Myth-ion Improbable m-11

by Robert Asprin

  "Actually," Aahz said, "it makes this map more likely to be real."

  "Almost certain." Tanda laughed.

  "You're kidding?" I asked. "You really think there is a golden cow out there?"

  "I didn't say that," Aahz said. "I just said the map was likely to be real."

  I frowned and Tanda laughed.

  "Mini is populated by Minikins, who have this awful power of never telling a lie about anything. They do not do well at the Bazaar at Deva, for obvious reasons."

  "But what happens if the guy who sold it to me wasn't a Minikin?"

  "If he had been there for more than a day, he had to tell the truth about the map as well. That's why we got out of there so fast. Truth is not a good influence when you are shopping."

  At that I had no firsthand knowledge, but I figured Tanda was the expert.

  "Come on," she said to Aahz. "Dig out the map. We're wasting time. Let's do this."

  "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Aahz asked as he pulled out the parchment, unfolded it, and put it on the bed so all three of us could look at it.

  I had no idea what I was looking at, but Tanda seemed to. She pointed at the upper left corner.

  "That's Minikins' Dimension."

  Even I knew that, since it was labeled Mini.

  "So we start there?"

  Aahz nodded. So did Tanda, for which I was grateful. If they both agreed, at least we had something solid.

  Tanda ran her finger along the only line leading from Minikin. It ended at a dot that was labeled Vortex #1. She studied that for a moment, then glanced at Aahz.

  "You have any idea what that means? Or where it's at?"

  "Not a clue," he said.

  Now I was stunned. It wasn't often that my mentor admitted he didn't know something. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time that it had happened, if ever. I wanted to point that out to him, but this just didn't seem to be the right time, so I went back to studying the map.

  I could see that on the map Vortex #1 had six lines leading off to six unlabeled points on the paper. And lines led off of each of those points to other vortex dots. There were seven more vortexes listed, and a big "X" marking the cow in the lower right corner of the map. Only one line led from Vortex #8 to the cow.

  It was clear that there was no straight line from Mini to the cow. And no right path. From the looks of it, we could go any of a dozen different ways, through different points labeled vortexes, taking different lines. If nothing else, this was going to be an interesting puzzle.

  Aahz had told me that dimension-hopping was dangerous because a person could hop to an unknown dimension and never get back. I wondered now how safe it was going to be following a map through some of these dimensions, especially when even the map was confusing.

  "Well," Tanda said, turning to Aahz. "It looks like we're going to need some more help if we're going to find this golden beast."

  Aahz looked at her and then slowly shook his head. "You can't be thinking what I think you're thinking."

  "I'm thinking it," she said.

  "No!" Aahz said, his voice firm. I knew for a fact that when he said no like that there was no changing his mind.

  "Yes," Tanda said, smiling at him with a smile that could melt a belt-buckle right off a guy's pants. She reached up and touched one of the green scales on his cheek.

  "No," Aahz said, but this time it wasn't as firm. Not even a Pervect could stand up against Tanda's charms.

  "Yes," she said, turning the smile up one more notch and stroking Aahz's green neck just below his ear.

  I was glad she wasn't doing that to me. As it was, just watching I was almost a puddle on the floor. And I didn't even know what they were arguing about.

  Aahz wasn't faring much better. He shook his head, then said, "It's a mistake."

  "How else are we going to find what dimension to jump to from Minikin?"

  She stroked his cheek and then moved right up against him.

  No sentient male being could have withstood that attack. Aahz didn't.

  I was sweating hard just watching. Much more and I would need to change into one of my clean shirts.

  "All right," he said, his voice so soft I could almost not hear it. "But trust me, this is a mistake."

  "Oh, we're not showing anyone the map," Tanda said, mov ing away from Aahz and turning down her convincing body language and smile to a normal level.

  Both Aahz and I took a deep breath.

  "Then why?" Aahz asked.

  "We're just going to find out what, or where a vortex is," Tanda said.

  I couldn't stand it any longer.

  "Would someone please tell me what this is all about?"

