turn to draw in a sharp breath. I don’t think I’d ever been trapped by such an intense stare. “I’ve thought of you every day. Every day. I’ve missed everything about you. I’ve been… I can’t breathe without you. For you to say that.” He took another step closer, the tips of our toes touching now, and grabbed my shoulders, much more roughly than he had with Thomas. “Did you ever know me at all?”

  I couldn’t move, couldn’t even breathe. I could just stare up at him, the light flashing in his eyes, his breath coming in rough, low gasps. And then—it stopped. His face relaxed, his eyes widening slightly as if in anticipation. “How was that?”

  Holy shit.

  I shook my head, struggling for words. All I could think was that I needed to kiss him. Maybe then I could breath again. Maybe then my brain would be able to form words.

  “Sofie?” A frown creased his face, and I finally managed to draw in a sharp inhale.

  “That was good,” I squeaked, wishing he would let me go. Wishing he would take a step back. But he was watching my face, and his was changing. Not so intense as it had been during his line but no longer worried. Instead, he was staring at my lips, his eyes darkening.

  I had never been so thankful that babies cry. Beth let out a wail from above, and I jumped back, finally regaining control of my body. Jackson stepped away, releasing my arms, and pushed his hands into his pockets. Was it my imagination, or were they shaking?

  “I should… I should go and get her,” I said, my voice sounding strained, even to my own ear. “Are you… Do you need more help?”

  “I think I’m good,” he said, already heading for the door. Oh, thank God. There was no way I could handle that again.

  “Well, I think you’re ready.” I sounded slightly more normal now. “Whatever tips Thomas gave you, they definitely helped. You were gorg—I mean great! You were great.”

  “Thanks,” he said, not acknowledging my faux pas as he made a beeline to the porch. “See you for dinner.”

  And then he was gone, leaving me alone in the living room, still trying to catch my breath.

  Chapter Twelve

  I spent most of the dinner with Thomas and Lizzie trying to pretend like I wasn’t hyper-aware of Jackson’s proximity. With the two of us on one side, across from my cousin and her husband, it was impossible not to feel like we were on a double date. And every molecule of my body seemed powerfully drawn to Jackson. Fighting the urge to lean in closer, to brush my fingers against his, to move my leg just an inch so we’d be touching—it was exhausting.

  Getting back to work on Monday did nothing to ease my tiredness. We had a series of particularly long shoots, Jackson staying at the set until well past ten each night. Sometimes, I stayed with him, answering emails and sending out fan mail responses while he worked. By the weekend, I was exhausted and bound and determined to enjoy my Sunday off. I woke up to the sound of Beth gurgling in her bassinet. I peeked over the side of my bed to see her face—which immediately lit up in a breathtaking smile at the sight of me.

  “Well, hello, gorgeous little love,” I cooed, reaching down to rub her flannel-clad belly. “Someone slept well.”

  She grabbed my finger, squeezing hard—the effect was similar on my heart. It was so much fun to watch her grow like this, to see her do new things every day, becoming more alert, more aware. She definitely knew my face, my voice, my smell. Because I was her mother. The person she relied on. It was the best feeling I had ever known.

  Of course she chose this sweet moment to let out a terrible burp, making herself jump slightly at the noise. I snorted. “Super ladylike, Bethy.”

  My parents were at a church committee meeting, so I puttered around the house with Beth on my hip, enjoying having the place to myself. I fed her breakfast, gave her a bath—my favorite time of the day because she was always so happy in the bath. I could see every chubby little roll of her sweet body, and her eyes would widen at the gentlest splash of water. Then I set her up in her bouncy chair while I did some chores. She liked it when I blasted music, her favorite being the 90s pop stars that I just so happened to like myself.

  The clouds of the morning had cleared by midday. “We should go out in the sunshine,” I told her. “Get you out of this house for a bit.”

  So I wrapped her up in what was probably too many layers for spring and got her situated in her car seat. Then we went into Royal Oak and spent several lazy hours walking through the zoo. Beth loved to look at all the people, the kids with balloons, the bright colors. I was just happy to be outside and for it to not be cold.

  She didn’t start to fuss until nearly three. “I suppose we should get you home,” I told her. “You’re going to be a good girl and sleep in the car, aren’t you?”

  She fell asleep minutes after I’d put the car into gear and remained that way even after I pulled her from her car seat. I was so intent on not waking her that I didn’t notice the extra cars on the street until I was halfway up the driveway. My parents had guests. I made out Lizzie’s parents’ car, and Carla’s. “Big old family dinner,” I muttered. “Why am I surprised?”

