Myth-ion Improbable m-11

by Robert Asprin

  "Are there larger cities in this dimension?" I asked.

  "Who knows?" Aahz said. "Just stay alert and watch for anything unusual."

  He didn't have to tell me to do that, since I was already on full alert. And even though flying, combined with no sleep the night before, had me exhausted, I doubted I could sleep now even if I wanted to try.

  Aahz found a sliver of light coming from the shutters of one store and stopped. He unfolded the map and we gathered around, trying to be as quiet as we could while we looked for our next destination.

  "You were right, Skeeve," Aahz whispered, patting me on the back.

  The map had changed.

  Baker, the city we were standing in, was now the focal point of the map, and two roads led toward two other towns from Baker. The treasure was now marked in a town called Silver City. Dodge City wasn't even on the map. Glenda was going to be mad. I wished I could be there when she discovered how stupid she had been.

  "So which way do we go?" Tanda asked.

  The two towns next in line from Baker were named Bank and Keep. Both looked to be about the same distance from here, but Bank was to the right in the north and Keep was to the left in the south.

  "Bank," I said, before I even realized the word was out of my mouth.

  "Why?" Aahz asked, staring at me, his intense eyes scary in the semi-dark.

  "I don't know," I said. "It just seems right, and starts with the same letter as Baker."

  Tanda laughed, but had the decency to not say anything.

  Aahz just shook his head, folded up the map and put it away.

  "Bank it is," he said, moving out into the middle of the street and walking on toward the west end of town.

  "I could be wrong," I said, walking between him and Tanda.

  "More than likely," Aahz said.

  "So why go with my suggestion?"

  "Because I have none better to offer."

  "Neither do I," Tanda said. "Besides, if you're wrong, we can blame you."

  "Terrific!" I said. "As if I don't get in enough trouble as it is."

  Both Aahz and Tanda chuckled, but said nothing the rest of the way to the edge of town.

  It was easy to find the road to Bank. At a fork in the road a hundred paces outside of the main part of town there was a sign, clear and readable even in the moonlight, pointing to the right.

  Aahz glanced around, then turned to me. "Ready?"

  "Sure," I said.

  "Keep it slower than before," Aahz said. "We don't want to run into anything out here."

  I concentrated on the power coming into my body, easier here than back near Evade. When I had enough I lifted us slightly off the ground and headed down the road. Outside of town the road was straight, running between what looked like pastures, and even in the moonlight I could get us up to a pretty decent speed.

  In the pastures along both sides of the road animals were grazing. When I finally had to stop to rest, a number of the grazing animals looked up at us, big eyes glowing in the moonlight. They almost looked surprised to see us.

  "Cows," Tanda said, pointing at the large creatures staring at us from the field.

  They looked fat and heavy, with white and dark areas over their bodies. In the half-darkness, they seemed almost sinister with their big eyes and long ears.

  "So how come they aren't inside like everything else?" I asked as Tanda gave me more water and a little bit of a snack to eat.

  "You're asking me?" she said. "Maybe they're not bothered by whatever worries the people around here."

  That made sense, in an odd sort of way.

  "Maybe they are what worries the residents," I said, star ing into the deep pits of eyes of the closest cow.

  Both Aahz and Tanda laughed as if that was the funniest thing I had ever said.

  I didn't see what was so funny. Cows looked nasty to me, and I couldn't imagine trying to get milk, golden or not, from any of the ones I could see.

  By the time I was rested enough to get us farther down the road, a bunch of the nearby cows had sauntered over and were gathering near the road watching what we were doing. It was creepy, and I was glad to get on the way.

  From that point onward there were cattle along the road watching us, as if something had told them we were coming. When I asked Aahz what made them do that, he said he didn't know. He'd never seen cattle act that way.

  Tanda said she hadn't either.

  That answer didn't comfort me at all.

  I kept us going longer and longer, not wanting to rest and have all the cows gather close to us. By the time the sun came up I had flown us to the edge of Bank City. I was exhausted and was going to have to get a few hours sleep before we went on.

  At first light, the moment the sun peeked over the edge of the nearby mountains, the cows stopped watching us and went back to grazing.

  For some reason that bothered me a lot more than them staring at us.

  Chapter Nine

  "It's an acquired taste."

  H. LECHTER

  I was so tired that even the short walk into the center of the town of Bank darned near killed me. All I wanted to do was fall down and sleep, at least for a few hours. Aahz promised me that was going to be possible very soon, so I limped along with them.

  The merchants were opening up the stores and the shut­ters had all disappeared from the windows. Horses pulling wagons were lined up outside a few stores, and, just like in Evade, a guy wearing a hat and carrying a shovel was going around cleaning up after the horses. Clearly that was a stan­dard job in every town. I couldn't imagine a kid wanting to be the horse-poop cleaner when he grew up. But maybe in this culture, that was the top job.

  Bank looked a lot like Evade, just bigger. The buildings were all the same size, and there were wooden sidewalks.

  We found a small establishment like the one Glenda had left me in, and sat down at a table near the front window. We were the only ones in the place. It felt great to be off my feet and not moving. I might be able to sleep right there in the chair if they let me.