  "No," Aahz said.

  He picked up the map, then took me by the arm and stepped over beside Tanda. A moment later we were in the Bazaar at Deva.

  Chapter Two

  "How bazaar!"

  RIPLEY

  The Bazaar at Deva was like no other place in the universe, or at least that's what Aahz kept telling me. And from my few times in the Bazaar, and what little of the different dimen­sions I had seen, I was beginning to agree with him.

  The Deevels, the residents of Deva, were known as the best traders and negotiators. Now, granted, Aahz, as a Pervect, could be tight with a penny, but as Aahz had warned, a Deevel could trade you out of the penny and the pocket you kept it in, and leave you naked and thinking you were better off for the deal.

  The Bazaar was the logical extension of that ability. They had set up the trading capital of all the dimensions, a bazaar that now stretched seemingly forever. Demons, which was a catchphrase for Dimension Travelers, were allowed to set up booths and try to make a living doing whatever it was they did best.

  I don't think anyone really knew how far the Bazaar ex­ tended, since the tents and booths seemed to always be chang­ ing and moving. When I asked how long Aahz thought it would take me to walk across the Bazaar, he said if I was lucky, only five or six months, but he doubted I would make it alive.

  It seems that the Bazaar at Deva was also a very danger ous place, which was why I was doing my best to keep up with Tananda and Aahz as they headed through the crowds. I had no idea why this area was so jammed with Demons. It smelled like someone was boiling old shoes, and most of the demons in this area were covered in white and red scales that flaked at the slightest touch. And in my hurry I was bumping into a lot o f them. By the time we came to a stop in front of a blank-l ooking tent with the flap closed, I was sweating like it was a hot summer day, and scales were stuck all over me.

  "Might want to brush those off," Aahz said, glancing at me and shaking his head.

  Neither he or Tanda seemed to have any on them at all. I had no idea how they had managed that and still moved so fast.

  "Why?" I asked, half-heartedly pushing the white and red scales off my sleeve.

  "They're acid," Tanda said, reaching over and flicking a scale off my forehead with a polished nail.

  I picked up the speed of my brushing, working at getting every one of the hundreds of scales stuck to me.

  Tanda and Aahz just laughed.

  "Little help with the back?" I asked, shaking my entire body as hard as I could.

  Tanda laughed even harder as I turned around and her hands worked over my shoulders, down my back, and across my rear. Any other circumstances I would have enjoyed the feel, but standing in the middle of a crowd with acid scales all over me sort of deflated any thoughts of enjoyment.

  Aahz just stood and shook his head, staring at the tent, until I was finished and Tanda had inspected my hair and neck and other areas for a stray scale. I didn't know that we had both missed one in my left shoe until I looked down and saw that my shoe was smoking. It was one of my best pairs, too.

  As I kicked off the shoe and emptied the acid scale onto the ground, Aahz looked at me and bared his teeth in a grin.

  "Just count your blessings it didn't go down your pants."

  I looked at the hole the s
cale had burnt into my shoe and shuddered.

  "Want me to check you to make sure?" Tanda asked, smiling.

  "Thanks," I said, putting my shoe back on. "Maybe later."

  "I still don't like this idea," Aahz said, turning to stare at the tent, which was clearly why we were on Deva.

  Tanda shrugged. "Neither do I, but we don't have much of a choice, do we? You know anyone who might know what or where a vortex is?"

  Aahz shook his head, obviously trying to think of some one.

  "I just don't like the price we're going to pay."

  "It doesn't have to be that bad," she said.

  Aahz said nothing.

  I finished one more last check for scales and glanced at the tent we were standing in front of. There was no sign, no indi cation that anyone was even in it. The crowd in the street seemed to give it a wide berth as well.

  "I just wish I knew what we were walking into," I said. "A little hint would be nice."

  "You're staying out here," Aahz said.

  I glanced around at the flowing crowds of white-and red- scaled acid demons and shook my head. "Not a chance."

  "We need to stick together," Tanda said, taking my side. "We may have to move quickly."