  “There you are,” my mother said when I appeared in the doorway, but quickly slapped a hand over her mouth when she saw Beth sleeping in my arms. “Sorry,” she mouthed, and I smiled as I slipped past her to the stairs. Beth whimpered a little when I laid her in the crib, but then she turned and was soon fast asleep again.

  “We went to the zoo,” I announced to my mother as I made my way into the kitchen. I kissed her cheek. “Sorry, I should have called. I left my phone at home by accident.”

  “The zoo sounds nice,” my Aunt Sofia said, kissing me when I passed her at the counter. “It’s a
lovely day.”

  “It is. I wasn’t expecting you guys.”

  “You know us,” Uncle Carlos said, and I gave him a hug in greeting. “Always available for some free food.”

  “Speaking of free food—where are your children?”

  Aunt Sofia shook her head, smiling at me. “Sam will be here in a bit. Laura and Frank are bringing Maia. Maria is with Jose’s family tonight.” She waved her hands. “Heaven knows what Matias and Carlos are up to.”

  “Probably have hot dates, Tia.”

  “Well, I wish they would get serious enough about these dates of theirs to bring at least one of them home for me to meet.”

  I couldn’t blame my older cousins at all. I had only willingly brought one boy home, a high school boyfriend named John. Once had been far more than enough.

  “Speaking of dates coming home,” my dad said, his voice far too jovial, and I immediately stiffened.

  I was going to kill him.

  “Jim stopped by this morning. Said he tried to call…”

  “I just said I left my phone at home,” I huffed, crossing my arms, already feeling myself getting defensive.

  “Well, I invited him for dinner.”

  “Dad!”

  “He’s a part of the family, Sofie. I’m perfectly in my rights to invite him to spend time with us.”

  “He is not part of the family.”

  “He is my granddaughter’s father.” My dad’s voice was sharp, much sharper than it usually got with me, particularly in front of extended family. “I’m not saying you have to date this boy, but we will have a relationship with him. That’s only fair to Elizabeth.”

  I was literally shaking, I was so mad. Why in the hell did they have to interfere so often?

  “It’s just dinner,” my aunt said, her voice placating. I felt her hand on my arm and looked down into her face. She looked concerned and more than a little sympathetic. I softened slightly. Lizzie had told me that it was her mom who had kicked Jim out of her house at Christmas when my parents had pulled something similar. I was busy going into labor, so I missed it. Maybe she was on my side. And Sam would be here, too. I supposed there were worse circumstances under which I could spend time with Jim. And spending at least a little bit of time with him was inevitable now. I sighed.

  “I’ll be down in a bit.”

  I stalked down the hall and up the stairs to my room, hearing the lowered murmuring voices of parental concern as the adults talked about me. I climbed onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

  You have no one to blam but yourself, I thought, not for the first time. Letting a guy like Jim into my life had been a huge mistake. Huge. And I was going to have to deal with the consequences of that mistake forever. Because no matter what, we would always be tied to him. Through Beth.

  Beth. It was so confusing to feel so much anger at myself for hooking up with Jim when the result was Beth. She wouldn’t be the same baby if she had a different father, so how could it have been all bad, what I did? I thought about the nice day I’d had with her and tried to relax.

  It’s one dinner. You can get through a dinner. He can hold the baby. Smarm around trying to impress your parents. And then you won’t have to feel bad the next time you turn down an invitation to hang out with him.

  Feeling slightly better, I closed my eyes.

  I was jostled awake by my cousin Laura, who was lying on the bed next to me, poking my arm. “Ow!” I muttered, slapping her hand. “Quiddit.”

  “Time to get up, sunshine,” she said. “Your mom wants you to come say hi to everyone.”

  I groaned. “He’s here already, isn’t he?”

  “Yup. Just arrived.”

  “Awesome. This is going to be just awesome.”

  She pushed my arm. “I don’t want to hear it. You get to go work on a movie set with Jackson Coles tomorrow. You’re the luckiest little brat in the entire world. One dinner is not going to kill you.”

  I pulled myself off the bed, glancing at the baby monitor. Silence. Beth was still asleep. “I would fix that hair if I were you,” Laura said from the doorway. “You look a little rumpled.”

  “Damn hair,” I muttered, gathering up the mess of curls into a bun on the top of my head. It was the best I could do on short notice—and more than enough effort for Jim.

  I found him sitting in the living room with my dad and uncle, a soccer game on the TV. He stood when he saw me, and I tried not to roll my eyes at the obvious sucking up he was doing. Jim hated soccer. “Sofie,” he said warmly, giving me a hug. “It’s good to see you.”

  “Jim.” I was determined to be polite for Beth’s sake. “How are you?”

  “Well.” He winked, and I somehow managed to keep from gagging. “I’m excited to have some more of your mom’s cooking.”