  As I looked around I realized this place was almost identi­ cal to Audry's in Evade, with the bar down the left side and wooden tables and chairs.

  "What can I get for ya, folks?" A man asked as he came out from the back room.

  He was just like the guy in Evade, right down to the white apron and the dirty towel.

  "Could we trouble you for just one glass of your best juice?" I asked.

  "Not a problem at all," he said, smiling. "You want some breakfast, I just got a fresh load in this very morning. Good and crisp."

  "Sounds great," I said, "maybe later. But I think first we just want to sit a spell."

  The guy came back with the carrot juice drink and slid it onto the table with a smile before he headed back into the kitchen area.

  "You've picked up the lingo pretty well," Tanda said. "A night alone in a place do that for you?"

  "I suppose," I said, taking a sip of the juice. "Isn't it creepy how all these people seem the same from town to town?"

  "I was noticing that as well," Tanda said. "The guy shov eling dung looks just like every other guy I've seen shoveling dung."

  Aahz laughed and I just stared at her, too tired to even try to figure out what she had just said.

  "I wonder why there's no milk," Aahz said, staring at the carrot juice with a look of disgust on his face.

  "I don't think you want to ask, even if they had any," I said. "I was in a kitchen of one of these places, and there was nothing there but veggies, and not a clean surface in the room."

  "Ughh," Tanda said. "More than likely you could get us arrested for even thinking of drinking milk in a dimension full of cows."

  "You two have far too active an imagination," Aahz said as he pulled out the map and opened it.

  Again it had changed.

  I kept sipping my carrot juice as I studied the parchment. Bank, the town we were in, was the main town on the map now. And the treasure was now located in a cit
y called Placer. Three roads left Bank and headed off in three directions, all, in one fashion or another, getting to Placer after a few more towns.

  "Now which way?" I asked, staring at our options.

  They were towns called Chip, Pie, and Biscuit. Weird names. Everything about this dimension was starting to seem weird to me.

  Tanda pointed to one of the towns. "Following Skeeve's plan of going to towns that start with the letter B, we head for Biscuit."

  "Sounds good to me," I said.

  Aahz just shook his head in amazement.

  "As good as any, I suppose."

  He studied the map for a moment more and then folded it up and put it away.

  Biscuit was on the road that stayed north going out the west side of Bank. I doubted it would be hard to find. I took an­other sip while Tanda wrinkled her nose at my drink and me.

  "It's an acquired taste," I said, realizing what I was doing. I had finished almost half the glass.

  I offered the rest to her, but she shook her head.

  "No, thanks. Not in a million years."

  I shrugged and took another drink. The stuff wasn't bad at all, once you got past the initial taste of smashed and juiced carrots.

  "So how you feeling?" Aahz asked.

  "He's going to have to rest," Tanda said, not letting me answer.

  "I know that," Aahz said. "I was just wondering how we were going to do that. We don't dare go back to the cabin because Glenda might be there. I don't want to deal with her just yet. So we have to find some private spot."

  "Actually," I said, stopping the fight before it got started, "I'm feeling pretty good. A little juice here and some time sitting down and I think I can go again for a while."

  Tanda looked into the orange liquid.

  "What did they put in there?"

  "You know," I said, looking at the juice, "I don't know, but it really is helping."

  We sat for another ten minutes while I finished off the carrot juice, then I went over and asked how I could pay the man for the drink.

  "Come back for a dinner," he said. "That's payment enough."

  I thanked him for his hospitality. I had no idea how this bartering system in this dimension worked, but it sure made everyone friendly.

  We headed toward the west end of town, walking down the sidewalk and tipping our hats at the smiling people we met. I felt great again. Drinking that juice was like getting a good night's sleep. I had no idea what was in one besides carrots, but I could easily get hooked on them.

  It wasn't going to be a problem taking the wrong road be cause there was a sign saying Biscuit and a big arrow at the fork in the roads. Around us were buildings and homes and several hundred of head of cattle grazing, so we started off walking, going slow and steady as the sun got hotter.

  Finally, after maybe a mile, we were far enough out in the country to not chance being seen flying.

  "You sure you're all right?" Aahz asked.

  "Never felt better," I said.

  "You know, at the next town, I'm trying some of that juice," Tanda said.

  As I reached out with my mind searching for power, it became clear that we were in an area much more powerful than where we had started. It was easy for me to get enough to lift the three of us knee-high off the ground and whisk us along.

  We had to stop flying and walk a half dozen times over the next few hours when we saw people coming, or a house was too close to the road. And we must have passed at least a million cows along the way. Not one had actually looked at us. And not once did I have to actually sit down and rest.

  Amazing juice.

  By the time we reached Biscuit, it was mid-afternoon and I was starting to get tired again. We found a place to sit in a bar that looked just like Audry's and the one in Bank. Now all of us were growing bothered by the similar nature of the places. I wanted to run from the bar when a man who looked a lot like the previous two, down to wearing a white apron and carrying a dirty rag, came out of the kitchen and asked us what we wanted.

  "Just two glasses of your finest," I said.

  "Sure you all don't want an early dinner?" he asked. "I just got a fresh load from the fields. Really crisp. We all need our energy, you know, with the round-up coming."