  "That doesn't sound good," I said.

  Aahz made his disgusted noise, then looked me right in the eyes.

  "Not a word comes from your mouth in there. Under stand?"

  "Sure," I said, making a motion across my mouth that I had sealed it.

  "Here," Tanda said, smiling at me. "Let me help you with that."

  She put her wonderful hand against my mouth. The smell of her skin was that of distant flowers; her touch was soft. She ran her hand along my mouth as I had done, then patted my shoulder.

  "That was-"

  My mouth wouldn't open!

  I tried again.

  The words sort of jumbled inside and the only noise that reached my ears was "Thrrrgggg wgggggeeee."

  I tried to shout "What did you do?"

  What got to my ears was "Wgggggghhh dggggggghhh ygggggghhh dgggggggghhh"

  My lips were completely glued together. And the harder I tried to force them apart, the more painful it became.

  "I didn't know you knew that one," Aahz said to Tanda, completely ignoring my struggle. "I've wanted to use it a hun dred times."

  She smiled at my mentor. "There are a lot of things you don't know about me."

  Well, as far I was concerned, sealing my lips wasn't some thing I had ever wanted Tanda to do with anything except maybe a kiss. I tried to tell her so, but again nothing sounded like a word.

  "Let's do this," Aahz said, nodding in satisfaction at my condition, then stepping toward the tent.

  "Don't worry," Tanda said, smiling at my struggle as she took my arm and followed Aahz. "It's just temporary. Trust me, it's for your own good. And ours as well."

  Not for the first time, it occurred to me that for some one who claimed not to have enough magikal talent to be a magician, Tanda occasionally displayed a lot more knowl edge and skill than I had as the Royal Magician of Possiltum.

  At the tent flap Aahz didn't even hesitate or knock, if knocking was possible on a big tent. He just stepped inside and Tanda led me right behind him.

  The place was huge.

  No, huge didn't describe it. On either side of us the tent seemed to fade off into the distance. This was the first time I had seen one of the Bazaar tents that had bigger insides than outsides. Aahz had mentioned them, but until I stepped into the massive room on the other side of the tent flap, I had no idea that such a thing was really possible. I was going to have to have Aahz teach me the magik involved so I could do that with our rooms back at the palace.

  The tent was dimly lit and had a polished marble floor and dark, wooden-looking walls. There was almost no furniture. A simple wooden desk sat on the side of the room facing where we had come in. A massive map of what looked like dimen­ sions filled the wall behind it.

  A woman sat at the desk, not looking at us at all. What­ever had Aahz and Tanda so worried about being here wasn't clear on first glance. The room felt odd, but not threatening, besides it being a hundred times larger than the tent holding it. We all stopped a few feet in front of the desk, with Aahz clearly in the position to do the talking.

  The woman looked up at him and smiled. She had deep orange eyes and a pug nose that looked more like a hog's nose than anything like Tanda's. I had never seen a demon like her before.

  "Yes?" she asked.

  I almost fell over backwards. Her voice was deep, rough, and clearly that of a man. It was with the voice that I actually looked at her. Or him, as I was coming to realize. I had no idea why I had thought he was a woman. His arms and shoul­ders were built like a man's, and his brownish hair was cut short. Yet I had sworn, until he spoke, that he was a woman. Just thinking about it was getting me confused. Aahz got right to the point.

  "We are looking for directions to a dimension called Vortex." The man who sort of looked like a woman smiled at Aahz. Now he was back to being a woman again. And his pig nose had vanished, leaving a wonderful pointed nose and red lips. And as I watched her face shifted slowly. The transfor­mation was amazing. Her eyes changed color, from orange to blue, her skin darkened, her cheeks rose, and her hair grew to her shoulders.

  "How the-" I started to ask how she changed like that, but my sealed lips stopped me cold. Aahz and Tanda said nothing. Clearly they had expected to meet a shape-shifting demon in here. It was as if she were constantly working through disguise spells. Interesting trick, that was for sure.