  “Her cooking is pretty great,” I said, my voice as bright as I could make it. “I’ll go see if she needs any help.”

  I was still tense when I entered the kitchen. Could any of them see what he did to me? How I recoiled at his touch? How rigid I went whenever he was around?

  I found Sam in the kitchen with the girls. As soon as he met my eyes, I knew it wasn’t a coincidence. He didn’t want to spend time with Jim, either. Feeling much better, I offered him a smile and an eye roll before joining Carla at the sink to chop vegetables for the salad.

  “How you doing?” she asked in an undertone.

  “I’m fine.”

  She bumped my hip with hers, another sign of solidarity. Suddenly, I realized that maybe some of them did see how I reacted to Jim.

  The best thing about having a large family is how you can shield yourself by sheer numbers. I took a seat across the table and several seats down from Jim, so he wasn’t in my direct line of sight. Once the kids were sitting, there was way too much noise for me to make out his conversation. I could talk with Laura and Sam, almost convincing myself that he wasn’t even there. Almost.

  Beth slept until my mom brought the dessert out. I stood up at the sound of her sharp cry and Jim followed. “Can I help?” And because every eye at the table was on us, I could only nod in agreement.

  He followed me to the nursery, where Beth’s cries were now ear-splitting. “Hey, little girl,” I called out. “You’re okay.”

  I swept her up from the crib, cradling her head to my chest, loving the way she melted into me. “You’re fine now. We’ll get you nice and dry.”

  Jim was standing at the door, awkward. “Can I… Can I change her?”

  I didn’t respond for a moment, bouncing her in my arms, his question tossing around in my head. I should let him. He was her father. He wanted to help.

  Even if the thought of him holding her made me want to never let her go.

  “Sure.” I set her down on the changing table before looking back at him.

  He looked shocked that I had agreed but quickly recovered. “You, uh, might have to show me what to do.”

  I instructed him through the change, surprised by how readily he picked it up. Beth stopped crying immediately, staring up at him with wide eyes. My stomach lurched. She should know her father, I thought, feeling suddenly very sad. This was all my fault.

  “You can pick her up,” I told him, realizing I could count the number of times I had seen her in his arms. “Remember to keep a hand under her head.”

  He pulled her to his chest, only a little bit awkward, and she stared up at him with that same wide-eyed expression. “I think she likes me,” he said.

  “Maybe you’re right.”

  We stood there, awkward, for a long moment. Finally, he held her out to me. “I think she’s ready for her mom.”

  I took her back, wondering how he could willingly give her up after such a short amount of time. I smelled her head. “You wanna come out for dessert, little girl?” I whispered. “Come see your cousins.”

  We walked back out to the living room, where the table was set up, and Laura greedily snatched the baby from my arms. “She’s so tiny,” she s
aid. “Maia is so big now.”

  “There’s a big difference between five months and a year,” Carla said. I took my seat by Sam, happy to be away from Jim. My mom had served us each a piece of pie, and I picked at it, not feeling very hungry. I was too confused, too uncertain about the emotions swirling through me. Could my instincts about Jim be wrong? Should I give him more credit for trying, in the face of my clear disinterest? Most importantly, what was the best thing for Beth?

  “So what’s on the agenda with the movie star this week?” Laura asked. “Anything exciting?”

  Across the table, Jim’s head snapped up in our direction.

  “He’s shooting six days this week,” I said. “Mostly during the day.” I turned to Sam. “I think you guys can hang out on set most of the time.”

  “Cool,” he said, leaning over to play with Beth’s hand. She gripped his finger. “Bethy likes the sweet trailer, don’t you?”

  “What trailer is this?” Jim asked, his voice measured.

  “Jackson’s trailer,” I said, glancing at him. He was shooting daggers at me. Luckily, Aunt Sofia turned to Carla and asked her about work, effectively changing the conversation.

  For the rest of the evening, I felt Jim’s eyes on me. I didn’t like it.

  And I liked it even less when he followed me out to the garage an hour after dinner. I went in search of more beer for my dad and jumped a foot in the air when I realized that Jim was behind me. “You’re taking her along to the movie set?” he asked, voice sharp.

  “Of course I am.” I turned to face him, not liking the fact that he stood between me and the door to the kitchen. “That’s a big part of why I took the job—because I could take her to work with me.”

  “I don’t like it.”

  I crossed my arms. “I don’t see how it has anything to do with you.”

  “She’s my daughter.”

  “You have got to be kidding me,” I muttered, turning back to the fridge. Jim grabbed my arm, spinning me around. “Hey!”

  “I think it’s about time you start involving me in your life, Sofie.” His voice was calm, completely belying the anger flashing in his eyes. I felt a small thrill of fear but pushed it away. I was in my father’s garage with half my family ten feet away.