  I glanced at Aahz, then Tanda, then answered the guy's question.

  "After we sit awhile we just might."

  He smiled real big, like I had said the right thing, then went and brought us our juice. He had disappeared into the back room before any of us said anything.

  "So someone want to explain to me what's going on?" Tanda asked.

  "I've never seen anything like this," Aahz said. "I thought you two were just imagining things at the last stop. But these three places are almost identical."

  "Are we going in circles or something?" I asked. "Is it possible that all these towns are the same one?"

  "No, there're different sizes and shapes and in different countryside," Tanda said.

  "No doubt we're in different towns," Aahz said, "all built, it seems, off the same pattern, with the same kind of people living in them."

  "Okay," Tanda said, "now I can safely say I've seen it all."

  "Not yet," I said. 'We've still got the round-up, whatever that is. And a golden cow."

  Tanda nodded and looked at Aahz with a serious face.

  "I'm starting to think this treasure isn't worth what we're risking."

  Aahz looked at her as if she had gone crazy.

  "Are you kidding? We've come this far. Only a few more towns to go."

  She nodded, but I could tell as I sipped my juice that this entire dimension was bothering Tanda a great deal. And in the time I had known Tanda, I had never seen anything bother her.

  Aahz glanced to make sure the guy was still in the kitchen, then opened up the map and spread it on the table. As every other time, it had changed again.

  This time, we had four roads to pick from, and all the towns started with the letter "B". Brae was the southern most, then there was Brawn, then Bent, and finally, to the north, Bethel. The golden treasure was marked as being in a place called Donner.

  "Well, so much for that system," I said.

  "And it was working, too," Aahz said.

  "You know, maybe I could drain off the magik from the map again." I had just finished my entire glass of carrot juice and was feeling really, really alive and well.

  Aahz glanced at the kitchen door again, then asked me, "You feel up to it?"

  "I feel like I'm getting stronger the farther we come," I said.

  "Let him try," Tanda said. "Might save us a lot of back- tracking."

  Aahz looked at me, then nodded. "Give it a shot."

  I took a deep breath and let my mind search out the power in the map. For an instant I didn't think anything was going to happen. Then I felt it. The power rushed through me from the map as I hastily directed it into the ground. My head spun for a second, and it was done. The power was gone and the map was normal...for now. I took a deep breath, again feeling the strain. I needed more carrot juice.

  "It worked," Aahz said. "Nice job, Skeeve."

  It wasn't often that I got a compliment from my mentor, so I savored the moment. Tanda patted me on the arm and gave me a kiss on the cheek for a reward. Nothing like doing a job and doing it well.

  I took her glass of carrot juice and sipped from it while we studied the map.

  Only one road led from Biscuit where we were, through Bethel and then to Donner. Donner actually was the place with the golden cow. We had been closer than we thought.

  But from the look of the map, it was a long way to Bethel, and even farther to Donner. Just getting to the first place was going to take to the middle of the night. I just hoped the cows didn't watch us.

  "You rested enough to get going?" Aahz asked me.

  I downed half of the glass of carrot juice and nodded.

  "Put this in one of our water containers, would you?"

  Tanda nodded as I stood and moved to the do
or into the back room. I knocked and the guy came out.

  "What can we do for you in exchange for the wonderful drinks you served?"

  He smiled, as if I had again said some magik words.

  "Just come back for food sometime soon."

  "I promise we will," I said. I tipped my hat at him.

  "Thanks."

  He stood there smiling, watching us leave like we were his children headed off to school.

  We went through Bethel in the middle of the night. The town looked like all the others, and, even though it was locked up tight and shuttered, I recognized the Audry's-place-look- alike as we passed it.

  For the past few hours, since a stop we made right after dark, the cows had again watched us. We were the cow entertainment for the night as we sped past pasture after pasture. Thousands and thousands of cows lined the road, ready for us to come flashing past. I had no idea why they did it, or how they knew we were coming, but there wasn't a stretch of road that didn't have cows lined up beside it all night long. And even though there were no fences, none of them came into the road to stop us.

  After a while I stopped looking at them as well. Their big eyes, shining in the moonlight, just unnerved me.

  My flying was getting better and better as the trip went on, and since the moon was almost full the road was easy to see. I could manage almost an hour of nonstop flying before I had to rest, and, because of the mostly flat land, we were making great time.

  Even though I wanted to drink it earlier because I was feeling tired, I forced myself to wait until we were walking through Bethel to finish the last of the carrot juice I had had Tanda save.

  Just that half a glass gave me enough energy to keep on going, as if I had slept a full night. It seemed to allow me to use every bit of the power around me to keep us above the road and speeding toward the treasure.

  At sunrise the cows stopped watching again, going back to gra2ing as if we didn't matter at all. For a while I felt almost insulted, before I realized what I was thinking. How could a cow not wanting to watch me fly past ever insult me? Made no sense.

  About halfway through the morning, still a long distance from Donner, we came on a small town. It couldn't have been half the size of Evade, and not more than a dot on the map. The juice I had drunk in the middle of the night had long ago worn off and I was so tired that I was just about falling down.