  "Well," she said, her voice now soft and rich and alluring, "which Vortex are you looking for?"

  Aahz seemed to struggle for a moment with the answer. I wanted to blurt out that we needed the first eight of them, but luckily my mouth was glued shut. I had no idea why I wanted to blurt that out.

  "Vortexes #1 through #8," Aahz said.

  The demon behind the desk was slowly shifting to look like a stone statue, her clothes vanishing into her body as she changed into a rock-like demon with scales for skin and arms as thick as trees. I also noticed that the chair it was on changed with the size of the creature at the moment. More than likely the chair was part of its body as well.

  "What is the nature of your reason for wanting the loca­ tion of these places?" the shifting creature asked, its voice rumbling like thunder inside the massive room.

  Again Aahz struggled with the answer. I had no doubt in my mind I wanted to blurt out that we had a treasure map. Something about this creature clearly forced demons standing in front of it to tell the truth. Now I was grateful that Tanda had closed my mouth. I had no idea how they were keeping quiet. What I was feeling was clearly very powerful magik or mind control.

  "We are searching for a treasure," Aahz said, his words measured and slow, "and our path leads us through the Vortex dimensions, starting with Vortex #1."

  "Logical," the creature said as it shifted toward a pig-body shape. "The price is 10% of your find."

  I could see the anger growing in Aahz's body, his green scales stiff on his neck. Giving away anything to do with money was beyond something Aahz could do without undue stress.

  Tanda put her hand on his arm and stepped forward.

  "Your price is high for simple directions. We will give you 5% of anything we acquire on this venture, no matter what the value. Otherwise we will look elsewhere for help."

  The creature now looked like a quatra-piggy, a type of demon I had seen in the street on an earlier trip here. But that body was quickly changing to a new shape.

  "You will not find help elsewhere," the shifting demon said. "But your offer is fair and I will accept. I assume you need to go to Vortex #1 first?"

  "Yes," both Aahz and Tanda said at the same time. The creature, now shifting back into a beautiful woman again, nodded. "That can be arranged."

  She looked at Aahz and Tanda with a serious look. Her voice was firm and very solid. "Since I have a
financial stake now in what you are attempting, I must warn you that a Vortex dimension is not a place to take lightly. It is a very dangerous, and sometimes tempting, place. It will be very easy to miss your path and become lost."

  Then she looked at me, her beautiful blue eyes boring into my heart. In my best dreams I would remember what this crea ture looked like forever. She had transformed into the most striking female I could have ever imagined. Every part of my body wanted to move to her, to touch her, to never leave her. Her gaze seemed to bore deeper and deeper into me as my legs got weak and my stomach did flip-flops. I desperately wanted my lips to be free to tell her how much I loved her.

  "You must take care of your friends," she said, her won derful voice melting every thought I had. "Understand?" I managed to nod.

  "Good," she said, winking at me. "I will know if you suc ceed or fail. Good luck to you."

  With that the tent and the beautiful woman were gone. Around us a wind whipped over the plains, driving dirt and dust into my face.

  "Vortex #1," Aahz shouted over the blowing wind. "Here we go," Tanda shouted back.

  I just wish someone had warned me we were jumping di mensions.

  "Pgghhhhh ugghhhhh mgggghhhh mggghhhh" was all I managed to say.

  The dust blew around my head, reducing visibility to near zero. The changing demon back in the big tent on Deva had said the Vortex dimensions were dangerous and full of temptations. The only temptation I had about this place was an instant desire to go home.

  "This way! Hurry!"

  Tananda motioned that we should follow her. Since there was nothing to be seen but swirling dust, I figured I had noth ing to lose.

  It seemed that my closed-lip problem was as temporary as Tanda had promised it would be. By the time she had led us a hundred staggering paces through the storm to what looked to be an old log cabin, my lips were again free.

  The old cabin that Tanda had led us to had been made of cut-together logs and had to be a hundred years old. She shoved the door open and we stomped inside. Wind blew in through at least a hundred cracks in the walls and the only things that now lived in the place was rodents.